by Ella Frank
The scary thing was just how much I wanted to take him up on that promise.
31
Sean
LUST. AROUSAL. DESIRE.
Up until a few weeks ago, I thought I’d experienced the highs and lows of each of these emotions. But I’d been wrong, so very fucking wrong. What I’d been experiencing had been a watered-down version of them. And I knew exactly who to thank for my sudden realization.
As Xander walked back with a condom and lube in hand, I tried not to get ahead of myself, tried not to imagine him sliding one of those over my cock and lubing me up, because fuck, I was already close to losing my shit.
I clamped a hand around the base of my shaft as he came to a stop in front of me, and when he straddled my thighs and lowered down to his knees, my dick threatened to embarrass me.
Xander eyed my lap with eager interest and tore the condom packet open with his teeth. I was about two seconds from begging him to touch me, talk to me, or do anything to me, when he reached out and slowly sheathed my cock.
His silence was as much of a turn-on as his movements, the anticipation of what was to come building speed like a freight train. Any nerves about first times or being with a man were now gone, the only thought in my head now one of pleasure—his and mine.
My breathing was coming hard and fast as he smoothed the latex down over me. Then Xander moved up to his knees and began to make his way higher up my body.
I slid my hands around his hips to his ass, urging him closer, wanting him where I could kiss him, and when his cock and balls bumped over the top of mine, I groaned from the sheer pleasure.
“Jesus, Xander, I’m dying here.”
“Hmm, I don’t think so,” he whispered against my lips, placing his palm over my chest. “Your heart’s beating just fine, and your breathing is nice and steady—although a little ragged right now.”
“That tends to happen when I have a sexy distraction straddling my dick.”
“That’s your own fault. You invited me to sit on your lap last week, and I haven’t been able to get the idea out of my mind ever since.”
I ran my hands up his back to his neck then nipped at his lower lip. “I’m not complaining. I’m explaining.”
Xander grinned and then sat up and reached for the lube. With his eyes on mine, he flicked open the bottle and poured some into his hand. “Do you want me to do this part, or—”
I slid my hand over his, answering the question. I wanted in on whatever slippery little game we were about to play next, and I wasn’t about to give up just because I might not be an expert in it—yet.
Tossing the bottle aside, Xander reached for my dick as I reached for his ass. When he braced a palm on my chest and leaned forward, spreading himself open, I understood enough to know he needed to be slicked up for things to go easier for him.
I slid my fingers up and down his crack, and when my fingertip grazed his hole, the fingers around my cock tightened.
“Ah, okay…” I said, nodding. “Let’s see what else you like, anchorman.”
Xander’s eyes flared as he drew his fist up my length. I trailed my fingers down between his legs to his balls, and he sucked in a shaky breath and then let it out on a rush.
His cheeks were flushed, his lips red and swollen from our kisses, and as I stared into his eyes and probed a little deeper inside him, Xander thrust his hips back and groaned.
“That just might be the hottest fucking sound I’ve ever heard in my life.”
“That sound means go deeper.”
I trailed my fingers up and down his warm skin again, and when I slowly slid my fingers inside, Xander’s head fell back and the same delicious sound rumbled out of his throat.
If this was his reaction to my fingers, I couldn’t fucking wait to get my dick in him. I could feel his cum dripping all over me as he ground his hard-on against mine, searching for some kind of relief.
Then, as if reading my mind, Xander slid his hands up to my shoulders and said, “I can’t wait anymore. I can’t wait.”
I understood his desperation, his need, and took his lips in a tempestuous kiss. This was both heavenly and tortuous at the same time.
With a hand on his hip, I urged him up to his knees until he hovered above me, looking like my every fantasy. Then I reached down, gripped my aching length, and offered myself up to him.
“Yes.” His arms shook as he lowered himself down, and when the head of my cock brushed against his hole, he cursed. “All of you, Sean… Go slow, but give me all of you.”
He didn’t need to ask me twice. His body was hot, tight, and slowly swallowing mine as though it was designed for that purpose. Once he was halfway home, I let go of myself and reached for his hips. I dug my fingers into his hot flesh, and Xander slammed his eyes shut, sinking all the way down until he was practically sitting on my lap.
Fuck me. I’d never been so turned on in all my life. I could feel my climax threatening, and I knew if we didn’t start moving, I was gonna come right there, just from the viselike grip of his ass.
“Xander,” I said as I smoothed a hand up his back.
He opened his eyes, and the wild hunger swirling there told me he was just as on edge as I was. He licked at his lips then slid his hands up over my shoulders to the back of my neck and slowly began to rock his hips over mine.
The pleasure was unreal, the sensations out of this world. I could smell his arousal that was making a mess all over my stomach and thighs, and I was just about done. Xander writhed over the top of me, rising to his knees and then sinking back down, using me in the most primal way to get himself off.
“Sean,” Xander said, and crossed his arms behind my neck as he moved even faster. “Over me. I want you over me…”
With a hand on his back to hold him in place, I shifted until I could maneuver us down to the rug. His back hit the floor and his legs wrapped around my waist, and I planted my hands by his head and said, “Hang on.”
I swooped down, savagely kissed him, and then began to move. I slid in hard and deep and heard him moan. I did it over and over again until Xander went wild. He tightened his hold around my waist, his thighs keeping me snug against him, then his arms tensed as his body stiffened under me, and my own climax hit just in time with his.
Fuck… Oh, fuck.
I’d known that being with Xander would change things between us. But as he untangled his legs from around my waist and his arms fell down to his side, I realized the biggest change wasn’t that I’d been with a man, or even Xander.
The biggest change was within me, and how incomplete I felt as Xander disengaged his body from mine. I rolled to my side, but not liking how that felt I made sure to pull him to me, and when he automatically scooted back I breathed a sigh of relief—once again I was complete.
32
Xander
SOMETIME IN THE early hours of the morning, the two of us had managed to get up off the floor and crawl into bed. That was where we found ourselves now, with the sheets around our ankles, the fire crackling and keeping the room toasty warm, Sean on his back, and me sprawled out on my stomach with one leg flung over his.
He had a fine sheen of sweat glistening over his body in the flickering light, and one of his arms was wrapped loosely around me. I was in heaven, and I didn’t care if I ever moved from here again.
“You’re awfully quiet there, anchorman. Everything good?”
I grinned and traced my finger down the center of his body. “I’m too tired to talk.”
“Ah… I wore you out.” Sean pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “Don’t mind me. I’m gonna just lie here and be really proud about that for a second, okay?”
I chuckled and turned my face into his chest, kissing and licking the salty skin. “Okay.”
I could feel his fingers stroking up and down the middle of my shoulder blades as he breathed in and out. It was an even, steady breath that was as calming as the rest of the room, and I realized that for the first time in weeks I ha
dn’t thought about stalkers, stabbings, or watching Sean almost—
“Hey, you think you could teach me that move you did where you managed to relax your throat enough to—”
I shoved at his arm and pushed up to see him all sleepy and satisfied. A wide grin split that sexy mouth, but I was under no illusions about what he was doing.
Sean was too smart and saw too much. He was distracting me, and I was going to let him.
“I dare you to finish that sentence with a straight face.”
His lips twisted as though he were thinking it through. “Pretty sure each of those things negate the other.”
I thought over my words and laughed as my fingers drifted down to his flaccid cock. “Uh huh. But to answer your question, it takes a lot of time and practice.”
“That’s what I thought,” Sean said. “Lucky for us, we have time.”
I shook my head and let my eyes wander down his body. When I got to the jagged scar on his side, I ran my finger over the angry pink incision. “Lucky is the right word.”
“Hey.” Sean wrapped his fingers around mine and brought them to his lips. “In my line of work, that kind of thing comes with the territory.”
“Yes, but I’m not usually the one responsible.”
Sean took my chin in hand and angled my face so he could look me in the eye. “And you’re not responsible for this.”
I let out a sigh, and went to look away, but Sean shook his head.
“Nope, we’re not doing this anymore.” He scooted up until his back was resting against the headboard, and then he tugged me up beside him, grabbed the sheets, and pulled them over us. “You need to stop beating yourself up. Trauma comes in many forms, physical, emotional, and mental, and while you didn’t suffer any outward injuries, your mind has taken one hell of a blow.”
I opened my mouth, about to respond, but Sean pressed a finger to my lips.
“I know we’ve talked about what happened. That you walked through things with Nichols and feel like that should be enough. But I’m here to tell you, it’s not, and there’s no shame in that. My captain has me set to go see the company doc starting next week, and I think you should go and talk to someone too.”
I pressed my fingers to my forehead and shut my eyes, wishing I could somehow turn off the part of my brain that tormented me. Why couldn’t I shut it off? Why couldn’t I move past it?
“But talking’s not helping.”
“Not yet, but you haven’t been talking to a professional. Just me.”
I opened my eyes and let out a sigh. “I thought over time, it would get easier.”
“It will.”
“It doesn’t feel like that. Whenever I hear something loud or I’m trying to fall asleep, it’s all right there playing over and over, and what I see, what I feel, is crippling, Sean.”
“I know it is. But none of it, not one part of it, is your fault. I’m done letting you blame yourself for this.”
“Sean—”
“What?” he said, his frustration getting the best of him. “That’s what you’re doing, and I won’t have it. You did not do this to me. You came to me for help, and asked for a bodyguard. I volunteered for the job. You didn’t force me.”
“It doesn’t matter. Don’t you get it? You still got hurt because of me. You still almost died—”
“To save you.” Sean’s eyes softened as he looked at me. “And I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”
“Sean…” I scooted up until I could look him in the eye, and the intensity there made my heart thump. I’d been in a lot of relationships in the past, but I’d never felt this soul-stirring, heart-aching emotion before, and I knew exactly what it was. “I love you.”
Sean’s fingers tightened around mine, and then he drew them up and placed them over his heart. “I love you too.” My mouth fell open at his quick response. “Didn’t see that coming now, did you?”
He kissed me so sweetly it made my stomach flip, and when he finally lifted his head and ran his fingers along my jaw, I closed my eyes and sighed.
So this was what it felt like to be content. This was what it felt like to be safe. I trusted Sean with every single part of me, and that now included my heart.
33
Sean
“TELL ME ABOUT this place.”
“Hmm?” I said, as Xander nestled into my side. I was just about to drift off, the feeling of contentment the perfect sleep aid, when his words roused me again.
“This place. How did you find it? It’s not as though you can see it while driving down the main road.”
He was right: there was no way to know that this little cabin was back here, let alone the lake and fishing spot by the river. To anyone on the outside looking in, the entrance to this place looked like a gate to nowhere.
“A…fairy godmother showed me it.”
Xander lifted his head, his eyes twinkling and his beautiful silver-streaked hair glimmering in the firelight. He was stunning, and I loved seeing him here.
“One minute he’s kissing me, the next he’s talking all things glitter and fairy godmothers. Wow, there might be hope for you yet.”
“I didn’t say shit about glitter.”
Xander chuckled. “There’s my Sean.”
I took hold of his chin, tilting his face up so I could look him in the eye. “Your Sean, huh?”
“Mhmm. That okay with you?”
“That’s fucking perfect with me.”
Xander closed his eyes, and I took a mental snapshot, never wanting to forget just how peaceful and happy he looked right now.
How the two of us had ended up here, I had no clue. Not only in the physical sense but also emotionally. It was like we were predestined to come together at the exact point in time where we needed one another the most. But that was crazy talk. Fate and all that soul-mate stuff wasn’t for people like me.
But I couldn’t ignore what I was feeling, and that was a whole lot of love.
“So…” Xander looked at me expectantly. “Fairy godmother?”
“Oh, right. It was May, from the grocery store. She showed me this place.”
“Really?”
“Yep. Well, if I’m being honest…” I chuckled. This story didn’t show me at my finest. “She kind of dumped me here one night to mellow out.”
“She dumped you here?” Xander’s eyes widened, and he sat up and turned in the bed to face me. “Have I heard about this before? You’ve told a few drunken night stories at Bailey’s, but—”
“No. I’ve never talked about this. The only person who knows is—”
“May.”
“Right.”
Xander wove his fingers through mine. “Will you tell me?”
For years I’d blocked this memory out. I’d built walls around it because it was easier than dealing with it. Ironic, really, when I’d just been telling Xander how important it was to talk to people, to share the pain, but back then I’d had no one to share it with. I’d been alone.
“I don’t know.” I looked down to our hands and grimaced. “Let’s not ruin tonight.”
“Nothing could ruin tonight. Nothing.”
I looked up, and the love and concern in Xander’s eyes told me two things. First, I wasn’t alone anymore. And second, I could trust him.
“Okay. It was the day after my parents died.”
I could tell Xander hadn’t been expecting that, because the expression on his face quickly turned to shock. But before he could say something that would make me change my mind and shut the door on all of this again, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to go back there. To remember the hurt, the pain, and the anger that coursed through me that night.
“Kieran, Bailey, and myself—we’d all congregated at the family house. Do you remember?”
Xander nodded.
“We were still all trying to come to terms with losing our parents, and having connections down at the precinct had been both a blessing and a curse at that stage. As soon as any new piece of info
rmation turned up, they called, and by noon that next day, everyone at the precinct—hell, probably everyone in the Chicago Police Department—discovered, along with us, that our father had been drunk the night he got behind the wheel.”
Xander reached out to trail his fingers along my face. “I remember. It was devastating. Like a second blow on top of the one you were all already dealing with.”
“Right.” I licked at my suddenly dry lips and reached for the sheet, fingering the hem for something to do. “In the back of my head I suspected he’d had something to do with it. For years he’d hidden his drinking problem from the force and the rest of the family. Well, Bailey and Kieran for sure. But I’d taken the brunt of some of his drunken rants after coming home late at night or acting out, and I’d seen it. The bottles he kept in the garage, the stash he hid under the deck. He became so good at functioning while inebriated that no one ever realized how intoxicated he was—or if they did, they just looked the other way. Chalking it up to a tough job, it was his way to unwind… That was just a bullshit excuse. Trust me, I’ve used it before.”
Xander’s attention was one hundred percent locked on me, and I felt a deep-seated understanding from him, a place to unburden myself and know that I wouldn’t be judged for my past mistakes. I’d be heard. I’d be comforted.
“Anyway.” I ran a hand through my hair and let out a breath. “You know most of this. Bailey must’ve told you.”
“But you didn’t, and your experience was very different. Don’t brush it aside under the you already know this file. I don’t know what happened to you during that time. How you felt. What brought you here? I want to know.”
Closing my eyes, I rested back against the headboard. “We used to come here on family trips sometimes, when Dad wanted to get away and clear his head.”
“You came here? To this little place? How did you all fit?”
“No.” I shook my head. “We came to Savanna. He’d heard about it from some of his buddies, and you know how he loved to take his boys fishing.”