Murder on the Front Nine

by Steve McMillen

  He and the twins are having a good time until three lowlifes think that he has one too many girlfriends. They start making passes at the twins and of course, he and the twins just ignore them. This goes on for about thirty minutes and finally Maggie has had enough. She goes up to the leader of the three losers and gets right in his face.

  In a very subdued but stern voice she says, “If you don’t leave us alone, I am going to cut your dick off, stick it down your throat and you are going to choke to death on your own penis.”

  As she finishes her little speech, she grabs his balls and squeezes very hard, tears begin to flow from his eyes and he cannot speak.

  “Now do you understand me, numb nuts?”

  Her foe can only move his head up and down in an affirmative manner.

  It is so noisy and crowded in the club that no one hears or sees what Maggie does or says to the number one stooge. Of course, Lorrie knows what is happening but Freddy has no idea, he has never seen the girls in action except in bed.

  Maggie loosens her grip on Mr. Loser and he gasps for air.

  She smiles and says, “Nice talking with you friend. Don’t forget what I just said.”

  She walks over to where Freddy and Lorrie are and tells them, “I don’t think they’ll be bothering us anymore tonight.”

  Lorrie smiles and says, “I can’t believe he’s still standing.”

  “Remember, Mom told us to be good,” Maggie replies.

  Freddy has no idea what either one of them is talking about so he just shakes his head and agrees.

  Freddy has one bad habit. He smokes! Cigarettes are bad for your health is a phrase we have all heard. Well, if Freddy did not smoke, he may still be alive today.

  He tells the twins he is going to step outside for a smoke and the twins do not notice that the three stooges follow him. Freddy has no chance at all. He no sooner lights up his smoke then there is a knife in his back, and he is being herded out to the parking lot. One stooge sticks a paper towel in his mouth and the other ties his hands with a plastic tie. The stooges have done this before.

  Lorrie looks around the bar for the lowlifes, she is keeping an eye on them to make sure Maggie’s message got through to them.

  “They’re gone Maggie, the bad guys are gone!”

  The twins search the bar and cannot find them. “Come on, they must have followed Freddy,” Maggie says as she grabs Lorrie and charges out the front door.

  As they get outside, they can see in the distance four figures going out to the parking lot. One of them looks like Freddy. Lorrie and Maggie have just turned into Bambi and Thumper and they are not happy campers.

  As they arrive at the parking area, they notice a car leaving in a big hurry. The twins locate their car and follow after the vehicle they think has Freddy. They follow the car down to the beach, jump out, and run after the people who have him. They catch up with them very quickly on the beach. It is late night and the beach is deserted.

  “We thought you may come after your boyfriend, nice of you to make it so easy for us,” Maggie’s lowlife friend says.

  Maggie very quietly replies, “Where is he?”

  “Oh, he is right over there in the surf, but he won’t do either one of you any good anymore. But now don’t worry, we are going to see that both of you get everything you have coming to you, several times each.”

  Lorrie looks at Maggie and whispers, “Now remember, mom told us not to get into any trouble.”

  Maggie smiles at Lorrie and replies, “You’re right but she also said we can defend ourselves if someone else starts the trouble.”

  “You’re right Maggie, let’s kick some ass.”

  The twins are not afraid. They jump on the three assailants like a Tasmanian Devil on fresh road kill. By the time they are finished the bad lowlifes are bleeding, bruised and out cold. The only plus on their side is they are not dead, at least not yet.

  The twins rush over to Freddy, who is not so lucky. They find him lying in the surf beneath a velvet sky bleached by a nearly full moon. He stares up at them with eyes that are gazing somewhere other than here. He suffered several stab wounds and it looks as if his neck is broken. Maggie searches for a pulse but comes up empty. She is beside herself. She wants to kill all three of the assailants right now but Lorrie pulls her away.

  “We need to call 911 and get the hell out of here. We can’t bring Freddy back and the cops will have the guys who killed him.”

  Lorrie calls 911 and reports a murder. She then throws her phone in the ocean. Even if they recover the phone, the saltwater will have destroyed all the information on it.

  Just to make sure the bad guys stay, the twins give them a few good kicks before they leave. Maggie finds her friend on the ground and gives him a swift kick to the side of the head.

  “I told you to leave us alone!” she yells as she kicks him again.

  They can hear the sirens so they look back at Freddy one last time and go back to their car.

  When the police arrive, two of the bad guys are moving around but Maggie’s lowlife friend is still out cold and may be that way for a long time. They are too embarrassed to tell the police they had their butts kicked by a couple of girls, so they say Freddy started the fight and they were just defending themselves. Later, after a full investigation, the police charge them with murder, but they never implicate the twins.

  Mom is going to be very upset, the twins are both thinking on their way home; they are right, mom is livid. They decide to pack up and head back to Virginia right away. While the twins are packing, Cindy thinks she had better call Barry and give him the bad news. She makes the call.

  Barry’s cell phone rings at one o’clock in the morning. He and Bill have rooms at the Holiday Inn on the ocean in Panama City Beach. He answers and it’s Cindy.

  “I hope I’m not calling too late but we have a problem,” Cindy says with a choked voice.

  “What’s the problem Cindy, have the twins ended up in jail again?”

  “Not yet Barry, but they were out clubbing with one of Judge Cadium’s friends tonight and the judge’s friend was killed.”

  She closes her eyes waiting for him to go off on her but there is silence on the other end of the phone.

  After a few seemingly endless seconds of silence, he replies in a rather calm voice, “Okay, Cindy, tell me what happened. Did the twins kill this guy?”

  “Of course not. The girls were out with Freddy hitting some of the clubs and he went outside to smoke. The next thing the girls knew, someone kidnaps him and the twins are following the car down to the beach where they find him dead.”

  “First of all, who is Freddy?” He asks.

  “He is a friend of Judge Cadium’s and he helps him on his boat. The girls were getting info from him because the judge was very evasive about anything that happens on the boat.”

  Cindy is speaking almost too fast for Barry to understand her.

  “Now Cindy just slow down a little bit, what did they learn from Freddy?”

  “Well, the girls told me that Freddy told them that he and the judge were out off of Pawleys Island looking for something but that the judge never said what they were looking for.”

  “Ok, now Cindy, are the girls okay and did they do anything wrong that could reflect back on SIL?”

  “I don’t think so, but you know the girls, sometimes they get carried away.”

  “All right Cindy, here’s what I want you to do. Grab the girls, pack up your things right now, tonight, and go back to Virginia Beach. Don’t stop until you get there. Do you understand? When you get home, send me a statement and I will see that you get paid.”

  “Thanks Barry, we’ll be on our way within an hour.” Cindy is relieved that he has not raked her over the coals.

  He smiles. He has his answer. The judge was looking for treasure and he was the one who sent the map to Trever Byers.

  He hopes the twins did not do anything too drastic and the police do not find out about them and track the
girls down. He figures if worse comes to worse, he can get by with telling the police the girls are working on a case for SIL. It has worked before to get Bambi and Thumper out of trouble.

  Chapter 36: Mickke D & Blue

  I sleep in until almost 7:30 the next morning after my meeting with Judge Cadium and my daydream about Colombia. I did sleep okay last night; my demons did not rear their ugly heads again. After my orange juice and oatmeal, I go next door to Jimmy’s house and ask him to check out Cindy North and the twins.

  “I thought the job was over Mickke D, what happened?” He asks.

  “I learned some things yesterday that makes me think there is more to this than what I had originally thought.”

  “So does this mean you may have some more work for me? That was fun the last couple of days. By the way, do I get paid for any of this?”

  “As a matter of fact, yes you do. You can have all of the golf lessons you will ever need free of charge.”

  “But Mickke D, you already give me free golf lessons.”

  “I know, but now it’s forever, so you had better live for a long time and make sure I stay alive to give you free lessons.”

  He smiles and we high five.

  I leave Jimmy’s house and opt to work in the yard. This will give me some time to relax and contemplate my next move.

  As I begin working in the yard, which I really do enjoy, I notice my neighbors’ dog staring at me from across the street. He is part German shepard and part husky. He has pale blue/white eyes and is just about the friendliest dog I have ever known. His name is Blue and he is my best buddy. It’s great to be able to get your dog fix with your neighbor’s dog and not one that you have to take care of yourself.

  Blue very seldom barks but when he does, there is usually something serious going on and I have never heard him growl at anyone or anything. I have seen some very scared people walking or riding bikes down our street when Blue comes charging at them from around the corner of the house. There is an electric fence around my neighbor’s yard and Blue does respect the fence but not all the people know the fence is there.

  He wants them to play with him or feed him. I think half the people on our street give him dog treats. When I feed him, I make him sit and give me a high five before he gets his treat. He is very spoiled. In addition, I hate to say this, but he is one strange dog.

  Blue loves to dig. They are not small little holes but huge holes. Sometimes when he’s digging, I can only see the backend of his body and the rest of him is in the hole. About once a month, my neighbor comes out and fills in the holes that he has dug. He just lays there and watches her do her thing. Then after she finishes, he waits until she goes back inside, then he looks all around the yard and across the street to see if anyone is watching. If he doesn’t see anyone, he starts digging again and within thirty minutes, he has this humongous hole back again. He digs right next to the driveway and several of my neighbors friends have had their car wheels stuck in the holes and have been unable to get out without help.

  He loves the rain; he will lay out by his holes in the rain and sleep in a mud puddle. He also enjoys jumping up on cars. He will jump up and just sit there and admire his yard and his big holes. Personally, I think Blue’s elevator does not go to the top floor.

  He likes to chase me, in his yard, when I get on my Trikke for a little exercise. The Trikke is a three-wheeled self-propelled means of transportation with no pedals and is an excellent way to work out. It’s sort of like cross-country skiing on pavement. I watched a commercial on TV and it really looked like fun. It does take a little time to get used to making it go and it does not like inclines. It took me a long time to figure out how to go uphill. Since I was not out doing physical labor at the time, I thought it would be good for me. They filmed the commercial at the beach in California on flat smooth ground. River Hills is smooth but not flat, I guess that is why it’s called River Hills. Overall, I do enjoy the Trikke, I get my exercise and Blue gets his by chasing me up and down his yard.

  I get started on my yard and about one hour into my project, I hear a vehicle coming down the street. The speed limit on all streets in River Hills is 25 mph and this guy has to be doing 40 plus. As he nears my yard I give him the slow down sign and he comes to a screeching halt at the end of the cul-de-sac and jumps out of his pickup truck. I can tell by his behavior that he probably drank his lunch and he took more than a normal lunch hour.

  I am standing in my driveway with my shovel and rake preparing to put leaves and debris in my trash bag. Now the rake I am using is not a normal rake. It is about four feet long with a pink wooden handle and a little pink head. One of my ex-wives left it in the garage and it works great for the task I am doing.

  As the man gets closer, he is yelling something about me giving him the finger, which of course I did not. I gave him the palms down sign to slow down. I doubt very much if he would have been able to tell the difference. He is smashed.

  I notice that he has a carpenter’s belt on and the only weapon that is visible is a claw hammer and a screwdriver. The closer he gets to me the louder he gets and the more pissed off I am becoming.

  I am a very easygoing type of person until someone pushes the wrong button. Nevertheless, what I have to remember is that the army trained me to kill quickly and quietly. I have had to learn self-control as a civilian, which sometimes has not been easy. My ex-wives can attest to that.

  As the carpenter comes up to me, I can smell the alcohol on his breath. He reams me a new asshole and then I politely say, “Are you finished?”

  I try to explain to him that I had not given him the finger but that I just wanted him to slow down because there are kids who ride bikes and retired people in the neighborhood who walk in the street or back out into the street with their cars. I could tell he was not listening and did not care.

  Always remember one thing: If you are going to get into a fight, think you are going to get into a fight, or just think there is a good chance of a fight, there is one thing you should do. Always land the first punch! Do not be a hero and let your opponent hit you first.

  The split second the carpenter reaches for his hammer and utters the words, “nice rake, Alice,” I move the handle of the rake around and pound it into his solar plexus.

  Now some folks have called me Alice on the golf course when I leave a putt three feet short but never in my own driveway and he should never have made fun of my pink rake.

  As he starts to fall forward, I put my right leg behind his left leg and push him back with the rake. He falls on his butt holding his chest. I place my left foot on his chest and push him to the pavement, the handle of my cute little pink rake in the middle of his throat. He raises his hands in surrender. The fight is over.

  I am about to let him up when I hear another vehicle coming down the street, also going too fast. Here comes another pickup, it stops by the other pickup, and two new carpenters get out and head my way. I also hear noise from behind me and I am beginning to think things are not going well; the odds are not in my favor. I’m thinking, three to one, not bad; four to one, not good.

  “Mickke D, do we have a problem here?” a familiar voice asks.

  My neighbor Jimmy walks up and stands beside me. As I mentioned before, he is a big man and not the type of person you really want to piss off. I guess we made a physical impression on them, because the two smaller carpenters stated their friend had made the wrong turn and they would get him out of here.

  I let the guy up and as he leaves with his two friends, here come two more cars, except these have blue lights flashing, but no sirens.

  Now wait a minute, I have a helicopter land in my backyard and no one shows up; I watch a fight in a public restaurant and no one shows up, but I have a small disagreement in my front yard and two police cars show up. What’s wrong with this picture?

  So now I have three carpenters, two pickup trucks, two police cars with lights flashing and Blue is barking his head off. I can just see the neighbors
peeking out of their windows saying, “We need to get rid of this guy, he’s bringing down the neighborhood.”

  The police officers get out of their cars and walk up to us. Officer Doan and Officer Dunn look around and Doan says to no one in particular, “Is there a problem here?”

  I answer, “No officers, just a little misunderstanding, it’s all straightened out now.”

  Doan looks at Dunn and says, “Let’s look at some drivers licenses and get some names.”

  Dunn walks over to the three carpenters and Doan looks at Jimmy and me. We reach into our pockets, get out our wallets and hand our licenses to him. He looks at my license and laughs. Now I know my picture is not that great but I didn’t think it was funny.

  Doan looks over at Dunn and says, “Hey Dunn, guess who I’ve got over here?”

  “I give up, who, Al Capone?”

  “No, it’s Mickke D, the guy who gave Woolever and Stratten the slip after a ten-minute tail, remember everyone was laughing about it in the squad room?”

  “Oh yeah, well guess who I’ve got over here?”

  “Okay, I give up, who, the Three Stooges?”

  “No, three guys who have had too much to drink.”

  “Okay, call it in and I’ll get a statement.”

  I tell Officer Doan what happened and he seems to believe me. He asks if there is anything, he can do for us. I ask him if he could speak to the three carpenters to make sure they do not decide to come back when they sober up and try to get even one way or another.

  Doan walks over to the three carpenters and says, “Gentlemen, and I use that term only because I have to, if anything happens to Mr. MacCandlish or any of his property, whether it is your fault or not, I will see to it that all three of you go to jail. Is that clear?”

  All three nod their heads in agreement.