by Ella Frank
Xander screwed his nose up and nodded. “I remember. I was always ‘sick’ whenever Bailey suggested I tag along.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t use that excuse earlier today.”
“I thought about it,” Xander admitted. “But I’m glad I didn’t. I would’ve missed out on something beautiful.”
“That part of the river is definitely beautiful.”
“I agree, but I was talking about the way you reacted to it. It was as though it calmed and rejuvenated you.”
I nodded. “I guess it does. And it’s cheaper than therapy.”
“I believe you are probably right about that.”
“Yeah.” I let out a small laugh.
“So this place, it used to belong to May?”
“Kind of. She never stayed out here. It was passed down through her family—her great-great someone or other built it back in 1837.”
“What?” Xander sat up and looked around the small room again. “Eighteen thirty-seven?”
“Mhmm. And it looked like it was built in 1837 the first time I saw it. Or woke up in it, I guess is a more accurate description of what happened.”
Xander’s eyes narrowed, his confusion clear.
“After we got the toxicology report back, everything went to shit. You remember?”
“Yes. Kieran punched you in the face.”
I winced, remembering the blow like it was just yesterday. I’d walked away from that with one hell of a shiner. “He did. He couldn’t believe the results. Couldn’t wrap his head around the idea that our father, the decorated police officer, had been so fucking reckless with our mother’s life. And all I could think was that maybe if I had said something sooner, it wouldn’t have happened.”
Xander shook his head. “Sean. No. No, no. It wasn’t your fault. You know that.”
“I do now. But back then was a whole other story. You see? That’s what happens when the person who’s really to blame is no longer around. We find ways to make sense of it, ways to take on the blame ourselves.”
“What you’re talking about is totally different to what happened with you and me.”
“I agree. The circumstances are completely different. But the feeling of guilt, the blame game we play with ourselves, that’s exactly the same. And I ended up in a dark, dark place, Xander. I don’t want that for you.”
“I know. And I promise as soon as we get back, I’ll make a call. I’ll talk to someone about it.”
“Good. That’s good.” I took his hand and squeezed it, then looked down to the quilt folded across the bottom of the bed. “See that?” I said, and pointed to the blanket.
Xander nodded and reached for the patchwork.
“That was my first…housewarming gift.”
Xander looked over his shoulder at me.
“But I’m skipping ahead. After Kieran socked me in the face, I knew I needed to get the hell out of there. The three of us were dealing with different versions of who and what we’d lost the day before, and while I could see an understanding in Bailey’s eyes, there’s was also an underlying anger, and I couldn’t tell who it was directed at—”
“Your dad.” Xander scooted back up until he was beside me, and draped the quilt over our laps. “He was furious with your dad. Not you. It was never at you. Is that what you thought all these years?”
“I just assumed that, like Kieran, he was upset I never told them about Dad’s…problem.”
“No. It was never like that for Bailey, and after the initial shock, I’m pretty sure Kieran realized he was an ass for what he’d said that night. Bailey was heartbroken. The loss of your parents and then finding out about your dad that way…”
“I know. But I also knew I wasn’t the one to help him. I wasn’t in the right mindset to help anyone, even myself. But I knew you would take care of him. You’d always taken care of him.” And I was ashamed to admit that thinking about that now made me a little jealous.
Shoving that thought aside as juvenile, I concentrated on getting the rest of this out, because airing my failures to a man I’d failed in front of several times before was a hard pill to swallow when I’d gone and fallen in love with him.
“That afternoon I got in my car and drove out here to Savanna. I had no plans, no idea what I was going to do when I got here—all I knew was that I needed to get away from that house we’d grown up in. I needed to find some place where I could breathe again. But as soon as I hit town, memories from our trips flooded back in. Mom smiling and laughing with her boys, Dad teaching us how to throw a line, and playing in the river… They were everywhere I looked. Everywhere I knew to go. And finally I ended up on a stool at the local bar, the only place I knew I could go to forget them.”
I closed my eyes and rubbed my hands over my face, the pain and loneliness from that period returning full force. A gentle hand pulled one of my arms down. I opened my eyes, and when Xander kissed the back of my knuckles, I swallowed back the grief slamming into me and pushed through.
“I must’ve sat there for four, five hours. I was wasted—I mean, fall-off-the-stool wasted—and that’s when May showed up.”
“Fairy godmother,” Xander whispered.
“Fairy godmother. She’d somehow heard about my parents and tracked me down.” I shook my head. “I could barely hold my head up, let alone my body. But she somehow got me out of there and into her truck, and the next thing I remember is waking up here with this quilt draped over me and a note that said: Death leaves a heartache no one can heal; love leaves a memory that no one can steal. A bottle is not the answer, Sean. There’s coffee, Pop-Tarts and a stove kettle in the cupboard. Take as long as you need.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.” I gave Xander a wry grin. “Pretty messed up, huh?”
Xander crossed his legs. “I had no idea you went through all of that.”
“Why would you?”
Xander gave a small shrug. “I don’t know. But it seems so strange to think about it now, because I can’t imagine being near you and not being able to know what you’re feeling.”
I took hold of his hands and tugged him over. “And what am I feeling right now?”
“Relief.”
Damn. How did he do that? Here I was trying to deflect, trying to throw him off course so I could re-erect my walls and hide my vulnerabilities, and he’d zeroed in on what I was feeling.
Hello, hammer, you nailed it.
“How’d you get to be so smart?”
Xander grinned, and the pain and loneliness from all those years ago suddenly felt like a distant memory. “A teacher for a mother and a surgeon for a father?”
I laughed. “Yeah, that seems like a pretty good guess.”
“Oh, and I love you.”
“Hmm,” I said as I slid back down in bed, tugging him along with me. “You think that makes you smart? I know a lot of people who might disagree.”
“Then they’d be wrong. Loving you is going to be messy and complicated, but it’s one of the smartest things I’ve ever done.”
I wrapped my arm around him and hugged him into my side. “You know, I keep asking myself how this—us—is even possible. But I don’t care how or why anymore. I’ve been so fucking lonely for so damn long, and all I care about is that everything feels so much better when you’re with me. Messy or otherwise.”
Xander pressed a kiss to my cheek. “Messy or otherwise.”
I turned my head on the pillow and took his lips in a gentle kiss, and allowed myself to finally believe that there just might be something to this happily ever after deal.
34
Xander
“HAVE YOU EVER been stargazing before?” Sean asked, shining a flashlight on the path ahead of him.
For the last three days he’d been trying to convince me to spend the night under the stars, and for some insane reason, tonight I’d agreed.
“I haven’t,” I said, terrified of every little thing that brushed up against my arm or made a sound anywhere in my v
icinity. “I’ve sat out on my terrace and looked up at the stars. But with all the city lights, it’s hard to see much.”
“Yeah, you can’t see shit in the city. Not compared to out here.”
“I bet,” I said as I concentrated on where I was putting my feet.
“You okay back there?” Sean asked as he walked past a branch, and when it swung back to whack me in the arm, I jumped.
I was doing my very best not to ask, Are we there yet? because I didn’t want to sound like some pathetic city boy. But I was starting to realize that’s who I was.
“I’m, uh— Oh my God. What was that?”
I frantically brushed at my arm. Sean stopped and shined the flashlight my way. “What was what?”
“Something touched the back of my arm,” I told him as I did my best to look over my shoulder. When I saw nothing there, I let out a sigh of relief and walked over to him.
Sean brought the light up under his chin and waggled his brows. “You scared?”
“Of creepy crawlies? Yes.”
Sean rolled his eyes. “Oh, well, those I can crush. Just let me know. If it’s a ghost or something else, you’re on your own.”
I knew he was just playing with me, but I quickened my step and took hold of his hand just the same. Sean laughed, and I whacked him in the arm, but deep inside I was enjoying the hell out of myself.
If someone had told me I’d actually enjoy spending a few days in the wilderness with nothing but the basics and my survival skills—okay, Sean’s survival skills—to get us through, I would’ve told them they’d lost their damn minds.
But Sean had been smart to bring me out here and make me unplug. I’d thought I would just move past everything and go back to normal. But I was starting to see that wasn’t how things worked.
I needed help, professional help, if I was going to get through this and go back to work, not to mention my own place. But for now, I was trying to let go and live in the moment. Even if that moment did include a pitch-black night, a forest, and weird sounds in the distance.
“We’re here,” Sean said as he held a branch out of the way. After I ducked under it, he grabbed my hand and guided me to where he wanted me. “Stand right there.”
“Yes, sir.” I laughed, happy to go along with his plan, since I couldn’t actually see more than maybe a foot in front of myself.
Sean grabbed the blanket he’d packed out of his backpack and spread it on the ground, then he moved down to his knees and held his hand out to me. As I followed him to the ground, he lowered me to my back and came down over the top of me.
“Hi,” he whispered against my lips.
“Hello.” I grinned.
“You ready to see the stars?”
I couldn’t help but laugh, especially at the cheesy waggling of his brows. “You already showed me the stars once today, but I’m always up for round two.”
Sean groaned and rubbed up against me, his closeness teasing to life my cock. “I really did bring you out here to see the stars, you know.”
“Oh, I believe you.” I flicked my tongue across his top lip. “But I only agreed so I wouldn’t have to sleep alone.”
“As if I was gonna let that happen.”
“Hmm…” I let go of him and shoved him away from me. “Well, lie over there while you show me the stars. Otherwise I can’t be held accountable for—”
“Trying to get down my shorts?”
I turned my head on the blanket. “Yes.”
He flicked the light off and we were plunged into darkness. Then he reached for my hand across the blanket. “Look up.”
With a smile on my face, I did as I was told, and then my mouth fell open.
Holy shit. I’d been expecting a sprinkle of lights overhead, but instead it looked like someone had thrown a handful of glitter in the air. There had to be thousands of stars twinkling above us.
“Impressive, isn’t it? They say in a dark sky, like this, you can see nearly forty five hundred stars, as opposed to, like, thirty-five in the city. Isn’t that insane?”
What was insane was that with each passing day, Sean managed to surprise me in some monumental way. I’d thought I knew him pretty well, considering how long I’d known him. But I was starting to realize that I knew next to nothing, and every new revelation I learned was…wonderful.
“It’s definitely impressive and romantic,” I said. “Do you know all the names?”
“No way. I mean, I know about as much as anyone. Mercury, Jupiter, Saturn, but that’s about it. I just like to look at them and wonder what’s up there.”
That made me smile. “You mean like…aliens?”
“Are you making fun of me?”
“No. Okay, maybe a little bit.”
“Well, for your information, yeah. There has to be something other than us, don’t you think?”
I laughed at that which had Sean tugging me up and over the top of him, and when I braced my hands by his head, he widened his legs and I settled in between them. “You really believe in aliens?”
“What? You don’t?”
I kissed his lips. “Do you think they’re watching us now?”
Sean smoothed his hands over the seat of my shorts and squeezed. “If they are, they’re about to get an education.” I began to rock against him, and Sean scraped his teeth along my jaw and groaned. “Ahh, fuck, Xander.”
I ran my fingers through the hair by his temples, loving the soft feel under my fingertips. “How long have you been interested in astronomy?”
Sean was kissing his way down my neck now, his hips moving under mine.
“Sean?”
“Huh?”
I reached down between us to flick open his shorts. “Astronomy?”
“Oh, right, um… The last couple of years. Since I started coming out here. Hadn’t really paid much attention to them until— Oh my fucking God.”
I was massaging him now, my hand stroking his cock as I straddled one of his thighs. Over the last couple of days we’d been experimenting. Sean, being new to this, was still learning and testing his boundaries—what he liked, what he didn’t like. And every now and then, I’d see a question enter his eyes that he’d leave unasked, but I wasn’t about to rush him.
He was curious, and as hot for me as I was for him. It was only a matter of time before he pushed past that hesitant side and started trusting his instincts, started demanding exactly what it was he wanted.
“Xander?”
“Hmm?” I said, rolling my hips over his muscled thigh.
“I want…”
“Yes?” I said against his lips, stroking him up and down, his pre-cum coating my hand. “What do you want?”
He drew one of his hands around and unzipped my shorts, and just as he was about to slip it inside my boxers, I felt something cold and slimy land on the back of my calf.
35
Sean
WHAT’S THE QUICKEST way to lose an erection? Have the person you’re with scream like he just saw Jason walking out of the woods with a machete.
One minute I’d been trying to work up the nerve to ask Xander the finer techniques on sucking his cock, and the next, all hell was breaking loose—
“Oh my God! Oh my God!” Xander wrenched his hand free of my shorts and rolled to his back, kicking his legs about like something had just bitten him on the ass.
“What? What’s the matter?” I said, holding my hands up like I’d somehow done something to cause his freak-out.
“Something jumped on me.”
“What? Where?”
“On my leg. It was on my leg.” Xander scrambled to his feet but nearly tripped over as he did a weird kind of shiver-jig. It took everything I had not to laugh. But realizing our moment was now well and truly over, I reached for the flashlight and turned it on.
I aimed it over the blanket, scanning the spot where Xander had been lying. The flashlight landed on the culprit, and I grinned.
“Ah, that’s nothing, anchorman. Just a littl
e green frog.”
“A… Did you say a frog?”
“Yeah.” I put the torch down so it was shining on our amphibious friend, then slowly moved to the frog. I quickly scooped it up, and Xander made a noise somewhere between a curse and a gasp that made me laugh again. “He’s not gonna hurt you. If anything, he’s more scared of you than you are of him.”
“Doubtful. Very doubtful.”
I walked several feet away from our setup and freed the little guy, then came back and winked at Xander. “All gone.”
“My hero.”
“Uh huh.” I chuckled and rubbed my hands up and down his arms. “I forgot how scared you are of them.”
“What’s not to be scared of? They’re slimy and they jump.”
“Both true. But that one was completely harmless.”
“That one? You mean there are more out here?”
It seemed Xander’s brain was having a slight…malfunction. “You are staying in the woods, you know. The odds are good. But you’ve been swimming in the lake all week and haven’t seen any, so I wouldn’t worry.”
Xander’s eyes widened in horror, that thought apparently never crossing his mind until now. I quickly congratulated myself for having not told him that at the beginning of this getaway.
“Look, I’m sure he’s long gone by now. Why don’t you come back down here with me?”
Xander looked to the blanket and then back to me. “Shine that thing all over. I want to see there’s nothing else hopping around.”
When it was clear he wasn’t about to get back on that blanket, frog or no frog, I started to fold it up and stuff it in the backpack.
“You can laugh all you like. This is a very real fear.”
“Oh, I can see that.”
Xander gave me a withering look. “I wasn’t always afraid of them. But one summer, Bailey and I were camping in your backyard—what is it with you guys and the outdoors?—and a frog got in our tent. Anyway, long story short, the tent was all zipped up and I couldn’t get out. It was horrible. Those things can get into anything.”