The Love Square

by Laura Jane Williams

  ‘Ethically?’

  ‘Yup. I totally respect anyone I get involved with, even if it’s just for one night. I always wear a condom, the other person knows my situation, and I expect to know theirs, too. Everyone has feelings, right?’

  Penny nodded.

  ‘So it’s not about mindless sex or whatever. I love connection. Connection is key.’ He made deliberate eye contact when he said that, and it made her stomach flip excitedly. His eyes were bright blue, like Frank Sinatra’s. ‘I just think it’s possible to have a connection to more than one person.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘Am I making sense?’

  ‘I think so. I’ve never really met anyone who … does it. Non-monogamy. I suppose I always thought it was just called cheating.’

  ‘That’s the ethical part.’

  Penny stood to catch her breath. ‘How much further?’

  ‘Okay, so at the end of this path there’s a very steep hill, and then another incredible view – more incredible than Haddon Hall – and then the Latkill Hotel.’

  ‘That I can do,’ Penny said. ‘There’s a pint of cider with my name on it.’

  ‘Oh, how kind of you to offer to get in the first round,’ Thomas winked, cheekily, jogging up ahead of her to show off his stamina.

  After walking along the road and across a small bridge over the river, Penny paused and pulled out her phone. She captured a picture of some ducks paddling upstream, and then said to Thomas, ‘Come here, let’s get a photo.’ She turned on the selfie camera and caught them, heads tilted towards each other, the Peak District framing them in the background.

  ‘Let me see it,’ he said, lingering close to her.

  Penny fiddled with her phone and pulled the picture up, aware of his lips close to her ear and the way he put his arm around her to take the phone, holding her in a sort of hug from behind and looking over her shoulder.

  ‘I think we look very good together,’ he said, his voice low.

  ‘We do, don’t we?’ Penny agreed, speaking just as softly. She could feel his breath on her neck, the heat of his skin.

  ‘How do you feel about what I’ve told you today?’ Thomas asked, not shifting. It was a power move: he was holding her in place so she couldn’t dodge the question.

  She thought about it. ‘I don’t … feel anything about it. I always knew you’d be here, and then you wouldn’t.’

  ‘Uh-huh,’ he said.

  ‘I appreciate the information.’

  ‘My pleasure.’ He was still close. The phone screen faded to black and automatically locked itself. They lingered. Penny knew if she looked to her right his mouth would be level with hers and that they would kiss.

  It took her half a second to decide.

  She looked to her right.

  Her mouth was level with his.

  They kissed.

  ‘Do you have any idea how gorgeous you are?’ he said to her, as they pulled apart. ‘I wanted this even before I met you. Do you think that’s possible? Your food, it made me feel things.’

  ‘I think a table leg could make you feel things.’

  ‘Hey!’ said Thomas. ‘Come on.’

  Penny took a step back. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘That came out wrong. I should have just said thank you. I’m trying to be more gracious. I can be … prickly.’

  ‘I’d noticed.’

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Can I kiss you again?’

  ‘Yes, please.’

  Penny followed him up the road and over two more gates, culminating in the steepest part of their walk so far. She didn’t complain out loud, but she was very tired, now, and ready for a rest. It was almost too much. They must have done almost six miles.

  ‘Okay, make it as far as that post there, and then look out over the valley,’ Thomas instructed.

  Penny plodded on. ‘Gotcha,’ she said, breathlessly.

  Penny put one foot in front of the other through the sheep-poo-dotted field. She thought about Francesco – Thomas was the first man she’d kissed since him. She didn’t need it to be ‘everything’ – if she thought about it, she was just glad to be moving on. She wasn’t holding her breath for Francesco to text her back, but she was half-aware that it had been twenty-four hours and he hadn’t. But, Thomas was here, and he felt exciting, and needed. She deserved a little light-heartedness, a little romance. Thomas was amusing, and carefree, and she enjoyed spending time with him. She’d heard the phrase ‘monoga-normative’ before, about how it was wrong to assume the right way to be in love was with just one person. She hoped she wasn’t being monoga-normative about Thomas and his choices. Anyway, he went back out on the road at the beginning of December, which was only two more weeks. For two more weeks he could continue to make her laugh, and show her the area, and that was enjoyable for both of them. As long as they were both having a good time, who cared?

  ‘Now look,’ Thomas instructed, and Penny stood alongside him and looked out to where he was pointing.

  ‘Holy shit,’ she said, genuinely marvelling at the sprawling valley below them. To one side the river wound over several small drops, covered by trees in every colour of copper and gold and bronze either side. Further down was hill after hill and tree after tree, stretching as far as she could see until the earth hit the sky. ‘This is remarkable. I’ve never seen anything like this,’ she said in awe.

  ‘Feel reset?’ Thomas said.

  She smiled up at him. ‘I get it now,’ she said. She pulled out her phone again to snap a photo. She sent it to the family WhatsApp with the note I can give your views a run for their money! and then sent it to Sharon, too, with the message, I may have just snogged a guy I went to school with, with this as the backdrop …

  ‘And that white building there,’ Thomas said, pointing towards the village up ahead. ‘That’s where the chips are.’

  ‘Chips!’ Penny exclaimed, high on endorphins and the view and the promise of proper fuel. She threw her arms up as she said it and, as she brought them back down, she aimed them for Thomas’s shoulders. ‘But before that,’ she said, melting into him again. ‘Another incentive, please, if you don’t mind …’

  13

  ‘I did it. I texted Francesco.’

  Charlie issued a whistle. ‘He’s got his name back,’ they observed, as they closed down the bar for the night.

  ‘And I snogged Thomas yesterday.’ Penny acted shy about saying it, but she didn’t truly feel it. It had been a nice day with him, and she felt more like her old self today than she had done in ages.

  ‘Shocker,’ replied Charlie.

  ‘What?!’ said Penny. ‘How can you think you knew that was going to happen when I didn’t even know it was going to happen?’

  Charlie pulled a face. ‘You knew it was going to happen,’ they said.

  Penny pretended to think about it, her eyes moving shiftily to one side. ‘Yeah,’ she admitted. ‘I did.’

  They grinned at each other. ‘You’ll see him again?’

  She nodded. ‘I will,’ Penny replied. ‘He’s good company. Good chat. And it gets me out and about, doesn’t it?’

  ‘I suspect the next out and about you have will actually be more in and out, if you get what I mean …’

  ‘Gross!’ said Penny, laughing in spite of herself. ‘Why would you say that!’

  Charlie laughed too. ‘I’m not wrong though, am I?’

  Penny didn’t answer. ‘I guess I’m ready to move on,’ she settled on, knowing she really was ready to talk to Francesco, too. Her phone buzzed.

  Update at my end, a text from Sharon said: My love life is very boring because: married, so I miss hearing about yours! Tell me everything about this man you used to go to school with …! Xxx

  ‘By the by, I meant to say: Priyesh came by again today. The wine merchant. He said it was to confirm that he is coming to the party, but he seemed quite annoyed you weren’t here.’

  ‘I suppose that’s what we get for inviting him,’ Penny groaned.


  ‘What exactly happened that day in the summer? It’s like he can’t wait to see you again. Did you flirt with him? Because he might even fancy you.’

  Penny guffawed. ‘Impossible,’ she said. ‘He didn’t ask me a single question, and I remember because I complained to Clementine about it on a voice note right after. He basically performed a one-man play for me and then I came inside. I think he just likes to feel important, is all.’

  ‘Hmmm,’ replied Charlie. ‘I just have a feeling, though.’

  ‘A feeling? That’s very helpful, thank you.’

  ‘Welcome.’

  ‘Okay,’ Penny continued. ‘I’m going upstairs to reconcile the accounts from the comfort of my sofa. You’re okay to lock up?’

  ‘You betcha,’ responded Charlie. ‘And Penny?’

  Penny spun to look at her friend.

  ‘I’m glad you’re feeling perkier. It’s really nice to see.’

  Penny!!!!! came his reply, popping up in the corner of her computer screen after she’d linked her MacBook to her iPhone apps. Penny looked at the clock. Seven minutes past eleven. Francesco would be getting out of service around about now.

  Nothing else came, so Penny took the hint that it was her turn to say something. I just wanted to say hi, she typed back. Stuart said you’d been in Bridges.

  Yeah, Francesco replied. I’ve been thinking about you is all. I didn’t know why you’d disappeared …

  I’ve been thinking about you too, Penny said. She yawned. I’m going to bed now, she added, but talk soon, maybe?

  For sure, said Francesco. I’ll call you?

  Yeah, said Penny. If you do, I’ll pick up.

  I’m really pleased you’ve made contact.

  Yeah. Can we just … not even talk about why? I just wanna move forward. I don’t want to rehash everything.

  Moving forward sounds like a great plan, he typed back. I think I know why, anyway. It’s okay. I’m glad you’re back.

  Okay … she typed back. Well. Talk properly soon. Night xxx

  Yeah! And sleep tight. I’m really pumped to hear from you Penny x

  She closed her laptop and lay on the sofa, staring at the wall. He was going to call her. She was excited about that. And he’d seemed cool and breezy, happy to agree to simply move forward. That probably meant he thought he was off the hook, Penny reasoned, but exactly like Charlie had said, that didn’t matter. Penny didn’t need some big long conversation about what had happened, with a big grovelling apology that threatened to make her cry, she just wanted his dumb jokes back in her life. She tried not to read too much into his response. I think I know why, he’d said. That was almost an apology without anyone having to actually raise their issues. Close enough. Anyway. It didn’t matter now. Penny forgave him, because to do anything else just felt too heavy.

  14

  After not speaking for six months, getting a daily phone call from Francesco Cipolla was like being able to breathe again. She really had missed him. She didn’t care about the other woman, about the kissing – she’d left him by moving, and she didn’t need him to be in love with her. She just needed her friend back. What was it he’d said, really early on in their relationship? Something about falling in friendship together. Well. It had happened, and quickly, and since that first text the other night their phone calls had resumed daily, both as they prepped for lunch service, just like they’d begun doing after they’d met.

  ‘What’s on the menu today?’ he asked, and she could hear his knife hitting the chopping board with speed on the other end of the line. She loved that. It was like they were cooking together.

  ‘Nice bit of chicken liver,’ Penny said. ‘Burgers that I’m going to dare serve medium rare, for all my sins. What are you making?’

  ‘Pistachio tart,’ Francesco said. ‘With fresh mango sorbet.’

  ‘Oh god,’ Penny said. ‘I’d kill for that. Send some up here will you? We’re in sticky toffee pudding purgatory.’

  ‘Nothing wrong with a bit of S-T-P,’ Francesco said. ‘It’s a British staple!’

  ‘Oh I know,’ sighed Penny. ‘I just wish we could push the boundaries a bit. Put some twists on the classics, maybe, or run a series of specials to see what people respond to before deciding what to add to the menu properly. Paul is great, but … not exactly passionate, you know? He does what he does well enough, but it’s what he’s always done.’

  Penny looked up to make sure Paul wasn’t in yet. He wasn’t. Of course he wasn’t. Paul never came before he had to – that was part of his personal brand, exerting the minimum amount of effort for the closest to passable result as possible. If it wasn’t her kitchen he was in, Penny would be impressed. Why work harder than you had to? And yet, she wished Paul could even muster a 50 per cent. Half. Half effort wasn’t too much to ask, was it?

  ‘Hey, did you read that article I sent you?’ Penny asked.

  ‘About the miniature support horse on the flight from Chicago? Yes ma’am I did. He was cute. Nice outfit.’

  ‘I wonder how big his poop is though. Can’t feel very thrilling to be the one picking up after him, can it?’

  ‘No,’ reflected Francesco. ‘I suppose not. Do support animals come with support staff for that kind of stuff?’

  ‘We should investigate that before we get you your support gorilla.’

  ‘I don’t think you have to pick up after gorillas though.’

  Penny laughed. ‘Mate, if your support gorilla relieves itself on the flight from Heathrow to my imaginary holiday home on the isle of Mustique, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to deal with that.’

  Francesco conceded. ‘Okay. On the occasion of us flying to your imaginary holiday home on Mustique I hereby declare I will pick up after my imaginary support gorilla.’

  ‘Excellent,’ said Penny. ‘Thank you for being so understanding.’ Penny could hear something happening in Francesco’s kitchen – shouting, with some quite liberal swearing.

  ‘I’ve gotta go,’ he said, suddenly, in a hushed voice. ‘But have a great day, Penny.’

  It was easier to enjoy a shift after she’d spoken with him. It really would be a great day now.

  ‘You too,’ she replied, smiling.

  Penny decided to come right out and say it.

  ‘Francesco, are you dating anyone right now?’

  She asked it because she wanted to tell him about Thomas, because not telling him was like a lie by omission, and if they were friends there was no need to lie to him, deliberately or not. Also, Sharon had called her once Penny revealed they were back in contact and made her swear she’d actually only be his friend, because, ‘He’s a prick, Penny! When somebody shows you who they are, believe them!’ Sharon insisted Penny know up front who he was seeing and how long it had been happening for. Information was power, she declared.

  At the other end of the line Francesco’s voice faltered.

  ‘Why are you asking me that?’ he said, with trepidation.

  It was almost midnight, and they were both lying in bed; Penny in her flat above the pub in Havingley, and Francesco in his flat in London.

  ‘Because we’re friends, and friends know who each other is sleeping with.’

  ‘I see,’ Francesco said. ‘Are you sleeping with somebody?’

  Penny couldn’t get a read on his tone of voice.

  ‘Perhaps.’

  ‘Perhaps …’

  ‘Perhaps!’

  ‘I see. Well, thank you for your honesty.’

  ‘Not telling you felt like a secret, and I don’t want us to have secrets.’

  Francesco didn’t say anything.

  ‘Well?’ Penny said. ‘Are you?’

  He took a breath. ‘I hang out with one of the waitresses here, sometimes. It’s been on and off for a while now.’

  Penny nodded, and then realized he couldn’t see her nodding. She couldn’t help herself from asking, ‘Does she have curly hair?’

  Francesco snorted, taken aback by the strangeness of the
question. ‘Um, it’s normally tied back in a ponytail,’ he said. ‘But it’s pretty straight. It gets a sort of kink in it if it’s been off her face, I guess.’

  Penny felt sick that she’d even asked. ‘Okay, well,’ she said. ‘What a great bedtime story.’

  ‘You sound mad. I thought you wanted to know?’

  ‘No, I did! I asked! That’s cool! I’m pleased that you’re … happy. Or whatever.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Francesco replied. ‘I’m pleased that you’re happy – or whatever – too.’

  ‘Night then.’

  ‘Night.’

  Penny was furious at herself for having asked, and furious at herself for being upset by the answer. But, at least it made things clear in her mind: she definitely wouldn’t go back there with him. In a way, it was a relief to have that clarified with herself. He’d moved on, exactly as she was doing. Her phone lit up.

  Last night was amazing, it said.

  Penny’s stomach did a tiny somersault at the memory of it. I think so too, she replied. I’m really enjoying spending time with you, Thomas.

  She could see the three dots on screen that meant he was typing a response. After a moment, another message came through.

  Me too, Penny. You’ve certainly added some exhilaration to Havingley!

  Ha, she said. I feel exactly the same.

  ‘Well, you know they say you can fall in love with thirty questions,’ Penny remarked.

  She was with Thomas in the pub, after service. They’d seen each other every night for the whole week since their first date in the Peaks. He’d taken her for drives, on two more early morning walks, and shown her the cinema room at his house, which was beautiful. Their dynamic was light. Pure. Honest. Penny had made a friend who distracted her from being too work work work, and she also happened to like kissing him. The sex wasn’t half bad either. Since she’d established that she and Francesco were squarely in the friend zone, it felt very sincere to savour Thomas’s company. He might have terrible dress sense, but he was also curious and authentic and his boyish enthusiasm for, well, everything, was infectious.

  ‘Thirty questions?’