by Ford, Mia
I would be offended by the way that he tosses me to one side in that statement, but I get it. He needs to be here for Oliver, I can’t begrudge him that. Since I’m done with Reece anyway, it doesn’t matter. At least he can be a good father if he isn’t a good person. He is a good father, I have to give him that. He just isn’t great at being truthful to the person that he’s supposed to be dating, that’s all.
“Dad, I really don’t think…” I start, but he doesn’t want to give me the chance.
“Alexa, this is work. I do not need to hear your opinion on this right now.”
“It isn’t just work though, is it? It’s a family. A baby who needs his father.”
I can feel a wrench in my chest as I think about Oliver and the fact that he will have to grow up without any parents. I know a bit of that, I grew up with the army of nannies because my mother wasn’t around and my father worked so much, but he was never gone completely. He always came back at night. He might not seem like he’s the best father in the world, but having him around was always better than not having him.
“Dad, you’re acting out of anger, I get that,” I try again. “But you need to be sensible, think about the future. Whatever madness you feel about this, take it out on me, not Reece.”
“Oh, I will be taking it out on you, don’t you worry about that. Your time is coming.”
Oh, for crying out loud, this is ridiculous. I throw my hands in the air in frustration. “Dad, please…”
“Alexa, shut up!” he screams. “I am sorting things out for work right now, with Reece. And you might think that I’m acting out of anger, but believe me, I have thought this through. We are not supposed to give anyone special treatment and I did. I gave Reece Moore every fucking special treatment in the book because I liked him and he went through such a shitty time a year ago, but no more. My patience has been fully tested. My mind has been up as well, there isn’t a damn thing that you could say to change my mind now, it’s already been set up.”
“No, please don’t do this to me,” Reece tries again. “Please, I will do anything.”
“It’s too little, too late. It’s done. So, I suggest you get the hell out of here and start planning for someone to look after your child for the months that you are away. The sooner the better.”
Reece tries to stare my father down for a moment, but he doesn’t win. He was never going to. No one does. The moment he gets up, he grabs his son, and he stomps out from the house, taking any chance of a future with him. Not that there was one anyway, but now there really isn’t because he will be gone. Fighting, working, and simply forgetting about me. My father has made well and truly sure of that.
“Fuck, Dad,” I groan. “What did you do that for?”
“To separate you, to make you see sense. What a mistake that was…”
“Dad, it was done anyway. I ended it, so all of this was unnecessary.”
“Well, I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. He betrayed me and now he’s gone, so you can get your life on track.”
I glare at him, anger bursting through me. I don’t mean to say it in this way, I was supposed to spend some time planning, but it’s too late now. The words fly rapidly out of my mouth at the speed of light.
“Well, I’m moving out anyway, so it doesn’t matter what you think anymore. My life is about to be my own.”
“What are you talking about?” he yells behind me, but I don’t answer. I’m too busy walking away from him, finally standing on my own two feet. It’s just a shame that it had to happen in such a shitty way.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Reece
Two Months Later…
The way that Wesley and Tom look at me now is different. Our friendship isn’t the same. I can just tell that these guys, the men who used to be my closest friends in the world, have no idea what to say to me. They don’t understand the trauma that I’ve been through in the past year; losing Christine in child birth, then raising my son alone, plus all the shit with the Admiral that I know everyone is aware of, even if they pretend not to be. It’s utterly humiliating to know that everyone knows about me and the Admiral’s daughter. God, I hate it. But then if I’m going to do something as utterly insane as that, then what should I expect?
They look at me like I’m an alien now. Like I have grown an extra head or something. To them, I am a new person. One they don’t know how to connect with on any level. I’m lonely as fuck.
I get the work done, of course. I’m trained, it’s ingrained within me to work my ass off, but my heart isn’t in it like it once was. My head isn’t ever in the right place, I always want to be somewhere else.
“So, Tom,” I speak brightly, still trying to get that bond back between us. Maybe if I can rebuild that part of things, everything else will improve. Since I’m stuck here, I have to try. It’s been two months. Two very long months, and it doesn’t seem to be ending soon. “How are you feeling today?”
“Yeah, good.” He nods, tight lipped. I can almost see the cogs ticking in his brain as if he’s desperately scanning for words. It didn’t used to be like this. It was easy going, once upon a time. “Good, good. You?”
As soon as he asks me that, he cringes. It’s like he’s scared that asking me how I am will lead to a tirade of emotion. I was never a particularly emotional man back then, I don’t know why that would change now. I would never break down in front of the guys, it just isn’t the done thing for fuck sake.
“I’m okay, thanks. It’s a little weird being back here though. Back out on the field.”
“Yeah, it’s erm… rare to get chances to talk, isn’t it?” As he darts his eyes around desperately, searching for an escape, I experience an intense sense of loss. He’s gone to me. I really don’t think I will ever be able to get it back however hard I try. “Not like in the office when there is too much fucking talking.”
I find myself day dreaming, wondering again what it would be like if Christine didn’t die. We would have had Oliver, then eventually I would’ve been back here like normal. It would be so much better.
“Anyway, I need to go,” I say while pointing behind me. “I have to use the computer to video call home.”
Tom nods, clearly releveled, and he practically races away. I shake my head, trying to blow the sadness away. There’s no point, I have enough on my plate. Loneliness is clearly what the Admiral wanted me to experience and he’s won. He wanted me punished for fooling around with Alexa, just as Valencia wanted me punished for firing her… and they have both got what they wanted. I have nothing left.
Once I’m on the computer, I set up the video call. I don’t get to do this as often as I would like, but then I would much prefer to just damn well be at home all the time. I have to just take what I can get.
“Hello, Reece,” Nadine smiles back at me. She’s clearly been waiting for me, just like she always does. She’s an amazing nanny and a great person. She couldn’t be more opposite to Valencia if she tried. This is the only reason why I haven’t lost my mind, knowing that my boy is being taken care of. “How are you?”
“Yeah good. How is Oliver? Is that him I can hear in the background there?”
She leans down and picks him up, showing me his gorgeous little face. My heart melts, I automatically reach out and touch the screen, wishing that it was his real face. God, I miss him, so damn much.
“Hey, little man, how’s it going?” He replies, still mostly in noises, but it’s becoming more like words. Nadine has clearly been working with him, to actually bring him up to speed. “I miss you, so much.”
The emotions well up inside of me, but I stuff them down because of where I am. Even in this situation, I can’t let it all out. I need to push the tears down and smile through the pain. The fucking pain that has been inflicted on me out of my control, just because of some impulsive choices that I’ve made.
“So, what have you been doing?” I ask. “Ooh, are these some of your pictures? They’re very good.”
As Oli
ver shows me his drawings, I wonder if I can argue anymore about going back. There must be someone above the Admiral who can help me with my situation. I’ve served the Navy well. I know there’s no ‘special treatment’, but they should at least take my needs in to consideration. Right?
Eventually, I have to say goodbye to Oliver and Nadine, and it kills me as I do. My heart aches painfully, I feel even lonelier that I’m stuck here now, I don’t know how I’m even going to make it another day.
“Back to work,” I remind myself, trying to boost my morale a little bit. “Come on, Reece. Just get to it.”
After all, what choice do I have? I just need to get through every single day until I’m allowed back home again to see my boy. And once my contract runs out… well, maybe I can make some life changes then.
* * *
I listen to the phone ringing, shame washing through me as I do. This has become like my secret drug, calling Alexa late in to the night, even knowing that she’s never going to answer. It’s been eight long weeks, if she wanted to speak to me, she would have done so by now… but I can’t seem to stop myself anyway. The desperation to hear the gorgeous lilt of her voice over shadows everything else. Even the feeling of being a fool.
But she doesn’t answer. Of course she doesn’t. It’s clear, she’s done with me now. But it’s weird. That’s what keeps getting to me, how strange this is. I mean, the last time I saw her, we were in her father’s home, and she was defending me. Looking after Oliver as he cried, trying to protect my son as her father shouted, and speaking up for me wherever she could. She told her father that I shouldn’t be sent away to work, that I needed to be around for my son, and now she won’t even give me the opportunity to say thank you for that. It didn’t work, I was sent away regardless, but she attempted to protect me, and I want to speak to her.
But still, she isn’t talking to me, and I don’t know why. I cannot work out where it all went wrong. Something happened on the day that I fired Valencia, something to destroy us long before her father got involved, and I haven’t ever been able to work out what. Perhaps if she’d just stopped speaking to me after the big blow out, I would assume that she had been forced to cut ties with me, or that she was doing it for Oliver’s sake, but it happened before that. A while before, and I don’t know if I will ever know why,
Once I hear her voice on the voice mail again, and I know that I can’t torture myself in that way any damn longer, I follow the next part of my routine. The bit that’s nearly worse than the phone calls.
I log on to her social media account and take a look at her life now. In the last two months, she has transformed. She’s changed from the caterpillar, climbed out of her cocoon, and flourished as a butterfly. All the things that we talked about, everything we discussed, she’s making it happen. She’s clearly got a great new job in a fashion design apartment, which she’s loving judging by the statuses and pictures, showing her learning update. Then there’s her new apartment, a small place that she’s really made her own. I adore looking at the pictures of her sitting in her living room, lying in her bed, hanging out on her balcony…
She’s done it. She’s really done it, everything that she wanted to. I’m proud of her.
I click on the latest picture of her, looking at the shining joy in her eyes. I didn’t realize it before, but there was an emptiness to her before, a hole that needed filling. It wasn’t me that she needed to fill it, it was a better, more meaningful life. I’m glad that she has it, even if it means she’s done with me.
Her bright blonde hair is cropped a little shorter, just above her shoulders. I want to know what caused her to make that decision. She’s dressed differently as well. A little more… fashionable. But I suppose that’s inevitable since she’s moved further in her field. But I’m sure that she’s the same person deep inside.
The girl that I fell in love with, the woman who I held in my arms and I felt true joy for the first time in a very long time, the person who I laughed with, shared with, felt comfortable with.
But there isn’t anything that I can do if she’s done, if she’s moving on. If she doesn’t need me then I cannot continue to rely on her any longer. I should stop the calls, stop the online stalking, try to move passed her before I lose my mind over this woman. We were a stepping stone for one another, not the end goal. That’s all.
Okay, I warn myself while putting my phone down. It’s time to forget. To move on. You have been through worse, you can go on through this as well. All of it. The loneliness, the heart break, this hell… all of it.
I turn on to my side, missing my bed at home. I’ve become used to all the home comforts, and I have to admit that life is harder without them, but again, I will endure. I am strong, I am. I’ve proven this over the last year. I’m strong, and I will continue to be so. It will be fine…
Okay, so maybe I need to call one last time, to just hear Alexa’s voice mail message one final time, before I move on. I grab my phone and slide my eyes closed, waiting for the familiar eleven rings to pass me by before I get to hear the happy, upbeat message that she’s left for anyone trying to get through to her.
“Hello, it’s Alexa here. Sorry I can’t get to the phone right now. Please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can…”
It aches, it’s painful to know that I’m mentally saying goodbye now, but I cannot go right from one rut to another. It wasn’t meant to be, if it was then we would have found a way no matter what life threw at us, but we didn’t. We failed. So, clinging on to that is just going to destroy me from the inside out.
“No more,” I whisper to myself, hoping that saying it a little bit aloud will help to solidify the message that I need to get through my thick skull. “No more. Now, just focus.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Alexa
Lisa scans her eyes over my newest design with a giant smile on her face. “You are the best investment that I ever made. Honestly, Alexa. What you have done here is incredible. Just to the brief I wanted.” She waggles her finger playfully at me. “When you walked in to my office, I knew that you were the least qualified for the position and that did trouble me a bit, but my gut instinct said otherwise and I was right. I knew it!”
“You… you really like it?” I can feel myself blushing. I have really tried hard at this job, throwing all of my heart and passion in to it, and it’s finally paid off. Listening to all of the tips that Lisa has given me, spending my evenings working hard and practicing, being careful and considerate with everything that I do…
“I do, and I like it so much that I’m going to send it to the factory. Without any changes.”
“Really?” Holy shit, this will be my first ever design to go through as is. “Are you sure?”
“You knew that this day would happen eventually, didn’t you? That it would work out.”
“I hoped…” I admit. “But I didn’t dare dream. I didn’t want to put my hopes too high…”
“Well, get them high and keep them climbing. You have a very positive future here.” She pats me on the shoulder. “Now, you get out of here before you end up staying practically all night again.”
Even when I enjoyed my job at the clothing store, I couldn’t wait to go home at the end of the day, but here I don’t ever want to leave. I could easily stay for hours longer. Thank goodness I have such an amazing apartment to get back to. That’s just about the only thing that drags my sorry ass out of here.
“Okay, well thank you, Lisa. I will see you tomorrow then. Thanks again.”
I have a giant smile on my face as I practically bound out of the room, I’m barely walking on the floor as joy cascades through me, this has been the best day of my life so far. I really am moving forwards in the best way possible. I have everything that I wanted and more, and it fills me with such sheer happiness.
I grab out my phone and see a message from Rebecca. She wants me to go out, just like always, nothing changes on that front. I do every so often, but nowher
e near as much. It’s a shame, because it’s made things strained between me and the girl who I considered my best friend for a long time, but we’re drifting. I have accepted that now. I won’t ever cut her out of my life completely, but it’ll never be the same as it was.
I text her back, telling her that I can’t at the moment because work is so busy, but if she wants to come around to mine for a glass of wine on Saturday, she is more than welcome. I don’t think that she will, if she isn’t out dancing her ass off and getting wasted, she isn’t interested, but at least I have put the offer out there.
Just before I put my phone away, it begins ringing. I assume that it’s Rebecca. Maybe she does want to come around to finally see my home and to have a civilized drink after all. But it isn’t.
“Dad,” I mutter, disgusted. “Come on, Dad. I don’t want to speak to you right now.”
He’s another person that I haven’t cut out completely, but that it isn’t the same with. It doesn’t matter what happened between me and Reece, sending him away was the wrong thing to do. It wasn’t right for Oliver. Sure, I might not be doing the right thing either by ignoring all of his calls, but he’s gone now. We need a clean break. He will eventually see that too, and thank me for being so strong and ignoring him. It’s hard, but I’m keeping it up because I know that the moment I give in and we speak, I’ll crack. I don’t want to crack.
“I can’t talk to you now anyway, Dad,” I mutter as I pull my keys out. My keys to my home. I don’t think I will ever get tired of saying that to myself. “Because I have a date tonight. I’m going out.”
Ah, Jake. The new man in my life. The guy who brought a parcel in to work and asked me out on a date within about three minutes. I have to admit that I was impressed by his confidence, by the way that he just showed me how he liked me. It seemed easy, fun, and after everything that I’ve been through I needed that.