An Unexpected Debt

by S. J. Pajonas

  “Deal.”

  22

  I sit silently through most of the homestyle dinner on the Kawabata Farm. I know I’m attracting more attention by not talking, but I can’t help it. I shovel food into my mouth despite the gut-churning nausea that has overtaken me throughout the day. I’m not sure how else to handle a family dinner, though.

  The dining room table is packed with people, usually a happy occasion. Vivian, Ken, Jinzo, Gus, and Mat are here with Ilaria. Carlos and Lia sit farther down the table, their heads bent and eyes bright with laughter. Nisrine joins in the conversation between them and chatting with Jinzo too. Marcelo and Saif round out the guests to the right of me.

  Saif laughs at something Gus says, and Vivian’s eyes shoot to me. I jerk my lips up in a somewhat smile, though inside, I’m at war. Saif is so great, so nice, so perfect. I told him I would let him in, and I have. Yet, I know I’m going to fuck this up. This will not last, and when it all falls apart, I’ll feel worse for having wasted his time. Sigh. I can’t believe he’s even here, much less getting along with everyone. When Marcelo invited him for dinner, I thought he was crazy. But Marcelo is a matchmaker for a reason. He delights in seeing people connect. He knows how to work a relationship from every angle.

  When the dinner is over, Gus is the first to stand up.

  “Time for a walk, everyone, before it gets too dark out.” He pulls Ilaria out of her high chair and pops her onto his hip. “Let’s head out so Vivian and Skylar can talk business.”

  I open my mouth to tell him he should be here as well. All of Vivian’s network should hear what I have to say, but then I close my mouth and cover it with my hand instead. I don’t want them all witnessing my shame.

  “I’ll stay,” Saif says, picking up his plate like he’s about to clear the table.

  “You will not be clearing the table,” Vivian says, reaching out to playfully slap his hand. “We don’t allow guests to clean.”

  “But…” He starts to protest before glancing at Marcelo. He shakes his head with a smile. Saif sets the plate back down. “Still, I should stay.”

  “Go,” I say to him. “Enjoy the walk.”

  “Skylar,” he says. I shake my head.

  No. I won’t. I can’t.

  “I’m staying,” Marcelo says, laying his hand on Saif’s upper arm. “You go ahead with everyone else.”

  Vivian jerks her head at the living room on the other side of the dining room. “I’ll meet you in there.”

  Jinzo, Ken, Marcelo, and I head to the living room with Vivian’s dog, Frogger, at our heels. I watch Vivian dress Ilaria in a hat and light sweater from the doorway before handing her off to Gus and Mat. Mat leans over and kisses her. My heart stops.

  I want this for me. Why has my life fallen apart? Why am I so broken?

  “Drink, Sky?” Jinzo asks, filling up glasses at the bar.

  “Uh, yeah.” I had three glasses of wine with dinner, and it wasn’t enough to settle my nerves. “Gin on the rocks.”

  Ken lifts his eyebrows.

  Marcelo draws his hand across his throat. “Maybe…?” he starts.

  I ignore him and reach for the glass Jinzo gives me. My hand shakes as I drain half the serving straight down my throat. The gin burns, but I don’t mind. I’m glad to feel anything else but fear right now.

  My heart pumps wildly, and my breathing is out of control. I close my eyes and count to ten, hold my breath, let it out slowly, and try to catch the runaway train.

  “Okay, I’m here, and they’re all out on a walk.”

  My eyes pop open at Vivian’s voice. She crosses the room, her stride purposeful and in control.

  “Just soda water and lime for me. I have work to do tonight,” she says. Jinzo hands her a glass, and she sits down opposite me.

  “Something’s wrong,” she says, leaning forward, her arms on her knees. “I can feel it. So, give it to me straight.”

  I try to put the glass back on the table and regret it. Everyone watches my hand shake and spill gin and water all over the table. “I’m sorry,” I say, my voice shaking as much as my hand. Flattening out my hand, I swipe it over the mess and throw it on the floor.

  “Are you sick?” Jinzo asks.

  I shake my head, but try as I might, words can’t reach my lips.

  “Ms. Vivian,” Marcelo says, coming to sit next to me on the couch, “I’m afraid Ms. Skylar has a small confession to make. I’ve assured her that she’s worried over nothing, and that you will support her one-hundred percent.”

  “I don’t think I like the way this conversation is going,” Jinzo says, his lips turning into a frown.

  I look from him to Ken, and my stomach sinks. Ken is even more turned off. These two are at the top of Vivian’s network, and they guard her from being taken advantage of. They are her protectors.

  They won’t like this one bit.

  Ken holds his drink in his left hand and rubs his sparse beard with the other. “There’s only so much support we can give, Marcelo. The estate is strapped for cash as it is. Even with Flyght money coming in, we’re only just getting by.”

  I raise my hand to stop him. “It’s not that. I’m not here to ask for money. Viv…” I sigh and drop my head.

  Grow a backbone, Skylar.

  “I don’t know how to start,” I say, but I choose the most obvious tack. Anything having to do with Vivian herself. “Viv, I’m sorry I’ve lied to you for… oh, pretty much our entire lives.”

  Her eyebrows draw together.

  “I was told from, well, forever ago, not to say anything.” I drop my head and look at the floor. I wring my hands until my fingers ache. “They told me this was the way things were done, and I was a crybaby if I complained to anyone.”

  “Complained about what? Who said this?” she asks.

  “Things have never been as easy as they’ve seemed in my life. Like…” I pause and think. “All those times you were supposed to come to visit me on the Mikasa, but the parents canceled the trips? They were my fault.” I press my fingers to my chest. “I kept getting into fights with Dad or Dominic or Mom —”

  “Stop,” Marcelo says, and his voice is so harsh, I bounce back. “What happened was not your fault.”

  I turn to face him. “But if I had just been quiet —”

  He rolls his eyes. “If you had just been quiet, or good, or listened more carefully, or done things differently? Those are all excuses I hear from women in abusive relationships. What happened to you was not your fault. You were a child.” His voice climbs, and the room’s temperature goes along with it.

  Vivian’s hands shoot up. “Someone better explain what’s going on right the fuck now.”

  “Who am I going to have to kill?” Ken asks, his jaw tight.

  I drop my head into my hands. I am fucking this up.

  Just say it!

  “My mom’s network is broken,” I yell. I lift my head up and raise my voice to the ceiling. “I’ve been raising my brothers and sisters for years! Since I was six years old! Maybe five…” I shake my head. “I don’t remember. Every time I was supposed to see you and didn’t was because the dads had other things to do, and I had to watch the kids. Or it was because I had pissed off Dominic, and he wanted to punish me for ‘misbehaving.’ This awesome thing you have going with your network?” I wave between Vivian, Jinzo, and Ken. “It’s foreign to me. I have never seen a good relationship network before this. I have fucked around for years with men because… Because…”

  I stop and swipe the tears off my face.

  “Because she’s only ever been taught she’s worthless unless she’s serving her family,” Marcelo says.

  Vivian gasps, a sharp breath inhaled so quickly it sucks the heat out of the room. I close my eyes against her reaction. No, please, no. Don’t be mad at me.

  “I am worthless,” I say, grinding my teeth together. “And a liar and a cheat. I lied to Vivian for my entire life, never letting her know how bad it’s been. Never confiding in her
like she confided in me.” I turn to her and ignore the shocked, open mouth look on her face. “I’m sorry about all the vacations that were ruined, the promised trips to Rio and Laguna that were canceled over and over until I threatened to run away if they didn’t take us.”

  “You what?” Vivian leans back in her chair.

  I nod my head. “They canceled three years in a row, remember? Finally, the last time, I said I would run away and never come back. They would be stuck making all the meals and taking care of the kids on their own without my help. Those fuckers did not want to do anything themselves.” I drop my voice. “They made it a family reunion, so there were always adults around to watch me. Remember? I paid for that one, though. They put a tracker on me for a year after that trip, and I wasn’t allowed to go to far-school until they were sure I wouldn’t run away.”

  Jinzo inhales so abruptly, I think it’s because he forgot to breathe. “What the actual fuck, Skylar?”

  I wince and close my eyes.

  “How could you lie to Vivian for years… decades,” Jinzo asks. “Didn’t it occur to you that it was wrong?” Here comes his protective side.

  “Hey,” Marcelo starts.

  “Jin,” Vivian says, her voice strangled.

  He points at me while looking at Vivian. “You’re not at all worried that your best friend and cousin didn’t confide in you for decades?” he asks, his voice rising.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, hanging my head. “I know it was wrong, knew it was wrong while I was doing it. I had no choice. Every time I stepped out of line, they took more from me. They took my nice bedroom and gave me the smallest one on the ship, telling my mom it’s what I wanted. They took my clothing allowance away. I wore hand-me-downs from Oliver and Raphael for years. They took the food right out of my mouth. I wasn’t skinny because I grew too fast. I was skinny because I barely ate. I saved the food for Ana, and then she hardly ate from the stress of it all.”

  “Oh my God,” Ken says, setting his drink down on the table and turning away.

  “They took away my education lastly because they knew Mom would suspect something if I wasn’t seeing my tutor anymore. They waited until I was twelve, and she was so busy that she wouldn’t notice. Then they made me teach Jukia, Cameron, and Nolan. I had to educate myself on the side. I took the standardized education test when I was fourteen because the dads were away on Rio at the time, and I knew they wouldn’t be around to police me.”

  “Son of a…” Jinzo says, his face slack. “Are you serious? Skylar, this is outrageous. Unbelievable. No one would treat a first daughter like this.”

  His disbelief is understandable. “I always knew no one would believe me if I said anything,” I mumble, my eyes down. “The dads laughed and told me so. They were right.”

  “She’s serious,” Marcelo says. “I checked on a lot of this. I went straight to Juan.”

  I pop up from my seat. “You didn’t!”

  “I did,” he says, standing up to face me. “And I am horrified by what I heard from him. Do you hear me? Absolutely horrified.”

  “Skylar, I… I…” Vivian stands as she searches for words. “I’m shocked. I don’t…” She pauses and brings her hands to her chest. “I’m sorry that you couldn’t confide in me. You must have been so… scared.”

  I swallow hard. Scared. Yes, I was scared all the time as a kid, and I covered it up with false hubris and a nasty attitude.

  “I’m going to call your mom and tell her to retire immediately.”

  “Yes,” Ken pipes up. “Yes, this. She doesn’t get to run the family business if this is the way she treats you.”

  “Well…” I actually laugh. It’s strangled and filled with tears, but it’s a laugh. “That’s the other part I need to beg forgiveness for.”

  “What now?” Vivian cries out, her eyes wide.

  “Mom lost so much business and all her savings while she was out of work because of… because of Tomu, she sold off the business, the business that was supposed to be mine, to Diaz Waste Management. Dominic had convinced her that I was a…” I have to pause to swallow because I feel like I’m going to vomit. “A spoiled brat and didn’t deserve the business, anyway. So, she sold it. She’ll call or message within a few days and make up some excuse about why she can’t work for you anymore. She’s hauling trash with the Mikasa as we speak.”

  Fucking shit. It turns out I do know why I’m so broken.

  I slap my hand over my mouth. No. No puking, Skylar. That dinner was so good. I don’t want to see it come up again.

  But the room spins.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, lifting my hand. “This is a total disgrace. I’m a complete failure. I’m a first daughter, and I should have never let any of this happen. I’m trying to buy back the business and get Mom out of hock, but I can’t. Takemo Diaz hates me, and there’s a Bridge tournament I have to win now, and…” My stomach flips over. “And I’m going to be sick.”

  I turn and run as fast as I can to the bathroom.

  23

  Puking into Vivian’s toilet is my darkest hour. I hate vomiting so much. Just the thought of it makes me want to vomit even more. I sob into the toilet before I flush it, and then I rest back against the wall, my hands on the cool tile floor.

  “Fuck, fuck!” I scream at the empty bathroom. I pound my socked feet on the floor and let the tears roll forth. Why does everything have to be so screwed up?

  I open my eyes, and Saif is in the bathroom, wetting a washcloth in the sink.

  “No. Go away.” I wave at him, hoping his appearance is an aberration.

  “Come on, Sky. I’ve seen worse.” He approaches me with the washcloth, but I smack his hand away.

  “No. I said, go away.” I stress this as hard as I can. He stops in his tracks. “We are not dating. No matter how perfect you are. I want you. I need you. But this is not your problem, and it will continue to not be your problem. Your family will never accept me, anyway. I’m just… too fucked up. I was weak, and I let assholes take advantage of me, and now I have nothing.” Whatever alcohol that was left in me has finally entered my bloodstream, and I’ve become a slurring, sobbing, vomit-covered mess. “Go!” I shout at him, pushing him away.

  His eyes are wide as he stumbles back.

  “Sky sad,” Ilaria says, clutching the doorway. Her little brown eyes and messy hair make me burst into tears again. Gus appears and turns her around by her shoulders, handing her off to someone down the hall.

  He steps in and shuts the door behind him. Lifting the wet washcloth from Saif’s hands, he nods his head at the door.

  “You go, and I’ll take care of this,” he says. Saif sighs and leaves. Good. I hope he never comes back and gets himself involved in this again.

  Gus wrings the washcloth out over the sink and approaches me with a good-natured smile. “Not feeling your best?” He’s a nurse, and it’s always been his job to look after everyone.

  “You could say that.” I take the washcloth he holds out to me and press it to my face while he checks my pulse on my other wrist.

  “You should be nicer to that one because I don’t think he’s going anywhere,” Gus says.

  “His mistake.”

  “I don’t know what happened, but whatever it is, it can’t be that bad,” he says, laying my wrist in my lap.

  “It’s the end of me, the end of my family. I have no one left.”

  “Nonsense,” Gus counters. He pushes my hair to the side and rests his hand on the back of my neck. “You need to believe in yourself. Believe in Vivian.”

  “That’s right,” Vivian says. I pull the washcloth off my face to see her enter the bathroom. She comes over to me, one hand in a fist, the other coming to rest on my knee. She hands off whatever she’s holding to Gus.

  “Listen here,” she says, taking my face in her hands and peering down at me. “You are my heart, Skylar. I love you, and there’s no one in this universe I trust more than you.”

  “But —” I try to protes
t, but she pulls my face towards her.

  “No. No excuses. I don’t care that you lied to me. There was nothing you could do. You had to protect yourself. I understand. But I know the secret now, and they’re all going to pay for what they did to you. First daughters are supposed to be cherished. This is unacceptable.”

  The fire in her eyes scares me. Vivian does not take no for an answer about anything.

  Still, the world is blurry and edged in fear, loathing, and disgust. I hate myself for what I’ve become — a broken, insignificant fool who let a bunch of men take advantage of her for years. I didn’t know until my early twenties that the childhood I endured was wrong, and I’ve been ashamed of it ever since. I burst into another sob.

  “I’m so sorry, Viv. So sorry.”

  Vivian inhales sharply and rocks back. Her eyes flutter before she gains control and rights herself.

  “Did it happen again?” Gus asks, and she nods.

  “What?” I ask, suddenly worried there’s something wrong.

  She shakes her head. “I’ve seen this moment before.” She clears her throat, and Gus squeezes her arm.

  “First things first,” she says. “You have to win a Bridge tournament on Rio?” I nod. “I got all the details from Marcelo.” She squats down and sits on her knees, holding out her hand to Gus. Gus drops three perfectly round blue berries into her palm.

  No.

  “You need an edge. I know you can win, but a tournament is a big deal. It’s not Bridge with the dads on a Friday evening.” She takes my hand and opens it, placing the berries in my palm. “With these, you’ll see the future, and maybe there’ll be something there for you to use.”

  I stare at the berries, the prescient dream berries from Rio. My mouth runs dry, wondering what they’ll do to me. When Vivian started cultivating Rio plants on the Amagi, we discovered quite a few unique ones. It wasn’t just flowers that can make you happy when combined with hot sauce. There were these prescient dream berries that allow you to see glimpses of the future, telekinesis plants that allowed me to float and throw things with the power of my mind, shape-shifting plants, and invisibility ferns, and on and on. So many plants that could make humans into superhumans.