Benson Siblings Series: A Dark Romance Boxset

by Sarah Bailey

  I hadn’t told her in the three years I waited to have her, I’d only been with one woman. I didn’t really desire sex with anyone but Liora. And she’d probably think it was sick that I’d paid Gia to let me whip her on a regular basis and fuck her on a rare occasion. It wasn’t as if she didn’t enjoy it too. I hadn’t seen her in six months nor did I plan to ever again. She wasn’t Liora.

  I got up, stripped off the rest of my clothes and stepped into the shower, washing away the dried sweat on my skin. Exhaustion set into my bones. The minefield of emotions I’d been through today left me tired and pissed off.

  My perfect date with Liora?

  Ruined.

  The day I’d planned to worship every inch of her because it was supposed to be special?

  Destroyed.

  I flipped off the shower and dried myself before pulling on a clean pair of boxers and getting into bed. I turned out the light, laying on my back. Staring at the ceiling, my world continued to crash down around me.

  What if she wanted to stay in her room longer than just tonight?

  How would I cope if she told me she wanted to leave?

  How could I convince her to stay with me?

  How would I survive knowing she was in the next room and not right here with me?

  Fuck.

  My heart.

  It burnt.

  And I couldn’t stand it.

  I had to fix this. Had to make it right.

  Because a life without Liora would be no life worth living at all.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Liora

  The bed felt strange and empty. Even though I was in pain, laying there on my stomach with the covers resting over me, it didn’t matter much at all. Not when all I could think about was him.

  There were so many things I hadn’t known about myself before I came here. Hadn’t recognised or wanted to acknowledge. The parts of me too dark to ever be normal. But he’d seen them in me. He’d known. In a strange sort of way, he’d made it okay. And now I’d fucked it up between us.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened in the Den of Sin. I’d begged him to hurt me. Begged because of all the shame I felt at being the girl who wanted pain from someone she didn’t understand. I wanted to. Desperately. I needed context to this messed up situation. I wasn’t going to get that from hiding away from him but talking now would only make it worse. I hadn’t articulated myself properly to him. So I’d wait until dawn broke. That’s if I could even sleep.

  The pain radiating from my back wasn’t the issue. The pain in my soul was. The pain of knowing I didn’t understand myself. Of forgetting I had a life I was going to lead until they’d taken me. The pain of my father giving me up and how it’d broken me seeing my mum fall apart. And having to witness the truth that I’d essentially strung Harrison along for two years.

  I didn’t much care about Declan and what he’d said to me when he came here. He was self-involved. If he ever cared about me, he had a fucked up way of showing it. When the other kids picked on me at school for being a nerd, he’d laughed along with them. He never looked out for me. He’d tease me about my love of animals, saying I was clearly into bestiality because I preferred our cats to humans. I’d lost count of the number of times I’d cried, so ashamed of being accused of wanting to have sex with animals. I didn’t. I just understood them more than humans. I understood their motivations. Their needs. Their drive. Humans were a minefield of complications in comparison.

  Was this why I’d gotten so worked up over having desires I didn’t understand?

  Had Declan really got inside my head that much and wrecked my own self-image?

  He was such a prick. I could see his face now, telling me I was sick in the head for wanting a man to dominate me. Wanting pain because it brought me pleasure. Nausea coiled in my stomach.

  I threw off the covers, scrambling out of bed. Every movement sent pain radiating down my back. I cried out before slapping a hand over my mouth. Then I ran, tearing open the door and sprinting across the hallway. I slammed into the bathroom door, fell to my knees in front of the loo and promptly threw up my dinner. I threw up everything in my stomach, the violence of it burning my throat.

  Tears streamed down my face, spit and bile mixing in with them across my cheeks. I lay on the floor; the tiles cool on my heated skin and I sobbed.

  I was messed up.

  So fucked up.

  “Liora?”

  Light filtered through from the hallway.

  “Christ, you’re naked, right… Um… let me just uh… put this towel over you.”

  I recognised that voice. It wasn’t Dante.

  “Brent?” I croaked, my throat raw.

  “What the fuck? Did D do that to you?”

  He’d seen the lashes across my back. I felt something warm and fluffy cover me up.

  “Are you okay?”

  Was I? I didn’t think I could answer that question right then.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I had a rather frantic phone call from D saying he heard you crashing about and throwing up. He said you probably didn’t want his help.”

  I’d be less embarrassed right now if it had been Dante seeing me like this. I ached inside at the thought. I wanted him, not Brent.

  “Wow, it looks like a massacre in here.”

  I heard the toilet flush.

  “Here, can you sit up? Let me help you.”

  I clutched the towel to me as he knelt down and pulled me into sitting position. My backside stung from pressing into the tiles.

  “No offense but you look like something the cat dragged in.”

  He stood up and went over to the sink. I heard it running for a moment before he came back with a washcloth. He crouched down and mopped up my face with it gently.

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  “No need. You’ve obviously had a tough night. You know, he won’t be happy I saw you naked.”

  That got a smile out of me. No, Dante would be pissed. Brent straightened, going back over to the sink. He brought back a small glass of water for me which I took and drank. It helped soothe my aching throat a little. He gave me a cap of mouthwash. I gargled and spat it in the cup.

  “Right, now you look a little more presentable, do you want to tell me why you’re naked, throwing up in the guest bathroom with lash marks all over your back?”

  I looked away from him, feeling my face burning.

  “We had a fight… sort of.”

  “Don’t tell me he hurt you in anger?”

  “What? No. That’s not… he was trying to show me it was okay to want…” I looked up at Brent. “You do know what he likes, right?”

  He rubbed the back of his neck.

  “Well yes, I have seen the inside of his playroom. I helped him install everything.”

  “It doesn’t freak you out?”

  He gave me a long searching look.

  “You’re asking me because it bothers you that you like it too.”

  I looked down at my hands. Was I really that transparent?

  “Look, what you and he enjoy together isn’t wrong, Liora. Niche perhaps, but not wrong. You’re both adults. If you’ve never done anything like this before then it’s only natural to be scared or afraid. D is a good person deep down, okay? He’s had a tough life and having you around… well… all I can say is he seems happier, less burdened.”

  “What did Zach do to him?”

  He gave me a sad smile.

  “You need to ask him that question.”

  I fiddled with the towel. What Brent said made sense. We were adults. And all I’d done was behave like a child. Running away from my problems and not wanting to face my new reality.

  I wanted Dante. I wanted his domination. I wanted his pain. I wanted it all. What I didn’t want was Zach and his threats in our lives.

  “Do you think he’d want to see me now?”

  “C
onsidering how frantic he sounded on the phone…”

  “Can… can you tell him I’m okay? I don’t want him to worry.”

  “Do you want me to get him for you?”

  I wasn’t sure I did.

  “Just tell him I’m okay.”

  “Are you? I mean really. Are you really okay?”

  I shook my head. I wouldn’t be okay whilst there was still this distance between Dante and me with all these unresolved issues.

  “You’re going to have to talk this out with him. Maybe not now because you’ve both had a long day and I’m sure you’re exhausted, but you need to tell him how you really feel. He’ll understand. He’s probably the only one who will.”

  “I know… thank you, Brent.”

  “Don’t forget what I said. It’s perfectly okay to want the things you want with D.”

  I nodded. Hearing another person say that eased my troubled mind a little more. If Brent wasn’t judging me then why was I judging myself so harshly? It’s not as if I saw Dante as wrong for having what were essentially sadistic tendencies. I never really thought of him as being disturbed for needing to inflict pain. I just saw it as a part of him. A part I wanted to understand.

  How could I judge myself as being sick and twisted and not him? Were we not the same? I wanted pain and he wanted to give it to me.

  Brent walked out of the room. I heard him knock at Dante’s bedroom door. It opened and their voices filtered through.

  “Is she okay? She didn’t hurt herself, did she?” Dante asked.

  I could hear the worry and concern in his voice. It made my heart snap.

  “She threw up her dinner, but otherwise, no extra injuries.”

  “What do you mean extra injuries?”

  “Well… D… she wasn’t exactly dressed for company.”

  I winced. Why did he have to tell him?

  “For fuck’s sake… you saw then.”

  “Oh yes. Was that you going easy because it didn’t look like it from where I was standing?”

  Had he gone easy on me? It hadn’t felt like it at the time. Then again, it also felt right so what did I know.

  “Don’t start with me. You know I’d never go too far.”

  “She wanted you to know she’s okay.”

  I wondered why Brent hadn’t commented further on what Dante said. Did he have limits to the amount of pain he’d give another person?

  “She did? I hope that means I haven’t fucked up completely and lost her forever.”

  That felt like a kick to the stomach. Had I really made him think I’d leave him? At this point, I wasn’t staying because of Zach’s threats. I was here because of how I felt about Dante. He hadn’t fucked up. I had. Or maybe, just maybe, we both had.

  I got to my feet and walked over to the bathroom door. Both of them froze when they saw me. The look in Dante’s eyes broke my heart in two. Scared, lost and alone.

  “I’ll say goodnight then,” Brent said before making a hasty retreat downstairs.

  For a very long moment, neither of us moved or said anything. The distance and the ache in my chest felt like a chasm, fracturing me in half. The towel fell from my hands and I strode towards him. I wrapped my arms around him, pressing my face against his bare chest. A part of me knew this was a bold move considering his aversion to being touched.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  I felt the steady rise and fall of his breath and heard his heart beating double time against his chest. He didn’t stop me or pry me off. Slowly, he brought up his arms and held me.

  “I’m sorry too.”

  I lost track of how long we stayed like that before he pulled away. Taking my hand, he drew me towards my bedroom, away from his. Inside, he settled me back in bed, pulling the covers over me. He leant down and kissed my forehead.

  I was struck with the sudden need not to be alone. I couldn’t stand the ache and loneliness.

  “Don’t go,” I whispered.

  He sat down on the edge of the bed. Reaching out, he stroked my hair from my face. He didn’t speak, just took one of my hands and held it in his own.

  “I shouldn’t have hugged you. I know how uncomfortable touching makes you.”

  I didn’t know why I had to fill the silence. I wasn’t ready to sleep. My mind was too full even though my body was running on empty.

  “With you… it’s different.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “With everyone else who has ever put their hands on me, it makes my skin crawl. That doesn’t happen with you.”

  I stared at him, trying to unpack what it meant. How could I be the only one he could stand touching him? Was this a part of our connection to each other? It wasn’t as though I believed in destinies or fate.

  I let go of his hand. He watched my hand as I reached out towards him until it landed directly on his chest. I felt him shudder beneath my fingertips and let out a long breath. I was about to pull away when he placed his hand on top of mine.

  “Don’t… don’t move,” he whispered.

  He dragged my hand down the length of his chest and across his stomach. I could feel every ridge of his muscles. How soft his skin felt against mine. I’d wanted to touch him for weeks. I couldn’t believe he was letting me.

  “Is it okay?” I asked.

  His eyes met mine as he let go of my hand. All I could see was the relief in them.

  “Yes.”

  I twisted around and sat up, facing him. I brushed my fingertips across his chest, watching his expression for any hint of discomfort. When I found none, I continued my tentative exploration lower, brushing across his abs.

  I took a deep breath, trying to steel myself. Brent told me to tell Dante the truth. Even though our evening had been emotionally charged, I felt calmer. Being able to touch him gave me a sense of grounding.

  “Declan used to make fun of me all the time, making out like I had some kind of sick perversion about animals because I liked them more than humans. He started this rumour at school and it got out of hand. I tried to ignore the looks and the taunts. He never got in trouble, but I knew he’d done it.”

  I licked my bottom lip, trying to work out how to explain things properly.

  “I cried at night, ashamed of the accusations. To me it made no sense. My love of animals isn’t something shameful and he made out like it was. I feel like that’s maybe why I’ve reacted so badly to this whole situation between us. Because I felt that level of shame all over again.”

  I pulled my hands back, settling them in my lap as I looked down at them.

  “All of this has been confusing for me, but what Brent said to me is right. What I want with you isn’t wrong. I don’t judge you for wanting it. So I’ve been asking myself why I’m judging me. Why do I look at myself like I’m some kind of freak for wanting your dominance? The truth is, I don’t really know. I don’t know who I am anymore. And that terrifies me.”

  He was silent for a long time. I looked up at him when I couldn’t stand the silence any longer. His eyes were assessing, taking in the parts of me I’d laid bare to him.

  “Your brother is a dick.”

  “He hasn’t gotten any better as an adult.”

  “No, can’t say first impressions endeared me to him.”

  “Having him here felt like my old life collided with my new one.”

  He reached out and took one of my hands.

  “You’re not a freak or any other terrible things Declan might have said about you. It’s okay to be scared. You just need to tell me, okay? Tell me what’s wrong rather than pushing me away. I know I really fucked up this evening with Zach and I didn’t make it easy for you to talk to me. I’m not blaming you for any of it.”

  The situation between us was all kinds of messed up but placing blame on each other was pointless. I knew that.

  “This is only going to get harder, Liora. It’s going to get worse with him. I understand if you can�
�t handle it, but I need you to. Not for my sake. For your own. Tonight… before you came down, he told me if he didn’t see improvement right then, he’d have taken you with him.”

  Dread filled me instantly. My skin prickled at the thought of Zach tearing me away from Dante. No wonder he’d been so cold and distant towards me. His behaviour made more sense in that context. At least to me, it did. All Dante had done was try to protect me and keep Zach from taking me. Even if it’d hurt me, he’d done it for the right reasons. If there were any right reasons in this fucked up mess.

  “I hate your father,” I whispered.

  “Join the club.”

  “Why do you do it? Why do you put up with him?”

  He looked away from me, his expression growing dark.

  “I don’t have any other choice. It’s the only way I can keep them and you safe.”

  “Them?”

  “Jen, Fi and James.”

  Wait, what? Protect his siblings from Zach? What does he mean?

  “Why do they hate you if you’re protecting them?”

  “They think I’m like him. I had to do that in order to fool Zach too. They don’t know the truth. They can’t. It’s for their own good. So even if they hate me, it’s worth it to keep them safe from him. I couldn’t sit back and watch him hurt them any longer. So I did what I had to… it’s a lot to explain and now isn’t the time but know that I’m not my father. I’m not a monster like him.”

  My heart broke for him. I read between the lines. Zach abused them all. I could see it in his eyes. Physical and emotional abuse. I didn’t want to press him. I couldn’t imagine it was easy to talk about.

  Was that why he had an aversion to touch? Had his father really hurt him that much?

  The whole thing made me ill. I didn’t think I could hate Zach any more than I already did. I was wrong. He was a monster like Dante said.

  “I won’t lie, you did behave like a dick to me in the beginning. It’s different now.”

  He smiled at me. A smile which made my heart thump.

  “Not that I’m excusing your behaviour or anything, but I didn’t make it any easier.”