The Android's Dream

by John Scalzi

  “He wants to know if you’re really pulling this off, or if this is just some sort of enormous con,” Javna said.

  “Oh, it’s the real thing, all right,” Creek said.

  “I figured it was,” Javna said. “In which case Heffer wants to make an offer of alliance with your friend Robin. Not with Nidu, but with her—although we’ll recognize her as the legitimate ruler of Nidu. And it comes with the offer to sponsor her for membership in the CC.”

  “A single-person nation in the CC,” Creek said. “And I thought this had gotten weird enough already.”

  “You guys started it,” Javna said.

  “Let me pass the offer along,” Creek said.

  “I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Javna said. He looked over to the image of Brian, who was talking to Takk. “When this is over, do you think I can talk to him?”

  “I think you should,” Creek said. “I know he wants to talk to you.”

  “Good God, Harry,” Javna said. “All that time I thought you were just piddling away your talent. You are a piece of work, my friend.”

  “I aim to please,” Creek said, and went to chat with Robin.

  “The UNE wants to sponsor your membership in the Common Confederation,” Creek said.

  “Mine?” Robin said. “As in me, personally?” Creek nodded. “Jeez, Harry, I can barely handle a gym membership.”

  “I’m pretty sure this club comes with better perks,” Creek said.

  “Harry, I wasn’t lying,” Robin said. “I don’t want any of this. I really don’t. I just want you and me and everyone I know to be safe. And I want to go home. That’s all I want. Get me out of this, Harry.”

  Creek looked up. “Here comes Hubu-auf-Getag,” he said. “Let see what he has to say.”

  “Hypothetically,” Hubu-auf-Getag said. “If we were to accept Robin Baker as Fehen. What then?”

  Creek glanced over at Robin, who nodded. “Well, then, Miss Baker would need a governor,” Creek said. “As you know, she already rules her own country. She believes it would be unfair to her citizens to divide her time.”

  “I agree entirely,” Hubu-auf-Getag said. “This governor you speak of. What would his powers be?”

  “They would be like a copy of the powers of the Fehen’s herself,” Creek said.

  “That’s very intriguing,” Hubu-auf-Getag said.

  “There are some limitations,” Robin said.

  “Limitations?” Hubu-auf-Getag asked.

  “Small ones,” Creek assured him.

  “Name them,” Hubu-auf-Getag said.

  “Don’t screw with Earth,” Robin said.

  “I don’t know that idiom,” Hubu-auf-Getag said, to Creek.

  “She means to say that the Earth is now and forevermore off limits for mischief and empire building,” Creek said.

  “I could see a governor agreeing to that,” Hubu-auf-Getag said.

  “And don’t screw with me or my friends,” Robin said.

  “Likewise, retribution against the nationals of Miss Baker by Nidu or any of its agents would be looked upon as a grave injustice,” Creek said.

  “As well it should be,” Hubu-auf-Getag said. “In fact, I do believe a governor would suggest a treaty between our two nations would be in our mutual interests.”

  “How wonderful,” Creek said. “It’s always heartening to discover amity between races.”

  “Anything else?” Hubu-auf-Getag asked.

  “One other thing,” Robin said, and pointed at Narf-win-Getag, still pinned under Takk’s foot. “This one goes to jail.”

  “We can do better than that, I think,” Hubu-auf-Getag said. “Indeed, clan-wide retribution is usually the policy in cases like these.”

  “No,” Robin said. “No one gets killed, and no one else gets punished. Just him, in jail.”

  “Surely you realize he could not have planned all this on his own,” Hubu-auf-Getag said.

  “I think Miss Baker is hoping that by showing judiciousness, she might help keep other clans from attempting the misfortunate sequence of events that lead to this very moment,” Creek said.

  “I see your point,” Hubu-auf-Getag said. “And anything else?”

  Robin shook her head. “I think that’s it,” Creek said.

  “Out of curiosity,” Hubu-auf-Getag said, “in this new world order, would there be a chance for a governor to advance at any point?”

  Creek glanced over to Robin, who shrugged. “I would imagine it would depend on the quality of governorship, and the state of relations with the UNE and the nation of Robin Baker,” Creek said. “If those relationships are kept on extremely amicable terms, I could easily see a governor being rewarded in ten to twelve years.”

  “Those are Earth years, as opposed to Nidu years,” Hubu-auf-Getag said.

  “Optimally,” Creek said.

  “And until that time, the Fehen will have, shall we say, a light hand on the wheel of state,” Hubu-auf-Getag said.

  “Feather-light,” Creek said. “One would hardly know it’s there.”

  “And what about the new, obnoxious personality of the Nidu computer network?” Hubu-auf-Getag said.

  “Oh, well, that stays,” Creek said. “Call it insurance.”

  “But don’t worry,” Brian said, popping by. “He’s trainable.”

  Creek saw that Hubu-auf-Getag was a realist; now that it was clear that the right moves would put him in the same position he had expected to be in before, with a few minor limitations, he was ready to get on board. “There is still one practical difficulty,” he said. “The Nidu are . . . set in our ways about many of our opinions about other species.”

  “You’re racists,” Creek said.

  Hubu-auf-Getag flared for a second, then calmed down. “Agreed,” Hubu-auf-Getag. “That being the case, it would help to have a compelling explanation as to why and how this human has become the Fehen.”

  A voice rang clearly through the Great Hall. “Because she is the Evolved Lamb!”

  Everyone assembled at the dais turned to look at the speaker. It was one of the computer technicians. The second technician stood beside him.

  “She is what?” Hubu-auf-Getag said, to the technician. Normally, of course, he would have had a technician beaten for daring to speak at a ceremony like this. It simply wasn’t done. But there were a number of things about today’s ceremony that simply weren’t done.

  “She is the Evolved Lamb,” the technician said again. “I am Francis Hamn, bishop of the Church of the Evolved Lamb. My associate is Sam Berlant, who is also with the Church. For decades our Church has concerned itself with bringing forth the Evolved Lamb, an entity who combines the best qualities of humanity and the pastoral qualities of the lamb. To aid us in our quest, and to avoid misidentifying the Evolved Lamb, we created a crucible test—a test that only one with the qualities of the Evolved Lamb would be able to accomplish. That test, Hubu-auf-Getag, was your clan’s coronation ceremony. There are only two classes of people who can perform it—members of your clan, and the Lamb herself. And here she is.”

  “I don’t understand,” Hubu-auf-Getag said. “You’re computer technicians.”

  “Yes,” Hamn agreed. “Computer technicians who belong to a church. A church that through its business ventures provided your clan with the Android’s Dream sheep and the computer network which now controls your world and through which your clan’s power has run. We provided your clan the means to power. The cost was that it was also the test for a goal of our own: The creation of an entity prophesied by our founders. Look at her, Hubu-auf-Getag—she is the living embodiment of an entire religion’s purpose.”

  Everybody turned to look at Robin Baker.

  “Oh, for God’s sake,” Robin Baker snapped. “How divine can I be? My feet hurt. I have gas. I need to pee.”

  Hubu-auf-Getag turned back to Francis Hamn. “Be that as it may, your ‘test’ has caused my clan to fall from power.”

  Creek spoke up. “On the contrary, Hub
u-auf-Getag,” he said. “Another clan challenged your power and came to within a hair’s breadth of taking the throne. Only the very fact of who and what Miss Baker is, and her actions during the ceremony, prevented it from happening.”

  “If she wasn’t the Evolved Lamb, Narf-win-Getag would now be Fehen,” Hamn said. “And your clan would have suffered. Gravely.”

  “But now she is Fehen,” Hubu-auf-Getag said.

  “Who is willing to hand nearly the all of her powers to you, Hubu-auf-Getag,” Creek said. “If I were you, I’d sell the ‘divine intervention’ angle to your clan and kin. I’d sell it hard.”

  “I need to confer with my clan,” Hubu-auf-Getag said.

  “But of course,” Creek said. Hubu-auf-Getag walked off.

  “I notice you didn’t mention to Hubu-auf-Getag that your church has manipulated events as much as anyone has in this little adventure,” Creek said to Hamn.

  “Details, details,” Hamn said, and looked up at Robin. “Speaking of which, there’s a small detail about the Church Miss Baker needs to know.”

  “What is it?” Robin asked.

  “The Church of the Evolved Lamb exists to bring about the Evolved Lamb,” Hamn said. “The Church’s steering council, which Sam and I represent here, is in unanimous agreement: It’s you.”

  “What if I don’t want the position?” Robin asked.

  “It’s not an office,” Sam Berlant said. “It’s a state of being. Even if you don’t want to be it, you’re still it. Your arrival is incredibly significant to us—and to all religions. It’s the first time in recorded history that a prophesied religious entity has been intentionally brought into being. You’re the religious find of the millennia, Miss Baker.”

  “Swell,” Robin said.

  “There are compensations,” Hamn said, gently. “The Church has significant material, real estate, and business holdings. These are all administered by a governing council and various boards of directors, but technically, it’s all held in trust for the Evolved Lamb, should he or she ever arise.”

  Robin stared for a second, and then held up her hand as if to pause the conversation. “So you’re saying I own the Church.”

  “Well, no,” Hamn said. “Just all of its assets.”

  “So that’s a lot,” Robin said.

  “It’s not bad,” Hamn allowed.

  “So, we’re talking, what? A million? Two million?”

  Hamn looked over to Sam Berlant. “As of the market close last Friday, 174.9 billion dollars,” Sam said.

  “175 billion dollars,” Robin said. “Billion, as in, the one with the nine zeros after it.”

  “That’s the one,” Hamn said.

  “Technically, it makes you the richest single person on Earth,” Sam Berlant said. “The Walton family is worth more in aggregate, but there are a couple hundred of them.”

  “I feel like I just swallowed a golf ball,” Robin said, and moved to sit.

  Creek moved over to steady her. “Easy, Robin,” he said. “You already run a planet. This is just a little extra bonus.”

  “Harry,” Robin said. “Do you have any clue how far outside reality you have to be to describe 175 billion dollars as a bonus?”

  “Just promise you’ll remember me at Christmastime,” Creek said. He sat down next to Robin, who smiled and patted his shoulder.

  Hubu-auf-Getag returned a few minutes later. “The auf-Getag clan is prepared to offer its allegiance to the new Fehen,” he said. “Our influence is such that we believe that the other clans—even the win-Getag clan—will follow suit.”

  Robin stood. “So you will do as I say,” she said.

  “Yes,” Hubu-auf-Getag said.

  “Really,” Robin said.

  “You may test our loyalty in any way you choose,” Hubu-auf-Getag said.

  “Brian,” Robin said.

  “Yes, Fehen,” Brian said.

  “Would you inform Secretary Heffer his presence is requested by the Fehen.”

  “At once,” Brian said. Jim Heffer arrived two minutes later.

  “You asked for me, Fehen,” Secretary Heffer said.

  “I did,” Robin said. “My good friend Hubu-auf-Getag and I were recently discussing the unfortunate series of misunderstands between Nidu and the UNE. He and I agreed that in light of the possible damage between these great nations, Nidu could benefit from making a goodwill gesture to the peoples of Earth and her colonies. Isn’t that right, Hubu-auf-Getag?”

  “That is entirely correct, Fehen,” Hubu-auf-Getag said.

  “I’m glad to hear it,” Heffer said. “What does the Fehen have in mind?”

  “Oh, not me,” Robin said. “What I’m about to say comes entirely from Hubu-auf-Getag. Secretary Heffer, aren’t there two Nidu destroyers in orbit around Earth at the moment?”

  “I believe there are,” Heffer said.

  “I hear they’re very nice,” Robin said. “Top of the line and all of that.”

  “They are excellent ships,” Heffer said.

  “Well, then,” Robin said. “Hubu-auf-Getag wants the UNE to have them. Don’t you, Hubu-auf-Getag?”

  Creek spent the next several seconds wondering if a Nidu’s head could, in fact, actually explode from rage.

  “There is nothing that would give me greater pleasure,” Hubu-auf-Getag finally said, in a tone that suggested his entrails had cramped.

  “That is wonderful news,” Heffer said. “Our secretary of defense will be immensely pleased. May I pass along your compliments, Hubu-auf-Getag?”

  “Please do,” Hubu-auf-Getag said, tightly.

  “And Secretary Heffer,” Robin said. “You may also inform your government that Hubu-auf-Getag is to be governor of Nidu and her colonies. He has my authority to act in my place in every matter.”

  “Very good, Fehen,” Heffer said. “My congratulations, Governor. Will there be an installation ceremony?”

  Hubu-auf-Getag looked to Robin Baker. “It is up to the Fehen.”

  “Well, I think we should,” Robin said. “Let’s say, in one hour? After all, everyone is already here.”

  Robin stepped down from the dais and walked over to Narf-win-Getag, still prone on the ground. “And as for you, you shithead,” she said. “I’m going to make sure you get the best seat in the house, to watch everything you ever wanted given to someone else. Tell me what you think about that.”

  The gubernatorial ceremony was very much like the coronation ceremony, with the exception that instead of a blood sacrifice and a brain scan, Robin Baker symbolized the transfer of power to Hubu-auf-Getag by providing him a single Fehensul flower from a bouquet she held in her hands. Brian used the impressive Nidu computer voice to announce that Hubu-auf-Getag had been given penultimate control of the Nidu computer network, and then everyone in the crowd applauded in the manner appropriate for their own species and filed out to go to any number of ceremonies and parties around Nidu before going home.

  In time only a few people remained in the Great Hall, paired off in conversation: Creek and Jim Heffer, Robin and Takk, Brian and Ben Javna, and Francis Hamn and Sam Berlant, who were finishing a final diagnostic on the Nidu network.

  Creek watched from a distance as Brian and Ben sat in the distance (well, Ben sat; Brian projected himself sitting) and reacquainted themselves with each other. Creek could see Ben’s eyes were red-rimmed, but at the moment he was laughing at something his brother was telling him.

  “That’s a hell of a thing,” Heffer said. “To lose a brother and to get him back.”

  “It is,” Creek said. “I wondered how Ben would take it, and if he’d hate me for doing it. But I needed Brian’s help. Without him, none of this would have worked.”

  “Don’t sell yourself short, Creek,” Heffer said. “Without you, we’d be at war, and we would have lost. And your friend Robin would probably be dead by now. You saved her, and saved us. You didn’t save the universe, but you can plan on doing that next week.”

  Creek smiled. “I’m tak
ing next week off,” he said. “And possibly the week after that. With your permission.”

  “Take all the time you want, Creek,” Heffer said. “Just tell me you’ll be back. I don’t know that we need any more like you; I don’t think my heart could handle the strain. But I’m glad we have at least one of you around.” He looked at his watch and stood. “I’ve got to collect Ben. We have a shuttle to catch. How are you getting back?”

  “Hamn and Berlant have offered to take us home with their corporate transport,” Creek said. “Although if I understand everything correctly, it’s actually that Robin is letting them hitch a ride on her transport.”

  “Don’t rush home,” Heffer said, and held out his hand. “Make a few stops. Enjoy yourselves.”

  “We’ve already had one cruise this week,” Creek said, shaking Heffer’s hand. “One’s enough.” The two men made their goodbyes, and then Creek walked over to Robin and Takk.

  “Takk’s telling me about his home,” Robin said. “It sounds nice. He’s been away for two years.”

  “That’s a long time,” Creek said.

  “It is,” Takk said. “But I’ll be going home now. I’ve seen enough of other places to last me a while.”

  “Amen to that,” Robin said.

  Hamn and Sam Berlant walked up. “Excuse me, Miss Baker,” Hamn said. “We’re just about finished up here. We’ll be ready to leave shortly. On the return trip home, I know that Sam here would like to talk to you a little bit about your financials and your new responsibilities with the Church holdings.”

  “You’re not expecting me to run things, are you?” Robin said. “I barely keep a pet store going. If you have me run the Church, you’re all going to be in soup line by the end of the week.”

  “We were actually hoping you’d let the corporate governance continue as it has,” Sam said.

  “That sounds good to me,” Robin said.

  “But there’s still quite a lot we need to get through,” Sam said.

  “I don’t suppose it could wait a few weeks,” Robin said.

  “It’s really better—” Sam began, but Robin put up her hand.

  “The reason I ask is because at this moment I just want to be Robin Baker. Not the Fehen of Nidu, not the Evolved Lamb, and not the richest person on Earth. Not even my own nation. Just Robin Baker, who owns a pet store where by now the animals have completely forgotten who I am. Just Robin Baker, who all she wants is to go home now. That’s all I want to be, if that’s all right with you. Just for a little while. I hope you understand.”