Not a Word

by Dawn Sister

  He winks. What the hell? I can’t even look at him, because he must know what that does to my insides. He must know I’m attracted to him.

  “Y’know, with Mom being a caterer, and you being the best cook ever, a guy could get real lazy.”

  Oh, that’s what he means!

  The rest of the evening I don’t say a word in case I stick my foot in my mouth big time. I seem to be reading Zak’s meanings wrong all the time. Zak doesn’t even appear to notice that I’m even less forthcoming than usual. He just talks enough for the both of us, as always.

  I think I was wrong about him knowing I’m attracted to him. He doesn’t seem to be acting any differently at all, except I think he may have reached his food limit. I would never have believed that if I wasn’t seeing it with my own eyes.

  He’s currently lying across my sofa, his stockinged feet pressed against my leg, because he’s so long he doesn’t quite fit when we sit on the same couch. I’m trying to ignore the way his toes seem to keep massaging my thigh. I don’t think he’s doing it consciously. I think he just has twitchy toes.

  He’s holding his stomach and groaning. We’ve both just had the biggest helping of profiteroles I have ever attempted to eat. I didn’t finish mine, but he persevered, and now he’s paying the price. I can’t help laughing.

  “Oh my god, I don’t think I’ll eat again for a week.” He moans. “If I move I will barf. Jeez, my Mom can cook.” I nod in agreement. “I’d get her to do this every time she caters for a lunch, but I think it would kill us both.”

  I feel a little more relaxed now that I realise he isn’t acting differently towards me after all and all my misinterpretations of his actions were just my over-active imagination.

  “C-c-coffee?” I ask. It’s the first word I’ve spoken in over an hour. Zak lifts his head and smiles in apparent delight, as if that word is the best word I have ever uttered.

  “Sure, Niall. Coffee would be great.”

  Chapter 14

  In which I get an unwanted visitor

  “Hi, Niall, I’m ho…holy crap, I mean I’m back. I picked up some milk because we were…I mean you were all out, and I got some other stuff for later…” Zak’s voice fades away as he presumably looks for me in the kitchen. I’m not in there. Then his voice gets louder as he returns to the hall. “…and then Zen saw that Rottweiler he hates and took off after it, so I had to chase him halfway across the…” His voice fades again as he looks for me in the living room this time. I’m not in there either. “Where the hell are you, Niall?”

  “In h-here,” I call as Zak appears at the conservatory door and stops dead in his tracks because I’m not alone.

  “Oh, you have company.” He sounds both surprised and curious because basically I never have visitors apart from him.

  There are a myriad of other emotions playing across his expressive face as he notices the man currently sitting like he’s been poured into the easy chair opposite me. Zak looks a little wary, but there is a slight narrowing of his eyes, as if he is sizing this man up and finding him lacking. He’d be right on that account, since the man currently relaxing in what used to be his favourite easy chair is my ex, Greg.

  He turned up out of the blue, and I couldn’t tell him to fuck off because he was through the door and in the house before I’d got the words out. Greg never did give me enough time to speak.

  Zen, who would normally stay right at Zak’s heels the entire time, like the mutt slut he is, comes immediately to my side. His hackles are raised as he regards Greg with canine mistrust. He growls, and Greg gives him a disdainful look. He’d do well to be wary, though; my dog might be small, but he’s fiercely protective. I place my hand on Zen’s head to calm him, grateful for his protective instinct.

  Zak exchanges glances with me, and in his incredibly intuitive way, I think he has taken everything in and made his conclusions as to what the situation is. His eyes narrow to dark slits and his brow knits in a hostile scowl, because he knows who my visitor is without having to ask. One day, I am going to ask if he really can read my mind. But right now, I have to at least go through the motions of introducing Zak to Greg.

  Greg beats me to it, however, because his slimy ears had already pricked up when he heard Zak’s voice. Before I can even stutter out Zak’s name, he is on his feet and introducing himself.

  “Hello, I’m Greg,” he says in a smooth, oily tone that is not going to fool Zak, I’m sure.

  “Greg, nice to meet ya, dude, I’m Zak.” Zak shakes the offered hand, and sounds altogether too happy to meet my ex.

  He does remember that this man is an arsehole, doesn’t he? One look at his face tells me his tone is feigned. He is only acting polite. I can see the hostility fizzing beneath the surface. It gives me a feeling of satisfaction, like I have someone on my side. Lord knows, I never felt I did when I was with Greg, or when I broke up with him, since all my so-called friends took his side.

  “So, Zak, do you live here?” Greg is fishing, in the same feigned politeness. What he really means is Who the hell are you? and Are you a threat I need to eliminate? because he always was a jealous son of a bitch.

  “What?” Zak gasps, meeting my eye and smirking. “No, dude, I don’t live here, I live next door.”

  “So you just came over to walk the dog?” Greg nods in apparent understanding, of what, I don’t know. “I see.” He smiles in a condescending way. “I get it now.” He turns to me, deliberately turning his back on Zak, and shakes his head in disappointment. “You know, I told you not to get that dog if you weren’t able to walk it, Niall.” He leans towards me, ignoring Zen’s low growl and Zak’s soft gasp. “So why don’t you pay the guy, and then we can get on with our conversation?” He says the last words in a low tone, and backs it up with a suggestive click of his tongue. Jesus, I’m not a horse.

  Greg stretches out a hand to touch me but pulls it back when Zen gives another warning growl. He regards my dog with more than a little venom. There was a time when Greg’s possessiveness thrilled me and made me feel wanted. It just makes my skin crawl now, because I see it for what it really is: control. His words were meant to outrage and undermine, and the tactic has worked, because Zak looks irate.

  “Look, dude, I don’t…” Zak splutters before I jump up and grab his arm, pulling him away. Zen follows, giving Greg a disdainful look, if that is even possible for a dog.

  Zak glares at Greg as I pull him away. His blue eyes are flashing, and his lips are set in a thin, angry line. He’s kind of hot when he’s all angry and spitting like this. I shake my head to clear it. I’m afraid if I don’t defuse the situation right now, fists are going to fly.

  When we are in the kitchen and safely out of Greg’s earshot, Zak’s expression changes. He looks…not angry that I’ve dragged him away, or even angry that Greg assumed he was the paid help, or that I just let him assume that. He looks concerned.

  “So that’s the infamous Greg, then?” He is searching my face; I’m not sure what for. I nod, a sense of inevitability washing over me.

  Greg visits me about every six months or so, just to keep me on my toes, I guess. Plus he used to live here, so I suppose even after five years he still has some sort of connection to the building, even if it isn’t to me personally. So it was just a matter of time before Zak met Greg. I just wish I could have warned Zak about how controlling Greg can be. We’ve never really talked about it, except for me to say my ex was an arsehole and I eventually plucked up the courage to tell him to fuck off out of my life.

  I have no way of defending Zak from him. Greg just says these horrible things, and he knows I can’t fight back. I feel helpless and weak and stupid and also mortified that I couldn’t correct Greg’s assumption that I pay Zak to walk my dog.

  “Niall.” Zak stands right in front of me, takes me by the shoulders and looks directly into my eyes. “Tell me if I’m jumping the gun here, or if I’m out of line or crossing a line or whatever, but do you want that asshole in your house?”


  “I-I-I…” I huff. Greg has rendered me without words. He always could reduce me to a gibbering wreck. He comes round here because of that. He likes to feel strong, and when he’s with me he feels on top of the world, because he’s basically a bully.

  “You don’t have to say anything, Niall. Just nod or shake your head. Did he turn up out of the blue?”

  I nod, a little dumbstruck for another reason now, because Zak is an extremely perceptive young man.

  “Did you invite him in?”

  I shake my head. Greg didn’t wait for an invite; he just barged in, like he thinks he still owns the place, not that he ever did in the first instance, but still…

  “Do you want me to kick his ass out of the house?”

  I shake my head vigorously. I don’t want Zak to get into trouble, and Greg is the kind of person who could cause a lot of trouble.

  “Do you want me to send Zen in there to bite his ass?”

  I laugh out loud at his suggestion as Zen jumps and yelps at my feet at the mention of his name. I know for a fact that Zen would do exactly what Zak asked of him. Not only that, but I’m pretty certain Zak would be right behind him, ready to kick Greg out of my house. I’m tempted—very tempted—but again, I don’t want Zak, or Zen for that matter, to get into trouble.

  “N-no, h-he’ll leave soon. H-he just came round t-to—”

  “To make you feel like you’re two inches tall,” Zak interrupts me, and I give him a shocked look, since he never interrupts me, like really, never. Since the moment we first met, he has always allowed me to get there on my own. He has never put words in my mouth.

  I think he realises what he’s done, because he looks sheepish and lowers his gaze, shuffling his feet. He’s acting like he’s done something wrong, but he hasn’t. He didn’t interrupt me out of impatience; I think he’s just as stressed as I am about this.

  “Jeez, I’m sorry, Niall, really.” He frowns in concern as he looks up at me again. “I should’ve let you finish. Do you guys have stuff to talk about? Do you want me to leave?”

  Oh god, no! I shake my head. “St-stay. P-please?” I’m filled with panic at the thought of him leaving, and he certainly hasn’t done anything to upset me, the exact opposite. Everything he does is fucking amazing. I just can’t tell him that right now.

  Zak sets his mouth back into a thin, disapproving line, and I know he isn’t disapproving of my request, because he is looking in the direction of the conservatory. He nods, a dark, determined scowl creasing his usually open features.

  “I’ll stay, but if that asshole says or does anything I don’t like, or even hints about saying or doing anything, or even looks like he might be thinking about it, I am gonna take him by the scruff of the neck and drop kick his ass down your porch steps, and Zen is gonna help me, aren’t you, Zen?” Zen yelps, as if in agreement. I can’t help laughing. Zak positions himself behind me and squeezes my shoulders. “Okay?” I realise he is massaging me, like a coach would a player before an important game. I nod, wanting to laugh at his quirky ways. He’s giving me a pep talk! “You go back in there, Niall, give ’im hell, and I’ll make coffee.”

  I shake my head, seeing the flaw in this plan. Greg already sees Zak as the hired help; if he goes off to make coffee, that will only reinforce the misconceptions. Greg needs to understand Zak’s status in this house, even if it is a little difficult for me to pinpoint exactly what that is myself.

  I need a break from Greg’s constant grinding at my self-esteem anyway, and maybe Zak’s mouthy, quick wit will cut Greg down to size. I reach back and grasp his hand in gratitude then turn to face him.

  “N-no, I’ll m-make c-coffee.”

  “Will you indeed?” Zak gasps. “And I suppose you want me to go in there and make small talk with Mister Slime Ball?”

  I roll my eyes and he rolls his, and then he pulls me into a hug with a soft chuckle that vibrates through me due to the close contact. The hug leaves me reeling as he leaves the kitchen still laughing, Zen at his heels.

  Well, that was unexpected. I am momentarily weak at the knees and completely dumbfounded. Zak can sometimes be quite demonstrative. I guess it’s in his nature, but it leaves me breathless and confused. I don’t think he would be so touchy-feely if he knew the effect it had on my body.

  I make some fresh coffee, glad of the break from Greg’s prying eyes for another reason completely, since I’m sure he would see straight away my feelings for Zak are more than simply friendship. He would use it against us both, making sure he undermines our friendship in any way he can. I’ve been a victim of his spite too many times.

  I’m just getting mugs ready when the front door slams. Zen runs back into the kitchen, and I feel my heart sink. This can only mean one thing. Greg has insulted Zak enough to make him leave, or worse, he’s told Zak to leave, which he has no right to do.

  I glance down at Zen in alarm then run to the front door in a panic. It isn’t Zak leaving, though. It’s Greg. I get there just in time to see his car pull out of the drive, the tyres screeching on the tarmac in his haste to get away. He doesn’t even look back.

  Oh god, what has he done to Zak?

  I run into the conservatory to find an apparently unscathed Zak staring out into the garden, his back to me. I can see by the set of his shoulders he isn’t happy.

  “What the hell?” I gasp, feeling utterly confused. “Wh-what happened?”

  “Greg the Asshole left,” Zak tells me in a matter-of-fact tone, although there is a slight tremor to his voice, which I realise is white-hot fury when he turns to face me. “He is a real piece of work. He told me…” He pulls at his hair and gives a loud, angry growl, turning away. “You don’t even wanna know what he said. Suffice it to say, he insulted you, me and the entire gay, lesbian, transgender and bisexual cross-section of society within five seconds of opening his sorry little mouth.”

  Zak growls again as he recalls the encounter then throws his hands out towards the front door and Greg’s exit route. “Is he for real? And as if insulting you wasn’t enough, he made a move on me. When I shot him down he actually asked me how much you were paying me, because he’d double it. Jesus, he made me feel dirty. Did you really live with that guy for ten years? I think I need a shower because the thought of him even coming close to touching me is making my skin crawl. The thought of him touching you is making me feel sick to my stomach.”

  The thought of Greg touching Zak is making me want to vomit as well. I am suddenly struck with the urge to go after Greg and punch him in the face. He was never the most faithful of men, but for him to make a move on my… Oh god! Zak isn’t my anything, what am I thinking?

  “Hey, Niall, are you okay?” Zak suddenly sounds very concerned, and he’s by my side before I can reply.

  My ears are ringing, and my head is spinning with the strength of the feelings this situation has invoked. Zak’s protectiveness is overwhelming. I had no idea.

  “I-I’m f-f-fine, Zak.” I shrug him off because he’s put his arm around my shoulders, for fuck’s sake. As if what he’s said isn’t enough, he has to go and back it all up with physical contact. I need to get away from him before I spontaneously combust. “I-I n-n-need to g-go t-to, t-t-t-to the b-b-b…” Urgh!

  I don’t wait for my mouth to catch up; I disappear along the hall to my downstairs toilet, where I lock myself in and hope he will just leave before I get any ideas. How can he be so fucking clueless about the way he acts towards me?

  “Niall?” He knocks on the toilet door, and stupidly, I look about me for possible exits, like he would actually come in, and as if I could actually get away from him if he did. “You okay, man?”

  “Y-Yes.”

  “Your coffee’s getting cold, bud.”

  “O-okay.”

  “I have to go, because I promised Mom I would be home for dinner tonight, and she gets all diva on me if I don’t turn up.”

  “O-okay.” I face-palm and draw my hand down over my nose and mouth, pulling down my
bottom lip as I do. Could I sound any more lame?

  “I’m sorry about what happened with Greg,” Zak continues, oblivious to my anguish. “He really got to me. I kind of told him to fuck off, and I wasn’t too nice about it. That’s why he left. So, I’m sorry if you guys had something important to discuss, and I’m truly sorry if I crossed a line, but he really did make me feel uncomfortable, and the things he said about you don’t even bear repeating. He’s lucky he left in one piece, Niall, and I’m sorry about that too. I should have a better handle on my temper. But when it comes to y…ah, shit.” I hear him sigh and imagine him pinching his nose and screwing up those lovely eyes of his as he thinks what to say next. “Look, what I’m trying to say is please don’t be too mad at me?”

  Oh god, he thinks I’m hiding in here because I’m angry with him. I want so desperately to go out there and tell him I’m not angry with him at all. He made Greg leave. I have no idea how he did it, because Greg was never that easily intimidated. Whatever he did, the chances are, if Zak hadn’t been here, Greg would have ended up staying the night, and I would have hated myself in the morning because he would just have been using me. The truth is, Greg only ever comes around when he wants something from me, like sex, and no matter how much I hate it, he can manipulate me like a puppet. Zak saved me.

  “Okay, I’m gonna go, Niall, but if you want, you are welcome to come have dinner with us. Mom said to invite you. Her exact words were, ‘Invite him, or I’ll post all of your baby photos on Facebook.’ So if you want to save me from embarrassment that will last me a lifetime, come over ay about seven, but if you don’t come, I’ll understand.”

  What will he understand? Will he understand that I’m mad with him and want him to suffer the worst embarrassment a parent can inflict on a child? Will he understand that after an encounter with Greg I just want to hide under my covers?

  I don’t want him to think I’m angry with him, and I doubt he will understand that without me actually going over there and explaining it all to him. I don’t know what to do.