Charlie Needs A Cussbomb

by Daniel Whittman

Charlie Needs a Cussbomb

  By

  Daniel Whittman

  Copyright 2008 Daniel Whittman

  ****

  Charlie Needs a Cussbomb

  By

  Daniel Whittman

  Everyone that could walk rushed to the windows of the Hilltop Hospital. The word had flashed around that he was coming again. They crowded over each other trying to look down the hill and out over the city below.

  An extra sharp-eyed watcher yelled, Here he comes! But it sure doesnt look like he is going to make it this time. Hes too bright! He looks like a&well an angry volcano being jet propelled into town bottoms up.

  Far on the other side of the city a scarlet light rocketed its way toward the hospital getting ever brighter the closer it came.

  By shielding their eyes as it came near, they could see the scarlet glow was radiating from a stretcher inside a speeding ambulance with the siren wailing.

  White-coated Doctor Richardson stood waiting at the emergency entrance with a hypodermic syringe in one hand. His other hand was on the tip of a welders helmet. He snapped down the visor just as the siren tapered off and the ambulance drove up to the door.

  The doctor snatched the back door open and jumped into the ambulance. He was inside a full twenty minutes before the brilliance of the strange light began to dim enough not to hurt peoples eyes.

  Stepping out of the ambulance, he asked the attendants to take the patient to room 409 and put a Do Not Disturb sign on the door.

  About four oclock in the afternoon, Doctor Richardson quietly turned the doorknob of room 409 and walked inside the room. Lying in the bed was a very tall, heavy chested man, with long hairy arms. His intelligent looking face had the coloring of a seasick man in a leaky lifeboat.

  The doctor walked over, sat down on the bed, tapped his patient lightly on the shoulder and spoke as the patients eyes slowly opened. How are you feeling Charlie? Pretty rough, right?

  Charlie thought the words came out of the bunghole of a beer keg. He squinted his eyes and then recognized the doctor. Oh, hi Doc. Saved me again didnt you? Charlie forced a grin as he looked at the doctor. But my gosh Doc, what did you give me those shots with this time, a fire hose?

  Almost Charlie. Why heavens man, do you know you had the entire city in an uproar?

  But Doc, this time I couldnt help it! Fate sure dragged me through her wild backyard this time. She&

  The doctor waved Charlies beginning explanation aside and continued, As nice a person as you usually are, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. The doctor frowned slightly. Do you realize humans cannot go around glowing like animated furnaces?

  My gosh Doc, was I that bad? Youre kidding arent you?

  Charlie I have been telling you ever since you were a little fella emotionally you are like an atomic bomb. In addition, you are holding that temper in too tight a check, much too tight.

  The doctor shook his finger gently at Charlie. Charlie I am giving you this straight. You will have to learn to cuss. I do not mean a word or two. I mean&well remember what you said before, that someday you will be able to let loose such a blast of cuss words that if directed at a human, would boil and shrink his brain so small it would fall down his throat and choke him to death.

  But Doc I&

  The doctor good-naturedly cut him short. That kind of cussing is the only way to keep releasing the tremendous force of temperamental energy as fast as it builds up, and you know it! The doctor thumped Charlies chest, The next time they will have to dig you a membership in the hereafter.

  Yeah Doc, just like the gallows, the jerk is at the end of the rope. But dad blast it! Doc I just cant cuss! I can think em but I cant say em. You know that dont you Doc? Ive tried my best to learn havent I?

  The doctor sighed. Yes Charlie but have you tried hard enough?

  I guess not Doc. But dad blast it anyhow! How am I going to cuss without actually cussing? Tell me that Doc, how?

  I wish I knew. The doctor said shaking his head sadly, I wish I knew!

  Both men were silent for a few moments. Then Charlie spoke and acted as if a gorilla of an idea was beginning to shake the moldy ideas and cobwebs out of his head. Doc Im going to quit trying!

  The doctors head jerked up with a startled look on his face. Charlie has your mind gone on a stroll in the mystical land of Paul Bunyan?

  No&no I am not out of my mind. Besides, I dont really mean I am giving up at all. Im just giving up on the old cuss words. Im going to build a completely new dad blasted, bubbling, spitting, whoosh boom, and buzzer bam vocabulary! Doc dont look at me with those straight jackets in your eyes!

  Well after all Charlie I just & The doctor saw Charlie was on fire with an idea so he stopped talking.

  Doc theres only one way to do it. Actually no one can pin down a cuss word as a cuss word other than they relieve the pressure in the person saying or screaming them, right?

  Yes I suppose so Charlie but go on. What are you driving at anyhow?

  Just this Doc, if that is true then any word or phrase that has the same effect or stronger will do the trick, Dont you agree?

  Certainly Charlie, but I still do not see how you are going to accomplish that.

  First, Im going to gather all the word material I can lay my hands on from all over the city. Then Im going to build the best dad blasted cussing vocabulary you ever heard before. Well...almost anyhow. Dont you think it will work Doc?

  The doctor laughed. Yes Charlie that may work, if&if you do not run into someone or something that will play tunes on that hair-trigger temper of yours before you get that vocabulary into fighting shape.

  Yeah Doc I know. So Ill have to move faster than a gossip changing her friends.

  The doctor smiled and stood up. Just stay here for a couple days rest. Then you will be good as new. Be sure to make your plans carefully Charlie. If you do not get it right, you might not make it to the hospital alive next time.

  The doctor walked over to the door, had his hand on the knob, and then turned back at Charlie who was gazing out the window. The doctor spoke softly. Incidentally, what did set off this last performance you gave the city?

  Charlie had a blank look on his face at first. Then he said, Huh Doc? Oh that! That fool inventor neighbor of mine was the cause. Hes the one whose mother was frightened by a monkey wrench. Along about ten this morning since it was Saturday I decided to wash the windows. I was carrying the big ladder on my shoulder down the driveway when he called, Hey Charlie! Naturally, I turned around to see what he wanted then it happened. One end of the dad blasted ladder went through the windshield of my car. The other one smashed through our big picture window, and then smashed my wifes prize antique lamp, which scared our Persian cat so bad she clawed and hissed up the back of that old biddy of a social leader that my wife has been trying to make a good impression on for years. As they were loading me into the ambulance, I saw the dad blasted cat sitting on the cross arm of a telephone pole trying to shake off of her claws something that looked like a wig or maybe the dad blasted cat scalped her. I dont know for sure.

  The doctor cocked an eyebrow high on his forehead tried hard not to smile. After he was sure the giggles and guffaws would not break out and embarrass him, he said, Charlie I am surprised at you. You mean to tell me you let a trivial item such as that disturb you?

  Charlie jumped half way out of bed. Why dad blasted you Doc! Ill&Ill&

  Doctor Richardson laughed. See what I mean Charlie? You have a problem&a gigantic, colossal and life threatening problem! The doctor opened the door. On his way out he added, I dont imagine you would be interested in going home for a c
ouple day now anyhow.

  A couple of days later, Charlie was headed downtown to the public library in a taxicab. He was dressed in his favorite gray suit. He also had ten notebooks he was juggling from hand to hand. Impatient to take the first attempt at solving his problem had him squirming like a sweepstakes winner paying his income tax.

  Charlie stopped momentarily just inside the big revolving doors of the library, disagreeably surprised to see the night package-checking guard working days. The guard was all bedecked in overly polished brass buttons and gold braid as far as Charlie was concerned. Charlie could hear him snapping his crepe paper whip of authority at the man in front of him.

  Charlie started to turn back. Dad blast it! he thought. That reference room holds a lot of material I need. I cant take a chance and wait until later. I need it now! If I hop around here like a flea on a hot dog, maybe I can avoid another argument with that bloat brained, brass plated egoist.

  Charlies eyebrows jumped like a firecracker scared cat. He was thinking, Hey! That is what I want, words like that but with more branding irons and blowtorches in em.

  Charlie began to pick up steam as he headed for the reference section. He had completely forgotten about the guard. As he was about to pass the guards desk, an arm shot out to stop him in mid stride.

  The guards tone