by D K Sutton
I loved Chase. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go on without him. Not that I’d ever do anything drastic; I just wasn’t used to the pain. It was like flexing a new muscle. I’d never really felt it before. It was like I’d lost a part of myself. How do people do this all the time? I didn’t ever want to feel like this again. And yet, without Chase, this would be my life. Even if Chase forgave me, there was always the possibility of this happening again. I just wanted to lock myself in my room and never come out. But that wasn’t me. I liked being around people. I craved the excitement. The attention. The interesting conversations. I loved crowds. I fed off the energy. But I didn’t feel like hanging out with anyone who wasn’t Chase.
Did Chase have anyone to talk to? Or would he just sit alone in his room. Was he able to shut off his emotions? Maybe I never meant that much to him. It was something he tried and didn’t work. But Chase had been devastated when he broke up with Cameron, and it had been his decision. It took him two years before he could trust anyone again. My heart hurt all over again at the thought. I did this to him. I was the one to blame. I had no right to yell at Chase. If there was anything I could do to fix it, I would. Talking to Chase any more would be a waste of time. I needed to give him some space. One thing I knew for sure. I wasn’t giving up on Chase.
The next day I didn’t feel much better. My head pounded mostly because I couldn’t sleep and when I did, I had dreams of Chase telling me to go away, and that he never wanted to see me again. My heart raced and my head pounded. I took a deep breath. It was only a dream and all things were possible again.
I didn’t want to do anything to upset the delicate balance we had. Chase didn’t hate me. At least I didn’t think so. I didn’t want to push him over that edge. Somehow, I had to make this right. The presentation was this afternoon. This might be my chance.
“Are you ready?” Dylan asked as we sat in the breakroom for lunch. Amica joined them. Mostly because Chase had decided never to eat lunch again. At least, not in the breakroom.
“I think we’re ready.” Amica smiled, but I could tell it was halfhearted. She didn’t feel very cheerful. None of them did.
“What about Chase?” I asked. “Is he ready?”
She shrugged. “I’m sure his part is done, because this is Chase. But is he ready to do a presentation, especially one that you’re involved in? I’m not sure about that.”
“Harsh.” Dylan shook his head.
“I’m calling it, like I see it.”
“I’m sure you’re right,” I said. “I know Chase will be prepared. And my being there will make everything harder for him.”
“You could go home sick.” We both stared at Dylan. “What?” he said. “I’m just saying, you could.”
“This is going to sound terrible.” I drummed my fingers on the table, trying to figure out how to say it. “This will be uncomfortable for Chase, but I’m not sure I care.”
Amica and Dylan exchange looks. “Right,” Dylan said. “You don’t care.”
“This is one of the only chances I have of getting close to him again. To show him how important he is to me. I’m not throwing it away because it makes him uncomfortable.”
“I’d love to be in that room,” Dylan said. “Heck and heck yeah.”
“That’s really not a thing people say.”
“It’s totally not,” Amica agreed.
“I think it’s catching on.” Dylan shook his head. “You guys will all be in there, and I have to wait until later to hear about it. Amica, I’m depending on you to give the intel. Who knows what shape Max will be in. If it goes wrong, he’s not going to want to talk about it.”
“Thanks for the confidence builder.”
“Do you have a plan?”
“I’m more of a doer than a planner, to be honest,” I said.
“Yeah. Look how that turned out for you.”
The presentation started off well enough. Chase and I were presenting the mentoring program, and Amica and Jon were presenting on how to keep it going and who should be included.
Chase and I went first. We split up the PowerPoint presentation with me going first and then Chase adding his part. I hoped we could prevent any awkward problems since it was divided up. Still, the way Chase avoided eye contact with me and shied away from me any time I got close was apparent. I didn’t want our bosses to notice. But when Sean’s eyes narrowed the second time Chase walked around me like I had an infectious disease, I knew it was too much to ask.
I finished my section and turned to Chase. “Was there anything I left out?”
“No,” Chase said, his voice clipped. “You covered that adequately.”
I motioned for Chase to join me, but he wouldn’t move until I sat down. Way to be obvious.
“As you know, Mr. Sloan and I have been working on this to help tailor the mentor to the person. Some may want a hands-on approach as we discussed, and some may be nervous having someone follow them on a call. Unless there are specific concerns about a worker, we’d like to honor that. Each worker would have exactly what they need. Our goal would be to increase worker satisfaction and decrease turnover. Here are some ways we can support workers during the call and ways we support workers without getting on the call. This includes preparing them and then debriefing with them after they have their call.” He pushed the button on the remote to change the slide. “Here is a list of questions we developed to ask the worker to help them define any issues they may have had and to strengthen those skills they already have.”
He really was beautiful. I tried to follow along with the questions the others had but really all I could think about was Chase and his sweet lips and having him inside me. Those were dangerous thoughts, especially since Chase couldn’t stand the sight of me. I was proud of how well he was doing, even with a broken heart. Unless Chase wasn’t heartbroken. If I didn’t mean anything to him. But I couldn’t think that way. Not when I could remember what it was like to hold Chase in my arms.
“Do you agree with that Max?” Sean asked, staring pointedly at me.
Crap. Should I go along with it or admit that I wasn’t paying attention? Chase stared at me, his mouth set in a grim line as if daring me to contradict him.
“I think Chase is absolutely correct.” I hoped I wasn’t agreeing to something terrible, which was possible. Chase could have told them to fire me right now. He seemed to despise me enough for that.
“Interesting,” Sean said. “Thank you, both. Now we will have Amica and Jon present.
After they were finished and the supervisors left, promising to get back with us, we started putting the equipment away. Chase slammed things around while he worked, and Amica gave me a questioning look. I shrugged.
“If you two have this under control, I think Jon and I will go back to discuss some ideas for implementation.”
“We will?” Jon asked.
Chase wasn’t paying attention to us as he wound the cords up.
Amica gave Jon a pointed look and then nodded her head toward Chase.
“Oh, right, yes. Absolutely. We have things to discuss. Important things.”
Amica rolled her eyes as she pulled him out of the room.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“As if you don’t know.”
“Chase, I don’t know how many times I can apologize. I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”
Chase slammed his laptop into his backpack and turned toward me, his eyes furious. “You think that’s what I’m mad about?” He took a deep breath and flexed at his fingers, staring back at me. “I mean, I’m still mad about that don’t get me wrong, but the way you acted this afternoon.” He shook his head. “Unbelievable.”
“What did I do?” I thought back to the presentation and every single thing I said. I couldn’t think of anything. What was he talking about?
“Really.” Chase put his hands on his hips and glared at me. “So, you don’t remember agreeing with me at the end of our presentation?”
“Y
es,” I said slowly, still trying to figure out what he was mad about. “What’s wrong with agreeing with you?”
Chase shut his eyes as if he was trying to keep his cool. “I told them you had done a lot of the work and deserved most of the credit.”
Crap. And I agreed with him. It made me look like a jerk who thought Chase didn’t deserve any of the credit. “Why would you say anything like that? It’s not even true.”
“First of all,” Chase said, “I was being polite and giving you credit. If you’d been listening and not scheming, then you would’ve known that.”
“Let me get this straight. You said I did most of the work so that I could come back and say that you deserved the credit. That’s some passive-aggressive bullshit right there.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to understand, Max. You’ve never given anybody any credit.” Chase grabbed his bag to leave.
“That is absolutely not true.” I reached for Chase’s arm to stop him from leaving.
“Get your hands off me.”
“No. Not until you listen to me.” But I moved my hands away. I locked eyes with Chase. “You’re right,” I said. “I wasn’t paying attention and I’m sorry.”
“This was really important to me, Max. And all you had to do was do your job. Pay attention. And you couldn’t even do that.” He shook his head and started to move away.
“I was thinking about you. I struggle every single day, every single hour, every single minute. All I think about is you. I miss you so much.”
Chase studied the floor, but I could see the tears in his eyes.
“Please give me a chance,” I said softly, wanting to reach out to him, but not daring to.
Chase shook his head. “I can’t. Not yet.” He walked out, leaving me alone in the room.
It was the yet part, though, that gave me hope. Chase wasn’t writing us off completely. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance.
CHAPTER 18
CHASE
I RUSHED INTO THE BATHROOM. It was the only place to get any privacy. I tried not to make any noise as the tears ran down my face. I didn’t know what to do about Max. I was still so angry at him, so sure it was all just a ploy. When Max agreed that he’d done all the work on the project, I was livid. It was just like Max to take the credit, to be the showoff. But was Max really like that? It certainly made more sense that he wasn’t paying attention. I wanted to believe what Max said, that he was thinking about me all the time. That he missed me.
But was it real? Or was Max just saying what he thought I wanted to hear? I’d seen Max do that over and over again with people. He was just so charming, so good with everyone, that it seemed fake. My heart wanted to believe that Max cared about me. That Max meant everything he said to me. And there were times when I just wanted to give in and let Max tell me what I wanted so desperately to hear.
But then I’d think back to Cameron. He’d always talk me out of being angry. He’d apologize later, saying sweet things. He’d say it was his own fault for not understanding what I was going through. He’d promise to try harder. And yet, he never really tried to understand. It was just words to say to manipulate me. I couldn’t go through that again. I wouldn’t.
I dried up my tears and washed my face. I didn’t have time for self-pity or for obsessing about Max. I had a job to do and my break time was over. Time to get back to work.
Later in the afternoon, I got an email from my boss. He wanted to meet at four o’clock today. Was it about the presentation? Or something else entirely? I didn’t feel good about it.
When I reached my boss’s office at the scheduled time, I was surprised to see Max already there. It wasn’t just Max; his supervisor, Sean, stood by the desk. Maybe we were being congratulated on a job well done on the presentation, but if so, where was Amica and Jon?
I could tell by the frowns and the nervous glances Max gave me that it wasn’t going to be good. Dread pooled in my stomach. I squeezed my hands together to keep them from shaking. This was bad on so many levels.
Ben ushered me in, and I sat in the only chair available next to Max. He gave me a nervous smile before looking forward again. Ben walked over to the front of the desk. He glanced over at Sean and motioned for him to go first.
“As you both know there is a company policy against romantic relationships between coworkers.”
How did they know? My heart tried to jump out of my chest. I was sure I was about to lose my lunch. And my job. We’d been so careless.
“Chase and I aren’t dating,” Max said. “You guys have nothing to worry about.”
Ben shook his head. “We’re not idiots,” he said. “We could tell the minute you two got together. First of all, Chase was more social in the last month than he’s been since he got here. He’s been sitting with new people. Smiling. Engaging.”
“Max, we can see a lot of changes in you, too,” Sean said. “Less pranks. Less getting in trouble, although it did seem like the copier was getting a lot of use.”
Max was shaking his head when I put a hand on his arm. “If what you’re saying is true,” I said. “Why didn’t you say anything about it weeks ago? The changes that you listed were positive not negative.”
“You’re right,” Sean said. “That’s exactly why we didn’t say anything.”
“We should have, though.” Ben stepped forward, crossing his arms. “We turned a blind eye, and that was probably a mistake. But I’m going to be honest with you guys, and if you repeat this, I’ll deny this conversation ever happened. You guys are two of our best. I’d hate to lose either of you. And, honestly you seemed happier.” He looked over at Sean. “We were just going to ignore it.”
“Maybe that makes us bad supervisors,” Sean said. “Company rules are company rules, after all. But because you were working so well together on this project, we thought maybe it would work out.”
“But we were wrong,” Ben said. “There are reasons dating is not allowed. Not necessarily because of the happy times. It’s because most the time, it doesn’t work out, and then you have two people who can’t work together.”
“We can work together,” I said.
“Like you did today?”
“Wait a minute,” Max interrupted. “I was a little distracted. I’m not gonna lie about that, but we did well. Our presentation was good.”
“No one is saying it wasn’t. But there’s a strain now that wasn’t there before, and now it’s becoming more obvious. Obvious to everyone, not just us, and now we have to do something.”
I sat up straighter in the chair. “But I don’t understand. If Max and I are no longer dating, there shouldn’t be a problem. Wouldn’t the first step be to ask us not to date? Done.”
“If this was the end of it, we might have let it go. Honestly, it’s not the first time we’ve seen people get together and break up so quickly it was barely worth mentioning. Especially when they could still work together or just not ever talk to each other again. You guys aren’t even the same unit and you have different supervisors.”
I bristled at his comment about our relationship being barely worth mentioning. It was so much more than that. At least for me. I didn’t say any of that. “So, what’s the problem?”
“The problem is I can see the way you guys look at each other. This isn’t going away. Tell me right now you guys are done, and that this won’t happen again, and we can walk out of this room and go on with their lives.”
I started to say something, but Sean held up his hand. “I want to hear from Max first.”
I glanced at Max, my breath catching in my throat. I didn’t know what to wish for. If Max said we were done, it would save both our jobs. But it might just break my heart. Our gazes caught for a second and then Max faced his boss.
“Being with Chase was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can always find another job. Right now, Chase wants nothing to do with me, but I can’t promise that I won’t try every day for the rest of my life to get him back.”
“
Max,” I said, but my ability to form words ended there. What did I say to that? I knew it was a problem. It could cost us our jobs, but I couldn’t hold back the warmth that spread like wildfire in my chest. Did Max really care about me that much?
“That’s what I thought.” Sean pulled a chair out and straddled it, facing them. “What do we do now, guys?” Ben moved behind his desk.
Were they doing a good-cop, bad-cop thing? I shook my head. I didn’t have an answer for them.
“What are our options?” Max asked.
“Option number one is that we ask one of you to leave.” Sean leaned on the chair as he talked. It could have been a casual conversation, except for the subject matter and Ben glowering in the background.
“Quit?” I bit my lip to keep from saying anything more. The thought of quitting… Of trying to go somewhere new, terrified me.
“No,” Ben said. “Just moving to another office. We have a call center across town.”
Even transferring to another area scared me. I wasn’t sure I could do it. But the thought of Max leaving terrified me more. What if I never saw him again? I couldn’t even think about it.
“We also have the sales unit on the seventh floor. Even though we’re technically the same company, you’d be working in a different division, so you can do that and still date.”
“Is there another option?” I asked.
“I think if you guys were back together, and we didn’t know about it, no harm, no foul. That would mean not using the copy room to make out. If there’s no drama on the floor, I think we’d be good.” Sean glanced back at Ben. “Did I miss anything?”