Catch Your Death

by Lauren Child

  The TV show was kind of interesting, in part at least, though the main character, Joe Little-Corn, should have been called Joe a-little-corny. He kept putting his ear to the ground and feeling the earth and leaves to get a sense of who might have passed that way. It was set in the past before the invention of the automatic washing machine and yet old Joe Little-Corn looked like he had his clothes laundered on a regular basis – as Clancy was keen to point out, along with all the show’s other flaws.

  ‘He doesn’t have a beard, but just when did you see him shave?’ Clancy asked.

  ‘And just where does he plug in his hairdryer?’ said Ruby, who found Joe Little-Corn’s long tawny locks with their perfect glossy wave just a little too much to swallow.

  Joe had finished his morning coffee and was now busy hollowing out a canoe. He was a quick worker and had finished it by lunchtime.

  ‘Oh, come on man,’ groaned Ruby. ‘No one’s gonna make a canoe in that sorta time.’

  ‘How long does it take?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘I reckon my survival trainer can do it in a day,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Can you hollow out a canoe?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘Sure I can.’

  ‘What about that?’ said Clancy, pointing at the TV. Joe was lashing together a tree shelter now.

  ‘Yep,’ replied Ruby.

  Once Joe had finished the shelter, a few minutes later, he took the canoe out on the lake and quickly caught a large sea bass for supper.

  ‘Can you catch fish?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘I’m not sure I could catch a sea bass in a freshwater lake,’ said Ruby. ‘That’s got a take a lot of skill.’

  It was true, Joe did seem to have the knack – not many people could catch an ocean fish in the middle of a North American landlocked state.

  ‘So if you’re so good,’ ventured Clancy, ‘I mean not as good as Joe Little-Corn of course, but still, if you’re so good, then why can’t you work out how to make it back home with or without your glasses?’

  Ruby shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I guess I don’t have that old “into the wild” instinct. I read all the books and did the training, but when it comes to it I sorta find myself. . . well, you know, lost.’

  ‘So what about Spectrum and your training?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘I’m still waiting to hear. I could be in, I could be out,’ said Ruby.

  ‘They’re just keeping you hanging?’ said Clancy. ‘That really sucks.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s the worst feeling,’ said Ruby. ‘Impending failure.’

  Chapter 17.

  RUBY AND CLANCY SAT AROUND FOR THE WHOLE MORNING. Mrs Digby brought up restorative soup and insisted on Ruby drinking some rather pungent tea; by 3 pm Ruby was suffering from cabin fever and was desperate to get out. She had taken some more of the Hitch nine-hour rescue drink and was feeling not so bad.

  ‘Mrs Digby’s never gonna let you out in your condition,’ said Clancy.

  ‘I know that,’ said Ruby.

  ‘It’s a pity,’ said Clancy, ‘it’s a really nice day and we coulda called in on Red.’

  ‘No pity about it,’ said Ruby, pulling her jeans on over her pyjamas.

  ‘Are you out a your mind?’ said Clancy, flapping his arms. ‘I promised your mom I wasn’t gonna let you step out the front door. She’ll be mad as a mad thing if she thinks I’ve lied to her.’

  ‘Don’t sweat it, I’m not gonna step out the front door,’ Ruby assured him.

  ‘So what are you doing?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Clance my friend, just do as I say and we’ll be sitting in the sun before you can say guacamole.’

  ‘Don’t tell me you’re gonna exit via the roof because I saw Mrs Digby pocket the hatch key,’ said Clancy.

  ‘Nah,’ said Ruby, ‘nothing so obvious.’ She was now fully dressed in hat and scarf. Her T-shirt, which bore the words no sweat, was concealed by a fleece-lined jacket and she was busy pulling down the blinds and stuffing a large pillow under the comforter. In the gloom it made a convincing human-sized shape. She took a long black wig from her childhood dressing-up box and placed it in the bed, spreading the hair across the pillow. So long as no one came too near, they would never know that the pillow and wig combination wasn’t Ruby.

  ‘OK,’ said Ruby, ‘you go downstairs and explain that you’re leaving ‘cause I’m a total flake-out.’

  ‘And what are you gonna do?’ asked Clance.

  ‘I’m gonna exit via the laundry chute. Just keep anyone from looking out across the driveway.’

  While Ruby fed herself into the chute, Clancy tiptoed downstairs; he did a very good impression of a person who was trying not to wake a sleeping sick kid.

  He gestured up to Ruby’s room. ‘If you go in Mrs Digby, don’t get too near. She’s sleeping super lightly and I had to practically crawl out on my hands and knees.’ He whispered, ‘You know how she gets if she’s woken.’ He made a face to indicate unpleasantness.

  Mrs Digby gave him a silent nod and Clancy knew he was in the clear. She had swallowed the whole story.

  He met Ruby down the alley that connected Cedarwood to Lime; Bug was at her side. Ruby looked kind of ridiculous dressed in a fur-hooded parka, hat, scarf and boots when every other Twinfordite was wearing shorts, sunglasses and flip-flops, but she wasn’t bothered.

  They set off towards Red’s place in Silver Hills – taking the short cut across the canyon. Once you dipped down away from the tarmacked road, you might as well be anywhere: not a house, not a telegraph pole in view for a half-mile.

  They were just about to climb up the other side when Bug froze.

  ‘Did you hear that?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Ruby, ‘but what was it?’

  Bug growled.

  ‘Do you mind if we don’t find out?’

  ‘Probably just a wild dog or something Clance.’

  ‘A wild dog? You say that like it’s a good thing. Dya know what wild dogs aren’t capable of?’

  ‘Responding to the sit command?’

  ‘They can’t resist ripping a person limb from limb,’ said Clancy.

  ‘Not me,’ said Ruby. ‘I’ve read up on the whole wild dog deal. The thing you got a do is stand still, don’t run, don’t look it in the eyes and keep licking your lips, your nose if you can. It’s a good idea to yawn too – a tired dog is a passive dog – that’s how they look at it, so the more you show them you’re no threat, the more they’re likely to leave you alone. Just lick your nose and yawn!’

  ‘Well, if it’s all the same to you, I think I might just head on back to planet earth,’ said Clancy. He felt the urge to flap his arms, but he stopped himself because he didn’t want to attract any unwanted attention from the wild thing.

  ‘Look, we got Bug here, OK? No dog in its right mind is gonna mess with us.’

  ‘Exactly,’ said Clancy, ‘no dog in its right mind. What if this dog isn’t in its right mind?’

  ‘Then we’re gonna have to climb a tree pretty quick,’ said Ruby, striding ahead. The nearest tree was about 300 yards away so Clancy broke into a bit of a run. Bug began to bark, his fur on end. He seemed to be urging Ruby to get a move on. The sound of the wild thing was getting nearer, or at least it seemed to be, though what with all the birds rising into the air at once and wild rabbits dashing to and fro, it was hard to keep track of what was going on. Ruby, sick as she was, picked up the pace and did her best to keep up with Clancy who was way out in front.

  Behind her, the wild noises continued, getting closer and closer, and Ruby was mightily glad when she glimpsed the tarmac road ahead. They made it up and out of the canyon without being torn limb from limb, though Bug didn’t relax until they made it back to where the houses began, his fur spiked up along his back.

  ‘I found him,’ said

  the voice down the end

  of the telephone line

  ‘And the creature?’ said Lorelei, pushing her pretty feet into her stiletto heels.

  ‘No sign of it,�
�� said the voice, ‘and our friend here won’t talk.’

  ‘Well Eduardo, you are going to have to make him,’ she replied.

  ‘You better come over and see for yourself; it might be harder than you think. He doesn’t trust you.’

  ‘I’m not asking him to trust me, I’m asking him to give me what he owes me,’ snapped Lorelei.

  ‘He thinks you have a dark plan in mind,’ said Eduardo, mischief in his voice.

  ‘Well, of course I have a dark plan. Why does he think I paid him in unmarked notes?’

  ‘He says he regrets his decision to do business with you,’ said Eduardo.

  ‘He’s going to regret ever laying eyes on me,’ said Lorelei as she slammed down the receiver.

  Chapter 18.

  CLANCY WAS PRETTY GRATEFUL TO GET TO RED’S PLACE; he was all on edge about the wild dog or Hound of the Baskervilles or whatever it may have been and he sort of slumped down on a kitchen chair like he had just survived some terrible near-death experience.

  Red’s mom, Sadie, was tense too, but this was because of the forest fire that had been reported on the other side of Great Bear Mountain. Nowhere near Twinford, and no reason at this stage to believe that it would be heading their way, but Sadie was already worrying about her mother, who lived north of Little Bear.

  ‘It all depends on the wind,’ she sighed. ‘Who knows which way it’s going to blow?’

  ‘Little Bear hasn’t had a major forest fire in more than a decade,’ Ruby reassured her, ‘at least not one that threatened a town north of it.’

  ‘I know you’re right kiddo, but I can’t help worrying,’ said Sadie. She looked closely at Ruby. ‘You’re pretty well dressed for a heatwave, aren’t you?’

  Ruby nodded. ‘It’s this flu thing I have. I just can’t get warm.’

  ‘I’m surprised Mrs Digby let you out,’ said Sadie.

  Clancy twitched in his seat and Sadie put her hands in the air. ‘I’m not talking,’ she declared. Sadie Monroe had a live-and-let-live attitude.

  Red and Clancy and Ruby hung out in the backyard until the sun got low. The Monroes had a great view of the mountains from their little house high up on the north-west side of the city. There was no sign of smoke from any forest fire and nothing to suggest trouble on the horizon.

  They decided to leave before Ruby was missed, and set off south down the steep canyon road with its pretty houses and wildflower gardens. The road, Vine Street, took them through Tripperdale, an attractive tree-lined walk with its vintage clothing outlets and record stores, a place where kids liked to hang out at weekends or after school. If you walked far enough down Vine, it would lead you to the beach.

  Clancy Crew was walking down the middle of the street, kicking an old tin can. Ruby was sticking to the sidewalk and had Bug on a leash.

  Clancy was telling her about the thing that had happened the night before at his dad’s ambassadorial shindig. Mr and Mrs Vincento had not seen the funny side and Minny was now looking at six weeks of staying home weekends.

  ‘That’s a riot,’ said Ruby. ‘How come you didn’t tell me last night?’

  ‘I only just found out. Boy, is she ever in trouble now,’ sighed Clancy. It was another scorching day; the heatwave had really set in.

  ‘Pardon me Clancy, but your sister Minny is not exactly a portrait of the smartest kid in town.’

  ‘Minny’s smart,’ said Clancy. ‘She can speak three languages.’

  ‘Sure, she’s school smart, but she’s not savvy smart. Fine, she wants to do bad things, but why does she get caught so much? Have you ever asked yourself that?’

  ‘You know when the temperature reaches a hundred and five degrees people go crazy,’ said Clancy. ‘They just can’t deal with the heat. I guess that’s what’s happened to Minny.’

  ‘You’re saying everyone goes crazy when the temperature hits a hundred and five degrees?’ said Ruby.

  ‘Not everyone obviously, but it is a temperature that people on the whole can’t tolerate; it’s a key one for sending folk off the rails,’ he said.

  ‘And where did you read that?’ said Ruby.

  ‘In one of my mom’s magazines,’ said Clancy. ‘It said, “Heat can really affect the brain.”’

  ‘What happens to all these heated-up brains?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘I don’t know, but if we stand here long enough we might find out. I mean I wouldn’t be surprised if some guy doesn’t come running down the road, screaming his head off and chucking stuff all over the place.’

  Ruby stopped walking and looked around.

  ‘Seems pretty quiet to me,’ she said.

  Clancy shrugged. ‘Maybe everyone in Twinford’s got air con.’

  When they peeled off Vine and rounded the corner of Breeze and Larch, Clancy stopped.

  ‘There it is,’ he said in a strange whisper. ‘The thing I want more than anything on this whole planet, the only thing.’

  ‘The only thing you want in this whole world is in that store?’ said Ruby. All she could see were bikes and bike parts.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Clancy in the same weird whisper.

  ‘I don’t get it, what are we looking at?’ asked Ruby, staring at the store window.

  ‘The bike, the Windrush 2000,’ sighed Clancy. ‘Cool, huh?’

  Ruby looked at him. ‘For you, that bike comes before world peace or the discovery of intelligent life on Mars?’

  ‘You know what I’m saying Rube,’ said Clancy. ‘This is the “thing” thing I want more than anything else.’

  ‘I guess it’s a nice bike. Yeah, I can see that, but I can think of a whole lotta things I want a whole lot more than that bike.’

  ‘That’s what my dad keeps saying. “Clancy, I can think of a thousand and one better ways to spend my money than on some blue bicycle.” I keep telling him it’s not just any bike, it’s the only bike, the only one worth having.’ Clancy had studied the bike catalogues over and over; he had literally gone to bed with them, slept on them and woken up with his cheek squashed to the inky pages, and he knew for a fact that the Windrush 2000 was the best bike on the market for a kid of his age. ‘Not only does it look cool, but it’s got speed too.’

  ‘Sounds OK,’ said Ruby, checking out the price tag, ‘but considering it costs a whole heap of dollars, I guess you oughta expect it to be cool and speedy.’

  ‘Sure,’ agreed Clancy. ‘But there’s more to it than that.’

  ‘One would imagine,’ said Ruby, blowing a large bubblegum bubble.

  Clancy didn’t say anything: he was just staring, almost hypnotised by the bike’s perfection.

  ‘What?’ said Ruby. ‘It’s got a nice shiny bell?’

  Clancy ignored that. ‘I mean Rube, it’s got these tyres, right, these tyres that are unpuncturable. You don’t need to be weighed down with a bicycle pump or a repair kit. Never have the problem of a puncture, imagine that?’

  ‘I’m trying,’ said Ruby.

  ‘You don’t believe me?’ said Clancy.

  ‘I believe you,’ said Ruby, ‘I just don’t believe them, the bike manufacturer guys. No one yet has come up with tyres that can’t be punctured. If you get that bike, don’t chuck away that puncture-repair kit man.’

  Clancy frowned. ‘Well, it’s the coolest bike I’ve ever seen and look at it, it’s that amazing blue. You can’t miss it. I got a get my hands on one somehow or I’m gonna lose my mind.’

  ‘Talking of crazy,’ said Ruby, ‘my mom said she saw a huge sorta pig run across our yard.’

  ‘What?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Some sorta huge pig-thing is what she said,’ said Ruby.

  ‘And where does she imagine this huge pig came from?’

  ‘Imagine being the operative word,’ replied Ruby. ‘She seems to think someone musta got themselves a smallholding.’

  ‘What did Mrs Digby say?’

  ‘She said, “Your ma’s been sitting around in the sun too long and the heat’s finally got to her.”’

  �
��I told you,’ said Clancy. ‘It’s the temperature: it’s making your mom hallucinate.’

  ‘So maybe you’ll get lucky and your dad’ll start losing it too,’ said Ruby. ‘Hey, perhaps if you offer to smile extra hard in his publicity photos he’ll get you that bike.’

  Clancy came to a dead stop in the road. ‘That’s it,’ he said. ‘That’s what I’m gonna ask him.’

  ‘Clance, I was kidding.’

  ‘I’m not,’ said Clancy. ‘It’s a good deal for him and it’s a good deal for me.’

  When they reached the side alley next to Ruby’s house, Clancy said, ‘So how are you gonna get back inside?’

  ‘Ah, it’s a breeze,’ said Ruby, pulling off her jeans and T-shirt to reveal her pyjamas. She stuffed the clothes through the open window of the laundry room and then walked up the front steps to the house.

  ‘Mrs Digby will hear you,’ hissed Clancy.

  ‘No way,’ said Ruby, ‘she’ll be watching Crime Hour by now – she won’t hear a thing.’

  Ruby, as usual, was right about this, and she easily made her way upstairs unnoticed. Bug followed noiselessly – he was a very well-trained dog.

  The door to the

  warehouse groaned

  its iron groan. . .

  . . .and spiked heels clicked on the stone floor.

  Bound to a metal chair was a figure, small in the vastness of the space. Yet, despite the uncompromising situation, this figure was still defiant, not yet broken.

  Not yet.

  ‘You. . .’ he uttered.

  ‘Yes, it’s me. Who were you expecting, the Girl Scouts?’ Lorelei laughed. ‘No, no one’s coming to rescue you.’

  ‘I don’t care about myself,’ he said.

  ‘That makes two of us.’ Her blue eyes twinkled.

  ‘I will repay you your money. I tried to. I came to your apartment, but you weren’t there.’

  Lorelei’s eyes narrowed. ‘You have no business coming to my apartment. How did you even get ahold of my address?’