by Sarah Bailey
“Brent?”
“Yes?”
“Do you want to fuck?”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
What the fuck happened to just friends, Jen?
“Are you serious right now?”
“Perfectly.”
He let out a long sigh.
“This is exactly what I meant by blowing hot and cold with me. I’m not doing this with you anymore.”
I turned over on my side and stared at him. It was dark so his features were hard to make out.
“I don’t know what I want,” I whispered.
“Then work it the fuck out and stop asking for things I can’t give you.”
I felt the sting of his words coursing through me, making me realise just how fucked up it was for me to keep doing this with him. Like I hadn’t told myself enough times to stop thinking about him. To stop craving his touch. To stop wanting it to be more when it couldn’t.
“I’m sorry.”
I turned over and pulled the covers higher, holding them to my chest. Just another fucked up thing I needed to talk to Jensen about. Another part of me I had to fix. I was tired of being broken. Tired of healing all of my old wounds only to find new ones had opened. And I was really tired of feeling like nothing I did was right. That all of my decisions were somehow ruining things for everyone else around me.
“Jen…”
“It’s fine. I get it. I’m just acting fucked up and crazy and you really don’t need that.”
I felt him shift before his hand curled around my waist and he pressed his chin to my shoulder.
“You’re not acting fucked up or crazy.”
“No? Then why do I always feel like I am?”
His hand trailed up my side before he tucked his fingers under my chin and turned my face towards him.
“You’re not fucked up.”
“I wish I could believe you. I can’t even manage to be friends with you without fucking it up. I don’t know how to be normal. I’m not good at any of this.”
He stroked my cheek, making my skin prickle. I felt all of his warmth and it was soothing. My heart ached with longing. A longing I didn’t want to acknowledge.
“I like you the way you are, Jen. Flaws and all. You don’t have to be someone else.”
I felt like my steel fortress had been torn down in that moment. I was just a girl. And Brent was just a boy. One I liked very much. After all this time, I finally saw him for who he was and it wasn’t the dickhead I’d called him for twelve years. No, Brent was nice and he cared a great deal about those who meant something to him.
So I turned around properly and faced him. I could feel his eyes on me in the dark. It wasn’t me who made the first real move, however, that was all him. His hand fell to my waist and curled under my t-shirt, brushing across my bare skin.
“Don’t I? Why do I keep getting everything wrong then? I’m exhausted and I feel broken…” I put my hand on his chest. “…right here. I’m trying so hard with therapy but nothing I do feels good enough. That’s not Jensen’s fault though. He keeps telling me it’ll take time and I need to stop pushing myself so much. I don’t know how to mend all my broken pieces.”
I’d never admitted that out loud. How broken I felt. Not even to Jensen. What Dad did ruined me. And no matter how many times I wrote down what I wanted to say to him, it didn’t make me feel any less angry. I’d been so positive after the nightmares stopped, but now I realised it was only one small step on my journey to recovery.
“I try to stay positive but I’m all alone in this.”
His hand on my waist tightened.
“Have you told Fi you feel like this?”
“No. She’s never around anymore and I don’t want to burden her.”
“You’re not a burden on her or anyone else. Why would you think that?”
I almost scoffed.
“Yeah right, like you even wanted me here in the first place.”
His thumb trailed over my bare skin and I shivered. I used to hate how much his touch affected me, but now, I’d accepted there was some kind of weird pull between me and him. Besides, I knew I affected him just as much. He couldn’t hide it from me.
“I didn’t want you to see where I grew up or my family not because I don’t want you to know me. I just hate this place. I hate coming here with all its reminders. My childhood sucked, Jen. Mum left us when I was nine and Cam was six. Dad has been drinking his life away ever since. Cam had Billy when she was sixteen and by the time Kyle came along, I’d found a way out of this shit. Cam resents me for leaving even though I help her and Dad financially. That’s why she had a go at you, to get back at me. She always pulls this shit.”
I’d never look down on someone because of where they came from. It didn’t matter to me Brent had clearly been raised on a council estate nor that his family still lived there. Didn’t change who he was just because he came from a deprived background. I might have grown up privileged with money, but I’d had a shit childhood too. Who was I to judge?
“She’s jealous of what you have.”
“She’s stuck in the cycle and doesn’t want to pull herself out yet she somehow makes out like all of this is my fault.”
“It’s not. Don’t let her make you feel bad because you wanted more from life.”
He let out a long and hollow sigh.
“I’ve looked after Cam her whole life, she expects me to come running to fix all her problems. She never learnt to stand on her own two feet.”
“Hey, that’s not your fault.”
“Isn’t it? I let her become dependent on me.”
He couldn’t blame himself for his sister’s actions. It made him a good person, wanting to keep his family safe that is.
“You know, you and Dante are more alike than I realised except I hate how interfering he is.”
“What do you mean?”
“Overprotective, wanting to take everything on your own shoulders, fix everyone else’s problems… sound familiar?”
He let out a snort.
“Okay, I guess you have a point.”
“Speaking of Dante, did you tell him I came with you?”
“No.”
I traced lines with my fingertips along his chest, unable to help myself. It felt like forever since I’d last touched him like this. Felt his bare skin against mine.
Who am I kidding? Brent and I will never just be friends. I can’t turn off my feelings for him.
“And here I thought he told you to keep an eye on me for him.”
“I thought that’s what I was doing.”
“Aren’t you reporting on my movements to him?”
“No, whatever you might think of your brother, he’s not interested in violating your privacy. He just wants to know you’re okay.”
I leant closer to him until I was just a whispers breath away from his face.
“Are you going to tell him I’m not after what I said to you?”
“I don’t tell him what we talk about.”
“Then what do you tell him?”
His hand moved higher under my t-shirt, his fingers trailing over my ribcage.
“Not much. His focus is on Liora and the baby, not what you, Fi and James are doing. As long as you don’t fuck up with the company in his absence, he’s got more important things on his mind.”
That was true. Dante had a one track mind at the moment. He barely spent time with anyone except Liora.
“Is he okay?”
“He’s stressed. I don’t think the pregnancy has been easy on him for many reasons.”
“I know Liora’s not been so well through some of it, but what else could he be stressing out about?”
Brent’s hand on my side stilled.
“I can’t talk to you about it.”
“Why not?”
“D’s secrets aren’t mine to tell.”
I was going to pre
ss him, but I stopped. Prying out my brother’s secrets via his best friend was fucked up and wrong. I couldn’t do that to Brent or Dante.
“Is he talking though? Not bottling it all up like he usually does.”
“Sometimes. You know how D is.”
Dante had always been the stoic one with the most to hide. He kept himself locked up tight, only allowing a few people close to him in. Even though he knew most of mine and Fi’s secrets, he never really shared his own with us. I swear James knew more about Dante’s life than I did. I guess sometimes it bothered me, but I’d always had Fi. Now, she was all loved up with Jensen and I was left with no one.
Well… I had Brent, so I guess I had someone even if he wasn’t the someone I expected.
“You know it’s kind of ironic he insisted on Fi and I getting therapy when it’s clear he needs it himself.”
“I wouldn’t tell him that, he’d likely tell you to get lost and stay out of his business.”
I almost laughed. Dante would go apeshit. He might interfere in our lives, but he sure as hell didn’t like anyone trying to interfere in his.
“Have you tried?”
“No, I’m not stupid. Trying to tell him to do anything is like taking your life in your own hands. You think you have a temper, but when D gets pissed, he really loses his shit. You’re lucky you’ve never really been on the receiving end of it.”
Sure, I’d seen Dante angry in the past, but he’d never lost his temper with me, Fi or James.
“Has Liora?”
“Most definitely, but she’s also the only person in the world who can calm him down. She gives him solace. Honestly, getting those two to admit their feelings was a nightmare back when she first came here. The two of them are stubborn as fuck.”
“I can well imagine.”
Was I being just as stubborn? Refusing to admit how I felt even to myself? I didn’t want to think about it. I did too much of that.
My fingers trailed lower, dancing across his stomach. I felt him tense and let out a breath which fluttered across my face.
“Jen…” he whispered, his tone laced with warning.
Even so, his hand crept higher until he cupped my breast, his thumb running over the nub. If he thought we could stop now, he was sorely mistaken. His touch was utterly maddening. Fire burnt in my veins, growing hotter by the second.
“Please,” I breathed.
“Christ, fuck this.”
His mouth crashed against mine, his tongue pressing against my lips and demanding I let him in. His hand left my breast, crushing me to him before he rolled us over so I was on top of him. My hips ground against his, making him moan in my mouth. The sound spurred me on. My hands went to his boxers, tugging at them as he tried to rip my t-shirt off me. Our kiss broke momentarily as clothes flew in all directions, then his lips were back on mine and his hands holding my face so he could devour me.
I ground against him, coating his length in my arousal. Fuck did I want to feel him inside me. It’d been too long. Far too fucking long. Sometimes I wished sex with him wasn’t the best I’d ever had so I didn’t keep wanting what I shouldn’t have.
One of his hands left my face and gripped his cock, angling it upwards so I could sink down on him. I almost choked out a loud groan in his mouth the moment the head of his cock pressed inside me. No one filled me quite like he did. No one felt this good. No one had ever made me crave them with such wild intensity.
He let go of his cock and placed his hand on my thigh, pushing me down so I’d take all of him. How could I ever think I could live without this? How could I take sex off the table when all I wanted was to fuck Brent again and again? He made me feel safe and wanted. Wanted in a way I’d never felt before. He liked me. I mean really liked me. It wasn’t just about sex with him. I could talk to him and he didn’t belittle my feelings. When we were together, I didn’t feel inadequate.
“I’ve missed this,” I whispered. “I’ve missed you.”
I took his hands, lacing my fingers with his as I pressed them against the bed. Staring down at him as I rocked back and forth on his length, I knew there was no going back. We weren’t friends. We were more.
“Jen…”
“Don’t say it. I know all the reasons why we can’t do this.”
“What do you want from me?”
My heart was in my mouth. If I admitted it then this would be real. I wouldn’t be able to take it back. He’d know the truth.
“No labels. Just this. You and me. I don’t want to feel guilty for sleeping with you or wanting to be near you.” I just want you, Brent. All of you. But that part I can’t tell you.
He was silent for a long moment.
“I don’t want to keep lying to D. You know how it felt when Fi kept her relationship with Jensen from you. How is this any different?”
It wasn’t. How could we do this to Dante? Lie to him like this. It hadn’t really hit me before. I mean I knew I shouldn’t lie to my brother but hearing the pain in Brent’s voice made it real.
“It’s not,” I whispered.
“Then you understand why I can’t say yes. Why I can’t give you what you’re asking for.”
I didn’t realise how much a human heart could hurt until he said those words. It burnt, fractured and broke. The shards embedded into my ribcage.
He wouldn’t pick me over my brother.
The person I wanted.
I couldn’t have.
Not in the way I needed.
And all of me really needed this man.
“I do.”
“I’m sorry, Jen. You have no idea how much.”
“We can’t keep doing this.”
“No.”
I let go of his hands and kissed him, holding back the tears which threatened to spill out as I moved against him. His hands went to my hips, encouraging me to ride him harder. And when we both reached that final peak, my heart broke further. I had no idea how I would glue those tiny pieces back together.
When I was sure he’d fallen asleep afterwards, I crept into the bathroom and sat on the lid of the toilet. Silent tears fell down my face as I stuck my fist in my mouth to hold back a sob.
I’d gone and done something stupid.
I’d caught feelings for my brother’s best friend.
And the knowledge he’d never be mine hurt worse than I could’ve ever imagined.
Chapter Twelve
Brent
Did I feel like the world’s biggest arsehole in regard to Jen right now?
You fucking bet.
I knew I’d hurt her. I shouldn’t have given in and slept with her again. She just did shit to me. Made me so crazy for her. I loved the girl to pieces. She meant the world to me, but I couldn’t risk my friendship with Dante. The Bensons were family to me. We were closer than I was to my own. So yeah, that made me a dick for ever starting down this road with Jen.
She’d been quiet when we had breakfast and it remained that way after we checked out and headed over to Cam’s. The girls were jumping up and down when we got there, excited to be spending the day with me. Crystal, Jaqueline and April were all under ten. They were good girls. They might be boisterous and mouthy at times, but they never gave me any attitude. Then again, I never really allowed the kids to get away with any shit with me.
Jen and I had taken them around several shops to outfit them. She’d been smiling then, helping them pick out clothes which suited their personalities. Jen in her element was a sight to behold. The efficiency in which she looked through the racks and hustled the girls into the changing rooms made me fucking proud. She had no idea of the hold she had on me nor how she commanded a room with her presence. I couldn’t tell her how I really felt and it killed me.
She kept smiling at me as if to tell me she liked my nieces. I appreciated her being here and helping them. For the first time since we’d left Dante’s, I didn’t regret bringing her with me. Fuck knows I would’ve been use
less without her.
We took them to lunch before dropping them back home. They’d stormed up the stairs, yelling about how much fun they’d had, which I don’t think Cam was too impressed with, but I didn’t care. The kids had clothes which fit them and it was all that mattered.
We’d popped in to see Dad again, but as usual, he had a can of cider in his hand with his attention on the TV. I’d given up trying to get him out of the house and off the alcohol a long time ago. He didn’t want to help himself.
Jen’s silence on the way home spoke volumes. The dark cloud hanging over us, a suffocating presence I couldn’t get rid of, weighed heavily on me. I wanted to reach out to her, tell her I’d give her what she needed from me. The iron bars separating us and the guilt I felt held me back. Kept me from being with her in the way I’d always wanted.
We were only minutes away from the house, when I finally broke the tense atmosphere.
“Thank you… for helping me with the girls.”
“It’s okay,” she muttered, not looking at me.
“Look, Jen, I—”
“You made yourself very clear last night. I don’t want to talk about it again. It’d only be us going around in circles.”
We were stopped at traffic lights so I reached over and put a hand on her arm. She flinched at the contact.
“I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Too fucking bad. The damage is already done.”
Her words made me feel helpless. I retracted my hand as the lights changed and turned into our road. When I pulled up, Jen already had her hand on the door handle.
“Don’t hate me, please,” I said quietly.
She looked back at me after she opened the door, her blue eyes filled with unshed tears.
“I let you in, Brent,” she whispered. “I let you in like you wanted and I thought you’d let me in too. That’s not what hurts the most. You think there has to be a choice between me and Dante, but you’re wrong. And the fact you can’t see that…” She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t hate you. I just hate I allowed you in enough so you had the power to hurt me.”