by Ford, Mia
So, I said yes. And twice more as well. This will actually be our forth date, and it’s going well. Well, it’s going okay, I think. It’s different. Not something that I have experienced before. It isn’t a high school puppy love, nor is it a one night stand. It isn’t the fiery passion that burns deep in to my soul either. The sort that means I can’t get enough of the other person, that sends me cascading in to love without my permission. It isn’t something that I would risk everything for, that I would dive in to head first, even knowing that it cannot work…
But that’s probably for the best. I had all of those things and nothing has worked out for me so far.
This is… nice. Jake is a good companion, he’s nice to be around, he makes me smile. Passion is only supposed to die anyway, isn’t it? And this is what you’re left with. So, maybe it’s okay to skip that crazy first part. I don’t think I can get hurt by Jake, and that’s the main thing. Especially considering he likes me.
I make a quick cup of coffee then I get changed. I pull on my tightest pair of black skinny jeans and team it with a frilly top that came in as a clothing sample to work that Lisa said I could keep. I pull my hair back in to a low pony tail and top up my make up a little bit. It takes me all of fifteen minutes to get dressed. Thank goodness because it’s only a few moments later that there’s a bang at the door and Jake is here.
“I’m coming!” I drink the rest of my coffee, and skip towards the door. “Hold on.”
I swing it open and grin at Jake. He’s got a shaggy, surfer look, but he always dresses smart for our dates which is sweet. I lean in and kiss him lightly on the cheek. I suppose, by now, I should be kissing him on the lips, but it still feels a little strained for that. We have kissed, but without the magic, I don’t feel like it needs to happen all the time. A kiss on the cheek is fine… Jake isn’t complaining anyway.
“Ooh, you look like you’re in a good mood,” he comments. “Anything you want to tell me.”
I grab my hand bag. “I will tell you on the way. Where are we going tonight, anyway?”
I talk about my brand new design and the fact that Lisa wants to make it as is while we walk towards the local Italian restaurant, and while Jake shows interest, I can tell he doesn’t really get it. I don’t always like to think about Reece and I certainly don’t want to compare him to Jake, but he would get it more.
But anyway, it doesn’t matter. I’m not here with Reece, he’s off somewhere else, probably still on dating websites, meeting random chicks to satisfy his needs. I’m here with the sweet, kind Jake.
We take our seats and eat and talk, sharing the details of our lives since we last saw one another, which was only a few days ago, so there’s only so much to say. But it isn’t awkward. We don’t fall in to any uncomfortable silences, it’s simple. There’s a nice atmosphere between us all the time.
But something is missing, and the more I try to hunt for it, the more I can’t find it. I kinda hoped that it would be a slow burn and things would creep up on me, but the more time I spend with Jake, the more I like him… but not in the way that I should. It’s a damn shame, it really is. He’s a good guy, and we could have been amazing together, but if there isn’t that… I don’t know what it is really, a spark, I suppose. If there isn’t that spark, then there isn’t really anything to build on, is there? I guess there isn’t a way that we can skip the crazy middle bit, the bit where it feels like I’m falling and spinning, out of my control, where I can’t find the ground and I’m scared that he’s just going to keep allowing me to fall. That’s the exhilarating, terrifying bit is essential, I suppose.
I need to tell him, I decide as we finish up our meal. I can’t keep him hanging on.
Maybe once upon a time, I would have just left it, not bothered saying anything and just ghosted him. I would have assumed that it wouldn’t matter anyway and that he would soon get the hint. He couldn’t be that in to me after only four dates anyway, could he? But now, with my more grown up head on, I know what it’s like to be strung along, to be taken for a fool, and it sucks. I don’t ever want anyone to feel like I do.
Even if this hurts him, even if he doesn’t really care, the best thing that I can do is be honest.
We walk back to my place, Jake always walks me home because he’s such a gentleman, and it isn’t long before we reach my door. I spot a glint in his eye, he probably assumes that tonight is the night and we’re finally going to go inside to see how far the magic spreads between us… but unfortunately for him, I’ve already realized that the magic just isn’t there for me. I suppose he will thank me in the end. Once he finds Mrs. Right.
And I’m sure that one day, I will complete my life by finding the right person for me as well. I have everything else right now, I just need to be patient and have faith that it will happen for me one day too.
“Thank you for tonight,” I start softly. “But, Jake, I think that we need to talk.”
“We do?” He cocks one eyebrow curiously at me. “Is everything okay?”
“I don’t…” Oh God, this is going to be hard. Being grown up and mature about things definitely isn’t easy! “I don’t know if this thing is going to go any further. Between you and me.”
“What do you mean? I thought that we had fun together.”
“Oh, we do. Don’t get me wrong. I just don’t know if there’s that spark between us.”
“We aren’t going to fully know that until we head in to the bedroom, are we?”
I laugh, assuming that he’s joking, but judging from his facial expression I’m not totally convinced that he is.
“I don’t think we will be going to the… bedroom.” I have to stifle another laugh. “I think… I think it’s best for us to remain friends. Because I do like you, just I don’t know, not romantically.”
A range of emotions cross Jake’s face and I wait fearfully for the one that he’s going to land on. He could go mad and accuse me of using him, he could cry, he could freak out… but instead, he simply nods.
Okay, so maybe being an adult isn’t the worst thing in the world… perhaps…
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Reece
I wake up to the shrill sound of my cell phone ringing. I shouldn’t have it on loud at night, it isn’t fair on anyone else, but I must have been shattered last night and crashed out… while I was still online stalking Alexa. I know, I know, I promised myself last week that I would just let her go, but it hasn’t been that easy. Letting go isn’t as simple as it supposed to be. Cutting off clean is not as straight forward as it should be.
“Hello?” I croak in to the receiver. “Reece Moore speaking.” I’m formal because I don’t know the number.
“Reece, it’s Nadine.” I bolt upright as I hear the sheer panic in her voice. She isn’t normally like this. She’s usually cool, calm, and collected at all times. That’s the best thing about her. “Oliver is sick.”
“S… sick? What do you mean sick? How bad?” My heart races, I instantly feel sick. The idea of my son being ill and me not being there is the worst thing in the whole damn world. “What’s going on?”
I leap out of my bed and drag trousers on, barely even thinking about everything else going on around me. If I need to get the hell out of here, then I will run off without a second thought. Nothing else matters, not my job, not the contract, none of it. Oliver is the most important thing in the world.
“We’re at the hospital now. I think… I think that he’s going to be okay, they… they said that the fever is down a bit, but I just needed to let you know, I didn’t want… well, I didn’t want you to not know.”
“I’m coming,” I inform her without a second thought. “You just hold tight. I’m on the way.”
“I don’t know if you need to come, I was just letting you know…”
“My son is sick. I am on the way, you don’t need to worry. Just keep me informed.”
“Yes, okay I will do. I will… I’ll text you if you’re going to be on the road.”
“Thanks, Nadine. And thank you for ringing me. That means a lot.”
I hang up the phone and finish getting dressed, then I get on the phone to the HR department. I probably should contact the Admiral too, since he’s still my boss wherever I am, but I’m not going to. I cannot deal with him right now. I don’t want his bullshit, not when I’m already in a terrible emotional turmoil. Plus, he won’t let me go, whereas HR will. This isn’t ‘special treatment’, this is just general human nature. The fact that I can go back, see my child, and let them know what’s going on and when I’ll be coming back to work.
“Thank you so much,” I gush. “I really appreciate this. As soon as I’ve been to the hospital…”
“Of course, thank you, Reece. Keep us updated whenever you can.”
I rush home, barely even thinking straight as I go. Nadine messages me the whole way, keeping me informed. Although to be honest, I don’t know how much she understands herself. Plus, I think that she’s in a panic which is making her even more irrational. I’m just holding on to the thought that at least I will see Oliver soon.
Not soon enough, of course, the whole journey is a nightmare which takes a long time, but when I do get there, I don’t go home. I head for the hospital to see Oliver. He’s the only person I care about. I crash through the doors and demand to know what room he’s in from the reception desk.
“He’s in room twenty six,” the guy at the desk informs me, with nerves in his eyes. “Do you need help?”
“No, I just need to see my boy, that’s all.”
I tear off, almost knocking an old lady down as I do, and soon outside the correct room, I find Nadine on the floor, sitting by the wall with her head in her hands. A sight that makes my heart sink right down.
“Nadine,” I scream. “Nadine, no, please… tell me what’s going on, please.”
Not only does the hospital bring back the horrific memories of losing Christine, but the image of Nadine looking sad crushes me. Instantly, my brain flies through the worst possible scenarios in the world. I blink a few times, trying to get rid of all the most horrific, bloody images in the whole damn world.
“Nadine, tell me.” I lean down and grip her shoulders. “Is he…”
“He’s okay.” She nods. “He’s stable now, he is. I’m sorry, I’m just… drained.”
Relief floods through me, he’s okay. Oliver is alright, that’s the main thing. “Can I see him?”
“I don’t know.” Nadine struggles to her feet. “I think so. I will have to find a doctor.”
“You go home,” I insist. “You’re exhausted, you can’t do anything while you’re in this state. Go and rest, I will take things from here now. This is what I came back for. You need sleep.”
I don’t know if she wants to agree, but in the end, she nods weakly and calls a cab to come and pick her up. She’s probably been here all night long, growing more exhausted by the moment. I watch her walk down the hallway, then I slide inside the door, determined to see Oliver no matter what any doctor says.
“Sir, can I help you?” the woman in a white coat demands. “This isn’t a public space…”
“I know, I know. That’s my son.” I gulp as I look at my boy. Somehow, he looks smaller and more frail in that bed. “Is he okay? I came back from work to know what’s going on with him…”
“Ah, you are Reece Moore?” I nod. “Okay, well I can fill you in on his condition, but the first thing that I need to let you know that for now, he is okay. He is stable and improving by the moment.”
I breathe out a sigh of relief and nod. Thank God, I don’t know what I would have done if things went wrong. If the worst had happened. I barely held it together the last time, this time I don’t know what I would do.
“Okay great, thank you, that’s wonderful news. Can you please tell me what’s going on?”
She runs through my son’s condition, finally getting to the end, where he is right now, and I feel terribly sorry for Nadine. It sounds like it was the most horrific experience ever. I will have to seriously thank her… but I should have been here. I shouldn’t have been far away when this happened. That was wrong.
It hurts. It aches in my chest hard. I really need to find a way to stay here permanently. I really don’t think that I can go back again, I really don’t think that I can leave Oliver behind another time.
I consider that a lot once the doctor leaves me alone with my son. I hold his hand and desperately try to think about a way that I can be around for my child in the way that he desperately needs me to.
My cell phone rings and I pull it out to see the Admiral’s name on the screen. He now knows, there isn’t any other reason that he would call me. We don’t exactly have any kind of speaking relationship now. Maybe I should answer and hash this out now, get it over and done with, but I don’t want to. It’s been a long ass journey, I have really been through the mill, I cannot be bothered to deal with him.
“I will talk to you another time,” I mutter. “When you have calmed down a bit.”
I don’t know if he will ever calm down now, not when it comes to me. He’s held on to the anger about me and Alexa for two months, this will only add to that. Somehow, I need to get this man out of my life for good.
I have always been in the Navy one way or another since I’ve been an adult, I don’t know what I will be without it. It’s a massive part of my identity, but then Oliver is more important. If I have to give up a big part of me for my son, then I will. It’ll be better for him to know me, to have me, and that’s that. It’s so clear to me now.
There must be another way that I can make myself happy anyway, and I will find it.
I clutch on to his tiny fingers, pleading that he will wake up soon and I can finally see him properly. Much as the doctor has convinced me that he’s okay, until I see his eyes open, I will always be fearful.
“Come on, baby boy,” I plead. “Let me see you. Let me know that you’re okay…”
* * *
I don’t know how much later it is that Nadine returns to the hospital, but I’m asleep across Oliver’s bed when she arrives. She touches me lightly on the shoulder to gently wake me up, but I jolt anyway as if she’s hit me. I don’t know what I was dreaming about but it melts away in a heartbeat as I see a friendly face smiling back at me. I feel good as I smile back, it’s nice to be surrounded by someone who gets what I’m going through.
“Oh, Nadine.” I rub my eyes hard, trying to will the sleep away. “You look much better.”
“Yes, I feel much better after the sleep, which is why I’m back. I think you need to rest as well,” she tells me softly. “I don’t mean to be rude, but you look absolutely exhausted. Rubbish, actually.”
“Oh no, I don’t think so. Oliver needs me here and I didn’t come back just to sleep.”
“Reece, you look shattered. You need to sleep. You are no good to Oliver like this. If he wakes up now, you are too tired to really speak to him, to look after him. Come back after a rest. I will be here, and I will ring you if he does wake up so that you can come back right away. You won’t miss out on anything.”
“I don’t know…” I start, but I’m not sure where I’m going with this.
“Reece, you know I’m speaking sense, don’t you? Just look after yourself a bit. Oliver needs that.”
The only thing that makes me agree is the fact that I truly am so exhausted. I know that she’s right. So, once I have handed over to Nadine, a person who I know cares for my son as much as I do, I head home. I head back to the building which I haven’t been in for a very long time, and I wander towards the bedroom. It’s natural, but strange too, like I don’t totally belong here at the moment. I suppose I don’t, I shouldn’t be here. And no one has been here for a while. Nadine comes when she needs things, but mostly she has Oliver at her place because it’s better for her. Since she’s such a good nanny, I’m happy with whatever she needs.
Flickers of memories flash through my brain as I stagger
towards my bed, memories of happiness, of Alexa. I can’t stop them in my current state. I’ll probably crash out asleep instantly and dream of her, but I don’t have any control over that right now. I’m practically delirious with exhaustion.
I wish that she was here, I think as I collapse on to the sheets, my eyes closing. It would be better if she was.
But I can’t call her, I can’t suggest that. I’m supposed to be getting a clean break.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Alexa
I walk to my favorite place for lunch, my stomach rumbling with hunger as I go. This sandwich shop is amazing, but expensive, so I only go once a week, usually as a treat on a Friday. Today, I need the treat more than ever. I’m still reeling a bit from what happened last night with Jake. It wasn’t bad, but it still hurts. I don’t like causing pain to any other person, but I had to. It was for the best… but it’s left me feeling empty.
It’ll be fine, I try to convince myself as I press my belly. I don’t know what I’m trying to shove away, the hunger pains or the anxious butterflies that don’t seem to want to leave. It will be okay.
But the nerves only grow and get bigger, and it doesn’t take me long to work out why. The only bad thing about this sandwich shop, aside from the price, is that it passes Reece’s home to get there. It doesn’t matter because it’s empty, he’s away, so I don’t have to worry about seeing him, but still I feel weird.
Keep your eyes down, I remind myself. Don’t look at the house, it’s just a building.
But it isn’t just a building. It’s a place with some of the most wonderful memories of my whole life. What a shame it got destroyed by him and that stupid freaking dating website. It could have been everything…