I didn’t manage to snatch much sleep last night and the bits I did were full of awful dreams. Dreams of Carter and Toria, kissing in a pub and then her breaking my nose, of me running behind Carter, screaming his name, but never able to catch up with him. I woke finally at four thirty, wringing in sweat with tears streaming down my face and that was it for the rest of the night. I spent the remainder huddled on the sofa in the lounge with a blanket over my knees, staring blankly at the wall until dawn broke, when I fell asleep again, waking stiff and cold at seven, feeling as sick as a dog.
I can’t even look at my phone. I’m afraid of the damn thing and I want to throw up every time I wake it up and there’s nothing from Carter. Dismay and agony swelled with each passing hour last night and so far this morning when he doesn’t get in touch. I torture myself with thoughts of where he is, has he gone back to Dorset? He said that it was a family thing, but that it didn’t involve Toria. That’s his dad then, and I know his dad hates me. Has he hatched some plan to split us up and Carter’s buckled? Is that why he can’t tell me that he loves me?
He can’t tell you because he doesn’t, you fool. Has he not made that perfectly clear?
Pulling the seatbelt wearily over my shoulder, I start the engine with a sigh. I’ve got to go and see Sophia this morning and if I’m honest, it’s the last thing that I feel like doing. I’ve got too much shit in my head to focus properly, although I know I have to – I must.
Shona phoned this morning, just after I woke on the couch to tell me that Sophia was a lot calmer and was waiting to speak to me. That’s good news, I guess, and I pull the Mini down the driveway, pausing at mouth and looking both ways before moving onto the road.
Justin and Ellen know nothing of what happened between Carter and I last night. They obviously didn’t see him leave. I plastered myself with makeup and painted on a smile this morning when I joined them for coffee, laughing at Jared’s antics and pretending that all in my garden was perfumed and rosy. As much as I itch to pick last night apart with Ellen, I can’t do it yet. I need to hear from Carter first. I need to know what his intentions are, long term, or at all. He told Toria that I was his partner, but he didn’t act like one last night. He looked petrified at one point, his whole mood and attitude changed in a nanosecond when I nearly said those stupid words.
I hope he doesn’t keep me dangling too long. He’s not cruel, a playboy, a man who tramples happily over women’s hearts. Whatever the shit-storm is, I know he respects me enough to at least be finally honest with me when he can.
Do you? Don’t be an idiot – you know nothing of the sort.
Pulling to a stop at a set of lights, I sag in my seat. The sun comes out, blinding me suddenly and I yank the visor down, squinting as I shove my shades over my nose. I should probably wear them all day, the nocturnal crying making me resemble a lab rat.
As I approach the safe-house, I start to circle the streets slowly, making sure that there’s no one tailing me, but after three passes, I’m satisfied and I pull the Mini into the kerb a few hundred yards from the house. Ringing the bell and squaring my shoulders, I paint on a smile as John opens up and welcomes me inside. He looks up and down the street quickly before he shuts and locks the door behind me.
‘Good to see you, Pearl,’ he says and I shake his hand.
‘You too. How’s she doing today?’ I ask as he starts to lead me down the corridor.
‘Better than yesterday, but she’s still not comfortable,’ he says, waving me towards the lounge. ‘Would you like a drink?’ he asks and I shake my head. My stomach is extremely unsettled, I couldn’t manage any breakfast this morning. It’s the Away Ache with piranha teeth and I hope I haven’t got weeks of this or it gets even worse.
Making my way into the lounge, I see Sophia curled up on the sofa, reading an iPad. She’s wearing loose jeans and a cranberry coloured sweater, her hair scraped back into a thin ponytail. Although there’s colour to her cheeks, her eyes are haunted again and she struggles to muster a smile as she sees me. Mine is just as watery and I try and pull myself together. I have a job to do here and the life that this poor woman has had to live is far more important than my relationship shit.
She closes the iPad and puts it down onto the arm of the chair, unfolding her legs and looking at me as I sit next to her. I take her hand. It’s ice cold but she curls her fingers around mine tightly.
‘Talk to me Sophia,’ I start quietly, diving right in. I’ve not the patience today because of my state of mind to spend ten minutes coaxing and soothing her. She’s been here for some days now and she’s got the promise of a new life to go to and she needs to start giving us something back.
She doesn’t say anything at first and I poke at her again. ‘Look. I know you’re afraid, okay? I understand and so does Justin. We’re putting arrangements into place to get you out of the city completely, start a new life at the other end of the country, so you need to start to relax.’
Her eyes are glimmering with tears and she nods. ‘I know, I’m sorry Pearl – you must think me incredibly weak and ungrateful, it’s not that, I mean…’ she breaks off, shaking her head roughly and I press the advantage when she’s vulnerable.
‘Sophia, listen to me. Whatever you’ve been through, there are other women still stuck in that nightmare and if there is anything at all that you’re not telling me, then you need to remedy that today.’ I dip my head and she locks with my eyes. ‘I mean it Sophia. We’ll keep you safe, but you need to help us destroy this.’
She blows out a long, shaking breath and wipes her fingers under her eyes for a moment, turning and looking at me clearly.
‘As I’ve already told you, Pearl – the men who paid for me were into the rougher kind of sex, sadism, other perversions,’ she starts, her voice low and she’s staring at her hands. ‘It wasn’t totally no-holds barred – they weren’t permitted to break any of my bones, leave me with visible scars and punching me hard was forbidden but lesser injuries were allowed.’
She lifts her head and gives me a ghastly smile. ‘I had one punter once, actually, he was one of the easiest I ever had,’ she murmurs. ‘I’d asked for some Tampax, my period had arrived but I didn’t get any. Instead, they wheeled this freak in, dressed up like a fucking vampire – cape and everything. Apparently, the poor sod had something called Renfield’s Syndrome, an obsession with drinking blood. All he wanted to do was lie between my legs and…’
She tugs at her skinny ponytail in agitation. ‘Anyway – as I’ve said, he was a piece of cake. Others were brutal,’ she mutters and I take her hand again, cupping it with both of mine. Jesus, the poor woman. I don’t actually want to know what those perverted monsters did to her and her chin wobbles again, her eyes filling with tears.
‘Where did the men come from Sophia?’ I ask quietly when she pauses for slightly too long. She’s still given me nothing to go on. She leans back wearily now.
‘The man with the blood obsession, I can’t remember his name,’ she goes on, ‘he seemed to like me, sat with me for an hour after he’d finished abusing me and he told me that he’d found me though a website,’ she whispers. ‘It caters for the more exotic tastes, he actually called it that – exotic!’ She brays a harsh laugh at the ceiling. ‘Fucking exotic? Jesus.’ She stares right into my eyes.
‘The website is called Ripped, Pearl, but it’s not spelled in the conventional way. It’s RipD, to ensure its anonymity. He didn’t say anything else about it, and I never saw him again. None of the other men ever told me anything and I think that Count Dracula dropped a clanger. He seemed like a newbie to perversion, the others were all very self-controlled, knew exactly how far they could push the rules with my body, how badly they could hurt me and they never, ever engaged me in conversation.’
My mind is thundering. Finally – something to go on. A website, RipD. Dark-web for sure, given what you can evidently buy on there and I clench with disgust. What the fuck is wrong with people? Alright, maybe the wannabe bloodsuc
ker did have a medical condition and for that, I pity him, but the other sadists just get hard-ons through causing a woman extreme pain. They need putting down.
I suddenly itch to leave. I need to speak to Justin and Dillon, but I can’t just tank out of here now I’ve got what I want. Sophia’s eyes are frightened as she meets mine again.
‘Pearl, I know that you’ll need to do something with that information, but please, you need to keep me out of it,’ she begs. ‘I can’t be a prosecution witness or give evidence in Court. If these people find me then I’ll wish I was dead. You really do have no idea how bad things were for me in that house.’
Her eyes are clear now, steely and I need to make this promise. She told me about RipD in good faith and I certainly can never take the risk of her life being in danger as a result. We won’t need to anyway. Dillon will uncover it, there’s no one better than him.
Yeah, there is.
Carter slams into my brain and my stomach clenches. I imagine for one moment he and Dillon working together to smash this new dark-web horror, but Carter’s just about to graduate after years of hard slog. He wouldn’t dare risk poking around on the dark-web, hacking shit illegally, he could stand to lose everything.
My thoughts have drifted and I shake myself in my mind, realising that I’ve not answered Sophia yet and the worry is growing in her eyes.
‘I promise,’ I say softly, giving her a grateful smile. ‘Thank you for sharing this with me, Sophia. We’ll keep you safe.’ I lean forward, pulling her into a warm hug. I like this woman, I feel a lot of different things for her and I know that I shouldn’t be bonding with her like this. When we move her to another town to start a new life, she’ll have a fresh identity and I won’t be able to stay in touch with her. It’s safer not to and when she smiles back at me, I can see that a weight has almost been lifted in her mind.
‘Thank you so much,’ she says, hugging me again and I stand now, pulling my bag onto my shoulder.
‘Justin will come and see you in a few days, Sophia, to talk to you about the arrangements that are being made, but in the meantime, you’re safe here.’ I pause, looking down at her. Should I tell her about Tony rocking up at The Guardian yesterday with a heavy in tow? No. Bad idea, all that will do is freak her out, and she looks a lot calmer now. I raise a hand in farewell as I reach the door.
‘If you need Justin or I in the meantime, just tell Shona, okay?’
She nods. ‘I will. See you, Pearl.’
Forty
I stride into The Guardian three quarters of an hour later, throwing a wave to Donna. My steps falter for a moment as she raises her hand. It’s a ‘come here’ gesture but I shake my head as I hurry past.
‘Sorry Don – I need to talk to Justin,’ I call. ‘I’ll catch up with you later.’
I don’t wait to hear her acknowledgement. Even if I didn’t need to talk to Jus so urgently, I don’t want to talk to Donna now. She’s either going to bang on about Carter or Aaron, and I want neither of them in my head.
Liar.
I still haven’t looked at my phone, but the urge to do so is now a black itch under my skin that won’t go away no matter how many times I scratch it. I’m going to cave as soon as I’ve spoken to Justin, I know I am. I can’t not, although if he hasn’t sent a message, I’m going to be crushed and probably lose it at work.
No, you’re not. Strength, remember?
I shoulder the door to the admin office open but don’t stop to talk to Di, just cocking a head at Justin’s office for confirmation that he’s not in a meeting and she nods and smiles.
‘Free as a bird, Pearl.’
I pause before I open the door. ‘Do me a favour, Di, give Dillon a ring, would you and ask him to pop down? I need to talk to him as well as Justin. Tell him not to fetch Aaron with him.’
She nods, picking up the phone and I knock on Justin’s door once before pushing it open and walking in. He’s on his mobile, obviously to Ellen judging by the stupid expression on his flawless face and I feel a sharp pain in the pit of my stomach for a moment as I hear his final words.
‘I love you, baby. So much,’ he murmurs and I bite the painful knot in my cheek, making it bleed again. Those are the last words I want to hear another man say to his woman right now and I smile stiffly, perching on one of the chairs opposite Justin’s desk as he finishes the call. He puts the iPhone on his desk and leans back, gazing at me carefully.
‘You alright? You look shattered.’
‘I am,’ I say easily, giving him a painted on smile. ‘Didn’t sleep very well.’
‘Where’s Carter today?’
I actually have no fucking clue, Justin, if you want me to be honest.
I shrug. ‘Not sure. Uni, I think- he’s got his finals soon.’ I move the conversation away from Carter Fucking Jackson as smoothly as I can.
‘Jus, I’ve asked Di to ring Dillon. He needs to hear this.’
Justin’s blue eyes spark at my words and he leans forward expectantly. He knows I’ve got something and he gives me a slow smile. I stare at him for a moment, he’s almost relishing this, but I know it’s the prospect of destroying another bunch of evil wankers. We obliterated McLeod between us. Nothing fazes Justin, even more so after our success last time, but I feel like warning him not to become too cocky. I have no idea why, but something dark is whispering in my mind, that this time we might not find it quite so easy.
Neither of us speaks again until Dillon’s in the room and he takes a seat next to me. I’m thankful that Justin has evidently already filled him in on Sophia, and he’s been waiting for someone to deliver a morsel of information to him that he can start to pick at. I take a deep breath.
‘The men came from a website called RipD.’ I spell it for them and Dillon’s eyes flare with interest.
‘Clever,’ he says. ‘Completely hidden when merely spoken.’ His mind is already churning and he’s itching to get out of here and hit his computers at home. I’m not wrong when his eyes meet his brother’s and he stands up.
‘We’ve been here before, Justin, but I’ll be in touch, okay?’ he says, Justin nodding and Dillon grins down at me. ‘Good going, Pearl. Did she say anything else? he asks, taking his keys out of his pocket and I nod.
‘Just the type of punters that she had to deal with that came from RipD. Men who like extreme pain.’ I fill them in quickly on the blood-sucker and Justin’s face creases with disgust.
‘What the fuck?’ he barks, but Dillon shakes his head sadly.
‘Justin that’s child’s play on the dark-net, as we both know,’ he says before flashing another quick smile. ‘Speak soon.’
As the door closes behind him, I hear Diane cackling at something he’s said and I pang at the carefree tone in her voice. As well as this new nightmare we’ve become embroiled in, I also have my car crash of a love life to try and sort out and I itch again to check my phone. I stand up.
‘I’ve told Sophia that you’ll go and see her when the arrangements for her transfer are finalised,’ I tell Justin and he nods.
‘Thanks, Pearl. Should only be a few more days, now,’ he replies and I can see him thinking for a few moments. ‘She’s well protected at the safe-house and only you, me and Dan know where she is.’
I smile at him as he turns his attention back to his screen and I hurry over to my desk, sitting behind it and pulling my phone out of my bag. I put it on the green glass in front of me, my heart in my mouth and my finger hesitates before waking it up. If there’s no speech bubble on the screen, I’m going to need to go in the loo.
I need to man up and I poke my phone defiantly. The breath leaves me in one long exhale as I see three texts on the screen, all from him and I swipe the phone quickly, bringing it to my face and reading them. He’d sent the first one an hour ago.
Hello beautiful. Listen, I know I behaved very badly last night, and left you feeling confused and hurt and I’m really sorry. I need to come and talk to you tonight, it’s important, Pearl. I unders
tand that you’re pissed with me, but I need you to hear me out. Please? xx
And then, another one, forty minutes later.
Pearl – please get back to me? I’m a fucking knob-head, but I’m starting to panic now. You’ve never ignored a text from me before?
And then, one more about ten minutes ago.
Don’t do this to me, please? I’m dying here…
Is he really? I don’t know what to believe anymore. I thought I knew Carter inside out, but he’s kept parts of himself heavily under lock and key and it’s hurt me. I want to carry on ignoring him, now I’ve got the confirmation I was looking for, that he’s got in touch, but when I read the texts again, hear the pleading in the last one, I just can’t do it. He’s said that he’s going to come round and talk to me and he’s right, at the very least I need to hear the man out. My fingers start a slow tap.
Hey, sorry… been in meetings all morning and not had chance to check my phone. I can’t say that I understand what’s going on, Carter and yes, your behaviour last night really did hurt me. I pause. I could make this text a thousand words long, but I have work to do this afternoon and anyway, all that will achieve is him either rocking up here, or War & Peace back and he’s right, this has to be a face to face conversation. I continue.
Having said that, though, of course I want to see you and I’m keen to hear what you have to say. I’ll meet you at mine at six?
I poke send before I have a chance to change my mind, a small smile playing around the corner of my mouth when I see him read it immediately. Whatever it is he’s doing today, he’s obviously staring at his phone at the same time and he’s replying. For a very long time by the looks of it and he’s obviously struggling with what to come back with. I suddenly hope he doesn’t chuck some random sexual remark in, to try and raise a smile, because it bloody won’t. The last thing I want to think about is his love-making, when there’s the possibility that all I’ll have going forward are just my memories.
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