“So, you have some questions?” He asks and takes a sip of his beer.
“Yeah, but no lies?” I ask, I said that in the message too, I don’t want lies. I want this conversation to be open and honest and I want us to fully resolve any underlying issues we may have.
“No lies, I promise you. This is the only chance I have of ever getting you back, and in order to do that I need to be honest.” He wants to get me back, were we actually ever together? We had sex once. I would hardly call that together.
“Okay, so you left because you realised what I was.” Just saying those words out loud hurts but I don’t show him that I’m affected by what he’s said to me. He nods, agreeing with the statement I made. “You also say you regret not coming back, why didn’t you?”
“Firstly, I haven’t judged you for what you do and I hope you won’t judge me?” He says with conviction and I’m starting to worry. “I’ll explain everything. Just don’t judge me until I’ve said everything I need to.”
I swallow harshly. “Like you did?” He raises his brows at my words or maybe it’s my tone. “Look Richie, I have no place to judge anyone but don’t sit there and tell me that you didn’t judge me, when you did. You left that morning because you judged me.” My hands are shaking, I promised myself I would listen to him and now I’m getting upset without letting him talk.
“Fuck,” he curses. “Okay, yeah I may have judged you when I woke up but by the time, I’d sorted my head out, I realised what a fucking idiot I was, I couldn’t come back. I was a complete arsehole Natalie, and you deserve a hundred times better than me.”
I purse my lips together as I will myself not to cry. Why is it hearing him say those words is making me want to kiss him? I take a few moments and compose myself, I don’t want him to get a glimpse of what I’m thinking, or feeling, hell I have no idea what to make of it all. “Why do you think that?”
“Why do I think that you deserve better than me?” I nod at his question. “I’ve made mistakes, more than I’d care to admit. I’ve hurt a lot of people in my life Natalie and I’ve hurt you deeply. No matter how hard I try to turn my life around it doesn’t work.” He sounds angry, like he’s mad that it’s happening.
Looking at him, I tell him what I think. “I really don’t get it. If you want to turn your life around, you can. If you want to escape your past, do it. It will take time and persistence, but it can be done.” I escaped mine for four years.
He tenses his jaw before rubbing his hand over his face; “I get that, I wish every day that things had been different. I wish I could escape what has been done but I can’t, for me it’s not that easy Natalie. It would mean turning my back on my family and that’s something I can’t do.”
Colm, it has to be. Whatever has happened, Colm has to be a part of it, whenever Richie talks about him you can hear the anger in his voice.
“I was in prison.”
My eyes widen, this is what he meant about not judging him. It hurts that I never knew this but then again, why would I? We weren’t in a relationship, we spent one night together. I stay quiet and do as he asked, I don’t judge, I want to know why he was in prison.
“Thank you,” he says softly, and I nod, he’s thanking me for not saying anything. “I was sentenced to eighteen months and I served my time; I stole a car and ran someone over, she didn’t die thankfully but I was lucky because it could have been a lot worse.” He sounds as though this has been rehearsed, like it’s something he’s saying to convince himself rather than explaining it to me.
It doesn’t ring true, I believe he was in prison, but I don’t believe his story, or there’s something he’s missed out. “Okay, what aren’t you telling me?”
He chuckles. “Of course you’d realise there’s something more to the story.”
“So, what is it that you’re not telling me?” I ask in hopes that he’ll tell me, I want the truth.
He sighs heavily before he starts talking. “I wasn’t driving, hell I wasn’t even there. Colm was, he called me when he was driving and told me what he had done, he was literally a hundred kilometres away from me when he ran over that poor woman.”
I’m horrified. “And what, you thought it would be better for you to pretend to be the one driving? To be the one to hurt that woman, to go to prison? Richie what on earth were you thinking?” I can’t believe it, why would he do that?
“Fuck, Natalie, I didn’t want you to hate me because of this. I told you I’ve made a lot of mistakes and this is one of them. Colm is an arsehole, he thinks he’s the shit when in fact he’s a little shit. He had just turned eighteen, I didn’t think sending him to prison was the right thing, I wasn’t thinking properly, all that ran through my mind was if Colm went to prison, he’d be eaten alive.” He balls his hands up into fists.
“I fucked up and told Colm to run home, and he did. It spiralled from there, I was arrested and sentenced to eighteen months. My mam and dad flew over from Ireland and they knew, they just knew I hadn’t done it and it didn’t take them long to figure out what had really happened. They made Colm fly back with them after the trial, he was to move in with Mary-Anne and her husband Martin. Colm was to work with Martin on the farm and sort his life out.” Guilt pours out of every word he says.
“Has he?” I ask wondering if it was the right thing he did, I don’t believe it was but if Colm has sorted his life out then maybe it was.
He gives me a look that speaks volumes. Colm hasn’t changed. “Has he fuck! That fucker is still causing trouble, I don’t think he’ll ever learn.”
I shake my head. “I’m sorry, you tried to do what you believed was right and what could help him. It must seem like he’s thrown it back in your face.”
“That it does, there’s nothing I can do for him. The next time he gets into trouble, he’ll have to sort it out himself.” He lifts his beer to his lips and takes a sip. I’m glad he told me about Colm and what he did.
I understand about making mistakes, I’ve made more than a few myself, I don’t hate him for making the decision he did, I believe it was the wrong thing to do, but he doesn’t need me to tell him. It’s shitty that his brother’s an arsehole and doesn’t realise what Richie has done for him.
“Can I ask why you became an escort and before that why you worked the streets?” As soon as he asks the question his fingers intertwine with mine. He holds onto them tightly almost as if he realises what I’m about to say is going to be upsetting.
“My mum died when I was ten,” I begin and his eyes close in pain. “Six months before she died, she got married. He was an arsehole, not long after she died, he would climb into my bed, he would touch me,” I whisper not wanting anyone to overhear me.
“Christ,” he says through gritted teeth, his hands tightening around mine.
“It went on for years, until my fourteenth birthday when he took things further. That night I ran, I couldn’t stay there any longer, I just couldn’t go through it anymore. I legged it and never looked back. I lived on the streets and as I was already dirty, I was already tainted so I did the only thing I could to survive, I began working the streets and I managed to survive.” I’m proud that I’m able to talk about it without getting upset, yes it hurts to think about and I think it always will but I’m not crying and to me that means I’m getting past it.
“I’m sorry that I left, you deserve to be treated like a queen and I treated you like a whore. I’m so fucking sorry Natalie,” His voice gravelly, his eyes gleaming with unshed tears.
“It’s what I am though.”
His eyes become dark and his jaw tenses, his grip on my hands is so tight that my hands are white. “No, you’re fucking not. Don’t you dare call yourself that? Anyone who thinks that is a bastard, you’re amazing.”
My heart soars at his words and heat rises in my cheeks, thankfully I have makeup on to hide my reaction. “Thank you.”
He winks at me. “I meant what I said, and you’re anything but a whore. You deserve to be trea
ted with respect.”
This isn’t going as I had envisioned, I think I was a bit hasty before in telling him to leave me alone. Whenever I’m around him I’m happy, it’s as though I’m where I’m meant to be. My emotions are what’s confusing me, they’re what’s making me want to tell him that I want to be with him. My head on the other hand is telling me not to be stupid, that I’ve been hurt before and I don’t trust him not to do it again.
“What do you want Richie?” It’s a loaded question, what does he want with me, what does he want from life? It’s a question I wouldn’t be able to answer if I were asked.
“You, I want you Natalie. I’ve wanted you from the first moment I saw you and that has never changed,” he says without even thinking about it.
“I’m not sure that I can believe that Richie, you were in love with Jess not that long ago.” There, I’ve said the only thing that’s left between us, the only thing that I need answered before I can even decide what to do next.
He shakes his head as his eyes close. “Jess is someone that I truly care about and I think I always will. She knew that I was in prison and was one of the first that didn’t judge me. Do I love her, in a way yes but not in the way you think. I told Jess I loved her because I was losing her, I already lost you, I couldn’t lose someone else I cared about. Jess was, is, an amazing woman, one that I respect but she wasn’t the woman for me just as I wasn’t the man for her. I had met this gorgeous woman months beforehand and she has stayed with me every day since. I tried to move on and be happy and I may have been, but no one could ever be you.”
Tears sting my eyes as relief washes over me, he didn’t love her. Does that mean that he may love me? Or he could love me? I’m happy, ecstatic that he didn’t love her. The words he’s saying, they’re all I’ve wanted to hear, to have someone who doesn’t look at me as though I’m tainted and dirty. To have someone who thinks I’m special and that I should be treated with respect and be treated like a queen.
“What are you thinking Natalie? I’ve been honest with you about what I want yet you’ve not let on about what you want? Am I wasting my time trying to convince you to give me another chance?” He squeezes my hand once again before letting go.
I instantly miss the warmth. “No you’re not wasting your time. I have no idea what I want. A part of me wants you too but there’s a part of me that doesn’t trust you. I’m so torn because the other part of me has always wanted you.”
He smiles, it’s bright and so much like the one he had for me on that very first night we met. “There’s only one way we’re going to find out if you could trust me. Give me a shot, one shot and if I hurt you again, I’ll go.” His eyes are begging me, that Irish accent of his thick but I’m getting used to it.
“One chance,” I tell him, and I can’t help but smile, this feels right.
He’s up out of his seat and pulling me out of mine, his hand goes to my face as his arm snakes around my waist. He’s going to kiss me, butterflies form and I’m giddy. He leans in closer, his breath hot against my face and I’m smiling. I’m happy, this is everything I’ve wanted. This is all I wanted. His lips touch mine and I’m lost in him, lost in this kiss. I’m home.
Chapter 14
It’s been a week since I agreed to give Richie another chance. I’ve not been to work in a week, Penelope gave me the week off, she told me to get my head right and decide what I’m going to do. That woman knows me better than anyone else, because when she said that to me, I thought she meant about Richie but now I realise that she meant about work. I hadn’t even thought of the implications of working while in a relationship, but now that I’ve spent the week with Richie, there’s no way that I can keep the two of them up. One has to go so that means I’ve got to say goodbye to Midnight Lovers.
Richie’s working, he works as a builder and the firm he works for works over the whole of the UK, so he could literally be anywhere. This week he’s in Ilford working so he’s home every night as Ilford’s only a forty-five-minute drive. Since we decided to give it another try, there hasn’t been a day gone by without being in each other’s company. It’s been beyond amazing, I never thought it could be this good. Richie is affectionate and caring, he’s showing me the man I met on that very first day all those months ago. He’s been treating me like a queen just as he said I should be treated. Even though I’m loving the way he is, there’s still a part of me that’s holding back because I still think he’s going to hurt me.
Tonight, Richie won’t be coming over, we’ve been joined at the hip for the past week and as soon as Pen said she’ll be over I informed Richie that it was family night. I’ve told him all about Pen and what she did for me, he understands that she’s family and he wants to meet her. I’m not ready for that, this is all so new to me and I’m scared. I’m unsure how to do this, hell I’m not certain I’m doing it right.
My doorbell rings and nerves set in, it’s Pen I texted her this morning asking if I could talk to her, she told me she’d be over at seven. As soon as she told me that, I cleaned the house from top to bottom as I was worried I’d upset her when I tell her that I’ll be leaving Midnight Lovers. She’s done so much for me that I don’t want her to think that I’m taking the piss and for her to think that I’m leaving her when a man comes along because that’s the furthest thing from the truth. Penelope’s stuck with me whether she likes it or not. My house is sparkling, and my wardrobe has been gutted, anything I’ve not worn in a long time has been bagged up. Three bags later and I was finished, I’m now actually able to look into my wardrobe and see the clothes I have. I also cleaned out my shoes and handbags, I’ve way too many so I brought them and the clothes to the charity shop.
Opening the front door, I’m confronted by a red-faced Penelope; she looks absolutely freezing, not only that her face is completely free of makeup. She looks as though she’s been crying, and I hate the thought of it. She gives me a half-hearted smile and walks into the house. “You look rough, you okay?” I ask as I close the door behind her.
“It’s been a long few days,” she says cryptically, she should really know me better than to give me an answer like that.
“What's happened?” My thoughts instantly go to her ex-husband, what has he done now?
“Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Grant’s being an arse because I’ve told him everything, and I mean everything. Want to guess what the only thing he was pissed off about? My ex-husband.” She walks into my sitting room and sits on the chair, kicking her shoes off and pulling her legs up.
I’m confused, she never told Grant anything beforehand? “You hadn't told him about Annalisa before now?” I can’t keep the shock out of my voice, when Pen nods I shake my head unable to comprehend this. “Why? Why didn’t you tell him?” More importantly, why wasn’t he pissed off about her not opening up to him before now? I’d be really mad, I hate secrets, they’re nothing but trouble.
“I didn’t want anyone to find out that I had failed her, I’m her mum, I should have helped her. I should have read the signs that she was using, and I didn’t.” Her eyes become glossy, she’s on the verge of tears, but she’s fighting them back.
“No Pen, she didn’t want you to see it.” It doesn’t matter what I say she’s not going to change the way she thinks, to her she’ll always feel as though she failed Annalisa. “What was Grant upset about then? That you were married before? Or that he’s back in the picture?”
“That he’s back in the picture, although not my picture. He could drop dead for all I care. Grant’s angry that I didn’t inform him straight away. I’m not some damsel in distress,” she says stroppily.
“He’s mad because you’re meant to be a team Pen, not that you can’t handle it yourself,” I say taking a seat on the sofa.
“Look at you, a week into a relationship and you’re a guru,” she says snidely, and I ignore it; she’s upset. “He’s pissed off and hasn’t spoken to me in two days.”
My mouth drops open, wow, okay that’s
a bit extreme, what the hell? “He’s acting like a child. I get that he’s hurt, and he has every right to be upset.” She narrows her eyes at me. “Pen, if the shoe was on the other foot, you’d be like a bull. He is acting like a child and that’s not fair, did you apologise?” I bite my lip to stop me from laughing as she opens her mouth in shock before quickly closing it. “Penelope?” I ask.
She sighs. “No I didn’t, do you really think that would work? Nat, I never told him about my life and he’s madder than he’s ever been before. I don’t think an apology will work.”
“Just try, an apology can go a long way. Besides, once you apologise, you can find out why he’s acting like a child. If Richie was mad at me and lived in my house and didn’t talk to me for two days, I’d go crazy. There’s no need for it Pen, I’d apologise and go from there, if he doesn’t accept your apology then he’s not the man I thought he was.” I really do like Grant, Penelope’s happy when she’s with him and he’s a really nice guy, but he’s just being an arsehole and that’s not right.
“Fine. I’ll apologise. Now, you wanted to talk to me?” She relaxes back in the chair, she’s no longer talking about herself so she’s not on edge. We’re so alike that it’s no wonder we consider each other family.
I clasp my hands together, my palms sweaty as the dread sets in. I don’t want to do this, but I think that it’s the right thing to do. It’s time to move on and do something with my life. “I think it’s time for me to leave Midnight Lovers and do what I’ve always wanted to do.” As soon as the words leave my mouth it’s as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
Penelope’s face splits into a beautiful smile, she claps her hands together and sits forward. “I’ll call Margaret in the morning, I’ll also get you enrolled for college as soon as possible. Margaret has been waiting for me to call, I’ve told her about you, she’s excited to train you.” She’s giddy with excitement.
The Scars Of Life (The Working Girls Book 4) Page 12