Diamond Heart

by M. A. Hinkle

  “I don’t know what happened.” Morgan pressed his palms against his eyes. Usually, getting words out of him was as hard as pulling teeth, but he sounded relieved to speak. “I was having a good time. I really get along with Felix’s friends, and the concert was amazing. I was doing fine until I started thinking. I just—I couldn’t stand having people bump into me and look at me all of a sudden. I couldn’t stop wondering what they saw.”

  He pressed his hands harder against his face. “When I get up on stage for a concert, I know what to be. If I get asked a question in school, I know what to be. Even now with the play, I know what to be. But anything else… I always feel so empty. Like I’m this blank…thing. When I take off the suit or when I come home from school, I’m nobody.”

  He lowered his hands, slowly. On his face was an expression I’d never seen before. “But now, with Felix and his friends… I—I look in the mirror, and I don’t recognize myself, and for some reason, it feels good. But I don’t understand.”

  I sat next to him, tentatively, giving him space because I wasn’t sure he would stay put. “You realize it’s okay to have no idea what the fuck you’re doing, right? I never do.”

  “Yes, you do,” said Morgan, turning to me. I’d never seen him so intense, so focused, except maybe in the middle of a difficult piece of music. “You mess up a lot, but you know why. You understand why you feel the way you do, and you know enough about yourself to know how to change. And you might not want to admit it, but you have been changing. I heard you and Felix talking.”

  I covered my face with my arm. “Can we not, please? I am trying to bury our conversation.”

  Morgan’s brow furrowed. “But—you went along with all of this. You must like him, at least a little.”

  “I—” I like him a lot.

  Sitting still wasn’t helping. I jumped up and started to pace. “What I think doesn’t matter.” Morgan continued frowning.

  Well. I’ve always been the kid who smashed the sand castle.

  “Morgan, I’ve been hanging out with Felix because he’s got a crush on you. I know how much I’ve fucked up your life, so I was trying to fix it by helping you guys get to know each other.”

  “Why…why do you think it would solve things?” Morgan’s voice was faint.

  “Because, in case you haven’t noticed, Felix is the human equivalent of a puppy. And puppies make everything better. And also in case you haven’t noticed, you turning into a human being directly tracks with you spending time with him and his friends, so—you know. I thought it was working.”

  As usual, once I tried to explain, it all sounded so fucking stupid.

  I sat beside him again and put my head in my hands. “I’m trying to be a good brother right now and let you work this shit out without interjecting any of my own BS. But please, please do not tell me I made everything worse.”

  Morgan put a hand on my back but didn’t speak. When he did, his voice was calmer—only a little, but still. “You didn’t make it worse. And you’re right—his friends have helped me. It’s…I don’t understand myself, but I know I don’t feel that way about Felix. I don’t think I can feel that way about anyone until I figure out who I am. It’s as if—there’s this wall between me and other people. It’s why I can never talk.”

  His eyes widened, and he pulled away so he could lean over his knees again. “You mean—you mean this whole time he was—”

  “He wasn’t trying to get into your pants. But you seriously didn’t wonder why he was so tongue-tied—” I paused. “Well. It’s how he is all the time. But still.”

  “He doesn’t act that way with you,” said Morgan, glancing up.

  I could have told him the whole truth. Shame the devil. But, A) I didn’t believe in the devil any more than I believed in God, and B)…

  At this point, it was pretty obvious.

  I got up and stretched my arms over my head. “Felix would try to make friends with a rampaging bull, but there are worse people to know. Probably.”

  Morgan hugged himself. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to tell him.”

  “I dunno either. But he bounces back quickly.” Except now I knew it was a front. Shit.

  We sat there without talking, but it wasn’t a bad kind of not-talking. Morgan frowned the way he did at new sheet music, trying to memorize every detail before he even picked up his violin. I didn’t want to interrupt, but more bullshit would spill out of my mouth if I didn’t.

  “Uh…so tonight was a goddamn roller coaster,” I said, testing the waters. Morgan nodded. “Do I still need to worry about you locking yourself in the closet?”

  “I feel better. Well—” He dragged his hands down his face. “I feel shitty, but not that particular kind of shitty. For once, I know it won’t help.”

  If he was swearing, it was still bad, but he wasn’t anxious anymore. “I’m gonna go shower then. I think somebody dumped beer on me.”

  I left before he could reply. When I got into the bathroom, I locked the door and sank onto the tile floor, pressing my hands into my hair. Tried to make things better for Morgan, and I made them worse. Tried to make things better for Felix, and I made them worse. Good thing I hadn’t gotten to know anyone else, or I would have wrecked their lives too.

  Yeah. This was why I didn’t do nice things.

  Act Four: If Music Be the Food of Love, Then I’m Never Eating Again

  WHEN FELIX PLUNKED his stuff next to mine the next day during study hall, I didn’t take my headphones off. Not until he poked me enough so I could no longer ignore him. “If you want to discuss feelings, I’m going to skin you and make you into a cover for my next book, Don’t Talk to Gareth When He’s Ignoring You.”

  “Totally not a real title for a book.” Felix wasn’t even paying attention; he was rearranging his stuff. “And I should know. My mom wrote three, and they won awards. But we’re not talking about that.”

  “Lord, give me strength.” But I didn’t put my headphones up either.

  “Don’t worry. I made a list this time so I wouldn’t start talking about something else.” He did have a list, written in sparkly gel pen.

  “If other people didn’t talk to you, I’d think you were a hallucination.”

  “I’m used to people saying as much, you know. Everyone always asks why I am the way I am, and the answer is I refuse to change because other people think I should. But it is not on the list, so we’re not talking about it.” Felix glanced at his list and nodded, as though to double-check. “Thing number one. Was Morgan okay after. Um. Everything?”

  “He crashed, but it was all good. As far as his anxiety goes, we got off lightly.” I blew out a breath. Even if he and Morgan weren’t going to be boyfriends, I still wanted them to be friends. “He’s…he’s really been a lot better after coming here. With everything, not only his nerves.”

  “Okay, good.” Felix checked the first item off of his list. “Thing number two. So, my dad has been making weird stuff since my mom died, and also, he thinks I am super upset and not talking to anyone about it. I want to have some people over to make sure he’s not acting as weird as it seems from my point of view and prove I am in fact A-okay. And also, I need someone to practice lines with.”

  “If I was meant to single out something from your screed, you’re going to have to clarify, because I’ve got nothing.” I quirked an eyebrow. “Also, didn’t you just tell me you were upset and not talking to anyone about it?”

  Felix blushed. “Well, yeah, but if I brought it up, you’d say something dumb and mean to shut me up, and I want you to know it won’t work. But we are not going on a tangent.” He took in a breath. “What I was trying to ask is if you and Morgan wanted to come over to my place and practice lines. My dad’s been making cakes from scratch, and they are pieces of heaven.”

  Good thing telling the truth wasn’t my job—Morgan had all the facts, so figuring this out was on him, and Morgan had lots of practice letting people down easy.

  “Well,
I can ask him, but I don’t know what he’ll think. He does get along with parents a lot better than I do.” I picked at a loose thread in my jeans so I could turn away from his eyes. “You do know you can ask him to come over, right? I don’t have to be included. My advice is turning out pretty much useless now my brother has decided to forge a new path.”

  Felix blinked as though the idea had never occurred to him.

  “We’re not conjoined twins. And Morgan makes good impressions. I make parents have uncomfortable heart-to-hearts with their kids.” I paused. “Although, now that I think of it, Morgan used to hang out with a bunch of prissy straight people. Maybe they sensed the gay after all.”

  Felix twisted his fingers together.

  “Haven’t we already had this conversation, RE—you and spitting things out?”

  Felix sighed and slumped forward over his notebook. “My dad and my uncle already know all about you two, okay? I’ve…I’ve kind of been using it as a diversion. So they won’t ask me about other stuff.” He traced the design on his notebook. “My dad locked himself in his room for three days after the funeral. And my uncle pretends he doesn’t have any feelings, but he also thinks I’m not paying attention when I am, and I see how he looks.”

  I tried to think of a way to back out and came up irritatingly empty. “Okay, fine. Let’s pretend I am not the worst possible person on earth to discuss this with, because for some reason you decided I’m the person to dump this on.”

  “I didn’t mean to.” Felix hid his face in his arms. “But you make me feel like I’m allowed to have feelings and not deal with them right away. I can tell you’re uncomfortable, but you let me talk.”

  I allowed myself thirty seconds to call myself names in French and English, because French sounds sophisticated, but English has more bad words. Then I leaned forward. “Felix. Look at me.”

  He lifted his head, albeit reluctantly.

  “I’m a piece of shit. I’m not saying as much to excuse myself. I have a bad track record and substantial evidence to back it up. I’ve been trying to improve, but I doubt it’ll stick. Therefore, I’m telling you, if you are looking for another soft and cuddly friend to join your apparent legion of soft and cuddly friends, I’m not him. I am not secretly nice. I’m loud and obscene, and I can’t go two seconds without putting my foot in my mouth. But…”

  I sighed. “You need to talk to somebody about this, and if you don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone else, I’ll…I’ll listen. I’m just warning you, I will fuck it up. Maybe not right this second, but eventually. Hence why I’m saying you can hang out with Morgan alone. Morgan is nice, and so are you.”

  Felix frowned. “And what I’m trying to tell you is I can make my own decisions. Yes, I have nice friends and a nice dad and a nice uncle, and I would do anything for them. But they also don’t know how to handle me. Not all the time. Just sometimes, when maybe I have more complicated feelings than ‘I love everything and everyone.’” He frowned at the far stack of books. “Most of the time that is how I feel. But…it’s nice to hang out with someone who already knows there’s more to me.”

  I was glad he wasn’t looking at me, because I was gaping. I also didn’t want to say something awful to make him stop being so goddamn honest all the time.

  Maybe I really was changing.

  But I didn’t have to admit it. I slouched against the bookcase. “Then upon your head be the tragedy. I will ask Morgan whether or not he wants to, and if so, I’ll come with. Even if I think you’re out of your mind.”

  Felix smiled—only a little, but still. “All the best people are.”

  AS IT TURNED out, Morgan was okay with the idea. “From what I understand, he actually has a typical family. I’m starting to realize a lot of what I disliked about our last school was because nobody ever did anything. This is still a rich people school, but all the kids have a talent or interest, and his dad has a skill we could talk about, rather than discussing yacht prices and second homes.”

  I made a noncommittal noise to avoid admitting I’d hoped he would veto the idea, even though I did want to go over there. I was a snoop, but I was a snoop trying to avoid getting in any more trouble.

  “I’m glad you’re going with, though. I’m trying to figure out how to tell him no, but I owe him a good explanation because he’s great. I don’t want to dump all of the stuff going on in my head on him. It’s not fair, not when I can’t figure it out myself.”

  I passed a hand over my face and sat up. “Sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

  Morgan hid his face. “Not yet, no. I’ll tell you when I do. I promise.”

  I flopped backward again. “I want you to feel better, but I’m okay with no feelings for a while.”

  I didn’t have to look up to know he was studying me. “Did I miss something?”

  I thought about saying yes, just to be a shit, but it wasn’t his fault. “Nah, nah. You know me. I’m not jazzed about having someone new watch me set myself on fire.”

  “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

  FOR ONCE, YEAH, it was fine. Felix’s dad was a good cook, I did not self-immolate, and Felix and Morgan appeared to be enjoying themselves. Felix’s dad made gentle jokes at Felix’s expense and piled more food on Morgan’s plate when he wasn’t paying attention; Cathal grinned the whole time like he was never going to let Felix live this evening down. Maybe good parents existed after all.

  I WASN’T SURE what Felix’s bedroom would be like, but every inch of wall was covered in something, whether it was handwritten song lyrics or anime posters. It was also suspiciously clean. Crap was definitely shoved either under the bed or in the closet, but I obviously didn’t suspect as much from personal experience.

  Felix glanced inside. “Oh, crud, I was gonna grab Cathal’s chair before this. Hang on.” He went into the bedroom next to his and came out with an office chair.

  “How come you never mentioned your uncle was also super gay?” I asked. Morgan was standing perfectly still, his usual tactic when his host hadn’t explicitly said he could sit. I pushed on his back until he sat in the folding chair at Felix’s desk, then took the office chair from Felix and turned it around backward.

  Felix shrugged and sat on his bed. “It never came up. He doesn’t have a boyfriend right now, as far as I know. And he’s not actually my uncle. He was best friends with my mom, and her family took him in after his kicked him out, but uncle is easier.”

  “That makes sense.” Morgan seemed to have relaxed now we were all sitting down.

  I’d been worried about all three of us in a small room together because everyone but Felix knew the truth. But it was actually great. Forgetting my secrets was easy when we were digging into the text and trying out different reads.

  Maybe normal-person friendship was always this way. It made for a pleasant change.

  AS IT TURNED out, Felix’s place was close to ours, separated only by a big fancy park and the bridge. Therefore, the three of us ended up walking back to our place because Felix was trying to be chivalrous or something. I wasn’t sure.

  “I’m warning you, our place is obnoxious,” I said when we approached the end of the park. I would have spoken up sooner, but Felix and Morgan were talking symphonic rock bands.

  “Obnoxious?” Felix had his hands tucked in his pockets, trying to walk close to Morgan casually and not because he turned in Morgan’s direction like a flower to the sun. “How can a house be obnoxious?”

  “It’s a McMansion. My dad didn’t commission it, but he bought it, so.”

  Felix shrugged. “The triplets minus one have a big house too. And it’s a good thing they do because it keeps them from killing each other when Sebastian is home. I’m surprised you haven’t seen them around. They live nearby.”

  Every time someone mentioned the third sibling, I considered asking why the others hated him so much, but at this point, I was enjoying the mystery.

  “Uh…speaking of which, I keep meaning to ask you guys some
thing.” Felix turned around so he could walk backward in front of us. Even though I was pretty sure he was going to walk into something, I resisted the urge to yank on his shoulder.

  “What’s up?” I asked. Morgan never talked first, and he’d used up most of his words back at Felix’s house. “If this is the part where you try to ease us into necromancy, let me tell you, my schedule is booked.”

  Felix blinked. “Necromancy?”

  “You have to have a dark secret somewhere. It’s what popped into my head.”

  “Now I understand why people get confused when I talk.” Felix paused and then fell into step beside us again. Good thing too. He’d almost walked into a tree. “No, uh, it’s about the triplets minus one. And the band in general, I guess. We’re turning the tune Alex came up with at the concert into a full song, but he wants some strings. We were gonna ask his dad, ’cause he can also fake it on the violin, but. Um.” He gestured at Morgan.

  Old Morgan would have faked his death and moved to another country to avoid answering. New Morgan just hooked his thumbs in his pockets. “I’d love to. Do you have any of the music written out yet?”

  “To be honest, we don’t write anything down ‘til we’re done with the song. We say, ‘this is how it goes,’ and then we play it. Zach tries to transcribe things, but by the time he’s got something down, Alex has already changed it. And Sarah doesn’t show me the lyrics ‘til she’s certain she’s done with them. Even though I really want to know what she wrote for this hook.”

  Morgan nodded, as though it was not Grade A Felix Babble. “I’d enjoy it. It’d be a nice change.”

  Felix smiled one of those face-splitting, incandescent smiles. How could he have no effect on Morgan? It was like watching the sunrise. “Great! We practice on Saturdays. They literally live two blocks from you guys, so we can grab you when we’re ready. If you don’t have plans, I mean.”

  I put a hand on Morgan’s shoulder. The twin code dictated I wasn’t allowed to pass up an opportunity to tease him. Also, maybe Morgan could open up to Felix about his feelings. The LGBT Whatevers’ air of genial chaos didn’t leave much room for heartfelt discussions, but still. “Morgan never has plans.”