Baby, thank you for getting in touch, I can breathe again. I’ll see you at six. I’ve missed you. Xx
Oh God. I’ve missed him too, so much, but I’m not giving it back to him in a text. I’ve got myself well and truly in the shit because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and I want to hear what he’s got to tell me first, before I repeat any more of what’s in my heart.
Take care. X
It’s not much back, but at least he got a kiss and I see him read it immediately. I can imagine the disappointment flooding his face when he registers the almost curt reply, but it’s all he’s getting for now. He’s right - I am still pissed with him. We’d had such an amazing night, so much love-making, and it all went to shit when we put the kibosh on it.
The afternoon passes slowly, with no other drama and I’m glad. I absorb myself in my work, having a conversation with Pat Templeton at the City Council, arranging a meeting at her offices tomorrow so that I can go though some of the runaway figures.
As half four crawls around, I yawn and stretch. Diane’s on a half day today and Justin has gone to speak to Phil in education. There’s just me here and I get up, wandering over to the water cooper and drawing a glass. I’ve a headache starting to poke nastily behind my eyes and I fish in my bag for some paracetamol. As I pop two out of the plastic and swallow them, my phone pings and illuminates next to me and I pick it up. Carter.
Hey baby – hope you’ve had a good afternoon? I’m going to be slightly later than planned, only by half an hour or so, but I promised a mate from Uni that I’d drop some course notes round for him. I’ll be there as soon as I can, I promise.X
Swallowing the last of my water, I reply.
That’s cool. Give me a bell when you get to mine, I’ll come and let you in. Hope you’ve had a good day too.x
I spend the next half hour filing and then I load and set off the dishwasher. There’s still no sign of Justin, but he might be in one of the Rec rooms or talking to Aaron, somewhere. I shut down my Mac. It’s quiet, I may as well get off home. I can get a hot bath and try to eat something before Carter arrives. Depending upon what he has to tell me, I might not manage much afterwards.
Gathering my things, I lock the door to the admin office and make my way over to reception. I ask Marci to let Justin know that I’ve gone home, but to call me if he needs anything and she nods and smiles, bidding me goodnight and I push my way out of The Guardian, tipping my face to the late afternoon sunlight for a moment. I fish my shades out of my bag as I head towards my Mini, sliding in and starting the engine. I shove my phone into the dock, before easing out of the car park and heading home.
I’ve hit the traffic at a bad time for a few minutes, but when I get out of the city centre it starts to thin. I drop my window a little, trying to relax back into the leather when my phone starts to shriek at me and I touch the steering wheel, connecting the call. It’s Gemma.
‘Hi hun,’ I say.
‘Pearl, where are you?’ Her voice, when it bounces from the car’s speakers is threaded with concern as I pull up at a set of red traffic lights.
‘I’m in the car on the way home. Why, what’s the matter?’
There’s a bloated pause, as if she doesn’t know what to say and unease starts a dark creep. I bark my next words at her more harshly than I intended.
‘Gemma, talk to me for God’s sake!’
‘I’ve been to see a client tonight on my way home and he lives on the same road as Carter and Rupert,’ she starts and my fingers start to tighten the leather covered wheel, my palms beginning to sweat. ‘When I drove past the house just now, I saw Carter going in there with his cousin, the one you punched? I knew it was her immediately, she had a white bandage across her face.’
The lights change and I put the Mini into gear on autopilot, staring through the windscreen, but I don’t see the cars in front of me. Gemma’s words have wiped my mind of cognitive thought, I can’t even open my mouth to try. All that’s roaring through my head is a vision, of Carter walking into his house with that evil witch in tow. The evil witch who adores him, is obsessed with him and whom he says he hates.
Bollocks he does. This whole thing is fucked.
It is. He lied to me – both last night and in his text. He’s not going round to his mates with a folder full of course notes. He’s taken his ex-girlfriend back to his house without my knowledge and that means only one thing. I close my eyes in agony for a moment as I remember his urgent assurances last night, that Toria wasn’t involved in whatever mess it is he’s in. How could he say that shit to me?
‘Pearl! Say something for fuck’s sake!’ Gemma begs, she must know I’m poleaxed, but I am eternally grateful to her for ringing me to tell me this. I’m going to ring the fucking bell and demand to know that the hell is going on. As painful as it might be to hear, I need to hear it. This has to end one way or another and it’s going to happen now.
‘I’m fine,’ I say, shocked myself at how calm and controlled my voice sounds. ‘Thanks for telling me, Gem, it’s appreciated.’
‘What are you going to do?’ she asks worriedly.
‘Nothing,’ I say casually. ‘I’ll speak to Carter when I see him. Look, I’ve got to go, okay – I’ll call you later,’ I promise, not waiting for her reply before terminating the call.
Struggling through the traffic, my stomach and heart wringing painfully together, I reach Carter’s house in ten minutes, which isn’t bad going, given the time of day and I park a few doors down.
I pop my belt and kill the engine, looking in my rear-view. His Audi is parked out front but I wouldn’t know Toria’s car if I fell over it. Knowing how much she likes her shiny playthings, I’ll bet it’s not here. I can’t see a Porche or a Maserati, so she must have come in Carter’s car. I grind my teeth.
Shoving my handbag under the passenger seat, just my iPhone gripped in my sweating hand, I get out of the car and lock it. I trot quickly and quietly up to Carter’s front door, and as I go to ring the bell, taking a deep breath, I see that the door is slightly ajar. Whoever was last in through it evidently slammed it and it’s bounced back, not engaging the lock.
Perfect.
Pushing aside the fact that I am now officially trespassing in Carter’s house, I push the door open and slide through, closing it quietly behind me. There’s no sign of anyone but as I walk silently down the hallway, I can hear voices from the lounge in front of me. The door is half closed and as I approach silently and slide behind it, my ear at the crack between the hinges, they get louder and more aggressive. Carter and Toria, embroiled in what seems to be a blazing argument.
‘The fuck does that have to do with anything? Why can’t you just leave me the fuck alone, Toria? Are you really stupid enough to think that threatening me is going to get you what you want?’ Carter rages and I flinch at the venom in his voice. I’ve never heard him like this, this is a Carter I’ve never experienced and I never want to, at least not aimed in my direction. Even though I can’t see him, I can imagine what he’s doing, pacing up and down, his face flushed, probably and yanking at his own hair.
Toria laughs harshly. ‘Why do you think I’m here? Don’t be a prick! Jimmy called me this afternoon…’
‘For fuck’s sake, my so-called father really can’t tie his own shoelaces without Jimmy’s help, can he?’
I itch to poke my head around the door. I want to see where they’re standing – are they close? I peer through the gap next to the hinges, but I can’t see either of them, they must be deeper into the lounge. I hear a glass being placed onto wood and then her voice again.
‘Are you really surprised, Carter? You know what’s at stake here, and the message that Philip got from you last night has worried him.’
‘I hope it fucking has! It was meant to! I couldn’t have been any clearer if I fucking tried!’
Christ, he’s so angry. Carter’s mouth becomes a sewer when he’s either furious or ridiculously turned on. Sometimes every other word is fuck. It usual
ly ignites me, but now his overuse of the word grips my stomach in an icy fist. He’s losing his grip.
‘Oh grow up, Carter! When are you going to realise that you belong with this family? Think about the lives that we could lead – we could go anywhere in the world, buy an island if that’s what you want?’ Her voice has softened, become cajoling and I feel myself start to tremble with hate and jealousy. I’m getting worried that I’m going to be able to stay hidden here, if she carries on with much more of this shit I’m going to storm out from behind the door and drag her to the floor again. I detest this woman with a passion that scares me now. We’ll be mortal enemies until the end of time.
‘You really are deluded, aren’t you?’ How stupid do you think I am? You’ve got no chance of getting your grasping hands on my earning potential, Toria – I’d sooner work in Aldi for the rest of my life.’ Carter drawls. He sounds almost bored and hope flares brightly for a moment. I listen eagerly for more. ‘You, Jimmy, fucking Philip – you think you have me chained, but I’m telling you now, Toria – you don’t. None of you do.’
His voice has deepened to almost a rasp now and I wait for her response. Surely this tells her everything she needs to know?
‘You’re deluded, Carter, if you think you have a hope in hell of walking away from this. You know it, and I know it.’
‘You can’t stop me!’ he fires back.
‘No, not me – but Jimmy and Philip can, and you know it as well as I do,’ she almost purrs now. ‘And whatever I want, Jimmy will give to me. Eventually, Carter, that will be you – whether you like it or not.’
My mouth drops open. This woman’s arrogance is off the scale. I flinch behind the door suddenly as I hear glass breaking and then Carter’s bellowing the next words.
‘She’s fucking fallen in love with me!’ he roars and shock shimmers. He’s talking about me! I hold my breath, suddenly wishing that I’d not come here. I’m eavesdropping, a trespasser in this man’s home, listening to things that are clearly not meant for my ears. Like poison seeping slowly into my system, I get the strangest notion that if I stay here for much longer, I will regret it forever.
But still, I can’t move. My knees are locked, my feet fused to the wooden floor and my heart is hammering so hard underneath my ribs I can hear it whooshing in my ears with each frantic beat.
‘Of course she has! She was fucking supposed to Carter, you moron? At least you’ve done one thing right!’ A brittle laugh now and my body has broken out in a full on shake at her words, what they mean. Dark, hairline cracks appear in my very soul though when I hear them speak again.
‘She does,’ Carter says, and I can hear the desperation in his voice. ‘I can see it her eyes, she really does love me.’
Oh God, I do.
‘Really? Does she? Ah, bless her!’ Toria sneers, her voice closer and I’ll bet she’s pacing too. ‘I wonder if she’ll still love you when she discovers that your name is actually Carter McLeod?’
Carter…. What?
As soon as the word, the name and what it means hits my brain, it propels my legs blindly away from the wall. I don’t wait to hear Carter’s response, flight instinct kicking in and I stagger down the hallway, towards the front door. There’s one thought in my head and that’s to get as far away from here as possible, whilst I still have the ability to run.
Carter’s screaming something again, but I can’t hear it, the only sounds in my ears are my gasped breaths and splintering heart. I nearly drop my phone when I reach the door, my sweaty fingers groping with the lock and I plunge headlong down the stone steps, grabbing hold of the gatepost to steady myself before pelting down the road towards my mini.
I don’t realise I’m crying until I reach the car and as my wildly shaking fingers try to bib the alarm and open the door, my stomach suddenly heaves and I throw up miserably next to the front wheel again and again. I cough and choke, trying desperately to get a hold of myself. Neither Carter nor Toria can find me here, I have to get away, as far away as I can.
My gorge finally under control, I throw myself into the car and scream away from the kerb far too fast for this neighbourhood. I’m nearly doing forty when I realise that I’m blinded by my tears and I can’t see a damn thing.
I pull over to the side of the road, killing the engine and throw my hands over my face. I disintegrate against the steering wheel, pain thundering like a tornado in my mind, smashing everything in it to pulp.
He’s a McLeod. He’s a member of Caleb’s family. Besides the obvious, I can’t even begin to pick apart what this means, not here, a sobbing mess in my car at the side of the road. I need to get home, but I’m in no fit state to drive anywhere.
Oh God. I think I’m going to be sick again, bile starting an insidious creep as I remember what I’ve allowed him to do to me, the things that he’s taken from me. I sob again, my eyes screwed painfully shut as the memory of him making love to me for the first time fleets my mind, the look on his face when he came. All a fucking lie.
Toria’s words pierce my heart. ‘She was supposed to fall in love with you…’ and the keening starts. Within a few seconds I’m wailing like an injured animal and I leap in my seat in shock and fright when someone taps gently on the driver’s window.
I raise my head, terror gripping for a moment that it’s Carter but I’m nowhere near his house. I wind the window down, swiping at my wet face and an elderly man bends down and peers in with concern. He has a little terrier at his feet and his eyes behind his glasses are kindly and he smiles at me.
‘Are you alright, lovey? You look awfully upset?’
No shit, Sherlock.
I nod quickly, giving him a weak smile, wiping my face again. He fishes a folded cotton handkerchief out of his trouser pocket and pushes it through the window at me.
‘Here, sweetheart, it’s clean,’ he says kindly and the concern in his voice makes my eyes flood again. I grind the tears away with the soft cotton and look up at him gratefully.
‘Thank you, you’re very kind.’
He pats my shoulder. ‘As soon as you can get a hold of yourself, get yourself home and pour it all out to someone,’ he offers. ‘You take care.’ Another comforting rub and off he goes. I stare after him, my vision blurring with more tears. I wish. I can’t pour this out to anyone, not now, not yet. What a nice man. Pity there aren’t more in the world like him.
Hauling in a shaking breath finally, I start the engine and squaring my shoulders, my teeth clenched against my trembling chin, I drive slowly home.
Forty One
I pull the Mini up to the top of the drive and kill the engine, my hands flopping wearily from the steering wheel. I have never felt so shitty in my life and I’ve had some pretty hairy experiences to benchmark it by. My heart is being slowly shredded in my chest, as though it’s beating full of broken glass.
I rest my head back and close my eyes. I want to sit here all night, I don’t want to go up to my attic and think, but I’ve got to. The painful throb in my chest intensifies when I look at the time. Shit. Carter’s coming here for half six and there’s no way I can allow it. I have no idea what will happen if I come face to face with Carter McLeod tonight, but if I do, it won’t end well. I need to process everything awful thing I’ve heard, dissect it and formulate a plan as to what I’m going to do. I’m rushing into nothing. I’ve done that before and look where the fuck it’s got me. No. Never again.
I haul in a wobbly breath. I’ve finally stopped crying, at least for now anyway, but the skin of my face is tight with dried tears, my eyes gritty. I need to get into the house and preferably without crashing into Ellen. She’ll know immediately that I’m destroyed and I can’t share a thing with her. I’ll tell her I’m ill – come down with a vomiting bug. She’ll buy that, I know I’m white as a sheet. I hate the fact that I’ll be lying to her, but I can’t share anything with Ellen and Justin yet.
The first shitty job that I have to do now though, is tell Carter that I can’t see him toni
ght. I chew my lip. I want to do it by text, I don’t think that I’ll be able to speak to him without either crying or spitting obscenities at him. What to say to him? Not the truth, clearly, that he’s a member of the family that tried to destroy mine and that his fucking evil plan, whatever that might be, has failed. As much as I want to spit the words in his face, just before I punch it, see the shock and horror in his eyes, I’ve got a weapon here and I’m telling McLeod fuck all. He has no idea I’ve unmasked him. I need to finish with him, and I need to think about how I’m going to do it, but first, I need to put him off tonight.
I haul my phone from my bag, my hand still lightly trembling. I open my texts, my heart cracking a little more as I re-read his from earlier today, the desperation in his words when I hadn’t replied to him. What a crock of shit, the man’s a horrifyingly good liar and a first class actor. I grind my teeth as I start to type. My idea about being ill is a perfect excuse and hopefully will stop him rocking up here tonight. I can’t see him. Despite who he is, the treacherous bastard, if I look at him I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop myself from kissing him. I need to armour myself with hate for a few hours, strengthen my resolve. I can’t dump him by text – that’s a face to face and I begin to gird my loins with the strength that I’ll have to find to pull it off.
Carter, I can’t see you tonight – I’m sick. Started feeling shitty a couple of hours ago, but I’ve thrown up on the way home.
At least that’s not a complete lie. Except it’s not a nasty gastro virus that made my stomach contents hit the tarmac, but the man I love.
He reads it immediately and I wonder vaguely if Toria is still at his house or whether he’s kicked her arse to the kerb. The one thing that I do believe about Carter McLeod is that he hates her, that’s no act. Not that it’s any concern of mine, not now. He could strip her naked, fuck her in front of me, and I wouldn’t give a shit.
What utter bollocks.
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