by Nancy Naigle
Completely uncontrolled. Unpracticed. Unpredictably touching.
Hailey stretched out her leg next to Maeve’s, then pointed her toes. Each tiny toenail had been painted hot pink. It wasn’t a perfect job, although it probably had started out that way. The sand had done a number on them.
“What color polish is on your toes?” Hailey asked. “It’s pretty. So shiny and see-through. Maybe kind of silverish, but not glittery.”
Maeve mused at her intent thought on the subject. “No polish.” She wiggled her toes again, adoring the laughter that it brought on like a light switch. “Naked toes.”
“Naked? What?” She covered her mouth like the word naked was naughty. Perhaps it was, in some contexts. Better to leave that one alone. It had been a long time since she’d been around young children. My, what a treasure. The real kind. Human, breathing, learning, loving. Maeve loved the delight these innocent minds came up with. “I don’t paint my nails.”
“Not your fingers either?”
Maeve extended her hands, showing her. “No ma’am.”
“I’m not a ma’am. I’m just a little girl.”
“Oh you most certainly are. Ma’am isn’t about age; it’s about respect. I respect you, Hailey.”
Hailey sat taller. “Wow. That’s really good, right?”
“Very good.”
“Mommy paints my fingernails and toenails. Sometimes we go to the fancy place with the shaky chairs. It feels good, but it takes so long.” She brushed her hand across her brow. “Hours!” She dropped her hand and the drama. “Is that why you don’t have yours painted?”
Maeve slowly shook her head. There’d been a time when she dressed up her nails for Jarvis, but it had been a constant battle against nature. Then one day as she rushed to repair the chipped color before they went out, he’d said to her, “Couldn’t you be doing something better with your time? I really don’t care whether your toes are decorated.”
It had struck her as so odd. Offended at first, she couldn’t believe he’d have so little appreciation for her attempt to look her absolute best for him. Then he’d pulled her into his arms and said, “I love you just the way God made you. You don’t need to add one single thing.”
She could still remember how much that had meant to her. She loved him even more that day for it.
Maeve looked at Hailey. “Sometimes things are perfect the way they are, even if they aren’t perfect. What do you think?”
Hailey pressed a finger to her lip, truly considering this. “Your nails look so pretty and shiny.”
“I’m sure that’s from the sand.”
“That’s crazy.”
“No, not really. Think about it. Sand is coarse. Actually, it’s teensy leftovers of rocks and minerals.”
“That doesn’t help your toes shine.”
“Actually…” Maeve took three pieces of sea glass from her pocket and held them out for Hailey to see.
Hailey straightened to a stand. “Wow! They look like diamonds and rubies. What are the green ones, Mommy?”
“Emeralds.” Amanda glanced over at Maeve.
“Where’d you get them? At the jewelry store?”
“Nope.” Maeve shook her head. “They are sea glass, and they come in even more colors than that. I found them right out there on the beach.”
Hailey stretched taller as her body tensed with excitement. “Really?”
“Yes ma’am. Which one is your favorite?”
She mulled over the options before finally picking up a green one.
“Years and years ago, that was part of a broken glass bottle.”
“Like trash?”
“Yes, actually it was. This color could be as old as three thousand years ago but most likely is from the 1940s to the ’80s, when soda became popular. They used to bottle lemon-lime soda in bright-green bottles. That broken piece of glass starts out sharp, but when it’s in the sand, the water pushes it back and forth, wearing away all the sharp edges. Eventually, all the ridges smooth until it becomes frosted like this one.”
“That’s why your naked toes are so shiny like they are painted?”
“I suppose it is.”
Shock resonated from Hailey’s lips to her eyebrows. “Mom, I want to have naked toes from now on. Okay?”
“Fine by me. Maybe I’ll try that too. It does look pretty.”
“We can be as pretty as Miss Maeve.” Hailey’s head bobbed up and down.
“That is the nicest compliment anyone has ever given me. You made my day. Thank you, Hailey.”
“It was an accident, but you’re welcome.” Hailey flung herself into Maeve’s arms. “I’m glad I made you happy. I wasn’t even trying.”
11
Thank goodness Amanda had let the kids pick out a few extra books at the library this week. With the high temperatures and humidity, she’d become accustomed to a daily thunderstorm, and that was no problem. She’d started planning the indoor activities around the weather. Good thing, too, because it ended up being nearly three days straight of rain.
They were all beginning to have cabin fever. She’d done her best to keep them busy. They worked on crafts, colored, and even did a science project that turned out to be more of a magic trick with a balloon, water, and duct tape.
She stood at the screen door, the rain falling so hard that it looked like water boiling on the sidewalk. Thunder rolled across the sky.
An hour later, a stream of sunshine flooded the kitchen.
“Hey, guys, it’s raining with the sun out,” Amanda called to the kids. “I bet we can find a rainbow if we look.”
She heard their feet slapping the wooden floors as they ran toward the windows.
“It’s sunshining!” Jesse ran in circles in the house. “Beach!”
He belted it out with such enthusiasm that at first she wasn’t sure if he was hurt or happy. She raced to catch up to him, but his toothy grin was all she needed to see.
“I know.” She grabbed his hands and danced in a circle with him. “Finally. Hooray!”
“Can we go to the beach? Please?” Hailey ran down the hall. “The sun is back.”
“About time,” Amanda commiserated. “I think we’re overdue for a good beach day.”
“And shells!” Hailey threw her hands in the air.
Jesse ran toward his bedroom. “And fun!”
They changed into their swimwear and loaded up their beach gear. The dune was so much easier to walk over after the rain had packed it down. Amanda wondered how much it would cost to run her hose up the dune to water it down when it got so dry and deep that it was like tilling rather than walking. It was probably farther than it looked, but she’d spring for another hose if it would make a difference.
They made record time getting over the dune. It had helped that she’d figured out the bare minimum to bring and still be comfortable. She’d left her chair behind today, opting to sit right down on the sheet. One less thing to carry.
The turbulent waves churned from the storm, tossing white foam into the air. She wasn’t sure if it was the sunshine or the way the beach seemed to mute the waves when she was lying directly on the damp sand that lulled her body into relaxation.
A seagull swooped over. She heard its cries, like laughter, as it joined up with its colony near the water.
Hailey and Jesse danced in the sand, raising their hands toward the birds.
Amanda spotted Maeve walking down the beach toward them before the kids did.
Maeve waved and altered her path from the water to where Amanda was sitting. “Good to see you.”
“You too. I was beginning to think the sun was never coming back out.”
“Oh, July is like that sometimes.” She put her hand on top of her hat, shifting it back a smidge.
“Miss Maeve!” Hailey and J
esse raced across the beach, skidding to a stop near the sheet.
Maeve bent forward to get down to their level. “Well, hello there. How are you two today?”
“Better now that there’s no rain so we can come out and play.”
She raised a finger in the air. “But sometimes good things happen when you’re stuck inside.”
“We colored and read books.” Hailey folded her arms across her chest. “We took some naps, but the days were so long. It felt like forever.”
“Well, I made something for each of you.” She pulled her shell bag forward and dug into the front pocket. “One for you, and one for you.” She handed them each something.
Jesse held whatever it was in the palm of his hand, staring at it.
Hailey held hers by the fishing line tied to the top of it and let it dangle. “It’s Denali!”
“I’m glad you could tell.”
“It’s Denali made out of shells,” Hailey said. “See it, Jesse?”
Jesse swung his ornament in the air as he barked.
“I thought you could keep them by your bed at night. They can help bring you good thoughts and happy dreams.”
“I love it.” Hailey wrapped her arms around Maeve’s waist. “Thank you.”
“Me too.” Jesse pushed his hand forward, handing his gift to Amanda.
As she took the shell dog from him, she noticed the woman who’d been sitting across the way with her husband and toddler earlier. She was trying to wrangle the child, an umbrella, and a bag full of toys as the man walked over the hill ahead of them carrying only his cooler.
What a jerk. Amanda sat up on her knees. “Maeve, could you watch these two for a quick second? I want to give that gal a hand.”
Maeve seemed to register the situation. “Of course.”
Amanda ran over to the struggling woman. “Hey, let me help you with that. Boy, it takes a ton of stuff to keep the kids over here, doesn’t it?”
The woman gave her a blank stare at first, then let out a sigh. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”
Amanda helped her stack the things inside one another to make it easier to carry, and then the family toddled off. By the time they reached the top of the dune, the woman had caught her breath.
“Thank you. I’ve got it from here. That was really kind of you.”
“No problem. You’d have done the same for me. I’m sure of it.” She wished there was something reassuring she could say to her. “Have a great rest of the day.” But she doubted the woman was in for much of a treat when she got back. Why were some guys like that?
Amanda walked back over to her little spot, where Jesse was yammering to Maeve, who looked intent on pretending to comprehend what he was going on and on about.
“Thanks. Sorry. I just know how much of a hassle that can be by yourself.” She looked at her children’s sweet little faces. “I’ve been so blessed. These two are so easy.”
Yes, it’s been a season of unwanted change, but things could be worse.
Before she sat down, Amanda hung the ornaments from one of the spindles of the umbrella. “That was so thoughtful. These are adorable.”
Maeve bent down and sat on the sheet with Amanda. “It also kept me sane the past few days. I have to cut my walks shorter when it’s a downpour like that. It gave me something to do.”
“So you still walk on the beach in the rain?”
“Every day. No matter how hot or cold or wet. I love how the weather and time of day change the landscape of things, and the crazier the weather, the better the treasures. Of course, I have to plan around the weather if it’s lightning, but there’s always a little window of opportunity every day, if you’re flexible.”
“I don’t mean this to sound disrespectful, but I hope I have your energy when I’m your age.” Actually, I’d like to have it now!
“Ah, but I don’t have two babies to tend to. That seems like it would be exhausting. And no disrespect taken. I do love staying active. It’s part of what gives me purpose.”
“Purpose.” Amanda hung her head. She hadn’t been able to get the lie of omission from the other day out of her mind. What kind of friend would she ever be if they started this friendship on an untruth?
Amanda pushed her hair back over her shoulder. “Maeve, I owe you an apology. I wasn’t completely honest with you about something. I don’t even know why.”
“Oh, goodness. Well, I’m sure you had your reasons.”
“No, not good ones.” She rubbed her hands together. She’d tucked her wedding band in her jewelry box, thinking it would be easier if no one knew her situation. All part of the charade. “I…I moved here thinking I could leave something behind. That by being here where no one knew what I’d been through that it would be easier.”
Maeve didn’t say a word.
Amanda took a breath in trying to find the words. “It’s not easier. It’s different, but…” She pressed her lips together. “You’ve been so nice. The kids really like you, and I enjoy talking to you too. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you—” She swallowed hard. This was so much harder to explain than she’d thought it would be.
“Whoa. Slow down. Honey, you don’t owe me anything. You tell me whatever you need to as you feel you are ready. Some things are personal. You never have to apologize for that.”
“I wanted you, well not just you, but everyone…” She was babbling. For a moment, she closed her eyes and looked for strength. “I even told the real estate agent that I was in the middle of a divorce. I’m not.”
“Are you married?”
“Yes.” She glanced down at her empty ring finger. “No. Not anymore. Well, yes, forever. My husband passed away two years ago.” She looked at Hailey and Jesse playing in the sand. “We don’t talk about it much. I was so tired of being introduced as Amanda, followed by the stage-whispered ‘She’s widowed’ as if that were my last name. It tore at me over and over. I’m sorry I wasn’t up front with you about it, but I can’t stand people looking at me like I’m going to break down into tears.” Her own body defied her at times, like now. Her eyes tingled. “And yes, I might some days.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I should’ve been honest when Hailey mentioned Jack at the library, and I’m sorry.” Amanda reached for Maeve’s hand. “I want us to be friends.”
“We are.”
“I mean real friends. Like you call me and let me know if we can do something for you. Anytime. I mean it.”
“Thank you.”
“Like when I make a big pan of spaghetti but it’s too much for us, it’s okay because you can join us or I can drop some off to you. Like that.”
“I do love a good spaghetti. I’d like that very much.”
“Jack.” She suddenly wanted Maeve to know everything about him. “That’s my husband’s name. He was such a good father. A great husband and provider.”
“I’m sure you miss him very much.”
“I do. So much. People say it gets easier with time, but if that’s true, I haven’t gotten there yet. The first year was a blur. The second year was worse. Now…it’s…”
“You’re so young. I’m sorry that happened to you. To your family.”
They sat quietly for a moment.
“The pain.” Maeve shook her head. “Losing a spouse is losing half of yourself. Your better half in some cases even. The pain of that loss is inevitable. It’s going to happen to every couple at some point. One of you is going to lose the other.”
Amanda sniffled.
“Grief changes shape but doesn’t really ever go away, leaving a scar behind that affects everything we do. But, Amanda, the suffering is optional. Don’t let your grief turn into suffering. It’s a whisper-thin line there.”
“I’m not sure I understand. Aren’t they the same thing? Kind of action react
ion?”
“Not exactly.” Maeve’s words were so gentle that Amanda wished she would pull her into a hug. “Amanda, I would never compare what we’ve been through. You have children. You’re so young, and you have a wonderful, full life still to live ahead of you. I lost my husband a long time ago, but I was nowhere near as young as you.”
Amanda raised her eyes to meet Maeve’s gaze.
“I was so sad. Then mad. Mad at him. Then mad at God.” Maeve’s eyes glistened. “That kind of anger makes you react irrationally. It’s a release. A way to cope. Not that any of it makes sense at the time.”
“It doesn’t make it right, though.” Amanda felt the understanding in Maeve’s words. “I was so unkind to Jack’s dearest friend—well, our dearest friend before Jack passed. I took out my anger on him. I blamed him for Jack not coming home. They’d enlisted together, had a spoken oath that they’d protect each other. But he didn’t, and I hated him so much that day. For letting Jack down, then not being there for me.”
“Don’t beat yourself up. It’s the grief making you do things you’d never do. People understand.” Maeve’s words eased the pain, a little.
“No. I called him on the phone one night, shouting at him, making him promise he’d never contact me or the kids again. I threatened him. I made a momma bear look like a puppy that night.”
“We protect what we love. When that’s disturbed, everything topples.” Maeve sat quiet for a moment, then seemed to shift her focus on something off in the distance. “It’s survival, Amanda. I sat around in a blind stupor, wishing I’d die so I could be with my husband, Jarvis. But that didn’t happen. It took me a long time to live again. Friends tried to convince me to move forward, but honestly, just waking up each day and remembering to breathe in and out was almost more than I could bear. The more they told me to move on, the more I wanted to hold on to the past. Surviving is hard work.”
“Yes.” Amanda swallowed a sob. “Exactly. Jack was my everything. I loved him with every bit of my heart.”
“We don’t have to understand any of it, Amanda. We only have to keep living.” Maeve offered her an easy grin. “Don’t you hate it when people say stuff like that? Makes no sense. Death never does.”