“I don’t blame Caroline. I know it’s not her fault. I just wish I could help her in some way. I hate seeing her like this.” Ever hastily wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. Now was not the time to break down. Caroline needed her.
“What we can do is love her through it, that’s all. Where is she now?” Mia contemplated if she could miss a class to go try to comfort Caroline a bit.
“She was sleeping when I left. She doesn’t have much energy for anything right now and I figured a nap would do her some good.” Ever stood. She had been gone too long and wanted to get back to Caroline. Mia nodded and suggested they both go back to her room and maybe they could talk Caroline into eating one of her favorite foods. If nothing else, they could just be there with her. Ever agreed, and they began the short walk back to the dorms. The walk was quiet, each woman lost in her own thoughts, but words weren’t needed between the two friends, and they were comfortable in each other’s presence. When they reached the dorm Ever extended her arm and stopped Mia from entering the front door.
“What is it?” Mia asked stopping short and looking to Ever.
“I’m not sure, it just… something doesn’t feel right. I can feel it right here.” Ever placed her own hand over her stomach and rubbed the area slightly. “I don’t know what happened, but it just hit me. I feel like I’m going to throw up all of a sudden.”
Mia looked concerned as she stared from Ever to the doors. She suddenly felt uneasy herself and wanted to get to her room, and Caroline as quickly as she could.
“Come on!” she said, and she grabbed Ever’s arm and pulling her towards the door. When they arrived on the second floor out of breath from taking the stairs two at a time, they rushed to Caroline and Mia’s room. Both women felt the anxious urgency now, and they didn’t pause but rather came through the door full force. The first thing Ever saw was few drops of blood near Caroline’s bed, which was empty. She froze in fear of what was happening and what she would find. Mia did not have the same problem and rushed headlong into the bathroom. “Ever! We need a towel here.” Mia’s yelling broke Ever out of whatever stunned state she had slipped into and she grabbed the first thing she saw that resembled a towel and ran to the bathroom. What she saw when she entered would not leave her mind for years. Mia was in the floor holding a sobbing Caroline. There were a few streaks of blood in the sink and several droplets on the floor beneath them. Mia’s hand was clamped hard over Caroline’s wrist which Ever could now see, was the source of the blood.
Ever dropped to her knees. “Oh baby, what have you done?” Ever whispered as she relinquished the towel to Mia and watched as she wrapped it securely around Caroline’s wrist. Ever stroked Caroline’s hair as the woman collapsed into her arms.
“I’m so sorry, Ever,” Caroline sobbed and Ever held her tighter, cooing in her ear that everything was going to be ok. For the first time though, Ever didn’t believe her own words. She didn’t know if things were going to be ok at all. Ever looked up helplessly at Mia who was desperately trying to get ahold of her own feelings.
“It doesn’t look too deep but we are going to take you to the hospital to check it out anyway ok? Caroline? Where are your keys?” Mia spoke directly to Caroline trying to decide if they should drive themselves or call an ambulance. Caroline seemed to be aware of the situation and Mia though there was no need to add an ambulance bill on to the upcoming hospital admission.
“In my purse.” Caroline said not taking her head away from Ever’s chest. Mia nodded and left the bathroom to retrieve the keys and get Caroline’s shoes. Ever never stopped stroking Caroline’s back, desperate to comfort her in some small way.
“Baby, why did you do this? Why didn’t you come to me?” Ever heard the desperation and anxiety in her own voice and chastised herself for not being able to keep calm and give Caroline what she needed.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It hurts so bad, Ever. I just don’t want to do this anymore, I can’t. I’m so tired baby, I’m just so tired.”
Ever couldn’t keep the tears at bay and she cried silently into Caroline’s hair. She felt utterly helpless, and she hated it.
“I’ve got you now, I’ll take care of you, I promise,” Ever whispered and continued to hold Caroline until Mia came back into the bathroom and told them it was time to go.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
As happy as Mia was that her and Ever had finally talked about their feelings, she was just as frustrated in the weeks that followed when Ever seemed to be avoiding her again. She didn’t know what was going on in Ever’s mind, but she could guess. She was sure that Ever held some guilt about her developing feelings for Mia, Mia struggled with that herself. Ever since that day in high school it had been Ever and Caroline. They had seemed to right for each other. Mia dated of course; she had had her share of girlfriends but none ever seemed to light a fire inside of her. She would date a woman for a few weeks, or a few months and then they would slowly drift away from each other and then the process would begin again with someone new. She had fun, her needs were met, and so after a time, she began to believe that finding her soul mate was just not in the cards for her. Caroline would always argue with her that Mia would find her one love, that she was out there and when she least expected it to happen, it would. Mia had always had her doubts, Caroline never did. She told Mia that it would happen precisely when it was supposed to happen and that Mia would know when it did. Caroline has always seemed so sure that eventually, she had convinced Mia as well. After her death, Mia didn’t have the strength to even think about the concept of soul mates any more, and if she did, it was only to see how much Ever had suffered when she had lost hers. Was it ever worth it? She still didn’t know the answer to that, but she still believed that Ever was worth fighting for. She felt guilty even thinking that, and that was something she would have to get over, and so would Ever if they would be able to make things work for them. Mia tried to talk to Ever again, but she seemed so distant sometimes, as if she wasn’t even a part of this word anymore. Mia knew that Ever believed the best parts of herself died with Caroline, but Mia couldn’t accept that. She saw the kindness and gentleness in Ever’s eyes. Her capacity for love, and forgiveness. They were clear as day to Mia, she just wished that Ever could see those things for herself. Mia decided it was time to shake things up a bit. It was clear that what she had been doing so far wasn’t working. She definitely needed a change of plan.
Ever felt bad about avoiding Mia. She did have feelings for her and that scared the hell out of Ever on a level she hadn’t experienced since Caroline was still alive. Caroline. There wasn’t a day that passed when Ever didn’t question why she had to leave, or what their lives would be like now if she had lived. Endless questions with impossible answers, that was Ever’s life now. She was so tired of feeling this way. The only time she ever even came close to a feeling of happiness or joy anymore was when she was with Mia. So why was she blowing this? Why couldn’t she just take things slowly and see where they led with Mia. Was she meant to just exist, never really living? Was she like Caroline? She didn’t think so, but for the past year she had just barely existed, and now a beautiful woman, a woman that Ever trusted and loved had feelings for her, and she had them too and yet she continued to push her away. Mia could make her happy she knew that. Ever had only one question, did she deserve it?
Mia came home and immediately started making Ever’s favorite dinner, New York strip steak, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. She wasn’t going to let Ever push her away any longer, she needed to start making things happen for herself. With the steaks on the grill and the corn and potatoes ready to start boiling, Mia escaped to her bedroom to change out of her work clothes. No sweats and t-shirts tonight. Tonight, she wanted to dress to impress. She chose a light sundress with designs in green to highlight the color of her eyes, even though the weather wasn’t quite warm enough for it yet, it looked good on her. She kept her hair simple and her makeup light. She took one last look in the mirror when
she heard Ever coming through the front door. “Showtime” she whispered to herself and shut off the light.
Ever’s mouth watered when she smelled the food. She had pretty much resigned herself to a bowl of corn flakes and a good book for her evening plans and found that she was excited that Mia had cooked. She saw the smoke coming from the grill and lifted the pots on the stove to peak inside. Her stomach rumbled, and she heard a giggle behind her. She spun around to face Mia and stopped in her tracks, stunned. Mia looked absolutely gorgeous as she smiled shyly at Ever and Ever suddenly lost the ability to speak.
“Can I judge from that monster in your belly that you approve of dinner?” Mia took a few steps closer. Ever could smell her perfume, applied lightly but enough to reach her senses and short circuit them completely.
“Wow, you look… you’re beautiful Mia.” Ever said softly and Mia blushed which Ever thought made her look even more stunning. “Did you do all this for me?” Ever knew that answer, but she didn’t know what else to say and she wanted Mia to keep standing so close to her.
“Well, for us yes.” Mia responded as she leaned forward ad placed a gentle kiss on Ever’s cheek. Ever’s right hand immediately came up to her face to cover the spot that Mia’s lips had just touched as if she wanted to hold the feeling inside of her before it escaped.” Sit down, I think the steaks are about done, and the corn is ready.” Ever nodded and took her usual place at the dining room table.
“Can I help with anything?” She asked feeling underdressed in her comfortable but plain work clothes.
“Nope, everything is done. Let me just get a plate and grab the steaks and we’ll be all set.” Mia placed an ear of corn in each of their dishes and a large porcelain bowl with the potatoes in the middle of the table. She gave Ever a wink which caused her to blush slightly and opened the screen door onto the deck where the grill was. Ever didn’t know what she did to deserve this kind of treatment but she wasn’t complaining. For the first time in weeks she felt calm and at peace. She smiled at Mia and Mia saw that spark in her eyes again and her stomach flipped at the sight.
“So, Ever Rhodes, tell me something I don’t already know about you,” Mia said as they both dug into their dinner without preamble. Ever looked up into Mia’s eyes. She had beautiful eyes, the color of Jade, and tonight they shined.
“Well, I’m an idiot for one.” Ever said looking back down at her lap.
“Oh, I already know that.” Mia replied straight faced. Ever’s head shot up and when she saw the mirth on Mia’s face, they both broke down laughing.
“Seriously though Mia. I’m sorry I’ve been such a shit lately. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” A sadness cloaked Ever’s eyes as she said this and Mia tilted her head and thought for a moment.
“Do you remember what Caroline always used to say?” Ever looked up at her confused. “She would always say that nothing will malign you faster than your own thoughts.” Ever nodded and smiled.
“I do remember that. She used to always say that I got lost in my own head too often. Then she would smack me and say Snap out of it!” Mia laughed and Ever did too.
“You still do. you know.” Ever nodded and Mia continued. “We should do this more often.” She said and Ever looked confused again.
“What? Talk about what an idiot I am?” Mia chuckled and shook her head.
“Not that. Talk about Caroline and laugh. It seems every time we have talked about her in the past year we focus on her death, not her life. She wouldn’t like that. I don’t like it either. We had a lot of laughs together, we shared so much. Maybe we should start focusing on that instead.” Ever nodded sadly.
“Why do you think she wanted to die so badly Mia?” Ever’s face had taken on an open, devastated look and Mia felt her heart clench at the sight.
“I don’t have any answers Ever; I wish I did. But I think maybe, that she didn’t want to die as much as she didn’t, couldn’t live like that anymore. Some people’s light is just too bright for this world. I think that Caroline was one of those people.” Mia wiped a tear from her own eye as she watched Ever do the same. Mia shook her head. “Ok, enough sadness. You and I have had enough for several lifetimes.” Ever smiled and agreed.
“So, my work is having this sort of party this weekend,” Mia began, looking unsure at Ever. “It’s sort of a sixties theme thing. You now, music, costumes, the works. I was wondering… well I wanted to know if you’d like to go with me?” Mia said the last in a rush, suddenly feeling very nervous about asking in the first place.
Ever smiled at the other woman and nodded. “That sounds like fun. I’d love to go with you.” Mia exhaled a breath she wasn’t ever aware she was holding.
“Really? I mean great! I think it will be a lot of fun and we are way over due for some of that.” That was definitely something they both could agree on. After dinner was finished, and the kitchen cleaned up both Mia and Ever decided to forgo watching a movie and just sat and talked instead. It was like they were getting to know each all over again, or maybe it was getting to know the new women they had become after tragedy. They talked about the past, and Caroline, but they also talked about the future. They talked long into the early morning until Ever finally yawned and Mia was about to fall over in exhaustion. “Well, I’m off to sleep for a couple of hours before work. It’s going to be a long day, but it was worth it. I had a lovely time tonight. Thank you.” Mia smiled at Ever and rose from her place on the sofa.
“I had a nice time too. Thank you for dinner, and for the conversation. It means a lot that you never gave up on me Mia.” Ever rose and Mia took a few steps to stand in front of her. She placed a hand on the side of Ever’s face and was pleased when Ever leaned into the touch.
“I could never give up on you Ever,” she said in a near whisper and before either woman truly knew what was happening, they had leaned in until their lips met in a gentle kiss. Mia’s lips parted urging Ever forward and Ever obliged. Their tongues danced together, and both women moaned slightly.
Mia finally pulled back, flushed with her eye’s half lidded and shining. “Wow. I think we should go to bed now before our plan to take things slowly flies right out the window.”
Ever was breathing hard and felt slightly unsteady on her feet. “I think you’re right.” She said when she was able to catch her breath. “Goodnight Mia.”
“Goodnight Ever.” With that both women retired to their separate bedrooms, each dreaming of days and nights to come.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
The week seemed to drag on forever to Mia. There were no more passionate goodnight kisses but there were covert looks across the dinner table, slight touches whenever her or Ever passed by the other. They would hold hands while watching television before bed and usually shared a sweet albeit chaste kiss before going to sleep. Mia didn’t mind moving slowly, it was all very sweet, and she knew that Ever needed to take her time. If she was being perfectly honest with herself, she needed that too. It was odd, the feeling of falling for her best friends one true love. She didn’t like to think of that way, it left a sour taste in her mouth. Ever wasn’t Caroline’s any longer. Caroline was gone, but Ever and Mia were here, alive and deserving of love. She knew that if her best friend were watching from wherever she was, she would most definitely agree and probably be Mia and Ever’s biggest cheerleader. They did experience some excitement Wednesday night when their teenage neighbor came rushing over exclaiming that her dog was giving birth. She asked both Mia and Ever if they would come over and help her as her parents were away and she didn’t want to be alone in case something went wrong. Mia and Ever both rushed to the house next door in time to witness the birth of the first puppy. The mom didn’t need any help and Ever and Mia just watched astonished as each puppy, five all together, made their debut into the world. When Mia looked over and Ever, she saw that her eyes shined with unshed tears and she placed her hand on her back and rubbed lightly. Life was all around them and it felt like maybe they were both ready to jo
in it once again.
The week dragged on for Ever as well. The closer they got to the weekend, Ever found herself really looking forward to the weekend and spending time at the party with Mia. She had never been an overly social person, but in the past year she had isolated herself almost completely. After Caroline died, Ever couldn’t stand to be in the same room with more than a few people at a time. The constant chatter that follows a suicide. She saw it every time she went outside after Caroline’s death. People would stare and talk low behind their hands to each other.
“That’s her, the one whose girlfriend killed herself.” “Poor woman, her girlfriend killed herself you know.”
Ever couldn’t stand to see it, to experience it any more and so she isolated herself from pretty much everyone except Mia. Mia was the only one who could even come close to knowing what Ever was going through. They had mourned together, and now, Ever hoped; they could move forward into a future together as well.
Saturday had finally arrived and Ever and Mia had gone out for a light lunch at a local café earlier in the day. They weren’t sure what exactly would be available to eat at the party later so they had a quick sandwich to tide them over. They sat on the outside veranda enjoying the sun.
“Are you looking forward to tonight?” Mia asked Ever. Ever hurried to finish chewing her turkey sandwich, washing the bite down with a swig from a water bottle.
“I really am. I can’t even remember the last time I just went out to have fun. No agenda, just simply have a good time. I’m so glad I’m going with you.” Ever blushed ever so slightly and Mia found her adorable.
With Love, Caroline Page 6