Mia kicked off her heels, grabbed them and headed for her room to change. “I have too. Should be fun catching up.” She said over her shoulder and she quickly changed into sweatpants and her favorite Yankee’s tee-shit. Jill’s visit would be good for them both, she thought as she trudged back into the kitchen to pick something out for dinner.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Thomas Jefferson High School- Graduation
Ever and Mia walked arm and arm towards the football field. Both dressed in their finest clothes topped with their burgundy graduation gowns the women were smiling and laughing as they made their way to the ceremony.
“Well, we did it,” Ever said slinging her arm around Mia. “I’m so glad I met you and Caroline; I don’t think I would have made it this far without you.”
Mia smiled wide at her friend and grabbed the hand that hung loosely on her shoulder. “I can’t believe this day is finally here. I’m glad we met you too Ever, it was meant to be I’m sure of it. Where is Caroline, anyway?” Mia peered into the crowd of students milling around the folding chairs set out for the graduation class. “She said she would meet us here. Her parents wanted to take her and Jill out for brunch before the ceremony. Just as Ever finished telling Mia this she saw the long blonde hair ruffled by the wind and Caroline turned around to face them as if she heard them talking about her. Ever’s heart sped up as it always did when she saw Caroline. She couldn’t believe she was this lucky. This beautiful, smart, kind woman loved her. She grabbed Mia’s hand and started jogging to where Caroline stood and waited for them. When she reached her, Ever grabbed Caroline, lifted her up and twirled her in a circle. Caroline screeched and laughed at Ever’s antics. She was still laughing when ever placed her gently back on the ground and kissed her.
“Hi, baby,” Ever whispered and Caroline felt the crowd fade away in Ever’s presence.
“Hi,” she whispered back and kissed Ever again. “We did it.” Caroline continued as she smiled wide at her girlfriend giving Mia a wink over Ever’s shoulders. Ever just stared at her for a long moment. “What? Is something wrong with my hair? Do I have food on my chin?” Caroline joked and Ever just shook her head.
“Nothing is wrong at all. You are absolutely perfect. Your smile is everything.”
Caroline’s face softened, and she placed a hand on Ever’s cheek and caressed her. “Oh. Ever. I wish I could be perfect for you. You deserve that and so much more.”
Before Ever could respond Caroline grabbed her hand with her right and Mia’s hand with her left and the three started for the field and the next phase of their lives.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
The rest of the week was uneventful for both Mia and Ever. They got up, went to work, came home, ate and watched a movie together on the couch. More times than not, one or both of them fell asleep before the ending credits rolled across the screen. It was their routine, and it was comfortable if not a bit predictable. When Friday came, both women were excited for the arrival of Caroline’s sister Jill. It had been a year since either had seen the young woman and they looked forward to spending some time together with her. Mia had decided to take a half a day from work and much to her surprise, so did Ever. They sat together in their living room waiting for Jill’s arrival.
“It’s weird, but I’m kind of nervous.” Ever said out of the blue. Mia looked up for the magazine she had been flipping through.
“Nervous? Why? You have known Jill for almost as long as I have.” Mia put the magazine on the coffee table and gave Ever her full attention. “I know, and I’m excited to see her too, but I haven’t really seen her since Caroline’s funeral and I wasn’t exactly myself that day.” Mia reached for Ever’s hand and she gave it to her willingly. “None of us were ourselves that day Ever, including Jill. Caroline’s death took something from each of us. We aren’t exactly the same people we had been before she died are we?”
Ever solemnly shook her head. Before Mia could say more, the doorbell rang and startled both women to their feet. They reached the door at the same time and Ever threw it open with a smile. The smile froze in place and Ever’s breath caught when she saw the woman on the other side. Jill had matured in the year since her sister’s death. She had also grown out her hair, which now reached just below her shoulders. She looked refreshed and beautiful. She looked like Caroline. Mia saw immediately the same thing that Ever did and placed her hand on the small of Ever’s back for comfort and to just let her know that she was there.
“Ever, Mia. I can’t tell you how good it is to see both of you again,” Jill said with tears brimming in her eyes. She stepped forward and took first Ever and then Mia in a tight hug. “Jill, you look fantastic,” Mia said as she stepped back from Jill and looked her over. It really was amazing she thought, how much she resembled Caroline. Mia looked at Ever with concern, she still hadn’t said anything. Ever caught her look, and that seemed to snap her out of her stunned stupor.
“Mia’s right, you look great Jill. I’m so happy you came.” Ever managed taking Jill in another quick hug. “Well we should probably invite her in out of the hallway.” Mia said with a laugh. Jill came into the house, carrying only her purse and a small overnight bag Which she set by the door. Ever led her to the sofa and all three women sat down.
“We thought we would take you out to dinner,” Ever told Jill. Jill smiled and then laughed. “Ok full disclosure here. If it’s all the same to you guys, I would much rather order a pizza and put my pajamas on and just hang out here. Just like old times. I’m exhausted.” Now that Ever looked closely at Jill, she could see the tiredness in her eyes.
“Of course.” Mia said immediately looking to Ever who nodded. “That sounds perfect actually.” They had decided earlier that instead of the couch, Jill could sleep with Mia in her room. “Come on Jill, I’ll give you the grand tour and show you where you can change. You’ll be bunking with me so it really will be like old times.”
Jill laughed and her laugh was different from Caroline’s Ever thought, freer. It made her smile all the same.
“I’ll order the pizza’s and set up for a good old-fashioned living room picnic,” Ever said cheerfully. It had taken her a few minutes to get over seeing Jill again but now she was looking forward to a fun night with laughs, memories and good friends.
“Sounds perfect,” Mia called over her shoulder. “We’ll be out in a few.” The two women disappeared into Mia’s bedroom and Ever got started preparing for dinner.
“I’ll be here,” she said to herself as she grabbed the paper plates, napkins and her phone.
“Oh my God, I don’t think I have ever been s full in my life!” Jill moaned as she clasped her stomach and fell back onto some pillows.
“Me too,” complained Mia who also took a position lying down.
“You two are such wimps!” Ever exclaimed as she bit into her fifth slice of pepperoni. “We used to eat twice as much back in high school!”
Mia laughed. “Yeah, we were also sixteen years old then. Our metabolism has slowed down a bit.” Mia looked sideways at Jill and continued under her breath “At least some of ours has.” Jill giggled and Ever pretended she hadn’t heard. “This has been so great you two,” Jill said, her eyes half closed in gluttonous joy. “I can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard. I really needed this. Thank you.”
Mia had scooted over to where Ever sat and her head was just shy of being on Ever’s lap. Without thinking Ever threw an arm around Mia’s shoulders.
“We did too.” Ever said and Mia nodded in agreement. “With the anniversary and everything. Things have been kind of tense around here. It feels good to just relax and have fun.”
Jill’s eyes opened fully at the mention of the anniversary of Caroline’s death. “I wanted to call you both, on that day. I wanted to make sure you were both ok, but I just couldn’t. I ended up calling into work, staying home on my couch and just remembering her. Mia and Ever both nodded silently. “You don’t need to apologize to us, or anyone else for that matter.”
Mia said softly, “It was a bad day for everyone.”
All three women were momentarily lost in their thoughts and memories of days past, both good and bad. After a bit more reminiscing all three women were ready for bed. Jill and Mia said goodnight to Ever at her door and continued on to Mia’s room. Once they were under the blankets Jill spoke.
“So how are you, really?” She asked.
Mia continued to stare at the ceiling contemplating her answer. “I’m ok, better, I think. The anniversary was hard for everyone. Especially Ever. I went to the cemetery, but she never goes. She’s still carrying around so much guilt,” Mia sighed and Jill turned on her side to face her.
“Guilt over what? She’s not responsible for Caroline’s death. No one is but Caroline.”
Mia knew that logically, she thought somewhere deep down, Ever did too. “She thinks she could have stopped her; I think. She feels guilty because she believes she was so caught up in her own stuff that she ignored some vital hint or clue that would have told her what Caroline was planning. I think she also in a way feels guilty because she’s still alive, and Caroline isn’t.”
That wasn’t a completely foreign concept to Jill. She had felt much the same in the months after her sister’s death. Mia took a deep breath and was upset to realize she was on the verge of tears. “She’s hurting so much Jill, and I don’t know how to help her. She works a dead-end job that barely pays her living expenses because she feels that’s all she deserves now. She’s so sad most of the time and I would do anything, anything at all to change that, to put that light back in her eyes. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
Mia was crying now and Jill took her into her arms and comforted her. “No, it wasn’t. But this is the way it is now. We all have to accept that and do our best to move on. I know my sister and she wouldn’t for one moment want any of us to have this misery weighing us down.”
Mia nodded seeing the truth in what Jill had said. “I worry so much about her Jill. She has such a kind heart and an enormous capacity for love. I just want her to be ok.” Mia, lost in her own thoughts didn’t notice the look that Jill gave her then.
“You love her don’t you.” Jill asked matter-of-factly. It wasn’t really a question, more of a statement of fact.
Mia reeled. “Of course, I do, I’ve always loved Ever.” Jill stared right back at Mia.
“That’s not what I mean and you know it Mia! Do you? Love her I mean?”
Mia couldn’t stop the blush from her face and she turned away not wanting Jill to see the truth in her eyes. She felt Jill reach out and lay her hand on her shoulder.
“Good,” she said as if she had received all the answers she needed. “I always hoped this is what would happen actually, and I would bet anything my sister did too.”
Mia looked startled at that. “I don’t know about that,” she said in a half whisper.
“She loved Ever so much.” Jill nodded. “She did. But Caroline’s gone, and she left us to figure it all out for ourselves and maybe, that’s exactly what you’re doing.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Saying goodbye to Jill was harder than either Mia or Ever thought it would be. She felt to both of them like their last real tether to Caroline.
“Come back soon and stay longer next time ok?” Mia said as she hugged Jill. “I will.” Jill replied wiping a tear from her eye. She looked to Ever standing behind Mia almost shyly. “Come here you.” She held her arms out and Ever walked into them.
“Be open to love, Ever.” Jill whispered as she hugged Ever fiercely.
Ever looked slightly confused but nodded her head anyway, and just like that Jill was gone. Mia and Ever closed the door and fell back onto the couch together. Mia looked to Ever and smiled.
“You doing ok?” She asked bumping her shoulder against Ever’s.
“I’m good, you?” Ever replied and for once Mia honestly believed her. Jill’s visit had been good for them both.
“Tired, but I’m ok. Jill is a cover hog.” Mia laughed and Ever joined her.
“Caroline was too.” Ever said and Mia nodded. “I remember all too well.” They both chuckled at their own memories.
“You have your therapy appointment on Monday, right?” Mia asked and regretted the question when she saw the momentary scowl on Ever’s face.
“Yes,” she replied shortly. Mia turned on the sofa to face her.
“Just give it an honest try, ok?”
“I know it’s hard for you, but I really think it will help.”
Ever looked at Mia and her face softened. “Ok, I will.” She said reassuring Mia. She didn’t want to be the cause of Mia’s worries anymore. Her feelings had shifted towards the other woman to something more than a friend. Ever had no idea what to do with that or the guilt that came with it. Just then Mia’s hand landed on top of her own. She had noticed recently that Mia had become much more willing to touch her recently, and she wondered if it was at all possible that hers weren’t the only feelings that had changed. That thought was entirely too much for Ever to process right then so she just closed her eyes and enjoyed the touch of Mia’s hand.
Mia loved how soft Ever’s skin was, as she rubbed her thumb over Ever’s knuckles. She closed her eyes and reveled in just being there in that moment, touching Ever. Touching Ever. Her eyes suddenly slammed open when she realized what she was doing and she yanked her hand back onto her lap.
Ever looked at her out of the side of her eye. “It’s ok Mia, I didn’t mind.”
Mia didn’t know how to respond to that and so she stayed silent.
“Mia, look at me.” Mia didn’t want to. She knew her face would be bright red, and she was embarrassed.
“Mia? Please.” Ever’s voice had a husky tone to it and Mia couldn’t, wouldn’t look away any longer. When she turned toward Ever, she saw a softness in her dark eyes and she couldn’t look away.
“I’m sorry, Ever, I’m tired and wasn’t think…”
Before Mia knew what was happening, she felt Ever’s lips tentatively touch her own. They were so soft and supple and Mia melted into them. Neither woman deepened the kiss and all too soon Ever was pulling away. She had a crooked smile on her face that Mia found adorable.
“I really really didn’t mind.” Ever said with a smile.
“Wow,” was all Mia could muster in that moment, her lips still tingling from the far too short time they had connected with Ever’s.
“Yeah, wow.” Ever repeated. She looked at Mia. “I think it’s safe to say that I’m not alone here?”
Mia shook her head. “No, I… I don’t know where it came from or why but I have feelings for you, Ever. I know you’re not ready, I’m not even sure if I am, but they are there regardless.” Ever thought about what Mia had said and lowered her head.
“I don’t know if I’m ready now, honestly, I don’t know if I ever will be. But I want to be Mia. I feel it too.” Mia felt a wave of affection and relief wash over her. “Let’s just take it one moment at a time, ok?” she said and Ever nodded in agreement. Mia took the initiative this time and took Ever’s hand and linked it with her own. She was glad they had talked. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Binghamton University- Freshman year
“Wow it’s like a different world from high school!” Caroline said excitedly. “I’m so glad you are both with me and we all get to do this together. I don’t know if I’d make it without either of you.” Caroline turned around to seek out her best friend and her girlfriend, her face flushed with the breeze the early fall Upstate New York had brought with it. She saw the two leaning against the car. Mia, who had been sick with a cold for a week now was leaning her head on Ever’s shoulder as Ever looked up at the tall University buildings. Caroline hesitated for just a moment and watched the two. She noticed how comfortable they seemed with each other, they somehow just fit. Caroline smiled with a sad knowing before Ever interrupted her thoughts.
“So
rry baby, did you say something? I can’t hear over this one’s heavy breathing in my ear.” A very congested Mia glared at Ever.
“You wish. Rhodes,” she replied, her nose so stuffed up she sounded uncannily like Elmer Fudd with caused both Ever and Caroline to dissolve in giggles.
“Fine, you guys, make fun of the dying, real nice,” Mia said straightening up and grabbing her duffel bag from the back seat. Caroline and Ever laughed even harder.
“Aww come on, sicky, let’s go find our room so we can put you to bed,” Caroline said wrapping an arm around Mia’s shoulders while reaching her hand behind her to grab Ever’s shirt and pull her along as well. They were living in the dorms their freshman year and Mia and Caroline were going to be roommates. That left Ever on her own and Caroline felt bad about that but also knew that she would be ok and probably spend so much time in their room that she wouldn’t even have time to miss her.
Sophomore year
“I don’t know what to do anymore, Mia.” Ever paced back and forth in front of the stone bench that Mia was sat on. “She doesn’t go to class, she doesn’t respond to anything, not even me.” Ever ran her hand through her hair, she was at her wits end and it showed.
“Is she taking her medication?” Mia asked. She had been through this before with her best friend but it didn’t make her worry less each time it happened.
“As far as I know she is. At least, she tells me she is.” Ever sat next to Mia on the bench. “I’m just so scared. These episodes of depression seem to be getting worse instead of better. I mean she takes medicine; she sees a therapist. Isn’t it supposed to be getting better?” Ever’s voice had taken on a childlike quality and Mia’s heart broke for her.
“Not always, Ever. There is no magic pill, no cure. No one knows where these depressive episodes come from, or why, especially Caroline. She’s been suffering with this since she was a kid and it makes her feel terrible on so any different levels. She hates not feeling alive and not understanding why. She hates withdrawing from the people who love her, and she hates what it does to the people she loves. If she could stop it, she would, but she’s powerless.” Mia had put her arm around Ever’s shoulders. She understood how frustrated and helpless she felt.
With Love, Caroline Page 5