Him

by Carey Heywood

  I feel like I'm grayscale sitting next to her. She seems almost Technicolor with her cotton candy toned streaks peeking out underneath her white blonde hair to her facial piercings and half sleeve tattoo on her left shoulder. It's cool on the train, and I wonder if she's cold in her black tank top with the giant Rolling Stones mouth on it and cut-off jean shorts. There is so much going on with her I'm not sure where to look. She's compact too, maybe three inches shorter than me and skinny. I bet she could skip a meal if she was heartbroken. She talks with her entire body, tapping her foot, wildly gesturing with her hands, tilting her head from side to side.

  I start to wonder if she's high or naturally hyper. She seems to have no fear talking to me, or anyone sitting near us. She’s moving to Trenton to live with an ex-boyfriend because she caught her current boyfriend, well now ex, getting head from their neighbor. The ex she’s going to live with only offered her a place so he would have a chance to get in her pants again. She shrugs when she says that, almost saying she wouldn’t mind that either. As she talks about what a royal ass her current ex is, I stare at her tattoo. It’s on the shoulder farther away from me, and I can only see half of it. She catches my eye and turns so I can get a better look at it. It’s an elaborate blue-feathered bird, its wings on fire.

  "It’s a phoenix," she says, looking down at it, her right hand raised to trace its outline with her fingertip.

  "Beautiful," I say. "Did it hurt?" I've always thought about getting one.

  "It hurt in some places." She points to a section on the underside of her arm. "Mainly it felt like rough rubbing, if that makes any sense. Not like getting a shot at the doctor. You scared of needles?"

  "I wouldn’t say I'm scared of them, but I don’t like them," I admit.

  We continue like this until we have to get off and switch trains in Philadelphia. I crack up when she seems surprised I get on the same train as her. I still haven’t told Sawyer I’m going to Trenton too. When I show her my ticket, she beams and insists that we hang out once we both get settled.

  I must have fallen asleep at some point because Sawyer shakes me awake when reach Trenton. It's three o'clock in the morning, and she offers to let me crash on her ex's couch so I can try and figure out where my uncle lives in the morning.

  She just has to clear it with her ex, Jake. He is waiting in the station for her, and she runs to him and jumps into his arms. He's tall and muscular, with shaggy brown hair that reminds me of Will. He's awake enough to pick her up and spin her around. I predict make up sex in their future. When Jake sets her down, Sawyer pulls him over to me and clears the whole couch crashing plan. He nods to me in greeting and asks Sawyer where she's sleeping if I'm on the couch.

  "I'm sure I can find someplace," she says, winking at him.

  He grins and pulls her suitcase with one hand and carries my duffle in his other. He drives a beat up, single bed truck. After tossing our bags in the back, we climb in, Sawyer sitting in the middle.

  During the drive over Jake looks over at me. "Are you in trouble or something?"

  "Huh?" I'm tired, so I'm not sure what he's asking.

  "Why doesn’t your uncle know you're coming?"

  I sigh. "I haven’t told anyone."

  "So," Jake continues, "are you in trouble?"

  "Like with the law? No. With my parent's for taking off probably and my brother. I kinda took his car without asking, but I left it at the train station so—"

  "How old are you?" Sawyer squints at me.

  "I'm eighteen, so relax. I just had to get away."

  "Why?" Sawyer rubs my arm.

  I look at the side window, blinking away tears. "Um, that's a long story."

  "We got time, Yoda." She gestures at my Star Wars t-shirt.

  The story doesn’t take as long as I thought it would. By the time we are at Jake's apartment, I've told them all about Will, Jessica, and what his mom said. I start crying about halfway through and am now hiccupping as I get out of the truck. Sawyer walks beside me, rubbing my back as Jake grabs our bags from his truck.

  Jake drops my duffle and backpack next to an ancient looking sofa in his living room. Sawyer digs through her bags in search of tea to make me a cup. She says it will help. My throat feels like I gargled sandpaper after talking while crying so tea sounds nice. I settle down on the sofa and wait while she microwaves water. Jake is standing in the doorway of his bedroom, probably wishing Sawyer was not occupied with me. The sofa is soft but kinda smells like feet, so I pull out a hoodie from my bag to sleep in. I'll wait until Jake and Sawyer go to bed to put it on. I don’t want to offend Jake, but I also don’t want my hair to smell like feet when I wake up.

  Sawyer brings me my tea, and I tell her and Jake I'm fine and to go ahead to go to bed. Jake must not be scared I'll steal any of his stuff because he does just that. Sawyer lingers a moment or two longer before following him. I pull out my iPod to drown out the sounds of their getting reacquainted. I fall asleep listening to an audiobook of the first Harry Potter book. It’s narrated by an English man, and I love his accent. I’m three quarters in when a patch of light from Jake's sliding door to his balcony wakes me up. I quietly freshen up as best I can in Jake’s bathroom. It feels good to change into clean clothes even if I didn’t take a shower.

  Since I don’t have a phone to call a cab, I decide to wait for Sawyer to get up to see if I can use hers. Jake comes out of the room first, in just his boxer shorts. He must have forgotten I stayed the night because his eyes widen, and he darts back into his room when he sees me sitting on his sofa. Sawyer comes out next, grinning and stretching. She’s wearing a strapless sundress, Jake follows her shortly, in jeans and a t-shirt this time. When I ask if I can borrow a phone to call a cab, Jake asks to see my uncle’s address.

  "This isn’t far." he glances at Sawyer. She raises her eyebrows at him. "We can give you a lift."

  I relax into the sofa. "That'd be great. Thank you."

  "Did you want to call your folks? Maybe get your uncle's number and make sure he's home first?"

  I groan, instantly tense again. Time to face the music.

  Chapter 21

  Present

  "She wouldn’t. She—"

  I turn and glare at Will. "You believe whatever you want, Will. You asked why I left, and I told you."

  I turn to head back inside, but he grabs my arm, stopping me. He's behind me. I turn slowly to face him. His lips are on mine before I know what's happened. It’s like no time has passed. My body is still his. Will's arms grip my waist while I wrap my arms around his neck. He tastes like rum and cinnamon. I want to consume him. When he breaks our kiss, we each take a step back to catch our breath.

  "You can't just kiss me," I pant.

  He ignores me. "You didn’t leave because you didn’t love me?"

  I shake my head. How could he ever think I didn’t love him? Will sinks into one of the chairs and puts his head in his hands, his breath ragged. I sit in the chair next to him, unsure of what to do. I gasp when I see tears in his eyes and move to wipe them away.

  "I've loved you and only you, Sarah, for the last seven years. When you left, you broke my heart."

  "I didn’t know. I thought I was doing the right thing. That you didn’t love me as much as I loved you."

  He took both of my hands in his. "Don’t ever say that. Don’t ever think that."

  My eyes water when his voice breaks. All this time. I feel like a fool. He pulls me into his lap and crushes me to his chest. His lips find mine again, and I'm lost. Nothing will ever keep me from him again. We melt into each other, and the world slips away for a little while until we both turn our heads towards the sound of someone clearing their throat.

  "Anything you two want to tell me?" Brian asks as he leans up against a post.

  Will grins at him over my shoulder. "I'm in love with your little sister."

  "Really?" I ask.

  He kisses the spot below my ear. "Always."

  "About fucking time." Brian lau
ghs before heading back inside.

  "But you don’t even know me anymore, and I don’t know you. We can't just jump into something like this. I live in Denver. Seriously, what are we going to do?" I ask, trying to be logical.

  He's now nibbling my ear lobe. "I disagree, Sarah. I know you. I know your favorite sandwich. I know your favorite book. I know what you look like when you are sad and you don’t want anyone to know. I know how much you loved your Grandma Bess, and I bet you still have her picture by your bed. I know where you're ticklish and that you love waffle cones. I know you hold your breath when you think your heart is racing and that you’ve done that every time I've been near you this week. Don't think that we're rushing or doing anything too fast, and about the other stuff, we'll figure it out. I want you to know that I will do anything to be with you."

  I pull back, putting my hands on his chest, hesitating when I can't help but wonder what he looks like without a shirt on, before shaking my head. "Will, you make it sound so easy, but I still have to leave. Do you want a long distance relationship?"

  He chews the side of his lip. "Don’t go."

  I laugh. "Oh, it's that easy. What about my job?"

  He shrugs. "I'm sure they'll get by without you for a while."

  My mouth drops. "Will, it's my company."

  His eyebrows come together. "Like you own it?"

  I smile and nod. Guess he didn’t know everything about my life in Denver.

  "You own a company?"

  I shrug. "It's not a big company, but yes, it's mine, and this is the longest I've ever been away. I really do have to go back."

  He lifts my hands and positions them back around his neck. "I could come back with you. It’s summer break."

  My eyes widen. "You would do that? Really?"

  He leans forward to kiss me. "I'm not letting you get away from me again."

  I'm thrilled. I am but, "What about your mom?"

  He takes a deep breath before his eyes meet mine. "I've done all I can for her. I'm not even sure she'd notice if I left."

  "Don’t say that," I object, not that I know any better. I just can't imagine that.

  "It's true. I hate to say it, but she hasn’t been right since Bethany's death. I don’t know why she said what she did to you, but I believe you. I'm so sorry she did that, that Jessica did that. Please know that you have always been all I've ever wanted."

  When his lips move to my neck, I ask, "Should we head back inside?"

  "Nope, don't want to."

  I laugh. "William."

  He looks up when I say it and smirks, releasing my waist. I daintily step off of his lap and smooth my skirt. He stands, hooks his jacket over one shoulder with one hand, and takes my hand in the other.

  As we walk off the patio, he looks down at me. "Just think if you would have talked to me the first day you got back."

  I elbow him. When he grunts, I smile sweetly up at him. I hate how right he is. I had been so positive that my feelings for him were one-sided. I hadn’t even given him a chance. I’m somewhat amazed he kept trying to talk to me, considering how I acted.

  Once we’re back in the ballroom, he drops his jacket off at our table and pulls me out to the edge of the dance floor. "I think you owe me a dance, Miller Lite."

  As we make our way onto the dance floor, Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat comes on. I stop and put my hand over my thumping heart. This song used to kill me whenever I heard it. Today, I have never felt luckier to be in love with my best friend. I don’t notice that the dance floor has cleared while we dance until the song ends, and I hear everyone clapping. Will kisses my forehead as Brian and Christine come over to hug us.

  "Finally got her to talk to you." Christine laughs as Brian puts his arm around her waist.

  I blush. "Guys, this is your day. Please don’t make a big deal about this."

  "Me make a big deal?" Brian hams as he walks over to the DJ and borrows his mic. "Hey, everyone. Let's give a hand to one of my best friends, Will, and my baby sister, Sarah. Will has only been in love with her forever, and it only took like a decade for him to seal the deal. To Sarah and Will."

  "To Sarah and Will," everyone exclaims raising their glasses.

  I turn my head into Will's chest. He lifts my chin and sweetly kisses me as everyone around us cheers. The rest of the evening, we are almost as popular as Brian and Christine. First, my mom and dad come over to gush about how they always knew we would end up together, and now this means I'll be moving back home. Will is trying not to laugh at me as I bite my lips and sweetly nod at every crazy thing that comes out of my mother's mouth. When she brings up children, my father pulls her away after I shoot him a pointed look.

  Once they're out of earshot, I raise my drink and say, "Well that wasn’t awkward, was it?"

  Will just laughs and kisses me. How is he so calm about all of this? We dance, and kiss, and can't seem to stop touching each other. His hand is either on my shoulder, or thigh, or holding my hand. When Brian and Christine leave, we join everyone outside in throwing birdseed as they get into the limo. They’re staying in a local hotel overnight and leaving for their honeymoon in the morning.

  Will turns to me once the limo pulls away. "Want to get out of here? We can get a room."

  Oh my god. "Um, I," I stammer.

  I want him. I do. I’m just not sure I'm mentally ready to do anything with him just yet. He sees my hesitation and pulls me into a hug.

  It's like he can read my mind. "We don’t have to do anything."

  He says that, but I have a feeling that is exactly what will happen if we're alone together in a room with a bed. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea, but I don’t want to leave him either.

  "What if we lay down some ground rules?" I suggest.

  He chews on the side of his lip. "What kind of rules?"

  "No sex."

  His eyes widen, and he glances up at the sky, taking in a breath before looking back at me. "Not sure I can agree to that one."

  I close my eyes. Something about the way he says that makes me picture him on top of me. Think of something else, sep-iras, Keogh plans, employer sponsored contributions. I open my eyes and lick my lips. The look in his eyes as he watches my mouth is not helping. I cannot be thinking of having sex with Will right now. This entire day has been crazy. I just need to clear my head.

  "Will, I just don’t think we should rush."

  His hands cup my face. "As you wish."

  I smile at his Princess Bride reference, but inside, I hope he really means it. As much as I want to throw caution to the wind and drag him to the nearest hotel, I am scared. I worry that Will isn’t grasping how difficult this may be. I've been on vacation this week. Normally, I work at least seventy hours a week, and I love it. I have done this to myself. I used work to replace Will, and now that he’s back in my life, I’m afraid I won’t be able to balance everything. Will had always been the spontaneous one. Me? I’m a planner. He threw out the idea of him coming to Denver like it’s no big deal, but how will he feel if I’m gone sixty percent of the time for work?

  "Could we go somewhere and talk?"

  He smirks at me like talking is the last thing he wants to do right now but shrugs, and taking my hand, pulls me over to my parents.

  "Mr. and Mrs. Miller, I'm kidnapping your daughter."

  My father isn't paying attention, but my mother beams and gives us a very saucy look. Mom! I shake my head and put my hand up when Will starts to say something. I'm processing the fact that my mother seems thrilled I'm leaving Brian's wedding with him. Will just seems smug. We go back inside to grab his jacket and my clutch. As we drive to my house, Will rests his hand on my thigh. The sensation of his hand there feels so familiar but new at the same time. On the drive back to my house, Will texts Brian to see if it's cool if we hang out at their place. Will has a spare key, and they’re staying in a hotel for the night. Brian seems to talk for a long time, but Will doesn’t tell me what he says, just that it’s alright for
us to go over there.

  Will follows me up the stairs and watches me as I throw some things in my carryon bag for the night. It's like he doesn’t want to let me out of his sight, so I'm not surprised when he trails me into the bathroom. I grab my toiletries and pause to meet his eyes in the mirror. I cannot believe this is happening, that we are happening. The last time I was as scared and excited at the same time was when I was with him all of those years ago.

  I want him, but even admitting that to myself is frightening. I start to pull the pins from my hair. He sits on the edge of the tub as I work at removing them before getting up to help me. His hands in my hair feel heavenly, and I'm pleasantly surprised to see there is less hairspray in my hair than I expected.

  "Sarah." My brown eyes meet his in the mirror. "Has there been anyone since me, you know, for you."

  "In what way?" I'm not sure what he's getting at.

  He's chewing on his bottom lip. "sexually."

  I pause, my hands dropping. "Have I had sex since you?"

  He drops his eyes and nods.

  There is no point lying. "Yes, I've had relationships over the last seven years, Will." I hesitate. "Have you?"

  He looks up and nods.

  "So," I start. "Neither of us has anything to be worried about, right? Just," I take a deep breath. "Did you get back together with Jessica after I left?"

  He makes a face. "No way."

  He grabs one of my hands and kisses it. When the last of the pins is out, I close my eyes and lean back into Will's chest as he drags his fingertips over my scalp and through my hair before resting them on my shoulders. My eyes flutter open as I watch him in the mirror, his expression hooded as he slowly sweeps my hair to one side and lowers his lips to the back of my neck. I melt against him and reconsider my no sex ground rule before pulling away.

  "You stay here or go downstairs. I'm going to change out of my dress."

  He starts to follow me. "You sure you don’t need help with that."

  I try to keep a straight face and point down the stairs. He pouts but turns and slowly makes his way down them. I go back to my room and pull on some jeans and a v-neck t-shirt, purposely avoiding anything with easy access. The less of my skin Will has the opportunity to touch, the better. Tonight is going to be all about talking about what happens next. Talking, not action. I pull out my phone and call Sawyer.