by Calia Read
Breathing deep through my nose, I look in the direction of the window and count to ten.
“In fact, last night Serene said she had a pleasant time with one of the bachelors. Somethin’ about a love match.” He suppresses a sigh and shakes his head.
All I hear is love match. Serene said nearly the same thing when I was visiting with her. “Who is the bachelor?”
Étienne’s gaze veers toward the corner of the ceiling as he thinks of the name. For being such a smart man, he’s taking a remarkably long time to answer. “I don’t recall. Aidan, Beau, or Conrad, perhaps? The name started with one of the beginnin’ letters of the alphabet.” My brother shrugs. It’s of no importance to him.
Sixty days ago, my response would’ve been vastly different. Relief is the first word that comes to mind. Being Rainey’s executor wouldn’t be looming over my head. That would be cause to celebrate.
Right now, the sixty days seemed to have gone far too quickly. A part of me expected for it to never get this far. Either Étienne or I would find an inconsistency in her family’s ledgers and discover money hidden somewhere. All we discovered was they were deeper in debt. And when I try to think which bachelor it could possibly be that is a love match, none of them have a perfect place beside Rainey.
“Everythin’ all right?”
“Absolutely,” I bite out.
“Because you look furious.”
“I’m not,” I lie.
“Well, you should be.”
I arch a brow. “If my family could tell me how to appropriately respond with anythin’ pertainin’ to Rainey, I would greatly appreciate it. When the bachelors first came about, I wasn’t open enough to the idea, and now I’m not furious enough?”
Étienne gives me a sardonic smirk. “Which, I might add, you came to Serene for help. She didn’t embed herself into what this bachelor debacle has become.”
He had a valid point. “Do I regret includin’ Serene? Yes. Do I wish I had a more effective plan for Rainey? Absolutely. But the truth is, I didn’t.”
“Don’t ask yourself easy questions you already know the answers to.” Étienne sighs before he continues. “It’s unmistakable to anyone with a pair of eyes that you care for Rainey.”
“Of course, I care for her.” My pulse thrums beneath my skin because I know we’re getting far too close to the truth.
“But what’s preventin’ you from bein’ with her?”
Dragging a hand down my face, I sigh. War has woven its way into my soul, but so has this woman. The two can’t inhabit the same space. It just isn’t possible. They both are too demanding. All for different reasons. And the very idea of Rainey encountering that side makes me shudder. I’ve opened up to her about a select amount of stories, but those were only just the beginning.
Tired of the constant internal push and pull, I slap my palms on my knees. “I love her. That’s the truth!” Worn down, I sag against the chair. “Are you pleased with yourself? I love her.”
To my brother’s credit, he doesn’t look satisfied with my misery. Just continues to solemnly watch me. “Have you told her this?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because it seems as though everyone I love, I lose!”
Spoken out into the world, my fears don’t seem so big. They’re small and inadequate and are impossible to get back. Between the two of them, this one is my biggest fear. The way I see it, when it comes to people I love, I’m simply not unlucky, just born without luck. Slowly, but surely, people passed. Always unexpected and no less devastating. It seemed short-lived to love her with everything inside me when she was bound to be ripped away from me.
I know my fears are foolish, but my confession has been told to the right person. No one knows better how I feel than my brother.
Étienne becomes quiet. He leans back in his chair, thoughtfully rubbing his stubble on his jaw.
“You’re right. I’m not goin’ to say you’re wrong. You’re right. But can I be honest with you?”
I hold my hands out in front of me. “Please do. That’s why I’m here.”
“Maybe our loss allows us to love with more intention. The truth is, the most dangerous love is the one that causes you to be vulnerable. And that’s all love. In the end, it’s the most profound. I promise you. If you refuse to believe me and be stubborn like most Lacroix men, that’s all right. Live in the purgatory you’ve created for yourself or accept the love this woman has and wants to give to you.” Étienne takes a breath and lifts his shoulders. His somber expression never wavers. “And besides, this is Rainey. She’s awfully similar to my own wife. I don’t picture her comin’ back and professin’ her love to you once again.”
He leans in and holds his index finger up. “You have one opportunity.”
I straighten in my seat and feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand. Because that opportunity came and went in Savannah in the pouring rain.
Swallowing, I look away. “I know that.”
“Good. Now, what’s in the folder?”
It was only a matter of time before Étienne noticed the folder. I’m simply surprised it took this long. I wave the folder in the air before I place it on the desk. “I’m here for two things. The first is that I’ve come to a decision, and it requires your help.”
Étienne is wary as he slides the folder across the desk. “You haven’t found yourself the executor of another dowry, have you?” he asks dryly.
“God, no.” Impatiently, I fling a hand to the folder. “Just take a look.”
Once again, his curiosity gets the best of him, and he opens the folder. It only takes a minute at best for Étienne to understand what my intent is. By the time he turns to the second page, his lips are drawn into a thin line, and one thick brow is arched.
His eyes veer between the papers in his hands and back to me. Ever so slightly, he shakes his head. “You’re sellin’ your shares of AT&T?”
“Absolutely.”
Étienne looks at me with disbelief. “This isn’t somethin’ you can nullify. Once the papers are signed, they’re signed.”
“I’m quite aware of how documents work.”
“I’m beginnin’ to think you don’t,” Étienne mutters under his breath.
“I’m beginnin’ to think you underestimate me far too often.” From there, I tell my brother my intentions. My plans are broad, and by all accounts, I’m taking a tremendous risk. But I have a plan. One I’ve thought over carefully. The longer I talk, the broader Étienne’s smile becomes. And by the time I finish, something close to respect fills his eyes.
“I have to admit I was skeptical at first. But I believe you’ve thought this through. I’ll help you.”
My shoulders sag with relief.
“You’re right, though. This is a tremendous risk but quite possibly the best one you can take. Now go to Rainey and tell her you’re sorry for everythin’.”
A headache starts to build near my temples. I could explain how I feel a hundred times over, but Étienne wouldn’t understand. He’s happily married to his soulmate.
I look out the window. “I’m loving her the best way I know how.” I take a deep breath. “From afar.”
“I thought Serene and I were bound to love from afar, and I almost lost her.”
I turn around. “Yes, but—”
Étienne holds up a hand. “I know. It’s different. But is it really? You’re about to lose the love of your life out of sheer stubbornness.”
“I will talk to her. Not today but soon, all right?”
Étienne nods, pleased with my reply. He drums his fingertips on his desk, his attention moving back to the leather-bound folder. “What is the second thing you wished to speak with me about?”
Clearing my throat, I say, “I think we both know that my occupation at the family shipping company was not workin’ out.”
My brother dips his head. “Fair enough.”
“I went to college and received the same degree as you, but I
was merely the spare to the heir.”
At that, Étienne winces. “I wish you wouldn’t say that. Mere minutes separate us. I just happened to arrive first.”
“Thank God for that. I couldn’t handle the pressures you face. I’m not equipped to run a business.”
“What are you made for?”
“To find you clients for your business,” I reply.
Étienne leans back in his chair and lifts a brow. “Why do I need your help to find clients?”
“Because you have the charm of a hedgehog mixed with a cactus.”
“You flatter me,” Étienne says dryly.
“But I can speak to anyone about anythin’. You find the task of conversin’ painful and tedious, do you not?”
With his fingers steepled together, Étienne watches me carefully. He’s intrigued to say the least. “I can’t argue with that.”
I go in for the kill. “Your primary concerns are businesses you can invest in with capital and returns. With me, my responsibility would be to keep consistent communication with your clients and findin’ new leads.”
I have the pleasure of seeing the complete surprise on my brother’s face. Just because I didn’t want to manage a business didn’t mean I wasn’t aware of the inner workings.
“Asa helps me find new leads.”
“Asa is consumed with AT&T,” I counter.
For several minutes, Étienne is quiet. I can see the wheels in his head working, processing what I’ve told him. There’s a high probability he will decline. Étienne prefers to handle every aspect of the business on his own, and every person who was hired had remarkable resumes and glowing references. I would be not be an exception because I was his brother.
“All right.” Étienne leans forward and extends his hand out between us. “I’m interested to see what you will bring to the company. You’ll be treated like everybody else.”
I shake his hand and smile at his words. “I would expect nothin’ less.”
I stand because even I know to quit while I’m ahead. Étienne hands me my folder, and I gladly take it. This is a victory I didn’t know if I would win, and at the moment, I bask in my accomplishment. Only for a moment, because my next thought is, “Tell Rainey!”
It’s second nature to share every part of my life with her.
Not yet, I remind myself. Soon, but not yet.
“I wish you the best of luck,” Étienne says.
“Thank you,” I reply and walk out of his office. Once I’m out of the front door and on the street, I mutter under my breath, “I will be needin’ every bit of it.”
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
Rainey
“Evening gowns have certainly changed since 1912,” Serene remarks.
As the maid bends down to fix the hem of my dress, I fuss with the bodice. “Are you sure?”
Serene swats my hand away. “Trust me. I know what I’m doing. This is perfect.”
Typically, I trust Serene. We are one and the same in a lot of ways. She simply says what I’m thinking in a less articulate way. It certainly drives the point home, though.
Today I’m questioning everything. I didn’t get any sleep last night, and when it was time to wake up, my body decided it was time to sleep. I only woke when my maid was shaking me, telling me it was almost time to leave for Belgrave.
When I arrived, Serene unknowingly had me dress in the same room I stayed in after Livingston’s attack. Very little in its appearance has changed. The bed still faces the fireplace; it simply has a different quilt across the mattress. Fresh flowers are on the nightstand.
Serene was already dressed in her evening gown when I arrived. The maroon chiffon evening gown was trimmed with beads, and her sleeves elegantly fell to her wrist. After recently having a baby, she looks comfortable in the relaxed fit of the dropped-waist.
The entire time I got ready, she kept my mind preoccupied by talking about her kids, and Étienne, and how she missed Nat. We spoke of everything but the bachelors and Livingston.
When the maid was done with every button, Serene takes a step back and looks at me. “This dress is so beautiful on you.”
Nervously, I toy with one of the straps of my dress and look at myself in the full-length mirror. The dropped-waist evening gown is sage green. There’s an iridescent gold overlay with sequins. Every time I move, they sparkle in the light. The back dips to a V, exposing more skin of my back than I’m used to. My favorite part is the train that dramatically flares away from the dress, reminding me of a gold waterfall. And when it’s time to dance, I can slip the convenient ribbon loop around my wrist to keep it off the floor.
“Are you sure?”
“Positive,” Serene says before she turns her attention to the maid. “That will be all. Thank you.”
Once the maid is out of the room, Serene turns to me. I busy myself by grabbing my gloves from the vanity.
“There’s still time to change your mind,” Serene says gently.
Repeatedly, I stroke the silky material. “There’s time for no such thing.”
“Of course there is. Say the word, and Étienne will gladly tell everyone to leave. Believe me, he lives for that kind of shit.”
“It’s very kind of you, but no.”
Serene takes one of the gloves and begins to gather the material together. Patiently, I hold my hand out and wait.
“Are you certain about my hair?” I blurt.
Serene momentarily stops bunching the material into her hands and lifts a single brow. “This question again? For the umpteenth time, it looks fantastic.”
She stretches the opening of the glove, and I slide my right hand in. “It’s just … I’m not accustomed to wearin’ it down in public.” Serene slides the material up my arm until it stops at my elbow. I begin to adjust the glove to fit my hand while she works on the other glove.
Serene had suggested I wear my hair down in loose waves with one side pinned directly above the ear, and it sounded good at the time. But the more time that went by, the stronger my nerves became. I was so close to using the magazine on the dresser to fan myself. It was far too hot in here.
Compose yourself, Rainey. You are fine. You knew all along it would lead to this.
Serene holds the glove open for me, and we repeat the same process as before. With our heads bent in concentration, I ask a question I’ve been thinking about all day. “Do you think he will be here tonight?”
At my question, Serene stops adjusting the glove before she continues. “I don’t know. He hasn’t told Étienne or me otherwise.” When she’s finished, she steps back. “Do you want him to be there?”
Of course, I do. It’s probably for the best if he isn’t, but I miss him so much.
Serene knowingly nods. My silence is the only answer she needs. “This is your bachelor ball. Your night to show him and everyone how beautiful savage can be.”
Her emphatic speech brings a faint smile to my face. I want that more than I realize. “Thank you.”
Serene steps beside me and turns me to face the mirror once again. “I’m married to a Lacroix. Listen to me when I say they go wild for wild women.” She points at me and swipes her finger up and down. “This will capture Livingston’s attention and make him realize what a fool he is.” She meets my gaze in the mirror. “That’s what you want, don’t you?”
Before I can answer her, there’s a knock on the door. “Come in,” Serene says.
I expect to see a maid, but instead, it’s Momma. She smiles at the two of us, and when she sees my dress, her eyes widen. “Oh, how beautiful.”
My brows furrow. It’s not what she said; it’s the hurried, dismissive way she spoke. She wanted the conversation to come to a close so she could say what’s on her mind.
Serene looks between the two of us and walks to the door. “I’ll leave the two of you.”
Momma doesn’t wait for the door to close before she advances toward me. Her eyes are wide, furtively moving around the room as though she doesn’t know
where to sit. She’s starting to worry me.
“Momma?” I say although it comes out as a question.
“The debts are paid,” she blurts.
Slowly, I lower my arms to my side. “Pardon?”
Momma stares at me with watery eyes. Her bottom lip quivers ever so slightly. “The collectors informed me before I left for Belgrave that they were paid in full days ago.” She steps forward and clutches my hands. “We can keep the house. You don’t have to do this.”
Surely, I’m dreaming. At any moment, I’m going to wake up and discover none of this is real. Blinking rapidly, I wait for Momma to disappear right before my very eyes. When that doesn’t happen, I pinch my arm.
Momma slightly shakes me by my arms and laughs breathlessly. I haven’t seen her this happy in such a long time. “Don’t you see, sugar? We’re saved!”
This is great news. Wonderful even. But I have so many questions that I don’t know where to begin. I shake my head, trying to get a grasp on the situation. “I don’t understand. How? When?”
“I don’t know when. Just that they’re paid.” Letting go of me, Momma clutches her hands to her chest and looks toward the ceiling. “This is a miracle.”
“Yes, it is,” I numbly say because it’s a miracle that doesn’t make sense.
But here is my chance. I could call Serene back to my room. I could tell her that I’ve changed my mind, and I don’t need the dowry. For the time being, my problems are over. But that’s not entirely true. I still have one problem. One deep, painful problem that refuses to heal, and when I’m alone, it hurts the most. It dwells in every conversation, laugh, argument, kiss, and embrace Livingston and I have had. Another man will never be Livingston, but at least I won’t be alone.
“Who paid the debts?” I ask.
Momma regards me carefully. She is starting to become more composed. “Are you askin’ me if I know if Livingston paid?”