“It’s the depression,” she tried to explain to Ever. “Sometimes it just hits her out of no where and really takes her off her feet.” Ever and Mia were sharing lunch in the cafeteria, Caroline had stayed home sick that day.
“How can we help her? There must be something we can do, something I can do. I can’t stand to see her like this.” Ever began to pace back and forth. Mia took a deep breath and stood in front of her stopping her forward movement. “Do you love her Ever?” Ever stopped stunned. “What! Of course, I love her, you know that.” Mia put her hand on Ever’s forearm in an attempt to gentle her next words. “Then you have to love all of her Ever, and make no mistake, this disease is a part of her. She’s been seeing a wonderful therapist for as long as I’ve known her now and she is on medication but there is no cure. There is no magic pill that will make Caroline well and happy and free. It’s hard, I know, believe me I know, but this sadness, this longing for release from the pains of this world is as much a part of her as her blonde hair. All we can really do is be there for her. Not try to change her, not try to fix her, just love her. Do you think you can do that? Because if you can’t, you need to leave now. I won’t have her hurt anymore.”
Ever sat on the bench heavily as if her body couldn’t hold her weight any longer. “I can do that. I would never hurt her, never.”
Mia nodded, completely unsurprised at Ever’s response. “I said and sat down beside her, their lunch was forgotten, both women having lost their appetites. “It’s not easy.” Mia continued. “But no one ever said that love would be.” Ever looked to her friend and slung an arm around her shoulder. “How did you get so smart?” She asked giving the smaller woman a squeeze. Mia shrugged. “Just lucky I guess.” She replied in an effort to lighten the moment. They both sat in silence for a while longer, looking out over the pond that their table sat at the edge of. They gathered their uneaten sandwiches and threw them to the ducks circling near the shore. They only had one class left, and they decided to skip it. As seniors it was almost expected of them and they took advantage of that fact. Ever walked Mia home and decided to go visit Caroline before returning home herself. She couldn’t get the other woman out of her mind. Sometimes she couldn’t even see herself when she was with her. She could only see Caroline. She wasn’t sure of that was good or bad but she wouldn’t have it any other way. When she climbed the stairs to Caroline’s house and rang the bell her sister Jill answered the door.
“Ever, hey! Long time no see. Caroline’s upstairs.” She leaned in closer so that only Ever could hear. “She seems better today, but I think she’s missing you. I’m glad you’re here.” Ever smiled at Jill and nodded towards the stairs, asking permission to go. “Go ahead. I know she’ll be happy to see you.” Jill said ad turned her back after closing the front door and headed to the kitchen. Ever climbed the stairs two at a time and knocked softly on Caroline’s door. “Come in.” Caroline said and Ever inched the door open a fraction and stuck her head inside.
“Want some company?” She asked with a smile and was thrilled to see Caroline’s face light up at the sight of her. “Ever, OMG! I’m so glad to see you.” Caroline opened her arms ad Ever didn’t hesitate going into them. Caroline sat in lounging pajamas on her unmade bed reading a thick tome. She placed the book aside and after kissing Ever’s lips she laid he head in her lap and ran her fingers through her thick dark hair.
“How are you feeling baby?” Ever asked with her eyes closed. Every time Caroline touched her it took her to another place.
“I’m ok love, don’t worry about me.” Ever opened her eyes and looked at Caroline. Dark meeting light.
“That’s my job though.” Ever said and Caroline smiled sadly. They sat like that in comfortable silence for a long time when Caroline finally spoke.
“Ever, I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, and no matter what happens now or in the future, I want you to know that the times we spent together were my happiest times.”
Ever sat up ad looked at Caroline and saw nothing but sincerity and love on her face and yet, she felt a chill run the length of her body. The words had a certain finality to them that Ever didn’t like at all. “I can see all the hidden pieces inside of you Caroline. Pieces that you would never deem to call beautiful, but I do. I love all the pieces that make you, you. They are all beautiful and unique. You take my breath away. I love you like a dying man loves air, and I always will.”
Caroline stifled a cry as the tears flowed down her face. Ever sat up and took her into her arms. “Don’t cry love, it’s ok. It’s going to be ok.” The two women held each other and felt the truth in those words, but neither knew what ok really was and they both had very different visions in their heads of what it looked like.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Ever shook her head in an attempt to dislodge the memory that had snuck up on her. Looking back now, she wondered if Caroline, in her own way, was preparing her for the inevitable that day. She thought that maybe she was. It’s amazing how clear some things become in hindsight. In the wake of tragedy, we see clearly all the signs that led us to that point, only by then, it’s far too late to change the outcome. Ever had chosen a therapist’s name at random, called and made an appointment for later in the week. That was something else she could see now. Through all of the ups and downs, through the depression and the suicidal ideation the once constant for both her and Caroline had been Mia. She owed her so much and keeping her promise to see a professional was just a small piece in how she could repay her. With the appointment made and out of the way Ever suddenly felt drained. It had been a long night and although she had slept for a little bit, with Mia next to her, she was exhausted. She had nothing pressing to take care of now and so she headed back to her bedroom and curled up beneath the comforter in the hopes that a nap would help clear her head. She reached into her nightstand drawer and withdrew a wrinkled sealed envelope. She stared at the words “My Forever” in Caroline’s neat script written on the front. She couldn’t open it, not yet so she clasped it to her chest and closed her eyes. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow.
Mia went through her day robotically, doing what needed to be done and nothing more. She didn’t have the energy for it and her heart just wasn’t in it today. She thought about Ever and she thought about Caroline as well. Were these newfound feelings for Ever a betrayal to her best friend? In her heart, it didn’t feel that way, but her brain felt differently. They were constantly at war with one another and it was exhausting. She had dated plenty over the years, but no matter how nice the woman was, or how good of a time they had together it never felt right. She didn’t even know what that meant but she did know that when she was with Ever, she felt like she was coming home and that was everything. She ran her hands through her auburn hair and sighed. She couldn’t believe that Caroline was gone an entire year already. She missed her friend. She didn’t have any good memories that didn’t include Caroline in some way or another, many of them included Ever as well. They had so much fun together then. Innocent and free from the knowledge of loss they were always together. Ever and Caroline never made Mia feel like a third wheel. She, of course, had given them time together just the two of them, but for the most part it was the three of them together wherever they went. All of that had changed the day Caroline died, when three had become two. She and Ever had leaned on each other heavily in the days and weeks after Caroline’s death. They each lost a part of themselves that day and Mia was just glad that Ever hadn’t disappeared completely. It has only been recently that they had become physically close. Mia found comfort in Ever’s presence; she always had to some extent, but she really began to feel that tug on her heart only recently. “What a mess” she mumbled to herself as she looked at the clock and was dismayed to see it was only one pm. She hadn’t had lunch yet and although she wasn’t very hungry, she desperately needed to get out of the office and get some fresh air. She grabbed her coat and let her secretary know that she would return in a couple of hours a
nd wasted no time grabbing an elevator to the lobby and out the large glass main doors. She took several deep breaths of the crisp fall air and immediately felt her muscles relax. She needed to walk and so she went to her car to exchange her heels for her sneakers that she kept in her gym bag and headed to the park across the street to walk and clear her troubled thoughts before she finished her day and returned home to Ever.
Soft lips kissed their way up the side of Ever’s neck and she hummed in appreciation. It felt so good to be touched, to be loved again; had been so long. The lips sucked briefly on her pulse point and Ever felt her heart stutter in her chest. They slowly made their way from her neck to the side of her mouth, teasing light touches that were driving Ever insane. Ever reached her hands up to bury in Caroline’s long blonde hair, but the hair was shorter now, much shorter than Caroline had ever worn it. The passionate kiss ended, and a voice whispered in her ear “I love you.”
Ever smiled into the auburn hair. “I love you too Mia.” Ever heard herself speak, but the name was wrong. She squinted her eyes and then finally opened them to see not Caroline’s blues but the smoky gray of Mia’s eyes instead. Ever woke and jerked straight up in bed. She was breathing hard, and she was incredibly turned on. “What the fuck?” She whispered to herself as she ran her hand through her sweat dampened hair.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
When Mia arrived home, she greeted Ever in the living room, hair still wet from her recent shower. “Hey.” She said and Ever nodded her greeting. Mia stared for a moment noticing immediately the tension in Ever’s muscles as she walked by her into the kitchen.
“Everything ok?” Mia inquired and Ever cringed internally at the expected question. Ever didn’t know how to answer that question because she simply didn’t know the answer. Was everything ok? Was she? Ever had no idea what she was feeling at this point, especially with that dream so close to the surface of her consciousness. One thing she did know was that she was not ready in any way shape or form to discuss it yet with Mia.
“Everything’s fine. Just tired.” She finally replied and Mia looked at her as if she didn’t quite believe her but let it go anyway. Ever didn’t know what the hell was wrong with her. Here it was the anniversary of Caroline’s death and she was having intimate dreams about Mia. Mia of all people!!! It was true, they had been close friends for years and they had shared in a tragedy that most people couldn’t even conceive of, but this was Mia. She loved her sure, but she didn’t feel that way about her. Did she? Ever was beginning to get a serious headache. This was all too overwhelming, especially now. She decided to start making dinner simply for something to do with her hands.
“You’re making dinner?” Mia asked, disbelievingly.
The corner of Ever’s mouth turned up in a smile at the question. “Stranger things have happened.” She replied. Mia took off her coat and laid it over the back of a kitchen chair before sitting down. “True,” she said “But not many of them.”
Ever laughed out loud at that and Mia giggled to herself. She could probably count on one hand how many times Ever had even attempted to make dinner for them. They usually either ordered out or Mia cooked for them. She wasn’t complaining though. It had been a long and unproductive day and she was tired. Mia slouched a bit in the chair and sighed as she watched Ever fill a pot with water for the pasta, her signature dish. Her only dish, Mia thought with a smile. Ever turned around t9 face Mia and Mia’s breath caught at the intensity of her gaze.
“I made those calls today. I have an appointment with a therapist at the end of the week.”
Mia let go the breath that she had been holding. She didn’t want to be the one to bring that up, but she was so thankful that Ever had kept her promise.
“I’m so glad, Ever. I think it will really help you figure some things out. I called the therapist I had seen right after Caroline died today too. I thought it would help clear my head as well. The first anniversary of her death is… difficult, more so than I ever thought it would be.” Ever nodded her agreement. Mia’s heart broke at the sad look in Ever’s eyes. She wished with everything she was that she could do something, anything to take that look away, even for a moment. “I went to the cemetery today.” Mia blurted out. She hadn’t intended to tell Ever of her brief after work stop and she wasn’t exactly sure why she had now. Ever’s body tensed again and her dark eyes flicked up to meet Mia’s. She said nothing. “Why don’t you ever go Ever?” Mia knew that Ever hadn’t been to the cemetery since the day of Caroline’s funeral. “It’s, comforting in a way. To me anyway. I feel closer to her.” Mia watched Ever carefully as a myriad of emotions poured over her face.
“It’s not comforting to me.” Ever began hesitantly. “When I’m there, I don’t feel comfort or peace. All I can do is imagine her down in that deep dark hole, fading away and my heart suddenly feels like someone has broken though my ribs, into my chest and grabbed it. I don’t feel closer to her there, I feel further away and it scares me.” Ever sat heavily in the chair opposite Mia as if saying those words out loud had sapped every last bit of energy she possessed. Mia shook her head in frustration.
“Why has it taken us an entire year to talk about these things with each other? I’m sorry, Ever, I didn’t want to upset you.” Mia was angry at herself for letting things go so long without ever discussing them, and for the first time, she was angry at Caroline for leaving them both and making it necessary to have these conversations in the first place.
Ever reached across the table and took Mia’s hand in her own. Her touch was both soft and insistent and Mia looked up. “You have nothing to be sorry about Mia. You have been wonderful. I wouldn’t have made it this far if not for you.” Ever looked suddenly shy and Mia’s face softened.
“I feel the same way about you Ever. You know, that right? I mean without you there’s, well there’s no one else.” Mia squeezed Ever’s hand, and both women took comfort and breathed easier at the others touch.
The water in Ever’s spaghetti pot suddenly boiled over and sizzled on the stove, breaking the moment. With a final squeeze, Ever let go of Mia’s hand and rose to turn the burner down and add the pasta. Mia missed the warmth of her touch immediately. The women shared a quiet dinner together, each lost to their own thoughts, sadness and longing. When the dishes were washed and dried both Mia and Ever retired to their own bedrooms for the night. When both had reached the threshold of their rooms they stooped and turned at the same time.
“Ever.”
“Mia.” They both said at the exact same time. They looked at each and smiled at the irony of neither of them saying much since dinner and now both of them talking at once.
“You first,” Mia said. Ever looked uncomfortable for a moment as she shifted from foot to foot. “I, I just wanted to say goodnight.” She looked at the floor and Mia didn’t believe her. She wished that whatever it was that Ever wanted to tell her that she felt comfortable enough to do so. Hopefully in time she thought.
“Yeah, me too. Sweet dreams ok?” Mia replied and knew from the look on Ever’s face that she didn’t believe that was it either.
The next morning both women got up and dressed for work as was normal, but things weren’t quite normal any longer and both of them were aware of the subtle change. Neither had slept very well the night before and both of their work days were long and tedious. Mia arrived home first and becoming tired at even the thought of making dinner took out the pile of take-out menus from the junk drawer and threw them on the kitchen table to await Ever and make a decision. Before Mia could even change in her sweats the phone rang.
“Hello?” She answered, hard pressed to think who could be calling. Her heartbeat increased slightly at the worry that something bad had happened to Ever but returned to normal when she heard Caroline’s sister Jill on the other end.
“Mia, hi! It’s so good to hear your voice. How are you? How’s Ever?” Jill had said all of this without taking a breath. She had always talked to fast. Mia and Caroline used to pic
k on her for it when they were younger. Mia smiled at the memory. “Hiya Jilly. I’m good, Ever too. It seems like forever since we have talked to you!” There was a short pause on the other end. “Well that’s why I’m calling, actually. I’m going to be in town next week and I thought, well I was wondering if I could stay with you guys? It would just be for the one night. Unfortunately, my company has me on a tight schedule but I really wanted to see both of you. You know with the anniversary and all, well I wanted to call first.”
Mia nodded and then realized Jill couldn’t see her. “It’s been a tough week, but I would love to see you, and I know Ever would too. She isn’t home from work just yet. When would you be here?” Mia was telling the truth, she loved Jill like a sister and she missed her this past year. After Caroline died, Jill took a position with her company in California. She said she couldn’t stay in New York any longer. Too many memories. Now, they hadn’t seen each other in over a year and even though they made it a point to talk on the phone at least every couple of weeks, Mia miss the younger woman. Ever did too, she knew that Jill reminded Ever of Caroline and that was a small comfort to her in a lot of ways.
“I would arrive Friday afternoon and leave at about suppertime Saturday evening.”
“Perfect,” Mia said. “Do you need a ride from the airport?” Mia knew she could take a half day off from work and pick Jill up if need be.
“No, my company hired a car. I’ll be there around two, is that ok?”
“That works just fine. I look forward to it Jill. See you then.” The two women said their goodbyes and Mia hung up just as Ever came in the door.
“You just missed Jill. She has some time and wanted to come visit Friday night. She has to leave Saturday though.”
Ever nodded and smiled. “That’s great, I have missed her.”
With Love, Caroline Page 4