The Case of the Lovable Labs

by B R Snow

  “Ordered by whom?” Josie said.

  “Take a wild guess,” Jackson said.

  “Great. What sort of mood is Beelzebub in today?” Josie said.

  “Let’s call it demanding and leave it at that,” Rooster said. “But you need to get in there and get your instructions.”

  “We just finished getting ours,” Jackson said, shaking his head. “Oh, she made another slight change. Josie, now you’re walking down the aisle with me.”

  “That means you’re stuck with me, Suzy,” Rooster said, laughing as he opened the door. “You two have fun.”

  We stepped inside and saw Jill looking resplendent in her wedding dress pacing back and forth. Faith stared at us and gave our outfits the once over. She frowned.

  “What?” Josie said.

  “Your hair.”

  “What about it?”

  “You’re both wearing it up.”

  “Nothing gets past you,” Josie said, glaring at her.

  “I’d prefer it if you wore it down,” Faith said, putting her hands on her hips.

  “And I wish you’d shaved yours,” Josie said. “So, let’s call it even.”

  “Okay, guys,” I said, stepping in between them. “Cool your jets. We’ve got a long day ahead of us.” I approached Jill and gave her a long hug. “You look fantastic. How are you holding up?”

  “I’m a little nervous,” she said, wringing her hands.

  “You just relax and leave everything to me,” Faith said, finally breaking eye contact with Josie. “Now that you’re both finally here, we can go over how this is going to work.” She pointed at three chairs sitting in a row along one wall. “Have a seat.”

  “Yes, Commander,” Josie said, giving her a mock salute.

  “I have to say that your attitude sucks,” Faith said.

  “Oh, good. That’s what I was going for.”

  “Knock it off,” I snapped. “Let’s try to remember whose day this is.”

  “Thank you,” Faith said, nodding at me.

  “I was referring to Jill,” I said, shaking my head.

  “Oh, of course,” Faith said, her face turning red. “Absolutely.” Then she recovered and consulted her list. “Item one. As soon as the memorial service is over, the processional will begin. Personally, I think the song choice leaves a lot to be desired.”

  “What did you finally decide on?” I said to Jill.

  “Here Comes the Sun,” Jill said. “I couldn’t bear the thought of Here Comes the Bride.”

  “Good compromise,” I said, shrugging.

  “Nice,” Josie said.

  “I had to fight Sammy pretty hard on that one,” Jill said, laughing. “He wanted to do something funny to lighten the mood.”

  “What song did he want?” I said.

  “Highway to Hell.”

  “AC/DC?” Josie said, laughing.

  “Yeah,” Jill said, shaking her head.

  “That is pretty funny,” Josie said.

  “It’s ridiculous,” Faith said, then pointed at Josie. “You’ll be walking down the aisle with that Jackson guy. He seems to be a bit of a lumberer, so don’t let him dawdle.”

  “Got it. No dawdling with the lumberer.”

  “And Suzy will be walking with Rooster. What an odd name. But he seems like an odd man, so maybe it’s appropriate.”

  “Where do we go once we make it down the aisle?” I said.

  “You never listen,” Josie said, shaking her head.

  “Shut it.”

  “You’ll both be sitting in the front pew on the bride’s side during the Mass.”

  “Do we have to do the whole sit, stand, kneel thing?” I said, frowning.

  “Of course,” Faith said.

  “Just follow my lead,” Josie said.

  “I always get confused,” I said, scowling.

  That was true. I did. After all those childhood years, the mass rituals should have been second nature to me, but my subconscious had created some form of mental block. But I knew I’d probably be able to make it through the service without embarrassing myself if I copied Josie. I just hoped I’d be able to be convincing in this dress. Shrink-wrapped and floor-length probably wasn’t the best outfit for the well-executed sit, stand, and kneel routine.

  “Well, if you’ll excuse me,” Faith said, draping a large shawl over her shoulders, “I need to get out there.”

  “Where are you going?” Josie said.

  “To the memorial service. Where else would I be going?”

  “In the immortal words of AC/DC-”

  “Josie, that’s enough,” I snapped.

  “Given my history with Roger, it’s only appropriate that I should say a few words,” Faith said, heading for the door. “I just hope this shawl covers enough of my dress. I want people to be surprised when they see me walking down the aisle later.” She opened the door, then paused to look back. “Just wait here until I get back.”

  “Jill?” Josie said, staring at the now closed door.

  “Yeah?”

  “Are you sure she’s really your sister?”

  “She’s a piece of work all right,” Jill said, starting to pace the room again. “But my mom has been absolutely no help since we got engaged, and when Faith volunteered to be my maid of honor, I couldn’t come up with a good reason to say no.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” I said.

  “I’ll be fine,” she said. “I’d just like to get this over with.”

  I felt a wave of sympathy wash over me. The poor woman should be experiencing one of the happiest days of her life, but she was dealing with a dead guy who’d been sleeping with both her mom and sister and been poisoned during her rehearsal dinner. Now, her special day had been temporarily delayed by a memorial service organized by her mother.

  Note to self. Never mix weddings and memorial services.

  “Hang in there,” I said, patting her hand. “We’ll help you get through this. And it’s going to be great.”

  “I should be out there,” Jill said, staring forlornly at the door. “I’ve known Roger pretty much my whole life.”

  “Beelzebub would have a coronary,” Josie said, then held her hands out and urged us on. “C’mon, let’s put our thinking caps on. There must be a way we can pull that off.”

  Jill and I both laughed. Then I noticed another door on the far side of the room and a memory popped to the surface.

  “Hey, I’ve got an idea,” I said, heading for the door. “Follow me.”

  “Where on earth are you going?” Josie said.

  “That door leads to a set of stairs that go up to the choir loft. We should be able to watch the memorial service from up there without anybody noticing.”

  We slowly made our way up the stairs, and when we reached the top step, all two-dozen of the choir members, wearing robes and sitting quietly watching the memorial service play out below, turned their heads and stared at us. Millie, our new head bartender and a member of the choir, frowned at our surprise pop-in.

  “What the heck are you guys doing up here?” Millie said.

  “Shhhh,” several choir members whispered.

  “Sorry,” I said, glancing around. “We just wanted to check out the service.”

  “There’s no place for you to sit,” Millie whispered.

  “Shhhh.”

  I confirmed that there weren’t any empty chairs and nodded at Josie and Jill to again follow my lead. I knelt down in front of the first row of chairs and peered over the top of the railing. My dress protested in the strongest terms possible, and being on my knees was an incredibly uncomfortable position, but the view of the church that stretched out below was perfect. Josie and Jill knelt beside me, and we ignored the disapproving titters of various choir members who sat behind us.

  “Great dress,” Millie whispered.

  “Thanks,” I said, glancing over my shoulder.

  “I was talking to Jill.”

  “Oh. Sure, sure.”

  “Shhhh.�
��

  I focused on the front of the church where Jill’s mother was making short work of a quasi-emotional tribute to Roger. Her tears seemed forced, as did the catch in her throat that surfaced every few seconds. I glanced over at Jill who was watching her mother’s performance closely.

  “How close was your mother to Roger?” I whispered to Jill.

  “That depends on what time of day you’re referring to,” Jill whispered, glancing over at me.

  “What?”

  “Think about it,” Josie whispered.

  “Oh. Got it,” I said, refocusing on her mother.

  “Gentle and loving soul? What a piece of work,” Jill said, disgusted. “Too bad she never uses those terms to describe the living.”

  I glanced over at her again and couldn’t miss her scowl of contempt.

  “Okay, she’s done,” Jill said, arching her back. “Can we get out of here?”

  “No, let’s give it a minute. I want to see what the Princess of Darkness has to say,” I whispered. Then I caught myself and nudged Jill with an elbow. “Sorry. I shouldn’t be talking about your sister that way.”

  “Knock yourself out,” Jill said with a casual shrug. “You should hear what Sammy calls her.”

  Faith approached the podium that had been set up for the memorial service, and it was impossible to miss the fact that she and her mother barely acknowledged each other’s presence when their paths crossed. Faith adjusted the microphone then launched into a tearful tribute that was even more saccharine that her mother’s. Just as she was starting to tell a story about a moonlit night she and the deceased had spent together on a deserted beach, one of my calves began to cramp. I flinched and gripped the railing in front of me with both hands.

  “What’s the matter?” Josie said, giving me the once-over.

  “Leg cramp,” I said, grimacing. “Geez, that hurts.” I attempted to reach back to massage my leg, but my dress stopped me short. “Oh, my leg is killing me.”

  “Shhhh.”

  “Shut it,” I snapped, glancing over my shoulder at one of the choir members.

  “Are you okay?” Jill said.

  “Shhhh.”

  “I heard you the first time.” I grimaced as I continued to reach behind me in an attempt to grab the fully-constricted muscle. “Ow, that’s brutal.” I grimaced as I continued trying to get a hand on my calf, then I lost my balance and toppled over on my side. Trapped by the tight gown, I flopped on the floor as I tried to get back into an upright position. I was sure I looked like a hooked fish flopping on the deck of my boat, and Millie and several other choir members were unable to stifle their laughter.

  “Smooth,” Josie said, laughing.

  “I said, shut it. Now, help me up.”

  Josie and Jill got to their feet and helped pull me upright. I managed to stand, staggered momentarily on my heels, then looked out at the church below. The attendees were all turned in their seats and staring up at the choir loft. I made eye contact with my mother who was giving me a sad, angry shake of her head, then I noticed Faith gripping the lectern with both hands and giving me the death-stare.

  “Sorry,” I said to the crowd down below with a shrug. “Leg cramp.”

  Josie and Jill each grabbed an elbow and led me to the stairs. We made our way down the steps and back into the waiting room. I sat down on a chair and flexed my toes toward my head as far as I could and massaged the back of my calf.

  “Now, that was funny,” Jill said, sitting down and letting loose with a manic cackle that continued until Josie and I stared at her. Jill glanced back and forth at us. “I think I’ve hit the wall. Thanks, Suzy. I needed that.” She wiped her eyes with a tissue and sat back in her chair with her legs splayed.

  Seconds later, the door opened, and Faith stormed into the waiting room, closely followed by my mother.

  “Are you purposely trying to ruin the day?” Faith said, glaring at her sister. “That was disgraceful. Not to mention incredibly disrespectful to Roger’s memory. And don’t sit like that. You’re going to wrinkle your dress.”

  “Oh, stuff a sock in it,” Jill said, waving her sister away.

  “What? How dare you speak to me like that.”

  “Why don’t you do all of us a big favor and just shut your mouth?” Josie said.

  “Why don’t you come over here and make me?” Faith said.

  “Come over there and make you? What are you? Three?” Josie said, glaring back at her.

  “Darling, what on earth is the matter with you?”

  “I’m fine, Mom,” I said, massaging my calf. “It’s just a little leg cramp.”

  “Forget your leg. It’s your brain cramp I’m worried about,” my mother said. “What is it with you and churches? Every time you step inside this place, it’s like you become obsessed with embarrassing me.”

  “Dial it down, Mom. I’m in serious pain here.”

  “Pain? I’ll give you pain.”

  My mother’s voice had deepened, and I was now officially in the danger zone and about ten seconds away from getting the dreaded, young lady.

  “I’ve about had it with you,” Faith said, taking a step toward Josie.

  “People, please,” Jill said. “I’m trying to get married here.”

  “Just leave everything to me, Jill. I’ve got this one,” her sister said, taking a step toward Josie. “You want a piece of me?”

  “Be still my beating heart,” Josie said, slipping off her shoes and planting both feet firmly on the floor. “Bring it on, Beelzebub.”

  “I hope they have a wheelchair handy,” Faith said, raising her fists. “Because that’s the only way you’re gonna make it down the aisle.”

  Faith’s mistake was to lunge too early. She swung wildly and missed Josie by a foot. Faith’s momentum carried her forward, off-balance, and Josie took full advantage. She fired a punch that caught Faith right across the bridge of her nose, and she went down hard. Blood starting spurting from her nose, and she grabbed it with both hands, glanced down at the mess, then screamed and swept a leg toward Josie who toppled over with a loud grunt. Faith pounced on Josie, and they wrestled on the floor until Josie managed to get an arm free and hammered Faith again. This time, the punch landed on the side of her head, and the maid of honor ended up on her back, eyes closed, blood streaming down her face, and breathing through her mouth.

  “Enough!” Jill shouted.

  Josie climbed to her feet massaging her hand and gave Jill a sheepish grin.

  “Sorry,” Josie said. “But she had it coming.”

  “Stop. Please, all of you, just stop,” Jill said, leaning down to help her sister to her feet. “C’mon, get up. Geez, what a mess. You better not bleed all over my dress.”

  “Are you okay, dear?” my mother said to Josie.

  “I’m fine,” she said, rubbing her knee.

  “I wish I could say the same for your dress,” my mother said, pointing at a large tear.

  Josie glanced down and noticed that her dress had torn away and was hanging off her waist.

  “Ah, nuts,” Josie said, glaring at Faith who was still bleeding profusely. “Now look what you’ve done.”

  “That’s a lovely bra, dear,” my mother said. “La Perla?”

  “As a matter of fact, it is, Mrs. C.,” Josie said, pulling her dress up.

  “I have the same one in blue,” my mother said.

  “It’s really comfortable.”

  “It certainly is. It’s almost like you’re not wearing one,” my mother said, nodding.

  “Okay, guys,” I said, shaking my head. “Let’s say we hold off on the fashion chat for a while. Jill, why don’t you go get Faith cleaned up, and I’ll deal with Godzilla here. Mom, can you go see if you can find a sewing kit somewhere?”

  “All right, darling,” she said, giving me another scowl. “But we’re not done with this conversation.”

  “I’d be shocked if we were,” I said, shooing her out of the room.

  Jill led the wob
bly Faith to the bathroom, and I stared at Josie who was standing still and holding her dress up with both hands.

  “What?” Josie said.

  “Good punch,” I said, grinning.

  “Which one?”

  “Well, both of them. But the first one was my favorite.”

  “Yeah, me too. That second one hurt,” she said, then frowned. “We’re going to have to figure out some way to make it up to Jill.”

  “We? You’re the one that punched the maid of honor.”

  “Yeah, but if you hadn’t gotten that stupid leg cramp, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.”

  “So, now it’s my fault?”

  “That’s the way I see it.”

  “Nice try,” I said, making a face at her. “Do you think her eyes are going to turn black before we get through the photo sessions?”

  “We can only hope.”

  Chapter 6

  Faith got her wish.

  To say that the people on both sides of the church were surprised by her walk down the aisle would be a major understatement. But her plan to present herself as some sort of royal princess, not to mention the real star of the show, failed miserably given the fact that she was limping badly and her nose was packed with tissues. Dark semi-circles were already beginning to form under both eyes. In the end, she’d decided to wear the shawl she’d worn to the memorial service. She was furious about having to make the concession since the shawl covered her shoulders and the cleavage she’d wanted to put on full display, but the bloodstains that covered the top portion of her dress had forced her hand. She reached the altar and did her best to appear regal as she climbed the small set of marble steps then stood staring out at the throng. She held her bouquet high, then spied Josie making her way toward her.

  Faith continued to glare as Jackson slowly led the limping Josie down the aisle. While the maid of honor had definitely gotten the worst of it, the kick she’d taken Josie down with had left a nasty bruise just below Josie’s knee. My mother and I had managed to reconstruct the front of her dress, but from the back, the dress looked like it had gone through the spin cycle with her wearing it, and two of the safety pins we’d been forced to use reflected in the light. Josie made it to the front pew, glared at Faith who was gently pressing the side of her nose to test for blood, then winced when she turned to watch Rooster and I coming down the aisle. Still dealing with intermittent leg cramps, I wobbled my way toward the first row of pews clutching Rooster’s arm. Halfway down the aisle, Rooster glanced over at me, concerned.