by Karen Ferry
I took a deep breath as I considered her question carefully. But was there ever really a choice to make? I needed to spend more time with Ethan, because deep down, I knew that he was it for me, no questions asked. It was simple and complicated at the same time.
“That I need to follow my heart, I guess.” I smiled at her. “I’ve wanted him for so long, I can’t turn away now.”
“Look,” Ella sighed as she took my hand, “this thing between you is so new, just go with it for now. Enjoy getting the chance to know each other in a completely different way and forget about that woman you met. There’s no reason chasing down ghosts already when there’s probably a perfectly good reason he doesn’t want to say anything about his job yet. And,” she leaned closer, “you said it yourself: you’ve always wanted him. Now is your chance to find out if the reality of him is as good as you thought it could be.”
I smiled in thanks. “You’re right.”
Ella grinned at me. “Of course I’m right.”
“I agree,” Eliza butted in. “Take it slow and jump his delectable body as often as you can.”
I grinned at her. “That won’t be a problem, that’s for sure.”
We raised our glasses and toasted each other. “I’m so glad to get some girl time with you,” I sighed, relieved. “Now, no more talk about men – instead, I want to hear all about your plans for the future.”
While I try to figure out my own in silence, I thought.
“Ugh, the dreaded F word,” Ella groaned and put her head down on the table. “Why did I ever think becoming a journalist would be such a great idea?”
“Aww, it can’t be that bad, surely?” I patted her hair but pulled back when she raised her head and scowled at me.
“It’s worse. You try to make a career in this godforsaken town where every newsroom is filled with misogynistic pigs!”
I winced. “All right, I guess you’d know that better than me.”
Ella glanced side to side before she leaned across the table. “Guess what kind of article they want me to write?”
I shook my head and looked at Eliza.
She shrugged. “No idea.”
“An exposé about the porn industry,” Ella hissed.
“What?!” I shouted.
“You’re joking,” Eliza raised her eyebrows.
“Nope, wish I were,” Ella sighed, resting her head in her fisted hands. “My editor wants me to peruse the internet, interview porn stars, and write an article that not only explains the human nature with regards to pornography, but why some of us – regular people – choose it as our line of work! Can you believe this guy?”
I felt for my friend and reached for her.
“Not that there’s anything wrong with porn,” I squeezed her hand, “but I’m sorry. What a crappy deal.”
Her eyes turned so despondent, it tore me apart.
“Yeah, well, I don’t have a choice – either I write it, or I’m out of a job. And I really need it.”
“Do you need any help doing research?” Eliza whispered. “I mean, at least that part must be pretty fun.”
I blinked at my friend. “Uuh, who are you, and what have you done to my innocent, proper English friend?”
She grinned. “I’m half Danish, and not all of us are prim.” She laughed when I widened my eyes. “Come on, Pen, I’ve been with Hugo for five years. We’ve dabbled a bit, lived out some of our fantasies – one time, we even saw a porn together.” She raised her right hand and started to fan it in front of her face. “Hottest thing ever. Just thinking about it now makes me want to do it again.”
I covered my ears. “Tralalalala!” I sang. “I can’t hear you.”
Ella started to laugh like a hyena, and it didn’t take long before the three of us were in fits of giggles, drawing attention back to our table
“Oh, man, I needed that laugh,” Ella chuckled, wiping another round of tears from her eyes. She smiled at Eliza next to me. “And thanks, but no thanks. I can handle it.”
“If I could write, I’d love to be a journalist,” Eliza sighed, a wistful look in her eyes. “But I’ll leave that to you and my mum and…” She smiled as she made us wait for a couple of seconds. “I’ll stick with restoring paintings once Hugo and I go home to Oxford.”
I gasped when she beamed at me. “You mean, you got the job you wanted?”
“Yup,” she grinned. “Got the email today. I was reading my acceptance letter when I got your SOS text.”
Ella let out a whoop. “We need to celebrate!” She turned in her seat and caught the eye of a waitress. “Champagne, please!”
Warmth filled me as I gave Eliza a hug. “I’m thrilled for you! But I’ll miss you when you leave.”
“We still have a couple of weeks left. And we’ll keep in touch. You won’t disappear from my life, will you?”
I huffed, almost offended she’d say something like that. “Of course not.”
Laughter danced in her eyes as she blew a stray curl away from her cheek. “Good. Besides, you need to keep me updated on what happens between you and that gorgeous man of yours. I can’t wait. And you,” she pointed at Ella who froze in her seat, “you need to send me a copy of your article, including links, once you’ve finished it. Deal?”
Ella shook her head but then relented when Eliza kept staring at her “All right, you’ve got it.”
As the waitress came over to our table with a bottle of pink champagne, I relaxed back in my chair. I was happy to see two of my best friends getting along so well, feeling lucky that I had them in my life. At this very moment, I decided to make a big effort into getting my own future figured out once and for all. I knew I needed to decide on a career, but even if it took me months, I wouldn’t settle for less than doing something I loved.
It was time to pull up my big girl panties and get on with my life.
Hopefully, one that would include Ethan.
19
Secrets Are Revealed
“Can I tell you a secret?” I smiled at Ethan from my spot on the kitchen counter next to the stove; it seemed like it had become his favorite place for me to hang out whenever he got ready to cook, because he always made sure I was right there next to him, not far out of his reach.
I loved to be close to him, but I didn’t tell him that.
Instead, I accepted it in silence, not questioning it once.
But right now, I wasn’t in the mood for food.
“Only if you’re free to share it,” he grinned at me.
I rolled my eyes. “Sure, that goes without saying.”
“Go ahead.”
I took a sip of my wine, smiling against the rim as I watched the puppies slumbering at Ethan’s feet. After I’d said goodbye to my girls, I’d gone back to the animal shelter where I’d helped him and Charlie feeding the other animals; and once Ethan’s new pets were awake, we’d taken them home. While they were still groggy after their procedures, they’d been alert enough to explore their new home and hadn’t settled down to rest until we’d moved to the kitchen.
“Pen?” Ethan called, pulling my thoughts back. “The secret?”
I put my glass down next to me. “Remember that summer when Dad grounded me? I was sixteen and he’d walked in on me and my first boyfriend, Adam while we were, uh, having some fun?” I blushed at the memory.
He frowned as he shook the wok, stirring the vegetables. “Vaguely.” He glanced at me. “I hated that you had a boyfriend, but I wasn’t surprised. You were always gorgeous, and I knew it was only a matter of time before the boys would come sniffing around you. I just didn’t like it.”
His compliment warmed, and the hint of jealousy in his voice sent victory through me.
“Well, I spied on you, Max and Parker from my tree house. I was jealous that none of you had invited me to your wild party.”
“Come on, Pen, you were so young.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I waved his protest away. “That’s not the secret.”
“Go on, then.�
�
“After my friend, Kate, left, I was about to head to bed when I came across some very interesting sounds, and so I kept quiet and ended up seeing you with some blonde on her knees in front of you.”
Ethan dropped the wok as if he’d been burned and gave me his full attention.
“And?”
I licked my lips at the hoarse sound of his voice and held his gaze. “Your shorts were down, and she was giving you head. It was a very erotic sight, seeing you like that…being pleasured, all your defenses down, completely lost in the moment. The sounds you made…” I shuddered, overwhelmed by the memory, as his breath caught. “But it also made me fiercely jealous.”
He switched off the burner and moved to step between my legs, caging me in. He placed his hands on my hips, pulling me to the edge until I could feel him – feel his desire for me – between the layers of clothes between us.
“Jealous?”
“Mm-hmm.” I placed my hands on his chest, marveling at the hard muscles like always. “I wanted to scratch her eyes out,” I admitted.
“Fierce Penelope,” he whispered, his nose circling mine. “I love that you felt so possessive of me even back then.”
“Very. Since that night, you starred in all my fantasies.” I caught his lips between mine for a teasing kiss. “Only, the girl in my fantasies wasn’t the nameless blonde. It was me, and only me.”
He groaned, the sound sending a thrill through my body.
“Fuck, Pen. From the moment I was your first kiss, I forbid myself from thinking of you as more than my friend. I couldn’t…” he swallowed hard. “When I needed relief…”
“You mean, when you were horny?” I chuckled.
“Yes,” he blew a long breath. “When I was in that mood, and I didn’t want a real woman to satisfy me, I jerked off to thoughts of you.”
I trembled at the revelation.
“I never thought I’d be here with you like this,” I admitted. “But now that I am – here in your home, in your bed – I think it’s time I erase that whole experience from your memory.”
His lips tipped up at the corners. “Do you now?”
I stared into his eyes, transfixed by the way they turned darker by the second. “Yes. Will you let me?”
“I’ll let you do anything you want to me. I’m yours.” His eyes turned somber. “I’ve always belonged to you, darlin’, even when I told myself I was a dick for wanting you in ways I had no right to.”
I gave him a lazy smile as my hands reached up to toy with his hair. “I love that you wanted me so much, baby. But I’m trying to understand why you felt you had to stay away from me. Won’t you tell me your reasons?”
“Shh,” he murmured, pressing his crotch against me. “Later. But now’s not the time.”
I shook my head as I rubbed against him. “You’re right, not now. But I’m going to hold you to that promise.”
He groaned, his body quivering as much as mine. “Fair enough.”
I pushed lightly at his chest and slid down the counter and landed on the soles of my bare feet. “Go to the couch, baby,” I whispered, placing another teasing kiss on his full lips. His eyes glinted with a need that I was sure mirrored my own.
“Yes, ma’am.”
I smiled as he let me take control for once, and then I set out to do my best to erase the girl from the past from his memory.
“How much do you know about my past?” Ethan murmured next to me later that night in bed. “About my life before I came to live with your family?”
Alerted by the serious topic, I tensed. “Not much. Mama and Dad always told us that you’d tell us your story when you were ready.”
He frowned and tucked his chin. “And you never questioned it?”
I cuddled closer to him, hiding my face under his chin. “No, not really. I mean, maybe we did at first, but as time wore on, it didn’t matter. Not to me, anyway.”
“Extraordinary Penelope.”
I blushed. “No, I’m not. I never was. I was just a girl who wanted to do everything to become your friend. If that meant there were parts of you I’d never get to know, then so be it. I accepted it, and…”
“And?” he pushed when my silence stretched out.
I shook my head but when he moved his arm from underneath my head and rose up, resting it next to my head and stared into my eyes, I had to tell him. I couldn’t deny him, not when his warm gaze was transfixed on mine.
“I didn’t want to make you sad by asking tons of questions,” I continued. “I knew enough about the foster system from what my parents told me to know that it would have to be really bad for any child that would end up living with us.” I traced my finger across the deep frown embedded between his eyebrows. “But when it turned out to be you...a part of me couldn’t bear to hurt you, and I suppressed the need to know. All that mattered was that you were safe.” I traced my finger across his lips. “Safe and happy.”
When the silence stretched out between us after my confession, the need to know what he was thinking overwhelmed me.
I stared into his eyes. “Please say something,” I whispered.
He shook his head and kissed the tips of my fingers. “I don’t know what to say.” The pain he so often hid from everyone blazed down at me and I gasped at the utter hopelessness shining back at me.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
He grimaced and closed his eyes. “I wish I’d been brave enough to tell you what my life was like, but the longer I stayed with you, the more scared I was of losing what I’d found.”
“Found?”
“Family,” he breathed. “Security. Your family became mine, Pen, but most of all…”
“Yes?”
He opened his eyes and raised his hand, tracing my own lips. His gaze didn’t waver from his fingers as he caressed them. “In my head, you became mine, but I was so lost in my wretched past that I couldn’t see beyond it. I daren’t hope that one day, you would be here, with me, as you are right now, but it was all I ever wanted. I wanted it so much that it terrified me. You have no idea how difficult it was to push you away when you tried to kiss me when you were eighteen.”
“There’s no other place I’d rather be but here, baby.” I forced the words through the tightness of my throat. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. Or not,” I shrugged. “It’s up to you, just like it’s always been.”
He raised his head and my heart beat increased at the tender way he looked at me. I’d never had that much emotion aimed my way, not by anyone, and the words I love you almost slipped between my lips, but I held them at bay.
“My sunshine,” he murmured. “The girl with the brightest smile…the prettiest, greenest eyes I’ve ever seen.” His thumb rested on my chin, lifting my head until my mouth was a hairsbreadth from his. “You have the fiercest, most loyal spirit I’ve had the privilege to get to know, and I’m afraid that I’ll fuck it up with you.”
“Never,” I vowed. “That’s impossible, Ethan.” I wrapped my arms around his neck, needing to be as close to him as I could possibly get. Needing to show him that I’d be his anchor, tethering him to me and willing to face whatever demons possessed him. “I’m here now, and I’m never going anywhere. No matter what, I’ll be here, ready to go to battle for you.”
He rested his forehead against mine, trembling as he crushed me into the hard planes of his body. I placed small, tender kisses on his face and neck, cooing softly in his ears. I didn’t know if it helped, but a part of me craved to soothe him in any way I could. It didn’t matter that I could hardly breathe from his weight pressing down on me; all that mattered was that he needed me, and I was determined to be strong enough to face his torment.
“My dad…,” he whispered brokenly. “He…”
“He what, baby? Tell me.”
He inhaled deeply, and my heart broke at the shuddering sound when he released it.
“He killed my mom.”
Time stood still as his words sunk in.
“W
hat?”
“It’s the truth. My story isn’t unique or special, Pen. He was a drunk all my life, knocking us around – my mom tried to protect me as much as she could, but when she wasn’t there…I was the one who had to endure his punishment.”
Tears leaked from my eyes. “Oh, Ethan…”
“That day wasn’t any different at first.” Ethan burrowed deeper into me, still shivering. “Except he seemed edgier, raving more than usual.” He raised his head, and the tears on his eyelashes and cheeks tore me in two. “We were in the kitchen when he came home from work. Mom was cooking dinner, trying her best to be as quiet and quick as possible, and I was doing my homework while she cooked. Those few, precious hours we had before he came home? They were the only sparks of sunshine in my life until I met you.”
“Tell me what happened.”
He stumbled through the words as if a dam had burst. “He…he started to criticize her – calling her a whore and yelling that she’d ruined his life when she got pregnant with me.” Ethan shook his head as his eyes took on a faraway look as if he was back in that kitchen. “As if the fucking bastard had nothing to do with it.” He wiped his nose on his arm, seeming to steady himself. “That seemed to be the breaking point for my mom – the final straw, I mean – because she jammed the lid on the pot filled with pasta she was cooking and turned to face him. I’ll never forget the look on her face…”
“What look?”
“So much hatred,” he whispered. “Her left eye black and blue from the last time he’d smashed her around, and her body frail and thin. But her eyes…when she went to war with him, telling him to get out and leave us alone…I’ll never forget her eyes in that moment. I stood up, made to go to her side, but she held her arm out, telling me to run next-door, get the neighbors to call the cops.” He swallowed, hard. “My dad lunged for me, but I was quick and managed to evade him somehow. I ran out the front door, yelling when I heard my dad’s roar. Fuck me, the rage and violence could have shaken the entire ground, that’s how loud it seemed to me. And then…”
I pulled his head down, refusing to let him evade my eyes. “Finish it, baby. You’ve come this far.”