by Sarah Bailey
“The man she’s next to, the one with all the tattoos, that’s her husband, right?”
He’d taken his suit jacket off and his sleeves were rolled up. He was looking down at his wife with an expression of absolute adoration on his face.
“Yeah.”
“And you wish it was you.”
“Am I really that easy to read?”
My eyes flicked over to him. He was giving me a half smile.
“No. Just made it my life’s mission to learn the subtleties of body language and human interaction.”
“Interesting… Tell me, what else have you noticed?”
I shouldn’t tell him. There were lines I shouldn’t cross but he seemed so sad. Was it wrong for me to want to help distract him for a while?
“Your brother and his wife… They have a Dom and Sub relationship going on there.”
James’ eyes widened and his eyebrows shot up.
“What?”
“I’d like to say it was an observation but when they were over by the bar earlier, I overheard them whispering about what they intend to do later. I’ll spare you the details.”
As a bartender, you heard a lot of things you weren’t supposed to.
He scrunched up his face for a moment.
“I need another drink.”
I cleared away the shot glasses and poured him a rum and coke.
A few people approached the bar so I walked off to serve them. It was ten minutes before I finished with the sudden influx of people. James was still propped up on the barstool, but this time he was staring into his half empty glass.
“You know, weddings are supposed to be happy occasions.”
“I am happy… for Dante.”
“But not yourself.”
He shrugged. I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to continue talking to him. I didn’t usually make small talk with customers let alone strange men. There was something different about James. Maybe I just understood there were some deep seated wounds that never healed. He and I were the same in that respect. Except I knew he’d been abused because it was splashed all over the news. He knew nothing about me.
“Why does your best friend look so familiar?”
I really couldn’t put my finger on it.
“Who? Avery? Oh… She used to be a Daniels.”
That name sent a chill down my spine. The urge to be sick burnt in the back of my throat but I swallowed it down.
“Oh?”
“Yeah, she sold the company after the scandal. She had nothing to do with it.”
He hadn’t noticed the change in my mood. I knew exactly who she was now. Her and her husband had donated a lot of money to a charity set up in the wake of the scandal. They helped girls who’d been sold and sex trafficked.
Girls like me.
Shaking myself internally, I shoved those memories away.
“They’re all in prison now, aren’t they?”
You know they aren’t, Ellie. You know who might still be out there.
“That’s what they say.”
“You don’t believe that?”
His eyes darkened slightly.
“All I know is the world is full of secrets and not everyone who does bad shit gets punished for it.”
His tone made me pause. He sounded bitter and I couldn’t think who he might be referring to with that statement. His father was in prison so it couldn’t be him.
“You’re right. The world is full of darkness and bad people who get away with it.”
Saying that was probably a bad idea. Getting chummy with a patron was too. What was it about him? He was easy on the eyes, of course, but his whole family was attractive so that hardly surprised me. It’s not like I fancied him. I didn’t really experience anything but dread at the thought of another person touching me intimately.
Maybe I just saw a kindred spirit. That had to be it. Surely. Nothing else made sense.
“Well, everyone and their fucking dog knows my sorry story, but I won’t ask about yours.”
I would tell you if you did.
Where the hell did that thought come from? I’d never told anyone. Not even the therapists they’d sent me to when I’d been ‘rescued’. I didn’t talk about my experiences nor the scars I carried.
I had to stop talking to him or I’d end up revealing my life story. Why did this guy have me wanting to do such things? Could he and I be friends? It’s not like anything more would ever transpire. He was blatantly in love with his best friend and I couldn’t imagine having sex and actually enjoying it. Not after what I’d been through.
“Maybe one day you’ll ask me and I’ll be inclined to tell you.”
He really seemed to look at me then. His eyes darted across my face as if taking in my dark hair which I’d tied up in a bun and my sky blue eyes, a lighter shade than his. They roamed lower, dancing across my black shirt as if he could see what lay beneath. His stare made my scars itch and my skin prickle uncomfortably.
“One day, eh? So you’re not just a bartender trying to cheer up my miserable arse then?”
I shrugged as I leant back against the bar behind me.
“Maybe at first. You’re not such a bad conversationalist.”
He laughed. It had a rich almost baritone note to it. The sound of it vibrated across my skin. I couldn’t help smiling.
“You don’t think so?”
He grinned, taking a sip of his drink.
“My friends would tell you I like to take the piss out of them more than I have deep conversations. Take Avery, when she first started seeing Aiden, I told her they were like beauty and the beast so when I found out his pet name for her is princess, it became prime wind up material.”
My eyes fell on his friend and her husband. He wasn’t really much of a beast in looks. Rather handsome if you liked the ripped body and tattooed bad boy look. Though I suppose them having a baby together took the hard edge off him. I could see why James might compare his friend to Belle though.
“Disney princesses always get their happy ever after.”
“She got hers.”
He looked down at his glass again. I didn’t know the story behind him and his friend but I could see it was painful for him. That he didn’t want to feel this way about her.
I decided on my next course of action there and then. It was a stupid thing to do, but someday I had to learn to live again. So why not live a little now?
I took a napkin from one of the holders and grabbed the pen I’d left by the till. James watched me as I started to write. I spun it around to him when I was done.
One month from today if we’re both still miserable and haunted by our pasts, I promise to meet you outside this hotel and exchange one story from our lives with each other.
I’d left two places for us to sign our names. I’d already done mine.
Eleanor Kirkwood
I watched his expression. He didn’t look up at me. He simply picked up the pen and signed his name too.
James Benson
He pushed the napkin back to me. I shook my head.
“Keep it. I’ll remember.”
He took the napkin and slipped it into the inside pocket in his suit jacket. Picking up his glass, he knocked back his drink. Then he looked at me with those soulful ocean blue eyes of his.
“Maybe we’ll see each other again… Ellie Kirkwood.”
He slipped off his stool and walked away towards where his sisters were almost falling over themselves.
And he didn’t look back.
It would’ve been like one of those stupid romantic comedies if he had.
I shook my head. I probably wouldn’t see James Benson again, but it didn’t matter. I was taking my life back into my own hands one small step at a time.
Today was a good day. I made conversation with a man and I didn’t feel like I wanted to throw up or tear my skin from my body. That had to count for something.
Di
dn’t it?
I kind of hope I see him again. That he doesn’t forget about the napkin and the promise we just made to each other.
Chapter Three
James
A knock at the office door startled me. I slipped the napkin back into my pocket and called for them to come in. That napkin. I’d read it over so many times since Dante’s wedding.
Eleanor Kirkwood.
Ellie.
She had very swirly handwriting and she put a heart above her i’s.
It wasn’t as though I was interested in starting something new with anyone. There was just something about Ellie Kirkwood. She seemed to recognise things in me I preferred to keep hidden. Things I hated about myself. And if I was honest, I wondered what her story was too.
Cassie walked in, her curly light brown hair tied up in a bun, caramel skin stark against her white shirt which clung to her breasts. I knew exactly what lay beneath that tight pencil skirt and killer heels with the signature red bottoms.
“You wanted me?” she said as she approached my desk.
I did? Oh, wait…
“Um, yeah, I need to run over some of last year’s financials.”
She looked a little disappointed. Was she expecting it to be of a personal nature? Not for the first time I felt like an absolute cunt. She deserved more than this. It was just easy with her. Easy to forget because she looked nothing like her. She felt nothing like her.
I was trying not to fall back into bad habits. Ever since Dante’s wedding, I’d been determined to keep Cassie at arm’s length. Return to being just colleagues and not sleep with her.
“Oh, okay. Right.”
She didn’t come around the desk even though that’s what she’d usually do when we were working on something together.
“Look, James, are we okay?”
I frowned.
“Yeah, course, why wouldn’t we be?”
She fiddled with the sleeve of her shirt.
“It’s just… You know what, it doesn’t matter. What financials do you need to run?”
She walked around the desk, pulling a chair with her. I should’ve asked her to elaborate, but I really didn’t want to have that conversation.
The next hour was awkward and uncomfortable, like both of us were treading on eggshells. It wasn’t meant to be this way. Cassie was a girl you dated, fell in love with and got married to. And here all I’d done is managed to screw things up and string her along for six months. Six fucking months. Why did she put up with me?
“A couple of us are going out for drinks after work,” she said as she stood up. “You should come.”
“I can’t.”
If it had been any other night, I might have taken her up on that offer. Not tonight though. I had something important to do tonight. And if Cassie had been my girlfriend, she’d have known that. Known why. But she wasn’t and I didn’t volunteer personal information much.
“Oh… okay. Another time then.”
Her dark eyes betrayed the sting of my refusal.
“Cass, it’s not that I don’t want to… I have a family thing.”
She nodded but didn’t look convinced. If anything, she just looked dejected. I’d said the wrong thing. First it was the wedding and now it was family stuff. She didn’t like me not involving her in my life.
Why can’t I just be honest and tell her I’m sorry but whatever we shared is over?
I was a coward. A fucking coward.
“Yeah, okay, whatever. I get it.”
She started to walk away.
“Cassie…”
She didn’t turn back to me, but she stopped in her tracks.
“You know what, just don’t. I thought maybe you’d been busy, but I don’t think you are. I was okay with your unwillingness to open up to me in the beginning. Now, I think you don’t want to let anyone in.”
She looked at me over her shoulder.
“You let me know if you decide this is worth salvaging or not because right now, I don’t know how to get through to you.”
I didn’t know what to say. She walked out and shut my office door behind her when I didn’t respond. Running a hand through my hair, I sat back and groaned. This had turned into a complete mess. I needed to sort my shit out. Either I wanted to be with Cassie or I didn’t. She deserved to be told straight. For me to let her go so she could be with someone who would love her the way she needed.
The truth was I wasn’t capable of that. Dante’s wedding made things very clear to me.
I was still in love with Avery.
And I needed to find a way to fall out of love with her.
***
I still had the key to Dante and Liora’s house so I walked right in without ringing the doorbell. I discarded my coat in the hall cupboard before sticking my head into the dining room. Liora had redecorated in here. It was now light and airy with pale green walls and a beautiful white wooden table and chairs. The table was set for eight, but no one was in here yet. I wandered into the kitchen, finding my sisters with Liora who was busy preparing dinner.
Jen noticed me and punched me in the arm when I walked over. I rubbed it, scowling at her.
“Sup baby brother?”
“Not much.”
Liora turned, a soft smile appearing on her face.
“James.”
She put her arms out. We embraced for a moment.
“You look good. How was the honeymoon?”
She waved me off and went back to the stove. They’d spent three weeks in Thailand.
“It was amazing. Dante said he sent photos.”
“He did. Spectacular views you had from that place in the mountains.”
“Oh yes, we visited so many temples and the food - oh my god, I died and went to heaven. I had some lessons, so that’s what you’re getting tonight.”
Liora was an amazing cook. I loved coming here now since everything between all of us had settled down and there were no more secrets and lies.
“I look forward to it. Where’s Dante and Brent?”
“Upstairs. The two of them have become obsessed with the Nintendo Switch. I’m regretting getting it for Brent’s birthday.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“You bought a thirty two year old man-child a games console?”
The twins sniggered. Jen rolled her eyes as if to say ‘typical Brent’. He would probably deck me for calling him that but fuck it. He’d said worse about me.
“I thought he would keep it downstairs. Ever since we got back, those two have been on that thing. You’d think they were teenagers again. Trust me, I’m glad my husband is going back to work next week.”
I was too. We needed Dante at the office. At least then I wouldn’t have a reason to further deal with Cassie at work.
Coward.
The doorbell went.
“I’ll get that,” I said, wanting to be away from my thoughts about the office and Cassie.
It was Avery and Gertie. Both of them gave me a hug after they walked in.
“What? No little one?” I asked.
Avery gave me a look.
“You know she’s with Aiden tonight.”
I nodded. We’d agreed no partners except Liora as this was her house and she was family now.
“Well, you can either go watch the teenagers fight it out over Mario Kart or see the girls.”
“Teenagers?” Gertie asked.
“Liora bought Brent a Switch. Apparently, him and Dante have regressed.”
They both rolled their eyes before following me to the kitchen.
“Something smells amazing,” Avery said, nodding at the twins and giving Liora a hug.
I leant against the counter and watched them all talk about the honeymoon. My family. The thought of it made my heart ache. That’s what she should be. Family. And she was, but I wanted her to be more. A permanent fixture in my life. Someone to be right by my side.
I
shook myself. These thoughts had to end. I had to stop. For my sake and hers.
Dinner between the eight of us was a noisy affair. Everyone seemed to be talking over one another. I sat in between Avery and Gertie, Brent sat with the twins on the other side with Dante and Liora at either end. It didn’t escape my notice that Brent sat next to Fi rather than Jen.
I watched Dante and Liora carefully, trying to see if Ellie was right. Did my brother really have some BDSM kinks? Not that I was judging, it just surprised me considering our upbringing. Then again, out of the four of us, Dante was most like Dad. Just not the abusive/murdery side of our father. He definitely got his hidden compassionate and caring side from Mum. She was always so kind. My heart ached at the thought of her. That was the reason we were here. It was the anniversary of her death. Before our relationship soured, we used to do something together, just the four of us, to remember her as she was. We decided last year we should start again. Everyone here, except Liora and Brent, knew my mother in some capacity. Avery knew her better than Gertie, but she was still a part of their lives.
Dante clinked his glass with his knife, which made everyone quiet.
“I’m shit at speeches, so this won’t take long. We all know why we’re here tonight. Mum was an incredibly special woman who gave with her whole heart. None of us would be where we are today without her. We miss you, every single day. To Mum.”
We all raised a glass and echoed his sentiments.
“To Mum,” the twins and I said in unison whilst the others said, “To Margo.”
Dante didn’t need to say much. Everyone here knew what she’d been through, even Gertie. I’d told her the whole sorry story along with Avery and Aiden not long after the news of our dad’s arrest broke.
“Should we share memories of Mum?” Fi asked.
“Can do,” Dante said, looking around to see if anyone objected. When no one did, he continued, “Why don’t you go first since you suggested it.”
Fi grinned wickedly, her eyes falling on me. I instantly knew what story she was going to tell and I almost groaned.
“Remember the time we dressed James up like a doll, makeup and all.” She looked at Jen. “Mum found us. She couldn’t stop laughing then she picked him up and told him he was her beautiful baby girl. I swear you ignored all of us for two days afterwards.”