by Sarah Bailey
“I’m in this. All the way in. I just…”
“You’re afraid of the fallout.”
I nodded, dropping my hand back on the sofa. No matter how I looked at it, there would always be a fallout. I couldn’t spare myself or anyone else that pain. Not when the cords binding Jensen and I together had tightened until they were almost suffocating. Neither of us could be free. He was my air and I was his. I felt it in the way he kissed me. The way he touched me. The way he looked at me.
I’d become his everything just as he was mine.
“I’m afraid of how much I need you,” I whispered.
The truth I’d been holding back since the moment I decided I couldn’t be without him.
He leant down towards me until our breath mingled. His hands were planted by my head, leaving me feeling caged in by him.
“We’ve already fallen over the edge, little one. It happened the moment you let me kiss you. We’re drowning in each other. Do you want to come up for air?”
I shook my head, my lips brushing against his.
“Am I worth all this guilt and pain to you?”
I’d already answered that question once today, so I didn’t hesitate.
“Yes.”
“No one has ever looked at me in the way you do or seen me as worthwhile. No one except…” he trailed off, his eyes suddenly hollow and empty.
“Except who?”
He didn’t move away from me but I felt him withdraw into himself. The pain radiating off him wasn’t because of me. It had everything to do with what broke him and his family apart. The way he’d talked about it that day in the café made my heart ache.
I didn’t want him to retreat or feel like he couldn’t open up to me. He might be my therapist, but he needed someone too. I wanted to be that someone. He told me he needed me, but how much? Enough to let me in?
“Who did you lose?”
I thought for a long moment he wouldn’t answer me. That he’d pull away and tell me not to pry into his past. If he did, I’d take it on the chin and accept he wasn’t ready even if it would hurt like a bitch. He shifted, bringing one of his hands up to my face. His thumb ran along my bottom lip.
“My little sister.”
His voice was so soft but so full of pain. I could hear the agony and torment in those three words.
“She would’ve loved you,” he whispered before he kissed me.
All of his emotions bled into the kiss. Desperate and all consuming, like he needed me to understand the anguish and bitterness which encompassed him. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him to me as if I could stem the way his heart and mine bled. Because I understood the magnitude of loss. Of having someone you loved torn away from you under brutal circumstances. And there was no doubt in my mind what happened to his family couldn’t have been anything but brutal. Especially if the loss of his sister is what caused the rift between them.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered against his lips.
He rocked against me, grinding his hardening length across my pussy through our clothes. Need flooded my veins, but I knew I shouldn’t let him get lost in me like this. He needed to talk about it. I needed an explanation. I turned my face away from his even though it killed me to do so.
“What happened?”
His lips trailed down my jaw, making me shudder as he buried his face in my neck.
“She took her own life.”
I swallowed back the sob threatening to rise out of my throat at his words.
“W…why?”
He rolled us over onto our sides, wrapped his arms around me and pressed his face into my chest. There was silence for a long moment. I buried one of my hands in his hair, stroking my fingers down his neck with my other hand.
“Hailey was only fourteen when it happened. She turned up on my doorstep in floods of tears not long before I had to go on shift. It was my first year as a junior doctor, so the hours were brutal, but I loved it, you know. She’d always been a smart kid, so full of life, always looking on the bright side of things, she had the world at her feet, but that day, she looked broken. Like life had destroyed the perfect pieces of her soul. She wouldn’t tell me what happened. All she said is she couldn’t go back and asked if she could stay with me.”
He clutched me tighter as if I was the only thing holding him together at that moment.
“I should’ve stayed in the flat. I should’ve asked her what was wrong. Made her tell me what happened, but I didn’t. I left her there whilst I went to work, thinking when I returned home, she would talk to me. She would tell me everything. But when I got back after my twelve hour shift, the flat was deadly silent.”
My heart ached because deep down, I knew exactly what he was going to say. I had a feeling it would tear me to pieces.
“I called out her name, but there was nothing… and… I found her… her…”
His voice was clogged with emotion. His body tensed as he tried not to shake with the effort of holding back whatever it was threatening to eat him up inside. I leant my cheek against the top of his head, not knowing what else to do.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. “Take your time. I’m right here. I’m not leaving you.”
His hold on me loosened a little. His hand skimmed around my back and trailed down my side. It was only when it slipped in between us and dipped into my underwear I realised what he was doing.
“Jensen, that’s not a…” His hand slid between my legs and he thrust two fingers inside me. “…good idea. Oh… Oh shit.”
His palm ground against my clit as he fucked me with his fingers. My hands dug into his head, not sure whether to tell him to stop or keep going.
“I need you. I need inside you. Right now.”
Hearing the desperation in his voice left me in no doubt he was going to take me whether it was a good idea for us to have sex right now or not. His fingers left my pussy and he tore my underwear down my legs, not even caring about the loud ripping sound which told me he’d ruined that pair for good. I didn’t get a chance to think about it as he tugged his cock out and pressed himself in between my legs, thrusting into me with little warning.
“Little one,” he groaned. “Fuck.”
His hand banded around my hip and he pushed deeper, impaling me on his length inch by inch. I let out a strangled cry, not completely prepared for this sudden turn of events.
“I fucking need you.”
He pulled his face away from my chest and stared up at me, his verdant eyes full of pain and anguish. My heart fractured at the sight of them.
“You have me. I promise.”
It was all I could think to say. He reached up and tugged me down to his level so he could kiss me. Tongues clashed as he started to rock against me, which had his cock hitting just the right spot. I moaned in his mouth, unable to help the sound spilling out. When he pulled away, he cupped my cheek and I knew this was it. There was no more holding back.
“There was blood all over the floor in the kitchen. She was slumped on the floor by the counters, a knife by one of her hands. She’d cut herself from wrist to elbow on both arms. They were so deep. She was still alive at that point, still breathing, but shallowly. The doctor in me knew I couldn’t save her, but it didn’t stop me trying. I wrapped her wrists up to stem the bleeding. She opened her eyes and looked at me. All I could see was apology in them and she whispered, ‘I’m sorry, Jensen. I can’t go on. Please forgive me.’ I wrapped my arms around her, held her close and told her it was okay over and over again. Then she was gone. She died in my fucking arms and I couldn’t do a single thing about it.”
I couldn’t begin to imagine what that was like. To be there in the moments before someone you loved died. The agony he must’ve felt. The only person I knew who’d suffered that kind of pain was Dante.
“I couldn’t save her.”
Words failed me. He looked so lost and broken. I knew there was more to it, but he was stuck in that mo
ment. The moment she died. The moment he lost his baby sister. I leant forward and kissed his forehead, my hand tangling in his hair.
“What do you need?” I whispered.
He froze for a moment, then moved, rolling us over so I was on my back. He dragged one of my legs up towards my chest, giving him deeper access as he started to fuck me again. He didn’t look at me, rather buried his face in my neck, his lips pressed against my skin.
“You. Only you, little one.”
If he needed me, he could have me any way he wanted. Each thrust echoed with his agony. Each kiss he placed on my neck was laced with his pain. My heart bled further and I wasn’t sure how to patch up the wound. Never in my life had anyone told me they needed me in the way Jensen did. Like he wanted to rip me wide open and tear out my soul. So he could own something pure and innocent because he’d lived so long in darkness. Except he knew I’d lived in the depths of despair too. Two broken souls desperately needing another to hold on to. To save them from themselves.
That’s what Jensen and I were.
Broken.
Would we be able to put ourselves back together? Could I be his balm just as he was mine?
He pried one of my hands off his back, pressing it down on the sofa and entwining our fingers together.
“I can’t lose you,” he whispered. “I can’t. You’re bringing me back to life. You have to stay right here. Don’t leave me, Fi. Don’t fucking ever leave me no matter how hard this gets.”
I never thought I’d hear him beg for anything. Jensen had always been confident and self-assured to the point of arrogance in the time I’d known him. Now, I could see it was a front he put up to hide his inner turmoil. What he showed the world and what he was showing me were two very different versions of himself.
“I won’t. I need you. You hear me? I need you.”
The walls between us shattered, crumbling to dust at our feet.
“You’re mine.”
His words vibrated across my skin. I felt it deep within my soul.
“Yours.”
He thrust harder, pounding into me with little care for how rough he was being. I didn’t care. I needed this as much as he did. He didn’t stop until I cried out his name over and over, my nails digging into his back. He grunted out his own release before collapsing on top of me and pinning me to the sofa.
Neither of us said anything for a long while. When I found it impossible to keep breathing, I pushed against his chest and he shifted off me, propping himself up on his elbow next to me. His fingers drifted over my chest, stroking me through his t-shirt.
“There’s more to the story,” I said.
“Yes… but I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
I reached up and brushed his hair back from where it’d fallen in his face.
“You don’t have to… but I want you to know how much I appreciate you confiding in me. For letting me in.”
His smile was a little hollow, but I could understand why. He’d torn open a festering wound so he could share his past with me. Grabbing my hand, he kissed my fingertips.
“I trust you to keep my secrets, little one.”
My heart slammed against my ribcage. Having his trust meant the world to me. I think he knew that because his eyes shone as he looked at me. The anguish still lingered, but there was happiness in his verdant gaze too.
I glanced down at our tangled mess of clothing. My underwear was halfway down one of my legs, completely shredded and his boxers were hanging off the edge of the sofa.
“You owe me a new set of underwear.”
He bit his lip, amusement suddenly painting his features.
“I’ll buy you a thousand pairs just to rip them off you again.”
I rolled my eyes.
“That’s a bit wasteful, don’t you think?”
“Then perhaps you should just stay naked so I don’t wreck your clothes.”
I couldn’t help it. He looked so serious when he said that. My laughter rang through the room. After all the tension between us, it was a welcome relief. When I finally composed myself, he was grinning at me.
“You think I’m not serious, little one?”
“I think you need to get your mind out of the gutter.”
He leant down towards me.
“Never.”
He kissed me and I melted. It was only when my phone rang in my bag, which was still by the doorway, that he pulled away.
“I probably need to get that.”
He let me get up. I grabbed a box of tissues from his side table by his armchair on my way over to my bag, pulling a few out so I could clean myself up. I tugged off my destroyed underwear before digging out my phone and checking who it was.
Dante.
I should’ve guessed one of them would call me since I’d disappeared without a word.
“It’s my brother.”
I brought the phone over to the sofa and sat down next to Jensen. He’d sat up and had tugged his boxers back on. I set my phone down on my knee and answered it, putting it on speaker.
“Hey Dante.”
“You better have a real explanation for why you walked out today because I’m not buying this ‘I’m not well shit’ I got off Ellie.”
Chapter Seventeen
Jensen
Fi looked at me, her eyes wide and unsure. What did she expect me to do? I couldn’t tell her what to say to him other than not to tell him who I was. And probably not to mention where she was. As if him finding out about us would ever go down well. From what I knew, he’d done the research to find me for them in the first place.
“I…” she started but faltered.
“Jen tells me you’ve been acting weird ever since the two of you started therapy. You’re not confiding in her. This disappearing act isn’t like you, Fi. I’m worried about you.”
He didn’t sound annoyed with her, just concerned. Overprotective brother. He needn’t be now since she had me. I’d do whatever it took to keep Fi safe. She was mine.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what? Walking out on Liora’s birthday party?”
“Yes… and for worrying everyone.”
He sighed. Fi crept closer to me. I reached out and took her hand, giving it a squeeze.
“So you’re not unwell.”
“No.”
I trusted her not to tell him about me, but the way she’d broken down earlier concerned me. The pressure of hiding this had clearly got to her. It hadn’t even been long, but she had a soft heart when it came to her family. Something I couldn’t blame her for considering it sounded like it was them against the world for most of their lives.
“You don’t want to tell me what’s wrong.”
She fiddled with the hem of my t-shirt which only just came up to the tops of her thighs.
“I don’t like keeping any of you in the dark.”
“Then why are you?”
She looked at me again, her blue eyes betraying her conflicted state of mind.
“I’m trying to stand on my own two feet without relying on you and Jen. You wanted me to go to therapy. You wanted me to help myself. That’s what I’m doing.”
“So what, withdrawing from your family is helping yourself? Does your therapist know you’re doing this?”
I winced. Of course, I fucking knew. I’d asked her not to tell them about us. It didn’t mean I wanted her to completely distance herself from them. That happened to be her own doing and I didn’t exactly approve of it.
“That’s not fair.”
“No, Fiona, what’s not fair is forcing me to leave my own wife’s birthday party to check on you because you fucked off without saying a word to anyone. We made a promise to always be here for each other when Zach went down and you’re breaking it by pushing all of us away. And don’t tell me I did that to you for years because you know I did it to protect you from him. I promised to always keep you safe. You’re my sister and I
love you. So stop acting like I’m the bad guy here.”
Her hand shook in mine as her bottom lip trembled. I wanted to tell him to stop pushing her but I couldn’t say a word.
“I… Dante… I didn’t mean to…”
“It doesn’t matter if you didn’t mean to. It’s what you’re doing.”
She stared down at our entwined fingers, her expression clearing and a determined look appearing on her face.
“You really want to know what happened earlier?”
“An explanation would be nice.”
She met my eyes. Hers asked me to trust her. And whilst I did, I was still worried about what she was going to say next.
“Something triggered me earlier… All I could think about was that day with Dad. I didn’t think it was fair of me to ruin Liora’s birthday party that way. And Doctor Andrews told me if I ever needed to talk outside of session, I could, especially if it was an emergency. I figured this might be one since it’s the first time it’s happened since I started therapy.”
I stared at her, about to open my mouth when she pressed her hand against it, shaking her head at me.
“I just needed someone to talk to, Dante. That’s all. Isn’t it better I talk to the person who’s helping me deal with my problems?”
“He just happens to have spare time for his clients on the weekends, does he?”
I clenched my fist at my side. What the hell was she doing? I didn’t need him thinking I did this with all my clients. Yes, I was there if they needed me but I kept a professional distance. With Fi, all the lines had blurred. Continuing to treat her now I was well and truly emotionally involved? Not a good idea. But I couldn’t let her down. It was screamingly obvious she trusted me enough to open up. I didn’t know if she’d be comfortable with someone else and I didn’t want to take the risk.
“Don’t make it sound like there’s more going on here. What the hell do you take me for? I spoke to him on the phone for half an hour.”
The incredulity in her voice had me realising she was putting on an act for her brother.
“Why couldn’t you have just done that here, Fi?”
And it seemed it might be working.