Charcoal Tears

by Jane Washington

  Nobody answered him for a moment, and then Cabe swore in synchronisation with the heavy breath that Noah released, shocking me.

  “What the hell do we do?” Cabe’s footfalls sounded behind me, indicating that he was pacing. “Why didn’t we think of this? Of course this was going to happen. How did you know it’s been happening all night?”

  “I’ve been watching.” Silas sounded unconcerned. He shuffled me forward and extracted his shirt from my fingers again, nudging me toward the bed.

  I didn’t want to leave him, and as soon as he stepped away from me a cry rose in my throat. Cabe jumped forward and caught the hand that I had extended, and the despair inside me immediately quietened. No words were spoken, but together him and Noah bundled me into the blankets and then stretched out on either side of me, allowing me to hold their hands. The familiar scents of spring grass and sweet smoke lulled me, but I wanted to snuggle closer, and the blankets that they had wrapped me in were preventing that.

  “Don’t make me regret this.” Silas brought my attention back to him, and I flicked my eyes open, finding him standing by the door.

  There was a storm brewing in his dark eyes, but I didn’t understand why. It hurt me, but I was unable to properly feel the hurt. It was hidden behind the drugged-up haze that I now existed in, along with the unpleasant scratching that I should have felt, with my fingers securely locking Cabe and Noah to my sides.

  Noah grumbled something in reply, and Silas backed out of the room.

  “I don’t think he was talking to you,” I said dazedly.

  The boys didn’t reply.

  15

  The Searing Light of Day

  “Stop it, Seph,” Cabe sighed, pulling my blanket back up again.

  “It’s hot,” I complained trying to wiggle out of my blanket prison again. The need was still driving me, and they didn’t understand. I had already figured out that they weren’t feeling what I was feeling. They were normal. I was hurting.

  Cabe gave up and allowed me to escape, but him and Noah tightened their grips on my hands, like they were scared of what I would do. Truthfully, some niggling feeling in the back of mind was trying to voice a similar fear, but I couldn’t quite grasp the notion. Whenever I thought I was forming a coherent thought, it would slip away like smoke, and the driving need to be as close as possible to my pairs would return.

  “It’s not enough,” I harrumphed, turning on my side and nudging Cabe’s shoulder with my nose. Whenever I tried to move closer to one of them, the other would use my hand as an anchor, keeping me in place. It wasn’t helping; it was only increasing my pain, my need.

  “Noah.” I elongated his name on a plea, turning to the other side. He wouldn’t move closer, so I flopped back and sighed, though it came out as more of a growl. I tossed my legs out, trying to hook theirs.

  This made them laugh, so they allowed it, but it was uncomfortable for me, so after a few moments I rolled back to Cabe and tried again.

  “Why won’t you touch me?” I whispered.

  “We are touching you,” he replied, turning his head to the side. His eyes widened, and I knew that there must have been enough moonlight spilling into the room for him to see the tears threatening my eyes. “Jesus,” he breathed out, turning on his side, “please don’t cry.”

  A touch lit upon my shoulder, pulling me flat, and Noah’s face appeared above mine. “No, Seph.” He blinked as a tear finally escaped and tracked its way down the side of my face. “You don’t have to cry, we are touching you.” As if to demonstrate, he pulled our joined hands up for my inspection.

  Anger swelled up all of a sudden, swamping my head and forcing me to yank my hands free. As soon as the contact was broken, the anger was chased aside by a terrible feeling of emptiness, and I choked on a horrified gasp. Noah’s forehead fell to mine, his eyes were closed and tension was lining his forehead.

  “Tell us what to do,” he whispered.

  I was fighting off another sudden mood swing, and nausea began to bubble unhappily in the pit of my stomach, a rising need to scream unfurling in the back of my throat. My system couldn’t seem to deal with all of the emotion rocking through me. Unbidden, I recalled Quillan first explaining the bond to me.

  I can’t explain it completely, but we’re not built to have that much adrenaline running through us all of the time—and the power is downright unnatural. Having a pair gives us the strength to withstand it. The stronger your pair is, the stronger you are, and likewise, the stronger your bond, the more powerful your ability.

  “Seph?” Cabe called my attention back to them. Noah was still leaning against me, waiting for a response, and Cabe’s hand was on my chest, his expression alarmed. I could understand why, even I could feel the rapid pounding of my heart against his hand.

  “D-does t-this mean my b-bond isn’t strong?” I stuttered, my teeth wanting to grind together instead of speak.

  “No,” Noah answered, pulling back so that he could see me properly. “This is just a side effect of prolonging things. Your bonds aren’t fully formed, so there will inevitably be some backlash in your system.”

  “N-never happened before.”

  “You didn’t have half-formed bonds before. It’s different once you begin a relationship with your pairs and grow accustomed to them. You’ve had a lot of outsiders touching you today: people at the station, on the train, Tabby, Clarin, your brother. You just need to re-establish things, that’s all.”

  Outsiders? Nothing he had said had just made sense, and once again, it struck me as deeply wrong that neither Silas nor Quillan were with us, but I couldn’t hold onto the feeling, because Noah’s nearness was calling to me. He still half-curved over me, and I shuffled toward him now, managing to press myself against the arm that he had been using to prop himself up, until his chest was warm against mine. His breath rushed out on a half-formed expletive, and both him and Cabe grew still. I sighed, pressing my face against his warmth, my turbulent emotions calming, because I knew I had him trapped. He couldn’t roll away without falling off the bed… yet that was exactly what he did. He was suddenly on his feet, dragging his hands through his hair, and Cabe was beside him, pulling him to the door.

  They left me.

  A horrible chasm opened up inside me, and panic bubbled from its dark depths, spilling over to consume me. I felt like they had wrapped me from all sides in their warmth and then dumped me into an icy pond. I started trembling, and pulled the blankets around myself. It wasn’t enough, tears tumbled over my cheeks, falling over themselves in their rush, and soon it was hard to breathe. I sucked in air, and the blanket was wrenched away from me. The bed dipped, arms wrapped around me, and I curled myself into a ball, trying to make myself as small as possible.

  “You shouldn’t have left her like that.” Quillan sounded pissed off, and he sat back in the bed, tugging the blanket up around my shoulders. “She has two powers, two pairs, everything is going to be twice as overwhelming for her, and that includes the strain. What were you thinking?”

  Noah’s laugh grated. “I’ll tell you what I was thinking, but you won’t like it.”

  “We’ll see how you go,” Cabe added. “Do you need us to sleep on the floor so that you don’t disgrace yourself?”

  “Get out,” Quillan muttered. “I’ll be…” He trailed off because my hands had just slipped beneath his shirt, seeking the warmth of skin. “Crap. Get Silas.”

  “Yeah.” Cabe laughed, but it was a dark sound. “Good luck.”

  They left the room and Quillan grabbed my hands, pulling them gently away. “Not a great idea right now, sweetheart.”

  I struggled against him and twisted my hands free in one desperate movement, grabbing his arms and pulling them out, holding them down to the bed. I planted my shaking knees on either side of his hips and hovered over him, a tear dripping from the tip of my nose to land on his shirt.

  He blinked, and I could see a battle waging in his eyes. He was thinking of leaving me. I knew it. I
fixed him with a watery glare, and he let his head fall back against the headboard, a laugh tickling the air between us.

  “It won’t make a lot of sense to you right now, Seph, but you do not want to touch me in that way.” His laughter died off gradually, and he grabbed the back of my head, pulling it to rest against his chest, recapturing my wrists. “I know you.” His voice dropped to a whisper, and his hand passed over my hair. “The bond can go to hell.”

  The door opened as my eyes began to drift from the slow stroke of Quillan’s fingers in my hair, and I didn’t even have to look up to know that Silas was back.

  “You seem to be handling her just fine.” Silas closed the door behind him but didn’t approach the bed.

  Quillan shifted, and I heard the sound of a pillow thumping mutedly against the carpet. “Stay,” Quillan offered. “I’d rather you didn’t get arrested tonight.”

  “I can look after myself.”

  “Stay.” Quillan’s voice rumbled through his chest, upsetting my sleepy daze. I stirred, lifting my head, but he pulled it back down, continuing his stroking. After a long time of silence, I was roused once again when Silas grumbled something. Quillan laughed quietly. “You’re welcome.”

  When I woke up the next morning, Cabe was stretched out on the bed beside me, his arms notched behind his head. He was fully dressed, his soft brown curls still damp from a shower. “You should wake up Mr. Quillan.” He winked. “We’ll be late.”

  I froze, and everything from the night before slammed back into me with a rush. I sat up slowly, the arm around my back slipping. I had fallen asleep curled into a ball in Quillan’s lap, and he was somehow sleeping, even though he was sitting upright, his head resting against the headboard. I scrambled away from him, jumping from the end of the bed. There was a pillow against the wall on the floor. Quillan blinked his dark eyes a few times, coming awake, and I saw the wariness pass over them as they settled on me.

  “Seph.”

  I didn’t know what to say. What the hell had happened to me? My memories of the night before were unfocussed and confusing. I opened my mouth, closed it again… he was waiting. He was dreading what I would say. I glanced at the floor again, wondering when Silas had left, and why he had slept on the floor. The scratching feeling rushed back into me even though I wasn’t touching anyone, and I winced with the sudden shock of it. It descended into rolling waves to accompany each memory of the night before, and then finally faded. I stared down at my feet, Quillan’s words the night before filling me with relief.

  “Thank you,” I finally said, looking back up at him.

  The tenseness seemed to drain from his shoulders, and he nodded, slipping out of the bed. He glanced at the pillow on the floor and then seemed to ask Cabe a question with his eyes. Cabe shook his head, and the look of alarm that crossed Quillan’s features had my mouth drawing tight in fear. Quillan left the room quietly and Cabe’s sunny smile returned.

  “You going to get ready?” he asked me.

  “Sure,” I replied, not moving. “Where’s Silas?”

  He rolled his eyes. “You’re a little too smart, it’s annoying. If you hurry up and get ready I might let you hold my hand tonight.” He smirked and wiggled his brows at me, pulling a surprised laugh from my chest.

  “God,” I groaned. “Please don’t bring that up again.”

  I glanced at the little white clock on the bedside table and saw that it was seven in the morning. So it seemed that we were going to school after all. I flipped open my suitcase and moved all of my stuff into the walk-in closet, and then stuffed the suitcase under the bed. There was a bathroom attached to my room as well, and I rushed through a shower and brushed my teeth before dressing in a navy blue pleated skirt and a white button-down shirt. Cabe had been dressed very nicely when I had seen him; with a tie loosely fastened over his designer shirt and slacks. I combed the tangles out of my wet hair and towel-dried it into damp curls before leaving the room. I paused at the top of the stairs when a soft sobbing sound carried to me from the other end of the narrow hallway leading to the second glass room.

  I followed it curiously and then found my feet stuck to the floor as Tabby looked up from the bed she had been sitting on. There were tears running down her face and her eyes were red and puffy; her brown hair was tangled and her eyes were agonised. My mouth fell open and a sound came out, but I couldn’t form the words I needed in that moment.

  She swiped at her cheeks and managed a smile. “Sorry, darling girl, I didn’t mean for you to see this.”

  My feet stepped forward without my permission. “W-what’s wrong?”

  She waved a hand absently at the room. “These rooms were set up for the Atmá, but you don’t even know what that word means, do you?”

  I shook my head, and her eyes started to water again. Her head hung, and I got the feeling that I had just broken her heart somehow.

  “I thought so,” she managed, giving me another watery smile. “At first I suspected… I mean they had never brought a girl to meet me… but then I saw you with Miro and Silas, and you are the same with them. If you were either of their Atmá you wouldn’t be so close with all of them. It’s… it’s sweet the way they care for you.”

  I really had no idea what she was talking about. I walked to her and put a hesitant hand on her shoulder, forcing it to rub back and forth. She sighed and leaned against me, scrubbing at her cheeks again.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, wondering what I was apologising for and trying to push away my discomfort at having to touch her.

  “It’s alright, honey, you’re just an innocent in all of this. Their father has paraded so many girls in front of those four… before they were even two years old, they had arranged dates with other Zevghéri. And the things he did to Silas…” she hiccupped on another sob. “But it didn’t happen, and now they’re reaching the cut-off age. I don’t think it’s going to happen.” She sniffled a few more times and then squared her narrow shoulders and pushed up from the bed. “No matter.” She shook her head. “Go on down to breakfast. I’ll be along soon.”

  I patted her arm awkwardly and escaped the room, ashamed at my quick retreat. There had always been something a little off about Tabby, and I was trying to come to terms with the notion that it might have been sorrow all along. I could have asked her about the Atmá, or I could have asked about what Silas’s father had done to him… but it just didn’t seem like a good idea. Noah and Cabe had warned me not to say anything to her, and I didn’t want to have to lie to as the tears were still wet on her cheeks. I walked silently toward the dining room, not willing to chance any more encounters for the morning, and paused when I heard voices, trying to gauge who was within. It sounded like the boys, so I crept closer and put my ear to the door.

  “How is the bond starting to form? It doesn’t make sense, nobody has slept with her in that way, or even kissed her for more than a few seconds—”

  “More than a few seconds?” This was Quillan.

  “Yeah, Cabe kissed her, remember? When she showed her mark,” Noah answered.

  “That wouldn’t be enough to form the bond, and certainly not for all of us,” Cabe said.

  “It’s very strong.” Quillan spoke quietly, and I pressed my ear harder to the door to hear him better. “You all saw her last night. It’s putting pressure on her; I’ve never seen the strain affect anyone so badly as when you both left her last night. When I came into the room she wasn’t even breathing.”

  “I know,” Noah growled. “I was there, Miro. We had to leave her, before we did something we’d all regret.”

  “Speaking of…” Cabe’s usual tone of soft mocking was replaced by something with a sharper edge. “How did you fare?”

  “Fine,” Quillan answered.

  Someone grunted a non-committal reply.

  “Have you found out anything about prolonging the bond yet?” Cabe asked.

  “Not yet,” Noah answered. “It’s not exactly encouraged. I tried to enlist one of Father�
��s whores, but she wanted to do other stuff instead. He must be ignoring his harem again.”

  “That’s not good,” Cabe sighed. “When he ignores them, he gets all preoccupied with finding our Atmá.”

  “It’s worse for Silas,” Noah said. “At least Father likes Miro. He seems to hate Silas more and more with each year, probably wouldn’t care if he died and Miro got the Atmá to himself.”

  Quillan laughed, but there was no humour in the sound. “If he died, she would die too… and so would I… and because of our unique situation—”

  “We would all die.” Noah sounded thoughtful.

  “Eavesdropping?” someone whispered in my ear.

  I jumped, bumping my head on the door. A hand wound around my arm, drawing me back. I ran my eyes up the tattooed arm and gulped, meeting deep green eyes. Clarin grinned at me, highly amused. The door behind us swung open and Cabe looked out, surprised and then wary as his eyes landed on Clarin’s hand, still holding me.

  “Clarin?” He sounded pissed. “Could you be a little more gay, please?”

  Clarin threw his head back and laughed, and then firmly tucked my arm through his, drawing me past Cabe with a dramatic sweep. The others looked up, and Clarin tightened his hold on me. He led me to a chair and sat me down, dipping beside my head to whisper.

  “I don’t swing that way, mouse, but it’s fun to tease. Relax.” He squeezed my shoulders, and I actually did relax a little bit. He slid into the seat beside me.

  “Morning, Seph.” Noah stretched his legs under the table, trapping my feet between his.

  A smile caught my lips, some of the colour fading from the shame of having been caught by Clarin. “Morning.”

  Tabby walked in then, armed with two coffee mugs. She set one of them down in front of me, dropped a kiss to my head, and moved to an empty seat. Everyone blinked at her, but I smiled and picked up the cup, sipping some of the coffee. Tabby was either apologising or thanking me, and I didn’t really mind which. I liked that she thought of me.