by S. Valentine
Who could be that evil to push an innocent woman down the stairs in a public nightclub? The sight of her dead just like that must have devastated Elias. What happened to her murderer? Did he move to London to escape his painful past?
Elias appears in the doorway, not daring to meet my questioning stare. “I’m going to go,” his voice is barely a whisper.
I stand. “Please don’t.”
Now he brings his face up and looks me straight in the eye. “Why?”
“Because I don’t want you to.”
“You said it was over, that I’m not the man you thought I was.”
I silently berate myself for having been an idiot. “I pre-judged you and I’m sorry. I can see now why you lashed out.” Because he was scared something bad would happen to me. Because he was scared of history repeating itself. “Please stay.”
He’s chews his bottom lip, contemplating my offer. Eventually he sits on the bed and I join him and take his hand.
“What happened to the man who did it?” I have to know. I need to know he was punished.
His jaw tightens and he clenches his fists, the fury returning. “He was sent to prison for manslaughter. They couldn’t prove he’d done it deliberately.”
I blow out air, disgusted.
“Even though I beat him hard at the time, some days I still want revenge. The fact he’s alive and she isn’t makes me sick.”
“I’m sure he’ll get his karma,” I say gently unsure of what else could ease his pain a little. “Are you tired? Shall we sleep?”
He says nothing but nods.
He peels off his clothes so he’s in only his boxers and scrambles under the covers. Even though we’ve slept together, I head to the bathroom and change into a nightdress. That night I ignore the passion thrumming through my veins, the need to kiss and to touch him taking a backseat so I can comfort him. When I turn off the lamp it’s pitch black, the only sound our breathing. I stroke his hair gently, and snuggle closer and he hooks his arms around my waist. This big, strong man has opened up to me about his past, and allowed me to see his weak side. It took guts for him to be completely honest. Guilt weighs heavy on my chest because I’m not honest with him. Everything Elias knows about me so far is a lie. Do I still want to tell him my secrets? He may not want me afterwards though. Being with me comes with more stress, danger, heartbreak, and maybe even loss. There’s every chance he could lose me, and how can I be so cruel as to put him through that a second time?
Chapter Thirty-Two
ELIAS
I wake up in a cold sweat, shaking and hyperventilating. Gripping the covers I blink, trying to recognise my surroundings, but it’s dark. I grip the covers, knowing this bed isn’t mine. There’s a soft floral scent to it, whereas my sheets reek of aftershave. A body stirs beside me and a hand rests on my chest. A soft, comforting hand. My muscles relax when I remember I’m with Amara. Then I tense up again remembering last night’s conversation. I told her everything. Everything. How she still wants to be with me is mind boggling. Isn’t she afraid for her safety? What if I can’t keep her safe? I selfishly want to try a relationship with her, but the selfless part of me wants to let get her go, where she’ll be away from danger.
“Elias...” she murmurs and edges closer to me, resting her head on my bare chest. “Everything will be okay.”
Her words should reassure me, but they don’t. I lie there in complete darkness for what seems like an eternity. When Amara is sound asleep, softly snoring, I take my mobile from the bedside table. Amara stirs and rolls onto her side and I’m thankful she doesn’t wake.
I scan through the photo albums on my mobile, and click on the one I’ve never been able to delete. The one which has all my memories with Kaley. I swipe through endless images of us smiling, happy, in love. They took her away from me. I want to kill them all so bad. Maybe Amara is right though and they’ll all get their karma. Can I keep being a prisoner of my past, never moving on, or loving, or being loved again, due to the obsession for revenge? I have to let it go, but I don’t know how. The guilt which consumes me never fades.
I scan through the text messages between Kaley and I. Even though I’ve read over them a million times and it does no good, I’m glutton for punishment for I study the words again. The night of her death I’d demanded she stay at home for a few more months until things died down with my enemies, that I had a strange feeling they’d come after me at some point. She’d told me I was being paranoid and how she wasn’t going to let her friends down, that she hadn’t had a night out in forever. I’d argued and argued, and still, she came to the club.
She was always so independent, so fearless, never one to do what she was told. I’d loved that about her at first, found her a challenge, strong minded, and a bit of a rebel. In the end those traits were her downfall.
I click onto the recent text from Sarah and Derek, ‘Hope you’re okay x.’ I avoided Kaley’s parents like the plague after her death. I avoided everyone. A few weeks after the funeral I moved to London. I haven’t been able to speak to them since. I’m scared of what they’ll say. They blame me for everything. I blame me.
My mom thinks I should see a therapist, but I don’t think dredging up the past will do any good.
How I wish I could go back to Brighton and visit Kaley. Well, her grave, like I used to every single morning without fail. I need to face up to a lot of things in my life and try to fix them somehow. What if I can’t though? I’ll just be causing myself and everyone else more heartbreak all over again.
With a sigh, I put my mobile away and roll onto my side, moving closer to Amara. I drape my arm over her waist and bury my head in her hair. I breathe in the coconut scent of her shampoo and close my eyes. It helps not being alone in an empty bed for once. She brings a little bit of peace in a world of gloom. I’m grateful for a tiny bit of optimism and happiness. I just wish it could last.
***
It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m not in the right state of mind to work, but I have no choice. Thomas wants a wild night out and no way do I want him hiring another bodyguard. Not when he could prefer them to me. I’m not taking any chances.
I quickly glance at my reflection in the club’s mirrored walls, of which the coloured spotlights are reflecting off. I look presentable and quite good considering I’m a mess on the inside. Talking about Kaley recently has been like picking at an old wound which won’t stop bleeding.
Pushing the thoughts out of my mind, I concentrate on Thomas. He’s grinding up some bimbo, dirty dancing to house tracks as usual. I watch everyone else in the VIP corner we’re in, ensuring they’re all behaving, and Thomas and his belongings remain untouched. Only when someone squeezes my shoulder do I spin around fast, startled, but ready to react.
“It’s just me.” Lori smiles sheepishly and sips her cocktail through a straw.
“Hi.”
“How are you?”
I rub at the stubble on my jaw, miffed at the small talk. “Good. You?”
“I’m great.” She nods enthusiastically and then leans in to me. “I know you’ve got a thing going on with Amara.” She double checks no-one is listening. “Look after her, please.”
“Are you threatening me?” I tease.
“Would I ever do such a thing?” Her words sound coy, but her expression is serious. It’s as if she is actually warning me that should something bad happen to Amara she’ll make sure I pay for it.
I stare at her retreating back and wonder how much Amara told her. I’m suprised she mentioned anything at all. If Lori slips up to Kyle and Thomas finds out it’s game over. I don’t know how Thomas would react, and Amara already fears him for other reasons.
Removing my mobile from my pocket I type a quick text to Amara asking why she told Lori about us. She responds almost immediately stating the nosey neighbour had asked Lori who I was, leaving her place in the early hours of the morning. I ask if we can trust her to keep quiet.
‘As long as she’s not drunk,�
� comes her response. I pocket my mobile and scan the crowd for Lori. She’s downing shots and laughing with Thomas. This is not good. I thought she hated Thomas. She must be tipsy if she’s getting along with him. I make a beeline for Lori. There’s a selection of drinks on the table, and when she’s not watching I pour tonic water into a glass and offer it her. If she drinks it, it’ll hopefully sober her up a little.
“Want some?” I offer.
“What is it?” Her words are slurry.
“Vodka tonic,” I lie.
She shrugs. “Sure. Why not?” Taking the glass from me she downs the whole lot in one go.
“Want another?”
“Are you trying to get me drunk?” She beams.
“Just making sure you have a good time.” When she’s not looking I pour another glass full to the brim and she finishes it.
For the duration of the night I make sure Lori is drinking equal amounts of water to alcohol. Luckily almost everyone else is drunk and no-one notices. Amara needs to tell Lori to keep her distance from Thomas. The last thing we need is them becoming friends.
“How’s Amara?” Thomas asks me later that night.
Is he testing me? I stare at him blankly. I’m praying Lori hasn’t already slipped up.
“How was Amara...the day we went for dinner?”
“What do you mean?” I play stupid.
“You think...you think she still loves me?” He hiccups.
“The only person who can tell you that is Amara.”
Thomas pats me on the back. “You’re a good man, Elias.” He hands me a hundred pound note as a tip and I hate taking it. Refusing it though would only draw suspicions. When he returns to partying I’m again reminded I’m not a good man. Not at all. Trouble and drama really do have a way of finding me, another reason I preferred being single.
Chapter Thirty-Three
AMARA
I push my plate aside and sit back in my seat, full and satisfied with my meal. Elias finishes his burger, of which he had three, complete with fries and onion rings. I’ve never known anyone have such a huge appetite. He reaches over and takes my hand making me grin. We’re in Bubba Gump Shrimp Co near Piccadilly Circus. The restaurant is a tribute to Forrest Gump, and it’s decorated with pictures and memorabilia from the film. It’s been created to have that Alabama setting feel, with red and blue leather seats, booths, and tables. It’s a cool place, somewhere neither of us have been to before.
We’ve done a lot of firsts the last week. Luckily the places we visited Thomas would have no interest in. We’ve ate at Hard Rock Cafe, a quirky Lebanese restaurant, checked out M&M World, and explored the popular London sights being The Shard, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, all things I’ve wanted to do ever since I arrived in London. Elias made it all possible.
I’d decided to dress casual, sporting a cap, in the hope I wouldn’t be found and recognised by anyone. I know Elias would do anything to protect me, his past having made him extra cautious. He seems a bit more relaxed having gotten everything off his chest. He’s grinned more than ever recently, but there are still times I catch him staring into the distance, something heavy on his mind. I believe he feels guilty for enjoying himself sometimes and I wish I could take his worries away.
“How has work been lately?” I ask. He’s opened up so much and even talks more, although his sometimes one word answers still make an appearance.
“Same old. You know how Thomas can get. Multiply him by ten and that’s Maverick.”
I give him a sympathetic smile. It can’t be easy working with demanding clients. “What shall we do now?” I cradle my drink and hope he wants to extend our date. I’m not ready to leave him yet.
“I was hoping to see my parents.”
I deflate, but remain nonchalant.
“Come with me,” he says it as a command rather than a question and my confidence soars. He wants me to properly meet his parents. This is a huge step. He must consider me an important part of his life.
“That would be lovely.”
Out in the street he grabs my hand and holds onto me tightly. We pass a Police Officer and I try my hardest not to catch his eye. Then he calls me back.
“Excuse me, Miss...”
Trepidation fills every ounce of my being and I fight to keep calm. I’m hoping Elias hasn’t noticed the clamminess of my hand. Slowly turning around I arrange my features into pleasant curiosity. Tell me he doesn’t know who I am, that he won’t take me away. What would Elias think?
“You’ve dropped your keys.” He hands the bunch to me and I’m careful not to display my relief.
“Thank you.”
“You’re trembling. You’re not a wanted woman, are you?” Elias plays with me.
“If I was, I certainly wouldn’t tell you,” I tease back, avoiding downright lying to him.
We spend the rest of the evening at his parents’ house. It’s the best time I’ve had in forever. His mom fusses over me, making me endless cups of tea, and offering me food. And his dad shows me his model car collection. Never have I felt so accepted before. They’ve welcomed me with open arms and seem genuinely pleased me and Elias are together. Our relationship has taken a 360 degree turn from casual to serious and having this security pleases me.
When I’m alone in the kitchen with his mom she gets deep and personal. I’m unsure if I’m unsettled by this, or glad she trusts me to be honest.
“I worry about Elias sometimes. I just want him to be happy.”
I nod but don’t interrupt.
“He hasn’t introduced a woman to me since Kaley, so he must really like you.” She takes a cloth and begins to wipe down the counter tops. “I’m going to have to give you the protective mom talk.” She laughs. “Don’t hurt my son.”
I sink my hands into the pockets of my trousers. “I won’t,” I respond, praying she believes me. I don’t have any intention of hurting Elias. I have no control of the outcome, or what our destiny will be. It’s out of my hands and I wish it wasn’t. If I could have a normal life, be able to plan for the future, and not live in fear, I could guarantee a happy ending. But that’s not the case.
***
“Seatbelt,” Elias tells me later in the car.
I refrain from rolling my eyes. I hook the belt around me and smile at him hugely, seeking his approval.
“Don’t be smart with me, Amara,” he chides.
“Now where would the fun be if I was anything but?”
“There’s lots of ways we can have fun.” He grabs my knee and squeezes it.
I stare at his gorgeous face and I’m vulnerable and frightened, but I have to come clean. “I love you.” It’s the truth. I can’t help it.
He blinks, clearly taken aback. Terror flashes in his eyes and I think I’ve scared him off until he chuckles uncomfortably, fidgeting in his seat.
“You love me?” he asks as if he hasn’t heard me right. He seems insecure right now, like it’s hard to believe someone could love him.
“Yes.” I shrug. “I felt something for you the moment we met,” I admit.
He shakes his head in amusement. “You’re something else,” he tells me.
He starts the engine and veers forward, and rejection stabs at me. Did I confess my feelings for him too soon? I’m an idiot. Perhaps he’s so damaged he’s unable to love again. My throat tightens and I’m engulfed by a wave of self pity.
I focus on the passing townhouses and tuck my hair behind my ear. At least he didn’t say it just because I did. I’d never want him to tell me something untrue.
Now Lori knows all about us, I invite him in when we’re back. I half expect him to turn me down like he brushed off my ‘I Love You,’ comment. Lori, all glammed up, is just leaving.
“Hi, lovebirds.” She hooks her handbag over her shoulder. “Amara, I’m going for drinks with Kyle. I’ll probably stay at his tonight.” She pecks me on the cheek.
“You haven’t told him anything, have you?”
She tuts. “No. What
do you take me for?”
I smile and start up the stairs. “Have a good night.”
“Same for you both.” She winks and leaves.
I tell Elias to make himself comfortable in the bedroom, get a movie ready, or something, while I go shower.
“Make yourself a cup of tea or whatever. Make yourself at home.”
In the bathroom I undress and scrutinise my naked form in the mirror. Is Elias not into me anymore? Insecurity bubbles away at me. My body is still slim and taut in all the right places. My hair is thick and lustrous. On the outside I’m happy with myself. On the inside however, I’m not a good person. My personality...perhaps Elias can see right through me. I twist and take in the scar lashes on my back. At the time I didn’t think I deserved them, but maybe I did.
I rub my forehead, a migraine forming. How can there be days when I’m sure I did the right thing, when I believe I did what I had to for survival, and then other days I hate myself, and doubt my actions, that I was selfish and evil?
In no mood to overanalyse everything I turn on the warm shower and step into the cubicle. I can hear Elias laughing at something on the TV most likely. I know the real him now, all his dark secrets. I love him despite hearing how violent he’s been in the past to protect himself and others. I love him despite his controlling and sometimes possessive ways. I love him even though I could be in danger by being with him. Could he ever love me, if he knew my whole truth? I want to tell him, and part of me wants him never ever to find out. I need time. I need to weigh up the pros and cons.
I’m slathering soap on my body when I hear the cubicle door creak open. Startled, I look over my shoulder to see Elias, naked, gorgeous, and aroused. Before I can question him, he steps into the cubicle, grabs my wrists around my back and pushes me against the wet tiles. I’m stunned for a second, unsure what he’s doing until he captures my mouth into a hard, hungry kiss, his tongue swirling around mine, fast and desperate.