The Incredible Magic of Being

by Kathryn Erskine

  I hear Mom’s van door slam and she peels out of the driveway.

  The Outback door slams right after and Joan drives off, too.

  I look down at Mr. X’s patio but he’s not there. I guess I knew he wouldn’t be but I miss him now.

  I go down the ladder and over to my telescope because that always makes me feel good. I feel REALLY good that I’m not going to die when I’m eighteen or twenty-one but instead not until I’m ancient. I just wish my family would stop arguing so much. And I realize I still haven’t gotten my family to look through my telescope. Maybe I’ll just have to find a comet first.

  This could be the night.

  It feels like something very special—super massively huge!—is about to happen and even my telescope lens seems clearer, like I can see, I mean really see, for the first time ever. This is the night of discovery!

  ORION NEBULA

  It’s an awesomely clear night so I look through my telescope at Orion and see the nebula where stars are born. It looks like a bird with wispy wings flying through the universe.

  Magic.

  I see Pookie peek out the kitchen door and I call her over. “Come on! Come see this!”

  She hesitates at the door, then marches over.

  Finally! Someone will actually look through my telescope!

  Except she looks a little mad so I decide to cheer her up first. “Isn’t it cool that I’m not about to die? I can’t believe it!”

  “Mom can’t, either. That’s why our entire lives revolve around you. It’s like you’re the sun and we all orbit you but you’re about to explode so we have to hold our breath.”

  I laugh.

  Pookie doesn’t.

  “That’s the way everyone feels around you,” I tell her.

  “Me? I’m not even a part of this family. And I can’t wait to be out of here. Neither can they.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Seriously? Didn’t you hear Joan say she can’t stand living with me?”

  “I couldn’t hear what she was saying,” I lie, “but I’m sure she didn’t mean that.”

  “Yes, she does. Even Mom would like to get rid of me, and she’s my own mother.”

  “They could get rid of you if they wanted but they don’t.”

  “They can’t because I’m not eighteen yet. Believe me, if they could they’d dump me in a heartbeat. We’re not even a family.”

  “Yes, we are.” I say what Mom always tells us. “Your family is the people around you who love you.”

  She shakes her head. “I bet my father wouldn’t be trying to get rid of me.”

  “Maybe if you didn’t say that all the time they’d like you better. It’s like being at a friend’s house and saying you’d rather be at another friend’s house because you like them better.”

  “You just don’t get it, do you? Everything’s about you. Changing our lives completely to suit your needs. Mom quits work so she can homeschool you. We move to this deadwater so there’s no stress on little Julian and you can use your telescope every night.”

  “Mom wanted to move.”

  “Maybe. Did you ever think it might be all because of you?”

  “Not really.”

  “That’s because we’ve trained you to think of nothing but yourself.”

  “That’s not true! I don’t just think about me! I worry about you guys all the—”

  “It’s not your fault. We treat you like the crown prince, so of course you think the world revolves around you.”

  “No, I don’t!”

  “I bet even Mr. X is just humoring you.”

  I can feel my face turn red and my muscles tighten up and my eyes narrow like Pookie’s.

  “He’s your only friend and Mom probably told him to be.”

  My teeth are clenched but I manage to spit out, “Mom did not tell him.”

  “Seriously, Julian, who actually likes you? Have you ever had a friend?”

  I’m breathing fast and my heart is pounding really hard, which, even though I’m not about to die, is still not good for it.

  “Other than Mom and Joan, I mean? Do you ever even wonder about your father? Or is having two planets orbiting you enough? Three if you count Mr. X, although he’s really just a shadow planet.”

  “Shut up!”

  She raises her eyebrows because it’s usually her telling me to shut up.

  “At least I’m not a pain in the butt like you are!”

  “Is that what our parents say?”

  “Well, you are! I bet your precious dad would even say that!”

  Her face turns into the Princess of Darkness. “Don’t you ever say anything about my dad. You have no idea about our relationship.”

  “You don’t have a relationship!”

  “Shut up!” she barks.

  “He doesn’t even know who you are!”

  “I said shut up!” Her voice is all scream-y, but I just raise my voice louder.

  “He probably doesn’t know you exist!”

  “How dare you!”

  “And if he did know you he probably wouldn’t even like you! He’d probably—”

  A colossal orangutan noise bursts from deep inside her and she screams and shoves my telescope and I see a giant flash from my dying telescope as it hits the ground with a crunch, and the eyepiece and plastic pieces break off like they’re parts of an exploding star.

  And even though I’m the one who should be crying, Pookie explodes into tears and hiccup-sobs all the way back to the pantry.

  I crouch over the pieces of my Orion XT8 telescope and pick up some of the parts even though I know it can’t be fixed. I can’t even believe it happened. I feel like I’m seeing the shock wave of a supernova explosion from a distant galaxy.

  SUPERNOVA

  Supernova—the catastrophic event of an exploding star.

  “What happened?” Joan is staring at what used to be my telescope.

  “Pookie and I had a fight.”

  She looks at me. “About?”

  “She says I’m the sun in our family and everyone else revolves around me. It’s all about me and that’s why we moved to Maine.”

  “That’s not true. We moved to Maine for a lot of reasons. One of them was Pookie.”

  “Pookie?”

  “She was getting in with the wrong crowd.”

  I stare at her.

  “I know. You can’t escape your problems by moving.” She sighs. “We wanted a quieter place and a calmer life for all of us.”

  “Somebody should probably tell her that, because she blames me.”

  “Sorry, kiddo. I didn’t mean for you to be left holding the bag.”

  I shrug. “It’s not as heavy as your bag. Or Mom’s. Or even Pookie’s cauldron.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Never mind. It’s just an expression. Like Merchant Marines. Sort of. Only more confusing.”

  “You got that right,” she says. “To be honest, I wasn’t a hundred percent behind this idea, but it was important to your mother.”

  “Like homeschooling me?”

  “I don’t think that’s necessary. I did figure you’d love it here, though.”

  “I do. Except not so much at the moment.” And I tell her the horrible thing I said to Pookie about her dad probably not even liking her. I even tell her that Pookie heard her say that Joan can’t handle her anymore.

  “When did I say that?”

  “Tonight. You said, ‘I can’t live with her,’ and then you whispered so we couldn’t hear the rest.”

  “I said I can’t live with her missing drama camp! I spent my last paycheck to sign her up, plus the late fee, and your mother was mad at me about it. She figured Pookie could wait until next year.”

  “Really? You were doing something nice?”

  “Is that such a surprise?”

  “Well, sometimes you guys are kind of … harsh with Pookie.”

  “There’s a history there.”

  “I know. I mean, I d
on’t know what it is, but you guys are still mad at her.”

  Joan swears.

  “So-rry.”

  “No, I’m just mad at myself again. We need to handle this better. I do love your sister even though she’s aggravating. Believe it or not, there’s a lot I want to say that I don’t, like when she threatens to run away I really want to say, ‘Please! I’ll get the suitcase for you!’ but I don’t.”

  I look over at the house. “Uh-oh.”

  “What?”

  I run to the pantry.

  “Julian! What’s wrong?”

  I’m running too fast to answer. I push through the kitchen door and into the pantry. I have to see if … Oh, no!

  Joan is behind me. “Where is she?”

  “Her dad picture is gone. Her KEEP OUT bag is gone.” I turn around to face Joan. “Pookie’s gone.”

  Joan swears, closes her eyes, and holds her head for a moment. When she drops her hands she’s Merchant Marine Joan. “OK, I’m going to find your sister. I’ll call your mother and tell her what’s happened. She can take a different route and look for her.”

  “I’ll come with you,” I say.

  “No. If Pookie comes back somebody should be here. Is Mr. X around?”

  “Yes.” It’s not really a lie. He’s around somewhere. Even if it’s in a parallel universe.

  “Good. If you need anything, go see Mr. X.”

  “OK,” I say, even though I can’t. It doesn’t matter. All I want is for Joan to hurry up and find Pookie.

  After she leaves, I realize she ran off so fast she didn’t leave me her phone. I guess she needed it, but we don’t have a landline. And Mr. X really isn’t here. I’m totally alone.

  I go back out to my telescope, or my ex-telescope, and just stand there. I look up at the sky with my naked eye and stare for a while. Even without my telescope I can see a kajillion stars. I start counting them, hoping that Joan will find Pookie before I finish. I talk to Granddad in the Wild Duck Cluster, and to Mrs. X in Cancer. I wish Mr. X were here with me now. I really miss him. And I miss Pookie. Even though she smashed my telescope. I don’t want her gone forever.

  I don’t know how long I’m standing there, staring at the sky, before I see it. A shooting star. It’s the first one I’ve ever seen in real life. My heart is pounding and I can’t help saying, “Wow!” as I watch it arc over the lake to the other side. Where the grotto with the BVM is. And that’s when I know where Pookie went. To see Trey and his Camaro. I have to stop her.

  If you need anything, go see Mr. X, Joan said.

  So I do.

  Mr. X might not be here, but I remember he has something that can help me.

  It’s not a phone.

  It’s a boat.

  VOYAGER 1

  Voyager 1 is the only spacecraft to go interstellar, exiting the power of our sun.

  I don’t even stop long enough to leave a note for Mom and Joan.

  I do stop for one thing—to put my life jacket back on.

  I’m not stupid.

  When I get the boat to the lake I make a shocking discovery. Stars are shining back at me from the water. The whole universe is perfectly reflected. Of course! The universe is in everything! I knew that, but why didn’t I think of it before? The universe was here all along, staring at me, at all of us.

  I push off from the shore and climb in.

  Here’s something else I always knew about the universe. It’s powerful and chaotic and massive and frightening.

  Just like the lake.

  I try really hard not to have another panic attack.

  Asciugamano!

  Then I remember I’m learning Spanish.

  Hola! I like marshmallows. Me gusta … marshmallows.

  What is marshmallow in Spanish? OK, see, I can’t die yet because I have to live long enough to look that up, so I can’t fall apart now.

  Plus, I have to find my sister, mi hermana.

  That’s what I’m doing here.

  In the lake.

  In a Styrofoam boat.

  I have to find Pookie.

  Mr. X is right that a rowing machine does not make you an expert at rowing an actual boat. For one thing, there’s water under a boat. A LOT of water. The water fights you. It jostles you and makes you turn in different directions, sometimes even circles.

  And it makes you throw up. I puke in the water. More than once. “Sorry, fish,” I croak, every time.

  You have to keep looking where you’re going and not let the water take over. It’s OK to scream if a little water makes it into your boat because that is shocking. It doesn’t make the boat sink, though. It just makes your butt wet. And you keep rowing.

  I can hear Mr. X’s voice far away saying, Live, Have to live, You have to live, and even though his voice is soft and hard to hear over my breathing because I’m panicking—I mean REALLY panicking—his voice is insistent and keeps saying, You have to live over and over like a mantra, the same mantra I said to him before I even knew him, and he keeps repeating it until I start saying it, too, first in my head and then in my mouth and I say it louder and louder until I’m shouting it so loud I feel like Mr. X can hear me and then I know he can because I uni-sense him smiling and even though his eyes are closed I can hear his brain saying, You have to live like we’re experiencing a Vulcan mind meld. And I feel calmer even though I’m hyperaware that this is still an emergency situation.

  I’m even starting to get the hang of rowing a Styrofoam boat and not be too panicked, sort of, as long as I keep saying my mantra, You have to live, You have to live.

  Until the shipwreck.

  I don’t know what happened. I just know I’m in the water and I’m completely wet and the cold is seeping under my life jacket clutching my chest so I can hardly breathe and someone is screaming so loudly it hurts my ears and when I close my mouth to keep the water from coming in the screaming stops.

  You have to live

  So, OK, the screaming was me.

  You have to live

  That’s when I can hear the sloshing in my ears.

  You have to live

  I focus on the fact that I’m floating in the water and not drowning in the water.

  You have to live

  I keep saying my mantra.

  And then I start panting because it’s hard to breathe.

  You have to live

  Until something touches my leg and I don’t mean water. It scratches once, then scratches again and I can’t help screaming. I kick my legs and wave my arms, splashing, and I hit something.

  A tree branch.

  Of a tree leaning over the water.

  From the shore.

  I grab it and somehow pull myself onto dry land. Or maybe wetland but at least it’s out of the lake and all I can hear is my breathing.

  You have to live

  It’s so loud and weird it sounds like I’m speaking orangutan.

  That’s when I remember Pookie and why I’m here.

  You have to live

  And I make myself get up onto my wobbly legs and walk.

  ESCAPE VELOCITY

  Escape velocity—the speed needed to escape the gravitational pull of a planet.

  “Are you lost, kid?” At first I think he’s a Mountie but then I realize I’m not in Canada even though it feels like I’ve traveled forever. He just has a cool hat. Plus, his police car has a badge that says SHERIFF’S OFFICE MAINE.

  “I’m not lost. Well, a little bit. I’m on a mission.”

  “A mission?”

  “My sister ran away and it’s all my fault.”

  “Where are your parents?”

  “Out looking for her.”

  “And I bet you were supposed to stay home. Why are you all wet?”

  “I had a shipwreck.” I shiver, and not just because I’m cold and wet. “But let’s not talk about that right now. I have to find my sister.”

  “OK, let’s start with a description of the little girl.”

  “She’s no
t that little. She’s fourteen.”

  “She’s your big sister? Why are you out looking for her?”

  “I told you. Because—”

  “OK, never mind. Get in the car.”

  I run to the front seat, slam the door, and put on my seat belt.

  The cop is getting something out of his trunk and moves like he’s walking through water.

  “Come on, already!”

  I can’t believe I just yelled at a cop, but he does actually speed up.

  He hands me a blanket, which is I guess what he was getting out of the trunk. I want to say, “I didn’t need a blanket! Just go!” but then I realize I’m shivering so I say, “Thanks” instead.

  Officer Marty radios the information about a missing teen as I tell him all about Pookie and my telescope and Mr. X and how I thought Pookie was throwing rocks at us like the Oort Cloud but really she was collecting them and giving them to me to make up for being the dark energy that takes up our entire universe, and how stressed my parents are all the time and that I hope when they say, “I’ve had just about enough of this!” they don’t really mean it because Pookie is very, well, challenging, but she doesn’t mean to be, it’s just what happens to people when they become teenagers and their brains explode, and I also tell him that Cassie died and now that I think of it Mom shouldn’t have made Pookie work at a camp for dying children since her own brother was dying except that now I’m not, actually, which is good, and how Trey at the grotto with the BVM probably gave her a ride somewhere because he read her butt.

  Marty growls, and I say, “I know!” because it’s exactly how I felt when Trey read her butt.

  He does a U-turn right in the middle of the road, which is really scary except it’s Maine, not DC, so there aren’t any actual cars in the way.

  Marty growls again and radios for someone to track down Trey and his Camaro ASAP.

  My heart is beating faster and I want to ask if Trey is dangerous but Marty is still on the radio, saying he’s headed for the bus station in Bangor in case Trey took her there, which I hope is what happened because I really, really don’t want her stuck in his car.