The Great Hoggarty Diamond

by William Makepeace Thackeray

to go back to Bell Lane, where we two had been so happy together;

  and so good-natured Mary said she would ask my sister Winny to come

  and keep her company. At which Hoskins blushed, and said, "Pooh!

  nonsense now."

  But all our hopes of a happy snug Clematis Lodge were dashed to the

  ground on our return from our little honeymoon excursion; when Mrs.

  Hoggarty informed us that she was sick of the country, and was

  determined to go to London with her dear nephew and niece, and keep

  house for them, and introduce them to her friends in the

  metropolis.

  What could we do? We wished her at--Bath: certainly not in

  London. But there was no help for it; and we were obliged to bring

  her: for, as my mother said, if we offended her, her fortune would

  go out of our family; and were we two young people not likely to

  want it?

  So we came to town rather dismally in the carriage, posting the

  whole way; for the carriage must be brought, and a person of my

  aunt's rank in life could not travel by the stage. And I had to

  pay 14L. for the posters, which pretty nearly exhausted all my

  little hoard of cash.

  First we went into lodgings,--into three sets in three weeks. We

  quarrelled with the first landlady, because my aunt vowed that she

  cut a slice off the leg of mutton which was served for our dinner;

  from the second lodgings we went because aunt vowed the maid would

  steal the candles; from the third we went because Aunt Hoggarty

  came down to breakfast the morning after our arrival with her face

  shockingly swelled and bitten by--never mind what. To cut a long

  tale short, I was half mad with the continual choppings and

  changings, and the long stories and scoldings of my aunt. As for

  her great acquaintances, none of them were in London; and she made

  it a matter of quarrel with me that I had not introduced her to

  John Brough, Esquire, M.P., and to Lord and Lady Tiptoff, her

  relatives.

  Mr. Brough was at Brighton when we arrived in town; and on his

  return I did not care at first to tell our Director that I had

  brought my aunt with me, or mention my embarrassments for money.

  He looked rather serious when perforce I spoke of the latter to him

  and asked for an advance; but when he heard that my lack of money

  had been occasioned by the bringing of my aunt to London, his tone

  instantly changed. "That, my dear boy, alters the question; Mrs.

  Hoggarty is of an age when all things must be yielded to her. Here

  are a hundred pounds; and I beg you to draw upon me whenever you

  are in the least in want of money." This gave me breathing-time

  until she should pay her share of the household expenses. And the

  very next day Mr. and Mrs. John Brough, in their splendid carriage-

  and-four, called upon Mrs. Hoggarty and my wife at our lodgings in

  Lamb's Conduit Street.

  It was on the very day when my poor aunt appeared with her face in

  that sad condition; and she did not fail to inform Mrs. Brough of

  the cause, and to state that at Castle Hoggarty, or at her country

  place in Somersetshire, she had never heard or thought of such vile

  odious things.

  "Gracious heavens!" shouted John Brough, Esquire, "a lady of your

  rank to suffer in this way!--the excellent relative of my dear boy,

  Titmarsh! Never, madam--never let it be said that Mrs. Hoggarty of

  Castle Hoggarty should be subject to such horrible humiliation,

  while John Brough has a home to offer her,--a humble, happy,

  Christian home, madam; though unlike, perhaps, the splendour to

  which you have been accustomed in the course of your distinguished

  career. Isabella my love!--Belinda! speak to Mrs. Hoggarty. Tell

  her that John Brough's house is hers from garret to cellar. I

  repeat it, madam, from garret to cellar. I desire--I insist--I

  order, that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty's trunks should be

  placed this instant in my carriage! Have the goodness to look to

  them yourself, Mrs. Titmarsh, and see that your dear aunt's

  comforts are better provided for than they have been."

  Mary went away rather wondering at this order. But, to be sure,

  Mr. Brough was a great man, and her Samuel's benefactor; and though

  the silly child absolutely began to cry as she packed and toiled at

  Aunt's enormous valises, yet she performed the work, and came down

  with a smiling face to my aunt, who was entertaining Mr. and Mrs.

  Brough with a long and particular account of the balls at the

  Castle, in Dublin, in Lord Charleville's time.

  "I have packed the trunks, Aunt, but I am not strong enough to

  bring them down," said Mary.

  "Certainly not, certainly not," said John Brough, perhaps a little

  ashamed. "Hallo! George, Frederic, Augustus, come upstairs this

  instant, and bring down the trunks of Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle

  Hoggarty, which this young lady will show you."

  Nay, so great was Mr. Brough's condescension, that when some of his

  fashionable servants refused to meddle with the trunks, he himself

  seized a pair of them with both bands, carried them to the

  carriage, and shouted loud enough for all Lamb's Conduit Street to

  hear, "John Brough is not proud--no, no; and if his footmen are too

  high and mighty, he'll show them a lesson of humility."

  Mrs. Brough was for running downstairs too, and taking the trunks

  from her husband; but they were too heavy for her, so she contented

  herself with sitting on one, and asking all persons who passed her,

  whether John Brough was not an angel of a man?

  In this way it was that my aunt left us. I was not aware of her

  departure, for I was at the office at the time; and strolling back

  at five with Gus, saw my dear Mary smiling and bobbing from the

  window, and beckoning to us both to come up. This I thought was

  very strange, because Mrs. Hoggarty could not abide Hoskins, and

  indeed had told me repeatedly that either she or he must quit the

  house. Well, we went upstairs, and there was Mary, who had dried

  her tears and received us with the most smiling of faces, and

  laughed and clapped her hands, and danced, and shook Gus's hand.

  And what do you think the little rogue proposed? I am blest if she

  did not say she would like to go to Vauxhall!

  As dinner was laid for three persons only, Gus took his seat with

  fear and trembling; and then Mrs. Sam Titmarsh related the

  circumstances which had occurred, and how Mrs. Hoggarty had been

  whisked away to Fulham in Mr. Brough's splendid carriage-and-four.

  "Let her go," I am sorry to say, said I; and indeed we relished our

  veal-cutlets and jam-pudding a great deal more than Mrs. Hoggarty

  did her dinner off plate at the Rookery.

  We had a very merry party to Vauxhall, Gus insisting on standing

  treat; and you may be certain that my aunt, whose absence was

  prolonged for three weeks, was heartily welcome to remain away, for

  we were much merrier and more comfortable without her. My little

  Mary used to make my breakfast before I went to office of mornings;

  and on Sundays we had a holiday, and saw the
dear little children

  eat their boiled beef and potatoes at the Foundling, and heard the

  beautiful music: but, beautiful as it is, I think the children

  were a more beautiful sight still, and the look of their innocent

  happy faces was better than the best sermon. On week-days Mrs.

  Titmarsh would take a walk about five o'clock in the evening on the

  LEFT-hand side of Lamb's Conduit Street (as you go to Holborn)--ay,

  and sometimes pursue her walk as far as Snow Hill, when two young

  gents from the I. W. D. Fire and Life were pretty sure to meet her;

  and then how happily we all trudged off to dinner! Once we came up

  as a monster of a man, with high heels and a gold-headed cane, and

  whiskers all over his face, was grinning under Mary's bonnet, and

  chattering to her, close to Day and Martin's Blacking Manufactory

  (not near such a handsome thing then as it is now)--there was the

  man chattering and ogling his best, when who should come up but Gus

  and I? And in the twinkling of a pegpost, as Lord Duberley says,

  my gentleman was seized by the collar of his coat and found himself

  sprawling under a stand of hackney-coaches; where all the watermen

  were grinning at him. The best of it was, he left his HEAD OF HAIR

  AND WHISKERS in my hand: but Mary said, "Don't be hard upon him,

  Samuel; it's only a Frenchman." And so we gave him his wig back,

  which one of the grinning stable-boys put on and carried to him as

  he lay in the straw.

  He shrieked out something about "arretez," and "Francais," and

  "champ-d'honneur;" but we walked on, Gus putting his thumb to his

  nose and stretching out his finger at Master Frenchman. This made

  everybody laugh; and so the adventure ended.

  About ten days after my aunt's departure came a letter from her, of

  which I give a copy:-

  "My Dear Nephew,--It was my earnest whish e'er this to have

  returned to London, where I am sure you and my niece Titmarsh miss

  me very much, and where she, poor thing, quite inexperienced in the

  ways of 'the great metropulus,' in aconamy, and indeed in every

  qualaty requasit in a good wife and the mistress of a famaly, can

  hardly manidge, I am sure, without me.

  "Tell her ON NO ACCOUNT to pay more than 6.5D. for the prime

  pieces, 4.75D. for soup meat; and that the very best of London

  butter is to be had for 8.5D.; of course, for pudns and the kitchin

  you'll employ a commoner sort. My trunks were sadly packed by Mrs.

  Titmarsh, and the hasp of the portmantyou-lock has gone through my

  yellow satn. I have darned it, and woar it already twice, at two

  ellygant (though quiat) evening-parties given by my HOSPATABLE

  host; and my pegreen velvet on Saturday at a grand dinner, when

  Lord Scaramouch handed me to table. Everything was in the most

  SUMPTIOUS STYLE. Soup top and bottom (white and brown), removed by

  turbit and sammon with IMMENSE BOLES OF LOBSTER-SAUCE. Lobsters

  alone cost 15S. Turbit, three guineas. The hole sammon, weighing,

  I'm sure, 15 lbs., and NEVER SEEN at table again; not a bitt of

  pickled sammon the hole weak afterwards. This kind of extravigance

  would JUST SUIT Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who, as I always say, burns THE

  CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS. Well, young people, it is lucky for you you

  have an old aunt who knows better, and has a long purse; without

  witch, I dare say, SOME folks would be glad to see her out of

  doors. I don't mean you, Samuel, who have, I must say, been a

  dutiful nephew to me. Well, I dare say I shan't live long, and

  some folks won't be sorry to have me in my grave.

  "Indeed, on Sunday I was taken in my stomick very ill, and thought

  it might have been the lobster-sauce; but Doctor Blogg, who was

  called in, said it was, he very much feared, CUMSUMPTIVE; but gave

  me some pills and a draft wh made me better. Please call upon him-

  -he lives at Pimlico, and you can walk out there after office

  hours--and present him with 1L. lS., with my compliments. I have

  no money here but a 10L. note, the rest being locked up in my box

  at Lamb's Cundit Street.

  "Although the flesh is not neglected in Mr. B.'s sumptious

  establishment, I can assure you the SPERRIT is likewise cared for.

  Mr. B. reads and igspounds every morning; and o but his exorcises

  refresh the hungry sole before breakfast! Everything is in the

  handsomest style,--silver and goold plate at breakfast, lunch, and

  dinner; and his crest and motty, a beehive, with the Latn word

  INDUSTRIA, meaning industry, on EVERYTHING--even on the chany juggs

  and things in my bedd-room. On Sunday we were favoured by a

  special outpouring from the Rev. Grimes Wapshot, of the Amabaptist

  Congrigation here, and who egshorted for 3 hours in the afternoon

  in Mr. B.'s private chapel. As the widow of a Hoggarty, I have

  always been a staunch supporter of the established Church of

  England and Ireland; but I must say Mr. Wapshot's stirring way was

  far superior to that of the Rev. Bland Blenkinsop of the

  Establishment, who lifted up his voice after dinner for a short

  discourse of two hours.

  "Mrs. Brough is, between ourselves, a poor creature, and has no

  sperrit of her own. As for Miss B., she is so saucy that once I

  promised to box her years; and would have left the house, had not

  Mr. B. taken my part, and Miss made me a suitable apollogy.

  "I don't know when I shall return to town, being made really so

  welcome here. Dr. Blogg says the air of Fulham is the best in the

  world for my simtums; and as the ladies of the house do not choose

  to walk out with me, the Rev. Grimes Wapshot has often been kind

  enough to lend me his arm, and 'tis sweet with such a guide to

  wander both to Putney and Wandsworth, and igsamin the wonderful

  works of nature. I have spoke to him about the Slopperton

  property, and he is not of Mr. B.'s opinion that I should sell it;

  but on this point I shall follow my own counsel.

  "Meantime you must gett into more comfortable lodgings, and lett my

  bedd be warmed every night, and of rainy days have a fire in the

  grate: and let Mrs. Titmarsh look up my blue silk dress, and turn

  it against I come; and there is my purple spencer she can have for

  herself; and I hope she does not wear those three splendid gowns

  you gave her, but keep them until BETTER TIMES. I shall soon

  introduse her to my friend Mr. Brough, and others of my

  acquaintances; and am always

  "Your loving AUNT.

  "I have ordered a chest of the Rosolio to be sent from

  Somersetshire. When it comes, please to send half down here

  (paying the carriage, of course). 'Twill be an acceptable present

  to my kind entertainer, Mr. B."

  This letter was brought to me by Mr. Brough himself at the office,

  who apologised to me for having broken the seal by inadvertence;

  for the letter had been mingled with some more of his own, and he

  opened it without looking at the superscription. Of course he had

  not read it, and I was glad of that; for I should not have liked

  him to see my aunt's opinion of his daughter and lady.


  The next day, a gentleman at "Tom's Coffee-house," Cornhill, sent

  me word at the office that he wanted particularly to speak to me:

  and I stopped thither, and found my old friend Smithers, of the

  house of Hodge and Smithers, just off the coach, with his carpet-

  bag between his legs.

  "Sam my boy," said he, "you are your aunt's heir, and I have a

  piece of news for you regarding her property which you ought to

  know. She wrote us down a letter for a chest of that home-made

  wine of hers which she calls Rosolio, and which lies in our

  warehouse along with her furniture."

  "Well," says I, smiling, "she may part with as much Rosolio as she

  likes for me. I cede all my right."

  "Psha!" says Smithers, "it's not that; though her furniture puts us

  to a deuced inconvenience, to be sure--it's not that: but, in the

  postscript of her letter, she orders us to advertise the Slopperton

  and Squashtail estates for immediate sale, as she purposes placing

  her capital elsewhere."

  I know that the Slopperton and Squashtail property had been the

  source of a very pretty income to Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, for

  Aunt was always at law with her tenants, and paid dearly for her

  litigious spirit; so that Mr. Smithers's concern regarding the sale

  of it did not seem to me to be quite disinterested.

  "And did you come to London, Mr. Smithers, expressly to acquaint me

  with this fact? It seems to me you had much better have obeyed my

  aunt's instructions at once, or go to her at Fulham, and consult

  with her on this subject."

  "'Sdeath, Mr. Titmarsh! don't you see that if she makes a sale of

  her property, she will hand over the money to Brough; and if Brough

  gets the money he--"

  "Will give her seven per cent. for it instead of three,--there's no

  harm in that."

  "But there's such a thing as security, look you. He is a warm man,

  certainly--very warm--quite respectable--most undoubtedly

  respectable. But who knows? A panic may take place; and then

  these five hundred companies in which he is engaged may bring him

  to ruin. There's the Ginger Beer Company, of which Brough is a

  director: awkward reports are abroad concerning it. The

  Consolidated Baffin's Bay Muff and Tippet Company--the shares are

  down very low, and Brough is a director there. The Patent Pump

  Company--shares at 65, and a fresh call, which nobody will pay."

  "Nonsense, Mr. Smithers! Has not Mr. Brough five hundred thousand

  pounds' worth of shares in the INDEPENDENT WEST DIDDLESEX, and is

  THAT at a discount? Who recommended my aunt to invest her money in

  that speculation, I should like to know?" I had him there.

  "Well, well, it is a very good speculation, certainly, and has

  brought you three hundred a year, Sam my boy; and you may thank us

  for the interest we took in you (indeed, we loved you as a son, and

  Miss Hodge has not recovered a certain marriage yet). You don't

  intend to rebuke us for making your fortune, do you?"

  "No, hang it, no!" says I, and shook hands with him, and accepted a

  glass of sherry and biscuits, which he ordered forthwith.

  Smithers returned, however, to the charge. "Sam," he said, "mark

  my words, and take your aunt AWAY FROM THE ROOKERY. She wrote to

  Mrs. S. a long account of a reverend gent with whom she walks out

  there,--the Reverend Grimes Wapshot. That man has an eye upon her.

  He was tried at Lancaster in the year '14 for forgery, and narrowly

  escaped with his neck. Have a care of him--he has an eye to her

  money."

  "Nay," said I, taking out Mrs. Hoggarty's letter: "read for

  yourself."

  He read it over very carefully, seemed to be amused by it; and as

  he returned it to me, "Well, Sam," he said, "I have only two

  favours to ask of you: one is, not to mention that I am in town to

  any living soul; and the other is to give me a dinner in Lamb's

  Conduit Street with your pretty wife."

  "I promise you both gladly," I said, laughing. "But if you dine