by Calia Read
I picked up the fragments of my heart as best as possible, but I knew I left pieces behind. I have no other choice. If life has taught me anything, it’s that time runs and never walks, goes up but not down. I have to make the best out of this situation because I have no other choice.
Knowing the amount of debt was much higher than originally thought was still shocking. But I had spoken with Étienne. In his stoic voice, he explained what he discovered. He was careful with his words, but it was apparent, even to me, that Miles purposely mishandled the funds. It didn’t make sense. It wasn’t like him to be underhanded and secretive. It pained me to think he lived with the knowledge that our last name was on so many creditors’ lists and he felt he couldn’t tell me. But like most older brothers, he was protective. Likely, Miles thought he was shielding Momma and me from any burden or embarrassment. He never thought he would die.
Calmly and rationally, Étienne said, “Perhaps, you should truly consider the bachelors with a shred of earnestness. Even with your dowry, you would have a deficit of fifty-five thousand, but don’t let that number be defeatin’. Creditors will be far more lenient when they see a debt steadily bein’ paid.”
He continued to go on in great detail about each amount that was logged into the ledger incorrectly, as though I would question his findings. But I listened with one ear open because all I could do was interpret his prior words and repeat them in my head: the bachelor plan is your only plan. You’re out of options.
When I attended each date, I had more determination than ever that I would see this through. I would choose a bachelor, and I would find a way to pay each and every debt.
“There’s somethin’ I need you to know.”
Conrad looks at me expectantly. His dark eyes are searching.
“Whoever I pick … I can’t promise I will love my husband at once. It will take time.”
“I understand.”
I nod and look down at my laced fingers on my lap. He understands now, but will he understand after what I’m about to tell him?
As though he can sense the bleakness of my thoughts, Conrad places a hand over mine. “Tell me.”
“My family is penniless. And we have been for quite some time. There are creditors who expect to be paid, and I intend to use my dowry,” I say in one giant rush. Once I’m done, I take a deep breath.
Conrad’s silent. I watch him, attempting to determine what he’s thinking. Is he furious with me? Embarrassed to be in the same company with someone like me? Loudly, he clears his throat. “I wasn’t prepared for you to say that.”
“Does it change your role in the bachelor competition?”
“Absolutely not.” He leans in, lifts both brows, and smiles. “In all honesty, my family’s closest friends are swimming in a mountain of debt. Most of the Charleston elite are close friends with local creditors.”
I smile back at him. I believe there’s much more to Conrad. Much more than I ever realized.
His smile fades as he scans my face. “If you choose me, I’ll give you everything you want.”
To understand me means to realize I want love. Can Conrad give that? I want to ask, but I have no desire to be turned down by another man.
“I appreciate that,” I say softly.
When I arrive home, I find Momma in the sitting room having tea and reading a copy of LIFE. The moment she sees me walk through the doorway, she nearly hurls the magazine behind the settee and stands. She makes no attempt to hide the anxiousness in her eyes.
“How was your afternoon, dear?”
“Enjoyable.”
“And who did you see?”
“Conrad. You know that, Momma.”
I’m convinced Momma has each bachelor memorized by name, age, job and social stature. She’s no better than Serene. I think if she was to sit in a room with Serene longer than ten minutes, she might come to realize she has more in common with her. She might, dare I say, find Serene pleasant.
“Ah, Conrad. Strappin’ man. He’s one of Livingston’s friends, is he not?”
My face remains neutral at the mention of Livingston’s name. Inside, my heart soars at the sound of his name. When will that reaction fade? “I believe he is.”
“I’m astonished this man isn’t inclined to remain a bachelor for the rest of his life like Livingston.”
I wince. It can’t be helped. Momma is being humorous, but I know all too well that Livingston belongs to nothing and no one, and he prefers it that way.
“The ball is in five days. Are you prepared?”
I’m so grateful for the subject change I don’t mind we’re right back to the bachelors. “Do you mean to ask have I chosen a bachelor?”
Momma regards me for a heartbeat longer than normal. “I believe I have.”
“Oh, Raina, that’s wonderful. I’m—”
“I told Conrad we’re penniless,” I blurt.
Momma’s happiness dwindles. “What? Why?”
“He has a right to know.”
“And you trust him not to say a word?”
“Momma, I’m far too tired to care. If all of Charleston knows, let them know.”
She rears back as though I’ve visibly slapped her. I might as well have told her life isn’t worth living. To Momma, you may seem to have nothing, but you always have your pride and status. And I was willing to give that up just for a moment of tranquility and peace.
Standing in front of me, Momma grips my forearms tightly. “No, no, no. You’re not thinkin’ this through properly.” Her eyes widen imploringly. “This must stay private for now. Once you’ve chosen a bachelor and feel you can trust them, then you tell them the truth.”
Frowning, I step back, out of Momma’s grasp. “All I’ve done since the minute you’ve told me about our financial situation is think everythin’ through.”
“This is why you must continue to listen to me.”
Wary, I observe Momma. Seems as though the minute I began listening to her, things began to go awry. She maintained her innocence about having no knowledge of Miles’s will and the contents, but I’ve continued to have my doubts.
“Be truthful with me, Momma. Did you have anythin’ to do with this dowry?”
“Are you still goin’ on about that?”
“Can you blame me?”
With a tilt of her chin, Momma stares down at me as though she’s the queen and I’m one of her loyal subjects. “Fine. If you must know, I might have mentioned to Miles that your daddy’s will stipulated you had a dowry.”
Slowly, I tilt my head to the side. I knew Momma was involved, but I didn’t know in what capacity. “So you planted the seed.”
Momma narrows her eyes. “No.”
“Yes,” I persist. “You had Miles do your biddin’ so you can say you had no involvement.”
With each word I say, Momma’s face becomes a patchy red. “That is enough!” she yells. Pausing, she breathes deep through her nose and stares intently at me. “I’m your momma. I want what’s best for you even when you don’t believe it’s the best. If I have to be underhanded in my ways, then so be it. I’d do it again if I had to.”
“Has Livingston always been the executor?”
“When you were a child? Don’t be ridiculous, Raina. Livingston was just a young man. Your executor was one of your uncles.”
“So why Livingston?”
“Because sometimes you don’t see what is in front of you.”
I stare at her with disbelief. “You want me with him?” I holler.
“Well, who else?” Momma hollers back. “You’re goin’ on with the bachelor scheme. I thought this would end when you came to your senses, but that hasn’t happened!”
Momma’s telling me so much right now. I can only shake my head and stare at her in shock. “Don’t you remember? I told him I loved him, and he didn’t say it back. I put my heart out there for him to hold, and he let it fall and watched it shatter.”
“Raina.” Momma opens her arms to me. She pats my back
before she pulls away, holding me at arm’s length. “I know you’re heartbroken, but I don’t think you should act in haste. I believe Livingston cares for you.”
I make a slow circle around the room. “Interestin’. I haven’t seen him once since we came back. If he cares, he does a remarkable job of hidin’ it.”
“You are a complicated person to love, and so is he. I might be upset with him right now for hurtin’ you, but I’ve watched him grow up. I love him too. I’ve seen you both lose so much. I’ve seen the two of you hold onto one another when you could have pulled apart. I think that’s important to remember.”
I didn’t want to remember anything that would give me hope. Hope would light a candle of faith that maybe Livingston might love me. And how long will that be?
“He loves you, too,” Momma insists. “Why the stubborn boy didn’t say it, I don’t know. But he does.”
My heart was thumping wildly in my chest. This was all too much. Placing my hand over hers, I give her a weak smile. “I appreciate everythin’ you’re sayin’. But I don’t think we’re meant to be.”
“Rainey, you need to go to him.”
I shake my head. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“All my life, I’ve watched women cave. Cave to society, cave for families, and cave for love. I thought I would never be like that but look at me.” I spread my arms. “Look at me. All I do is cave. I’ve had more dates over the past sixty days than I’ve had in six years just to protect my family from public ridicule.” I take a deep breath. “If I seem stubborn, it’s because I am. If I appear hurt, it’s because I am because I know my worth, and it’s more than this.”
Momma’s mouth opens and closes. I’ve stunned her to silence. After a few seconds, she dips her head. “Very well. Just promise me that before the ball, you truly think this through. I can try to lead you in life, but I can never lead your heart.”
“I promise.”
“I believe I’ll go retire to my private quarters for the rest of the afternoon. I trust I’ll see you for dinner?”
I nod and watch Momma mold back into the calm and composed Southern lady I’ve always known her to be. If I didn’t feel her arms around me minutes ago, I would have questioned whether the moment happened, and I saw the brief display of emotion.
Once Momma leaves the room, I promptly sag against the wall and close my eyes. I want to go to Livingston right this instant. I want to tell him about my day, and when I’m finished, I want to feel his arms around me.
I want to, but I can’t.
CHAPTER FORTY
Livingston
A clear mind, one that’s not muddled by alcohol, is far more unnerving than I ever anticipated.
If I’m being honest, I haven’t faced my thoughts and emotional upheaval since my brother and parents died. There was so much to do, and when I grew restless, there was always a willing woman and liquor cabinet that could be opened. It became a comfort, a way to alleviate all my pain. But I knew something was wrong with me. The war just brought it out of me.
I don’t want to live in fear of the past, but I don’t know anything else. Reminders are everywhere. A specific scent can immediately bring back moments from the trenches. Once, there was a large crash directly outside my office window. The next thing I knew, I was crouching behind my desk for cover. After several deep breaths, I stood. Sweat made my shirt cling to my back. I’m beginning to believe the shadow of my nightmares will always follow me.
Over and over again, I would remind myself that I wasn’t there. I was safe. I was still alive. And then I would occupy my time by doing something that was rarely expected of me: I begin to plan for the future.
My steps are sure and oddly confident as I walk down the street. It certainly isn’t derived from my sleepless nights. Just last night alone I reached for Rainey over three times only for my hand to meet empty space. She really wasn’t beside me.
No, my confidence is born from my recent decision. When I walk through the door of my brother’s company, EAL Corporation, my grip on the folder tightens as though the papers are going to fly out of my hand.
The receptionist, Myrtle, looks at me dubiously. She was hired shortly after the war broke out, and it looks as if she could be my mother’s age. Every time I come in here, she frowns at me as though I’m up to no good and will only distract Étienne and his employees. In the past, she might’ve been justified, but today I came for a reason.
“I’m here to visit with the man who refuses to smile,” I say to Myrtle before I walk past her and head directly to Étienne’s office.
“Good mornin’,” I greet as I shut the door behind me.
Étienne lifts his head and then immediately glances at the clock on his desk. “Mornin’,” he says, surprise coating his words.
“Yes, I am aware of what time it is,” I say as I sit across from him. “And no, I’m not sufferin’ from the effects of alcohol.”
“I wasn’t goin’ to say that. You look remarkably clearheaded. Which is interestin’ considerin’ Rainey has to choose a bachelor in …” Étienne clucks his tongue as he tallies the days. “Six days?”
“Three,” I immediately reply. I have the deadline memorized.
“Three days,” Étienne repeats.
I drum my fingers on the leather-bound folder on my lap. I didn’t come here to discuss Rainey. All I seem to do is think about her. She needs space, and that’s precisely what I’ve given her. The days haven’t become easier though. Even before I claimed her bed as my own, her place in my life felt like the ground beneath my feet. Always there, unwavering and strong. Without our sparring, I felt lost, wildly reaching for anything to break my fall.
Had I felt this way before? No. I didn’t stay long enough with a woman to find out. I entertained the idea of bringing home a woman, but the desire wasn’t there as it typically is. But it will be. The second I’m able to disregard what it is I feel for Rainey.
My brother whistles, pulling me from my thoughts. “That’s certainly a short period of time to find a husband.”
I lift a shoulder, attempting to appear indifferent. “It’s her choice.”
“I think we both know it’s not, though.” He looks at me carefully. “The most interestin’ thing has occurred since you came back from Savannah. Suddenly, Rainey has turned to me as though I’m the executor of her will and askin’ me about her family’s accounts. Any reason for that?”
Twins are connected in such a way that they know when the other is hurting or hiding the truth. Between the two of us, Étienne was more adept at recognizing when something was wrong. He can regard me for a matter of seconds and just know.
“What happened?” he asks, his voice flat.
“Nothin’.”
Étienne narrows his eyes. “Lies.”
“There are no lies,” I lie.
Étienne shakes his head before I finish my sentence and goes about organizing papers on his desk. “You can be deceitful if you wish, but I think you’re forgettin’ who my wife is. Serene tells me everythin’.”
I rub both hands down my face. “Why inquire when you already know the answer?”
Étienne lifts a shoulder. “I wanted to hear if you might have anythin’ else to say.”
“I don’t.” I sit a bit straighter in my chair. Prepared to endure the weight of my brother’s stare. At the last moment, I decide to speak. “I made several missteps with Rainey. I won’t deny that. She’s upset with me and told me to never speak with her, but in time, she’ll realize this is all for the best. Right?”
Étienne continues to regard me.
“Yes, it’s better this way … you helpin’ her with the finances and givin’ advice. I offered her a loan, and she declined. I tried to give her another option.”
“I think we both now realize she and Mrs. Pleasonton are in deeper than we imagined.”
Closing my eyes, I roll my neck. “I know.”
“It’s bad, Livingston.”
; Étienne proceeds to pull out the Pleasonton ledgers in his possession. “There are legitimate miscalculations that could have been caught if their accountant went over the books again. But then …” Frowning, Étienne pours through the pages before he points at an entry toward the bottom of the page. “You have this and this.” He points at one last invoice. “This service was to pay for new drapes in the sittin’ room. Instead of deductin’ from the already inaccurate total amount, the same amount from the line above was used. There are mistakes like that on nearly every page.”
“So transactions were bein’ undisclosed.”
Étienne nods. “And not very well.”
“I miss Pleas dearly, but for the life of me I can’t figure out why he allowed this.”
“I don’t think we’ll ever know.”
“Have you explained this to Rainey?”
“To the full extent? No. Besides, she and Serene have been runnin’ about the house speakin’ of nothin’ but the ball.”
I tilt my head to the side. “That so?”
Étienne nods. “If I hear about Rainey’s gown for this ball one more time, I might lock myself in my office and not come out until all of this is over.”
I’ve never cared much for women’s clothing. Just what was underneath. But it was torture not knowing what she’d be wearing simply because I knew whatever it was it’d be to entice and put all eyes on her. And any color on her would be flattering. Red would accentuate her cheeks when she inevitably becomes miffed by one of the bachelor’s opinions. If she would be bold enough—and I wouldn’t put it past her—to wear black, it would blend with her dark hair and highlight her creamy skin. The color blue merely brings attention to her beautiful eyes. Dear Lord, am I truly losing my mind over the color of her gown?
“If I was a bettin’ man,” my brother continues, “I’d say they’re at Belgrave havin’ another fittin’ or Serene is helpin’ Rainey prepare for her next date with one of her bachelors.”
Inaudibly, I swallow. “Pardon?
“The bachelors,” my brother repeats with zero enthusiasm. His eyes flick in my direction. “Surely, you didn’t think Rainey would cease seein’ the bachelors because you’re not speakin’ to her? If anythin’, the men have been circlin’ her even more.” Étienne is watching my every move. I need to appear indifferent, but his words are making that remarkably difficult.