Faithless

by Karin Slaughter

  Sara could only nod. Zeke’s mouth opened in a yawn that showed his tonsils.

  “Are you sleepy?” she asked.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “He’s pretty wiped out,” Lev excused. He set Zeke down on the floor, saying, “Go find your aunt Esther and tell her you’re ready for bed.” Lev kissed the top of his head, then patted his bottom to get him moving.

  “It’s been a hard couple of days for all of us,” Lev told Sara. She could feel his grief, but part of her wondered if he was putting on a show for her benefit, knowing she would report back to Jeffrey.

  Mary said, “We take comfort in knowing she’s in a better place.”

  Lev’s brow furrowed as if he didn’t understand, but he recovered quickly, saying, “Yes, yes. That’s true.” Sara could tell from his reaction that he had been taken off guard by his sister’s words. She wondered if he had been talking about Rebecca instead of Abby, but there was no way to ask without revealing what Esther had done.

  Sara saw Tessa across the room. She was unwrapping a honey bun as she talked to a plainly dressed young man who had his long hair pulled back into a ponytail. Tessa saw Sara looking and excused herself, walking over. Her hand trailed along Zeke’s head as she passed the boy. Sara had never been so happy to see her sister in all her life— until she opened her mouth.

  She pointed to Sara and Lev. “Y’all look more alike than we do.”

  They laughed, and Sara did her best to join in. Both Lev and Paul were taller than Sara, Mary and Esther easily matching her own five eleven. For once, Tessa was the one whose height made her look out of place. Sara could think of few other times when she had felt more uncomfortable.

  Lev asked Sara, “You don’t remember me, do you?”

  Sara looked around the room, feeling embarrassed that she didn’t remember a boy she had met over thirty years ago. “I’m sorry, I don’t.”

  “Sunday school,” he said. “Was it Mrs. Dugdale, Papa?” Thomas nodded, the right side of his face going up into a smile. “You kept asking all these questions,” Lev told Sara. “I wanted to tape your mouth shut because we were supposed to get Kool-Aid after we did our Bible verses and you’d keep holding up your hand and asking all sorts of things.”

  “Sounds about right,” Tessa said. She was eating a honey bun, acting as if she hadn’t a care in the world, as if her mother hadn’t had an affair with the man sitting in a wheelchair beside her, the man who had fathered a child who looked almost identical to Sara.

  Lev told his father, “There was this storybook with a drawing of Adam and Eve, and she kept saying, ‘Mrs. Dugdale, if God created Adam and Eve, why do they have belly buttons?’ ”

  Thomas whooped an unmistakable laugh, and his son joined in. Sara must have been getting used to Thomas’s speech, because she understood him perfectly when he said, “It’s a good question.”

  Lev said, “I don’t know why she didn’t just tell you it was an artistic rendering, not actual footage.”

  Sara remembered very little of Mrs. Dugdale other than her constant cheerfulness, but she did recall, “I think her response was that you had to have faith.”

  “Ah,” Lev said, thoughtful. “I detect a scientist’s disdain for religion.”

  “I’m sorry,” Sara apologized. She had certainly not come here to insult anyone.

  “‘Religion without science is blind,’ ” Lev quoted.

  “You’re forgetting the first part,” she reminded him. “Einstein also said that science without religion is lame.”

  Lev’s eyebrows shot up.

  Unable to stop her smart mouth, Sara added, “And he also said that we should look for what is, not what we think should be.”

  “All theories, by their nature, are unproven ideas.”

  Thomas laughed again, obviously enjoying himself. Sara felt embarrassed, as if she had been caught showing off.

  Lev tried to keep her going. “It’s an interesting dichotomy, isn’t it?”

  “I don’t know,” Sara mumbled. She wasn’t about to get into a philosophical argument with the man in front of his own family, standing in the back room of the church his father had probably built with his own two hands. Sara was also mindful that she did not want to make things bad for Tessa.

  Lev seemed oblivious. “Chicken or the egg?” he asked. “Did God create man, or did man create God?”

  Trying not to get pulled in, Sara decided to say something she thought he wanted to hear. “Religion plays an important role in society.”

  “Oh, yes,” he agreed, and she couldn’t tell if he was teasing her or baiting her. Either way, she was annoyed.

  She said, “Religion gives a common bond. It creates groups, families, who form societies with common values and goals. These societies tend to thrive more than groups without a religious influence. They pass on this imperative to their children, the children pass it on to theirs and so on.”

  “The God gene,” he provided.

  “I suppose,” she allowed, really wishing she hadn’t let herself get roped into this.

  Suddenly, Connolly spoke up, angrier than Sara could have imagined. “Young lady, you are either at the right hand of God or you are not.”

  Sara blushed crimson at his tone. “I just—”

  “You are either the faithful or the faithless,” Connolly insisted. There was a Bible on the table and he picked it up, raising his voice. “I pity the faithless, for they inherit an eternity in the fiery pits of hell.”

  “Amen,” Mary murmured, but Sara kept her eyes on Connolly. In the blink of an eye, he had changed into the man Jeffrey had warned her about, and she quickly tried to appease him. “I’m sorry if I—”

  “Now, Cole,” Lev interrupted, his tone teasing as if Connolly were a tiger without the teeth. “We’re just joshing around here.”

  “Religion is nothing to play around with,” Connolly countered, the veins standing out in his neck. “You, young lady, you don’t play with people’s lives! We’re talking about salvation here. Life and death!”

  Tessa said, “Cole, come on,” trying to defuse the situation. Sara could certainly take care of herself, but she was glad to have her sister’s support, especially considering she had no idea what Connolly was capable of.

  “We have a guest, Cole.” Lev’s tone was still polite, but there was a definite edge to it— not exactly threatening but asserting whatever authority he had in this place. “A guest who is entitled to her own opinions, much as you are.”

  Thomas Ward spoke, but Sara could only make out a few words. She gathered he said something about God blessing man with the freedom to choose.

  Connolly was visibly biting back his anger when he said, “I should go see if Rachel needs help.” He stormed away, his fists clenched at his sides. Sara noticed his broad shoulders and muscular back. She found herself thinking that despite his age, Cole Connolly could easily take on half the men in this room without breaking a sweat.

  Lev watched him go. She didn’t know the preacher well enough to tell if he was amused or irritated, but he seemed genuine when he told her, “I do apologize for that.”

  Tessa asked, “What on earth was that all about? I’ve never seen him so upset.”

  “Abby has been a great loss to us,” Lev answered. “We all deal with grief in our own way.”

  Sara took a second to find her voice. “I’m sorry I upset him.”

  “You have no need to apologize,” Lev told Sara, and from his chair, Thomas made a noise of agreement.

  Lev continued, “Cole’s from a different generation. He’s not one for introspection.” He gave an open smile. “‘Old age should burn and rave at close of day . . . ’ ”

  Tessa finished, “‘Rage, rage against the dying of the light.’ ”

  Sara didn’t know what shocked her more, Connolly’s flash of anger or Tessa quoting Dylan Thomas. Her sister had a twinkle in her eye, and Sara finally understood Tessa’s sudden religious conversion. She had a crush on the pastor.
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  Lev told Sara, “I’m sorry he upset you.”

  “I’m not upset,” Sara lied. She tried to sound convincing, but Lev looked troubled that his guest had been insulted.

  “The problem with religion,” Lev began, “is that you always get to that point where the questions can’t be answered.”

  “Faith,” Sara heard herself saying.

  “Yes.” He smiled, and she didn’t know if he was agreeing with her or not. “Faith.” He raised an eyebrow at his father. “Faith is a tricky proposition.”

  Sara must have looked as angry as she felt, because Paul said, “Brother, it’s a wonder you never managed to marry a second time, the way you have with women.”

  Thomas was laughing again, a trail of spittle dribbling down his chin, which Mary quickly wiped off. He spoke, an obvious effort as what he had to say was not brief, but again Sara couldn’t make out a word of it.

  Instead of translating, Mary chastised, “Papa.”

  Lev told Sara, “He said if you were a foot shorter and a hair more annoyed, you’d be the spitting image of your mother.”

  Tessa laughed with him. “It’s nice to have that put on somebody else for a change.” She told Thomas, “People are always saying I look like my mama and Sara looks like the milkman.”

  Sara wasn’t certain, but she thought there was something reserved about Thomas’s smile.

  Lev said, “Unfortunately, the only thing I inherited from Papa is his bullheadedness.”

  The family laughed good-naturedly.

  Lev glanced at his watch. “We’ll be starting in a few minutes. Sara, do you mind joining me out front?”

  “Of course not,” she said, hoping he didn’t want to finish their discussion.

  Lev held open the door to the sanctuary for her, closing it softly behind them. He kept his hand on the knob as if he wanted to make sure no one followed them.

  “Listen,” he said, “I’m sorry if I pushed your buttons in there.”

  “You didn’t,” she replied.

  “I miss my theological debates with my father,” he explained. “He can’t talk very well, as you can see, and I just . . . well, I might have gotten a little carried away in there. I want to apologize.”

  “I’m not offended,” she told him.

  “Cole can get a little prickly,” he continued. “He sees things in black and white.”

  “I gathered.”

  “There are just certain kinds of people.” Lev showed his teeth as he smiled. “I was in the academic world for a few years. Psychology.” He seemed almost embarrassed. “There’s a trend among the highly educated to assume anyone who believes in God is either stupid or deluded.”

  “It was never my intention to give you that impression.”

  He got the dig, and put in one of his own. “I understand Cathy is a very religious person.”

  “She is,” Sara said, thinking she never wanted this man to even think about her mother, let alone mention her name. “She’s one of the most intelligent people I know.”

  “My own mother passed away shortly after I was born. I never had the pleasure of knowing her.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that,” Sara told him.

  Lev was staring at her, then he nodded as if he had made up his mind about something. If they hadn’t been in a church and if he hadn’t had a gold cross pinned to his lapel, she could have sworn he was flirting with her. He said, “Your husband is a very lucky man.”

  Instead of correcting him, Sara told him, “Thank you.”

  Jeffrey was lying in bed reading Andersonville when Sara got home. She was so glad to have him there that for a moment she didn’t trust herself to speak.

  He closed the book, using his finger to mark his place. “How’d it go?”

  She shrugged, unbuttoning her blouse. “Tessa was happy.”

  “That’s good,” he said. “She needs to be happy.”

  She unzipped her skirt. Her panty hose were on the floor of the car, where she had taken them off on the way home.

  “Did you see the moon?” he asked, and she had to think a minute to understand what he meant.

  “Oh.” She looked out the bedroom windows, where the lake was reflecting the full moon almost perfectly. “It’s gorgeous.”

  “Still no word on Rebecca Bennett.”

  “I talked to her mother tonight,” Sara said. “She’s very worried.”

  “I am, too.”

  “Do you think she’s in danger?”

  “I think I’m not going to sleep well until we find out where she is.”

  “Nothing on the search in the woods?”

  “Nothing,” he confirmed. “Frank didn’t find anything at the jewelry stores. We still haven’t heard back from the lab on blood typing from the second box.”

  “Ron must have gotten tied up,” she said, thinking it was odd for the pathologist not to do something he had promised to do. “They could’ve gotten in a rush or something.”

  He gave her a careful look. “Anything happen tonight?”

  “In particular?” she asked. The confrontation with Cole Connolly came to mind, but Sara was still upset about the discussion. She didn’t quite know how to articulate her feelings to Jeffrey, and the more she thought about it, the more she thought Lev’s interpretation of Connolly’s behavior might be correct. She was also a little embarrassed by her own behavior and wasn’t completely sure she hadn’t baited the old man into the altercation.

  She told Jeffrey, “The brother Paul asked me for a copy of Abby’s death certificate.”

  “That’s odd,” Jeffrey commented. “I wonder why?”

  “Maybe there’s a will or a trust?” Sara unfastened her bra as she walked into the bathroom.

  “He’s a lawyer,” Jeffrey told her. “I’m sure there’s some legal wrangling behind it.” He put the book on his bedside table and sat up. “Anything else?”

  “I met Lev’s son,” she said, wondering why she was bringing it up. The child had the longest, prettiest eyelashes she had ever seen, and just the thought of the way he had yawned, his mouth widening with the kind of abandon only a child can show, opened up a space in her heart that she had tried to close a long time ago.

  “Zeke?” Jeffrey asked. “He’s a cute kid.”

  “Yeah,” she agreed, checking the clothes basket for a T-shirt that was clean enough to sleep in.

  “What else happened?”

  “I let myself get into a religious discussion with Lev.” Sara found one of Jeffrey’s shirts and put it on. When she stood up, she noticed his toothbrush in the cup beside hers. His shaving cream and razor were lined up beside each other, his deodorant next to hers on the shelf.

  “Who won?” he asked.

  “Neither,” she managed, squirting toothpaste onto her toothbrush. She closed her eyes as she brushed her teeth, feeling dead tired.

  “You didn’t let anybody talk you into getting baptized, did you?”

  She felt too tired to laugh. “No. They’re all very nice. I can see why Tessa likes going there.”

  “They didn’t handle snakes or speak in tongues?”

  “They sang ‘Amazing Grace’ and talked about good works.” She rinsed her mouth and dropped her toothbrush back into the cup. “They’re a lot more fun than Mama’s church, I can tell you that.”

  “Really?”

  “Uh-huh,” she said, climbing into bed, relishing the feel of clean sheets. The fact that Jeffrey did the laundry was reason enough to forgive him for most if not all of his ills.

  He slid down beside her, leaning up on his elbow. “Fun how?”

  “No fire and brimstone, as Bella would say.” Remembering, she asked, “Did you tell them I’m your wife?”

  He had the grace to look embarrassed. “It might have slipped out.”

  She lightly punched him in the chest and he fell over on his back as if she had really hit him.

  She said, “They’re a tight bunch.”

  “The family?”

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sp; “I didn’t notice anything particularly weird about them. Well, no more weird than my family, and before you open your mouth, Mr. Tolliver, remember I’ve met your mother.”

  He accepted defeat with a slight nod of his head. “Was Mary there?”

  “Yes.”

  “She’s the other sister. Lev’s excuse for not coming in was that she was ill.”

  “She didn’t look sick to me,” Sara told him. “But I didn’t exactly give her an exam.”

  “What about the others?”

  She thought for a moment. “Rachel wasn’t around much. That Paul certainly likes to control things.”

  “Lev does, too.”

  “He said my husband is a lucky man.” She smiled, knowing this would annoy him.

  Jeffrey worked his jaw. “That so?”

  She laughed as she put her head on his chest. “I told him I was the lucky one to have such an honest husband.” She said “husband” in the grand Southern tradition, drawing out the word as “huuuz-bun.”

  She smoothed down his chest hair because it was tickling her nose. Jeffrey traced his finger along his Auburn class ring, which she was still wearing. She closed her eyes, waiting for him to say something, to ask her the same question he had been asking her for the last six months, but he didn’t.

  Instead, he said, “What did you need to see for yourself tonight?”

  Knowing she couldn’t postpone the inevitable much longer, she told him, “Mama had an affair.”

  His body tensed. “Your mother? Cathy?” He was as disbelieving as Sara had been.

  “She told me a few years ago,” Sara said. “She said it wasn’t a sexual affair, but she moved out of the house and left Daddy.”

  “That doesn’t sound like her at all.”

  “I’m not supposed to tell anybody.”

  “I won’t tell,” he agreed. “God, who would believe me?”

  Sara closed her eyes again, wishing her mother had never told her in the first place. At the time, Cathy had been trying to help Sara see that she could work things out with Jeffrey if she really wanted to, but now, the information was about as welcome as a theological discussion with Cole Connolly.

  She told him, “It was with this guy who founded the church. Thomas Ward.”