I'm the Bad Guy: Bigger, Badder, and Uncut: A Supervillain LitRPG Adventure

by Simon Archer

  “Too much for now.” I quickly rebuked the question. “I’ll answer as soon as we’re out of the--”

  “STOP!”

  Don John Perignon had taken control of the situation back from the chaos with just one word. He was done with all the bullshit we’d thrown around. Like snapping out of a haze of madness, Maxxy’s crazy stare and loud diatribes about nothing had stopped as he collapsed to the floor. Along with them, the others in the Capone Crew had just fallen to the ground, stopping their fighting as they also fell unconscious from the aura he exuded from that one word.

  We were also falling for that same aura, my mind suddenly feeling completely hazy and cloudy. I couldn’t get any thoughts out of my head, not even a proper response of fear as to how fucked I was now that I was debilitated. I’d been draining my power now through my magic hands and my grappling hook for way too long, and my reaction speed was suffering because of it, along with my willpower to resist these kinds of status effects.

  Then, like a thousand boulders landing on my legs all at once in a lightning bolt, Don John crushed my lower body with his feet as he jumped all the way from where he was standing to where I was now in a surprise attack I was stupid enough to fall for. Now pinned against my will along with Kate, we were truly at the mercy of the Don and whatever cruel and sadistic punishment we had for all the damage we’d caused.

  “You aren’t worthy of this power, but you’ve made an embarrassment of my whole operation for far too long, Dantem.” The Don cracked his knuckles as he readjusted his grip on his gun. “I don’t know what you are, but it’s obvious that letting you live this long outside of my knowledge was the worst idea I’d ever made. You’re gonna die. Slowly, painfully, horribly. But before that, you’re going to tell me exactly what let you get this far. No hero has the tools you do, the powers you wield, and no one hero has ever caused me this much trouble. What’s your angle? How did you get such an edge on me and my boys?”

  “Oh, fuck, this is gonna hurt.”

  “Oh, you bet this is gonna hurt.” He lifted his club high into the air. “I’ll make every last second of it count.”

  “Not that.” I answered, looking behind him. “You’re gonna want to duck--”

  I didn’t know how to explain how I felt about what I just saw. Some might have thought that my reaction would be to jump for joy when a tank shell blasted the back of my enemy just before he tried to kill me as brutally as possible. It was a gruesome sight, ripping apart his back like it was just a scoop cutting through some puss-and-blood ice cream, but it was the definitive proof I wanted that the man was very dead.

  But, counterpoint, when just one tank shell blasts the back off of a giant of a man who’d survived a plane landing on him along with about a hundred explosions and various other deadly weapons and projectiles to his person, who’d only been brought down only to slightly less than half his total health in all of that time, and seeing the tank that fired the explosive behind him accompanied by several similar tanks, and knowing that all of those tanks and men in army outfits from the national militia were not friendly to my life, along with also knowing that I was most likely surrounded and one of my girls was unconscious several feet away from me, altogether had a way of souring the mood.

  17

  Here’s the thing about what had happened here: technically speaking, this was all still mostly according to plan. In a rather large nutshell, I wanted to use a bunch of robots as a proxy army to lure Perignon and his people out into a battle, draw that battle out until the national army arrived, and then let the national army simply wipe every combatant off the map. Naturally, they spawned from the nearest military base whenever there was an ‘international’ conflict or something big enough to threaten a whole city, and a villain player’s conquest of a city fit into that category. While they took their sweet-ass time getting anywhere, they were also stupendously powerful, more so than any other faction or guild. Their presence meant death. When they were going to kill everyone in the city, the only people representing my side of the conflict would be robots, and I’d have suffered zero casualties. Then, once the army despawned, I’d have just swept over the city with my people with no resistance, securing the city well before the army respawned from the military base and tried to come for me again.

  The flaw in the plan was very clear: anyone forced into the conflict was in danger of being annihilated by the national army when they came around. So, when the Capone Crew started destroying robots well before the arrival of the army, threatening to end the conflict early and despawn the army well before they did what they should, my people had to intervene and risk themselves in the process.

  Well, now the national army had wasted the Don himself, just like I’d planned since the city before this one, and the Capone Crew weren’t far behind. The only problem now being that I had to get myself and Kate out of here before we all died from the militia that just one-shotted the guy we’d been struggling with for god-knows-how-long. The first point of order was getting out from underneath this big guy before we got our asses handed to us on a silver platter.

  “Kate, can you walk?” I etched myself out from underneath the massive shin pinning me to the ground. “It’s understandable if you can’t, but I’d really appreciate it if you could try to muscle through any broken bones.”

  “Yeah, I think so.” She’d already burned a hole through the now-dead leg of the Don, no longer able to resist the effects on his dead body anymore. “This kind of fell apart at the end, didn’t it? I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry, be fast.” I grabbed her by the hand as I started to run, prompting her to do the same. “We’ll beat ourselves up about this after we live through it.”

  A static fuzz rushed through my ear, and I realized that my comms link with Yomura had been cut off. Seemed like the military was jamming all electronic communications between their enemies around here. That complicated things. I couldn’t ask for some kind of evacuation strategy or even a distraction to help clear a path out of here. We were on our own until we got out of the city, and could only hope that the robots lasted long enough against the army to let us leave. As a part of the invading force, if we remained in the city after the robots were destroyed, we were next, no matter what. We needed to leave.

  Just then, right when I was trying to navigate the wreckage of the city and all the chaos that was building up through the city from the army’s arrival, I had an update showing up in front of me, right at the worst time:

  You’ve defeated a villainous rival!

  +10 to all stats

  +10 menace

  +50% cash rewards from hostile takeover

  +5 auto levels to Influence, Iniquity, and Notoriety

  Ghoul Perk: All firearms and projectile weapons do 25% more damage for you and your minions. You and your minions also take 25% less damage from conventional firearms and law enforcement.

  I take it back; that last Ghoul Perk was helpful for both the present and the future. Not only did it affirm what I had hoped in dealing with other Ghoul executives and keeping them alive to get their good stuff, but I also had some extra padding between my flimsy self and the goddamn army forces I was about to deal with. Anything that would keep me alive just a bit longer was groovy.

  And, because it was such a monster of a fight with an opponent so much higher level than I was, I had the inevitable next update up for grabs just after the first:

  You’ve become a greater villain!

  Lvl 45 → Lvl 48

  Lvl 45 Secret King

  Lvl 46 Ghoulslayer

  Lvl 47 Mafia Mangler

  Lvl 48 Underground Emperor

  Anything helped. It wasn’t enough to fight against army guys still doubling my level, but it might have allowed me a few more seconds of life if I ever got into a scuffle with them.

  “Hold it right there, aggressor!” A soldier in full combat attire pointed a gun at me. “Cease and desist immediately!”

  Behind this soldier was a
dozen other, identical soldiers. Checking their levels, I saw big, big numbers, putting each of them at more than one hundred each. Goddamn. Behind them were tanks, each of them also leveled at one hundred, and making me squirm in my insides. Didn’t matter how much cushion killing the Don gave me if a high-powered tank shell hit me. We’d just have to make this shit work for us in some way, shape, or form.

  Putting my hands behind my back, I turned off my glowing fists and tried to bullshit my way out of an early grave in this game. The guys who put me in here were deliberately vague about whether or not I got extra lives when I kicked the bucket. Fingers crossed that I’d never had to find out at all.

  “How about you deal with those guys first, then us?” I pointed way off to the side as another distraction, my hands no longer glowing. “Get your priorities straight. We’re just civilians caught in the crossfire. Don’t you have robots and mobsters to deal with before you shoot at any innocent bystanders?”

  The pause that followed in the conversation, despite the explosions from the chaos surrounding us, was deafening as I waited for the soldier’s answer. Considering how much higher a level he was than me, there was no telling whether he’d have believed me or not. I had no stats to help me out, just my natural charisma. Considering how popular I had been in the real world, I wasn’t hopeful.

  “Oh, my god, I’m so sorry!” The soldier finally replied as I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. “We’ll get you to safety right away. Just follow me, and you’ll be safe.”

  Oh, thank god.

  “Nah, I think we’ll be fine as long as we just get out of the city.” I tried to bluff our way out of a military escort. “You guys do your job, and we’ll just--”

  “Sir, I insist.” He walked towards me with a guiding hand to put on my back. “This area is a warzone. You and your wife will be much safer with our help than trying to walk around by yourselves.”

  “Oh, well, I wouldn’t want to get in your way.” I didn’t have any good reasons why we should just go away on our own, and it showed. “What if they’re targeting civilians or something? There are a lot of scary things going on around here.”

  “Sir, let me assure you myself that you and your wife will be perfectly safe with us.” He looked me in the eye, shooting his conviction straight into my retinas in the most uncomfortable fashion. “I swear on my own life that they will not harm you so long as you’re with me.”

  “Um… thanks, man,” I answered, just wanting the conversation to be over by now. “You’re a real hero. I guess we’ll just follow you.”

  “It’ll be fine, hubby!” Kate, blushing like a schoolgirl, wrapped her arms around my own as she played along with the soldier’s assumption. “Don’t be such a worrywart. See, this is why you don’t try to meet the mayor on the same day as an alien invasion!”

  “Well, uh…” I was out of options. When in Rome… Still, I had some very stern complaints that I wanted to give to him, and he was going to hear them. And how was I supposed to know that aliens were going to invade on the same day as my meeting with the mayor?

  “I knew that gypsy woman was right, you know!” My flame-broiled underling wove a strange story of offhanded comments to sell our improvised personas. “She said today was a bad day for mayor meetings, and you didn’t believe her.” She turned to the soldier beside us. “He’s always distrusting of Mama Maruush’s visions, you know. Did you know that she predicted when I would find my true love? Not only that, but she was accurate to the day. I did everything she said, wore the clown suit, ate the raw onions, brushed my teeth with fish oil, and boom! There he was. Isn’t that right, hubby? Tell them what happened!”

  Pushing through the crowd of soldiers that could all kill me without a second thought, I tried to calm my nerves and look like I belonged. It didn’t help that we were being led into an assault vehicle, and I didn’t have a way of contacting my teams to help us out, or to warn them that we were currently inside something they’d probably try to shoot on sight.

  “Oh, um, yeah, Mama Maruush, that old coot, she’s so crazy.” I stalled for time to come up with the story Kate prompted from me as we sat down in the assault vehicle. “I was just minding my own business when I saw this clown standing in front of the…” Looking around at the rubble, I searched for some kind of landmark I could anchor my story to. All I could find was a broken sign for a bookstore, an old bronze statue of a man in colonial attire, and a set of coffee tables all cracked in half. “The Bookstore of… George Washington’s… Espresso… and Sauna. Great place. I visited during my lunch break every day, but that day was special.”

  “Yeah, I heard that place was pretty awesome.” The soldier commented as he sat down beside us. “Is it true that they have servers dressed up in period attire to bring you coffee?”

  “I never stayed in there long to see.” I tried to be as vague as possible. Never knew when someone was testing me or not. “I was a regular, and they had my order ready when I got there.”

  “Oh, it was just the most romantic thing!” Kate seemed to have no problems rolling with the punches. “He was getting his three creams, two sugar whipped double triple shot venti latte with a cinnamon twist, and I was just waiting for destiny that day, and destiny came! Never doubt Mama Maruush, let me tell you! And he was the sweetest thing when I saw him. But I was such a clutz, you know! When I tried to talk to him, I tripped, and all the goldfish in my suspenders spilled out!”

  “Why did you have goldfish in your suspenders?” One of the soldiers sitting across from us asked. “Where would you even fit them?”

  “Clowns have those hula hoop suspenders, so she had a big basin for them to swim in, and she had the foot holes wrapped with tight rubber so the water wouldn’t leak out.” I defended the fake story. “And when they spilled out onto the street, I just had to be a good samaritan and help out a bit. I mean, I didn’t know about this clown or her life, but I would hate for all of my… fish… to just spill out. That kind of thing could ruin your whole week.”

  “He’s such a charmer!” Kate faked a giggle as she hugged onto my arm tightly. “You know, there were a couple dozen or so of those slippery little suckers, and he helped me pick every last one of them up, and walked with me down three blocks until we found a public water fountain where we could refill my clown suspenders and keep them alive. He’s a real hero.”

  “Yeah, but why did you have fish inside your suspenders?” Another soldier asked again, trying to get a clear answer from our ridiculous tale. “Is it something the gypsy woman told you to do?”

  “No, I just had some extra fish lying around,” she answered. “And look where it got me; the next day we went on our first date, and three years later, I’m getting hitched with the most handsome man in New Carmanelo. They say fairytale endings don’t happen in life, but every time I look at this man in the morning, I beg to differ. Isn’t that right, honey?”

  “I’m just surprised you’ve put up with me for all these years,” I said, playing the fake goo-goo eyes at her. “Who would have thought that helping out a clown with fish in her pants in front of a cafe would lead me to be the luckiest man in the world?”

  “Aww, you two are sweet.” The first soldier had his clasped hands next to his face, taking in the ‘romantic atmosphere’ between Kate and me. “By the way, you said you were talking with the mayor about something. What was that about, anyway?”

  “Oh, that?” I paused for a moment, just hoping to be struck with some inspiration. “Well, with an alien invasion going on, it hardly seems important. Now I just feel dumb for thinking I needed to bother him with it, so maybe it’s better if I just forget about it altogether.”

  “Don’t be silly!” The soldier said. “I’m sure a chivalrous lad like you has a lot of ideas that the mayor would love to hear! Tell us!”

  “No, no, I shouldn’t.” I tried to avoid the conversation, finding no such inspiration amongst any of my thoughts, as I looked out the windows for any sort of opportunity to escape this
situation. “Let’s just drop it. It’s stupid and silly.”

  “Tell us! Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!” The soldiers quickly began to chant along, growing louder and louder with every subsequent soldier that joined in. “Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!”

  “Come now, hubby, I don’t think it’s silly.” Kate fed into the soldiers’ enthusiasm. “The mayor would have been a fool to turn you away, and this alien invasion is just fate’s way of trying to discourage you from what destiny has planned for you!”

  “Alright, alright!” I caved in to the peer pressure, still trying to find a way out of this situation while we still had time. “You all win! I’ll tell you!”

  The soldiers all cheered, fully invested in the answer I wasn’t prepared to give. This situation wasn’t getting any better, and every passing second only helped to screw us over as the cuddler robots barely held the line against the militia. As soon as they were downed, they’d probably catch on that we weren’t the innocent civilians we claimed to be, and we were going to get shot inside this combat truck. Games had a way of giving NPCs inexplicable knowledge like that. It got really annoying at times, especially at times when my life was actually on the line, and I couldn’t just reload a save from earlier.

  Fuck, even if there was an open window, we could have grappled our way out and tried to make a break for it. Or the lock on the door wasn’t engaged, or just about anything that could help us get out quickly and hideaway. I knew I should have just tried to run away from these guys when I had the chance. For now, I could only keep them all occupied while I hoped for yet another miracle to show up.

  “So, I’d been trying to get the mayor involved in this for weeks now, signing all the paperwork I needed to get a meeting set up with him.” I started my fake story, still cooking up an escape plan for us in the back of my mind. “You see, what I always felt that New Carmanelo needed was a quality youth center. You know, a place where young people could be safe and learn skills they’d need for a better life in the future.”