by Sarah Bailey
“I told you, I didn’t want to ruin anything. Besides, didn’t you and Liora have good news to share?”
“What are you talking about?”
Her lips tugged up at the sides as she dropped her hand from my mouth.
“You’re going to be a dad.”
“Who the fuck told you? Was it Brent? I’m going to kill him.”
I stared at her. When the hell had that happened? Was she going to tell me? I suppose she just had.
“He didn’t say anything. I guessed. Wait… you weren’t announcing it today?”
“No. Today is about celebrating her birthday. She’s going to tell her parents tomorrow.”
“When were you going to tell us?”
He was silent for a long moment.
“I don’t know.”
I had no idea if Fiona was good with kids or not, but I saw the light in her eyes. The news excited her. She wanted this. To be an aunt.
“Wait, it wasn’t an accident, was it?”
“No, nothing like that.”
“Then why do you sound hesitant? You were going to tell us, right?”
“It’s just… a lot.”
She shifted, resting her head against my shoulder.
“You’re going to make a great dad, you know that, right? You’re nothing like him.”
“Aren’t I?
I could hear the note of worry in his voice. Like he didn’t quite believe he wasn’t anything like their father.
“Not in the ways that count, Dante. You might not realise this, but you were our parent after Mum died. You took care of the three of us. Tell Jen and James, okay? They’ll be happy for you, besides, James was trying to make bets as to whether you’d knocked her up or not earlier.”
Having my thoughts about his role in their lives confirmed made me realise that at some point, I was going to have to make sure her brother didn’t completely hate me. Whilst I was sure of Fiona’s feelings towards me, I didn’t want her having to make any decisions between me or them in the long run. That meant one way or another, I had to deal with the consequences of us being together whilst it was completely unethical.
“Seriously? What the fuck?”
“Tell them and don’t get pissed with James. Please?”
He sighed.
“Fine… Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine, Dante. Just tell Liora I’m sorry for leaving.”
“I will. See you at work.”
“Love you.”
“Yeah, love you too.”
He hung up. We were both silent for several minutes, neither one of us wanting to address the issues we were facing. I shifted, looking down at her.
“Come here.”
She sat up so I could tug her into my lap and wrap my arms around her, kissing the top of her head as she laid her hand on my chest.
“I never wanted you to pull away from your family,” I told her. “You need them.”
“They won’t understand.”
“They love you so they will.”
Her fingers drifted over my skin, making me tense.
“So what, I’m just supposed to tell them I have a… boyfriend but I’m not ready to talk about him yet?”
Hearing her call me her boyfriend gave me an odd feeling in my chest. Yes, we were in a relationship, but labels had never really sat well with me.
“I don’t want you to feel like you’re lying to them, little one. I know it hurts you to do so.”
She sighed, laying her palm flat against my chest where my heart was thundering in it. Thundering for her. Only Fi had the ability to tear down the walls between us and make me vulnerable. And I had been totally fucking vulnerable when I told her about Hailey. It was a story I’d never voiced out loud since the day it happened. Not after I gave a statement to the police and explained it to Mum, Dad and Ben.
“It wasn’t your fault, you know,” she murmured.
“What wasn’t?”
“What happened to Hailey.”
“You don’t know the full story.”
She shook her head against my chest, staring up at me.
“I don’t need to.” She reached up, brushing a hand across my cheek. “They blame you for not saving her, don’t they?”
I nodded slowly. “That and a whole bunch of other things I did afterwards broke our family apart.”
“You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.”
I eyed her for a moment wondering how she knew exactly what to say.
“When did you get so wise?”
She smiled softly, her blue eyes radiating with affection.
“I used to think for a long time Dante didn’t want to be saved. He did everything to protect us from Dad, even going so far as to fall in line with him so Dad wouldn’t get to us. You’d think he had some kind of hero complex, but he’s too brooding for that. It was only when Liora entered the picture I saw him smile again. Like he’d found something worth living for. Before that, I don’t think he really cared if he lived half alive. I guess it made me realise you have to want to help yourself.”
She dropped her hand from my face and stared at my chest. Her expression seemed hesitant as if the next words out of her mouth would change everything.
“I didn’t want to do this at first. Talk about my past to a stranger. I agreed to it for Jen and Dante. Then I found out it was you… The whole thing made me nervous because of what happened between us, but I felt safe to tell you about it. Maybe because we’d been intimate, I don’t know. I had a reason to help myself. Not to say I’m having therapy for you or anything, it’s for me. I’m doing it for me. I don’t want to be broken any more… I want to be worthy… of you.”
I stared at her for the longest moment. She thought she wasn’t worthy of me. Those simple words blindsided me. If anything it was me who wasn’t worthy of her. Such a precious, innocent and beautiful soul. That she saw herself as lesser made something inside me snap. I moved so suddenly, she gasped as I pressed her back on the sofa and towered over her, my hand curling around her neck. Her blue eyes were wide, but she didn’t struggle even when I leant towards her until our noses brushed.
“You are not broken or unworthy of anyone, least of all me. You’re beautiful, strong, successful and anyone would be lucky to know you let alone have you stand beside them. No one is getting that chance though, little one. You’re mine. Do you understand? Mine. You stand by my side and my side only, tall and fucking proud. And I’m proud and honoured you’ve chosen me. That you want me as your man. No more of this ‘I’m not worthy of you’ shit. You’re going to own who you are. This beautiful little soul of yours deserves to be free and alive.”
She raised her hand and placed it over mine on her neck. Tears welled in her eyes and for a moment, I thought I might have pushed her too far. Said too much.
“Jensen,” she whispered, her voice filled with emotion. “You’re mine too.”
Her words wrapped around my heart, squeezing tightly as I realised the truth of them. She had me in the palm of her hand. This young beauty who’d torn apart my world and put it back together again. I was as much hers as she was mine. I belonged to her. She’d made sure of that by just being her. And she’d owned who she was when she uttered those words.
“You’re mine too.”
“I know I am.”
I kissed her, letting go of her neck and allowing her to wrap her arms around me. She held me closer, her leg curling around mine and keeping me pinned to her.
I never thought I’d allow anyone in. Let anyone have power over me.
She did. She had so much power over me and whilst it was terrifying, I’d never felt so alive.
“I’m not letting you go,” I murmured against her lips.
“I’m not leaving you no matter what,” she whispered back.
And we lost ourselves in each other for the third time that day, neither of us caring about all the unspoke
n words between us in the moments we were locked together.
***
“You’ll be proud of me,” Jennifer said when she sat down on the sofa in my office.
I kept a neutral expression, but I was intrigued by her statement.
“What makes you say that?”
I took a seat in my armchair, picking up my tablet and watching her carefully. Her smile was bright and her blue eyes seemed full of life. I’d never seen her look so… radiant before. It reminded me of the way Fi smiled at me when she was teasing me about something.
Fuck. You can’t mix them up with each other.
Fi and Jen were alike, but their differences were significant. Not least because when I looked at my girl, my heart felt like it was about to fucking explode out of my chest. She held my world in the palm of her hand. I couldn’t imagine a day when I wouldn’t want her. Wouldn’t need her. Wouldn’t crave her presence like she was the oxygen I’d been deprived of for so long.
“After we spoke about my diagnosis, I realised you were right. So I took all the steps you laid out and I’ve not had a nightmare in three weeks. At least not that I can remember. I know they might happen again, but I feel lighter. Less… burdened.”
“That’s great, Jennifer. I’m glad to hear it.”
She smiled wider.
“I want to thank you, Doctor Andrews. If it wasn’t for you, I’d still be feeling out of control of my life. Writing down all my feelings about Dad has brought me some peace, you know. Acknowledging what he did, like really acknowledging it and not just rehashing it over and over again… it’s like I’m seeing the world with new eyes.”
Sometimes clients felt like this when they made breakthroughs. It didn’t mean treatment was over. Jen had other things she needed to work through and it was important she understood that.
“And I’ve decided I want to sort things out with Fi. We’ve been so distant, but I’m ready to fix that.”
I sat forward in my chair a little. Jen looked sincere, but it worried me. How would Fi feel about this? I knew she hated the distance between her and Jen. She hadn’t yet revealed to her family she had a boyfriend even though we’d spoken about her doing so.
“How are you proposing to repair your relationship with your sister?”
She cocked her head to the side.
“I’m not stupid. I know she’s seeing someone, but for whatever reason, she’s not ready to tell me. I want her to know that’s okay. We may be twins, but I think living in each other’s pockets for so long has meant we’re both scared of hurting the other. Of pulling away and giving our focus to a relationship. Does that make sense?”
I nodded slowly and sat back.
“So you want to tell her it’s okay for her to have other people in her life?”
“Something like that. Fi has always been so reserved and quiet about guys. I think after Liam, she seeks my approval, you know. She wants me to like who she’s with because my opinion matters to her.”
“Why do you think that?”
Jen considered my question for a long moment, tapping her fingers on her leg. She was wearing a bright pink blouse and navy capris today.
“She’s my sister, but also we’re connected on a deeper level. I don’t know if I believe in shit like soulmates. If I had one, it would be Fi. She gets me. She’s always been there. I think she feels the same way about me. It’s a twin thing. Like a connection no one else can share.”
That was the thing about twins, especially identical ones. They’d come from one egg. They had a connection formed in the womb which in some ways was unbreakable. There were always exceptions to the rule, of course, but I didn’t think it was the case between these two. Whilst I hadn’t seen them interact together apart from their first session with me, I got that impression from what Jen and Fi told me about their relationship with each other.
“Do you think you both have room for others in your lives?”
“Yeah… I do. I’d like to find a special connection with someone else, but it’d never replace what I share with Fi. I’d like to hope she feels the same way.”
She paused, looking down at her hands and letting out a long sigh.
“At first I didn’t think us not talking about our therapy was a bad thing, but now… I think it’s important we did this alone. So we can find who we are without each other.”
“And who are you, Jennifer?”
Her head raised and she met my eyes.
“I’m a survivor, Doctor Andrews. I’ve been through hell and back and I’m still very much here. I can do this. Overcome my past and build a better future for myself.”
I couldn’t help smiling at that. It’d been just under two months and Jen had made significant progress.
“Good. I want you to remind yourself of that fact whenever you’re feeling like the world is becoming too much again. Can you do that?”
Her smile was bright.
“I definitely can.”
Chapter Eighteen
Fiona
I couldn’t help the smile gracing my lips as I opened up Jensen’s latest text message. I may have been hounding him for days to send me a photo of him in his glasses. Jensen didn’t really like photos of himself so getting him to take them was like pulling teeth. Buttering up his ego seemed to work because not only did he have his glasses on, he was also shirtless and in bed.
I’d just sent him a bunch of heart eye emojis back when I heard footsteps. Looking up, I found Jen with two bowls of ice cream in her hands and a raised eyebrow.
“You’re grinning like a fucking loon right now,” she told me as she dumped the bowls on the coffee table and threw herself down next to me.
“I am?”
She poked me in the side.
“Yes. Don’t tell me you’re that excited about Netflixing with your sister.”
“Did you just make up a word?”
She grabbed her bowl and grinned, shaking her head.
“Well, I wasn’t exactly going to call this Netflix and chill.”
She pointed between us. I wrinkled my nose.
“Gross, Jen.”
Throwing back her head, she cackled whilst I placed my phone on the arm of the sofa and grabbed the remote, pressing play on the latest show we were binging.
“Go on, tell me who’s been making you smile more.”
I shrugged, grabbing my own bowl of ice cream and twirling the spoon around in it. Jensen had said I should tell my family I had a boyfriend without revealing it was him. I’d been putting it off. None of them seemed to be harassing me about it any longer. Perhaps they realised I needed to tell them in my own time.
“You already know I’m seeing someone.”
She squealed and slapped my arm.
“You’re finally admitting it. Give me the deets.”
I sighed. What exactly could I say about him that wouldn’t cue Jen in on his identity?
“He’s smart, super hot, very intense and the sex is out of this world.”
“Really? Best you’ve ever had?”
I nodded, stuffing a spoon full of ice cream in my mouth to stop myself blurting out something I shouldn’t. Like how I was pretty sure I would never want another man other than Jensen. How I belonged to him. How I adored his beautiful, broken soul. And how I was falling deeply and irrevocably in love with him with every breath I took. Jensen was my air. My oxygen. He fed my poor, starving lungs. And he’d dug himself into my fragile heart.
“So jealous. I wish I was having out of this world sex.”
I smiled thinking about all the times I’d laid next to Jensen after he’d rocked my world. The way he’d stroke my side in a soothing manner as he stared at me. Sometimes I wondered what he was thinking. Whether he couldn’t believe he’d found me in the dark like I had done him. His verdant eyes always held this intense note to them as if he was scrutinising me. Assessing every inch of me like he wanted to understand each aspect of my personality
and how my brain worked.
“It’s more than sex, Jen,” I mumbled. “I really like him.”
Liar. You’re more than halfway in love with him.
How could I not be? I’d defy anyone not to fall under Jensen’s spell.
“Why have you been keeping him secret?”
I should’ve known that question was coming. It’s not like I ever meant for things to get this far. The night he and I met, I made a reckless decision to sleep with him. A moment of escapism from my screwed up life with a hot older guy. Setting me on a path to an affair with my therapist which had rapidly spiralled into a relationship.
Did I regret how I’d got here?
My actions leading to this point perhaps. The lies and secrets.
But did I regret being with Jensen?
No.
I could never regret Jensen.
“I wanted something to just be mine. No judgments or expectations from anyone else. We’re all so protective of each other in this family. I don’t need shielding. Therapy has made me realise I need scope to make my own decisions about my life. If those end up being mistakes, then it’s on me.” I looked down at my bowl of ice cream. “I’m not scared to fail, but I am scared of losing everyone I love. Instead of owning that, I pushed you all away. I’m sorry and I miss you. I’m not ready to tell anyone who he is yet. I hope you can understand that.”
Jensen told me to own my feelings. Own who I was. Accept me for me. Take what I wanted and that was him. Only him.
Jen popped her bowl down on the coffee table, took mine from my hands and did the same with it. Then she wrapped me up in a hug, clutching me as if her life depended on it.
“That’s okay, Fi. You never have to explain yourself to me, you know that. I’m here when you’re ready. I’m sure I’ll love him if he makes you happy.”
Her words slammed into my chest, making me feel like the worst sister all over again. I knew Jen would like Jensen, but she would hate that we’d lied to her. I didn’t know if she would forgive us or not.
“I love you,” I whispered.
“Love you too.”
She pulled away and ruffled my hair.
“Speaking of therapy… I wanted to tell you about how mine is progressing.”