With Love, Caroline

by Jennifer Hebbard

  “I’m glad we are going together too. It does seem like it’s been forever since we have just let loose. There’s so much stress and worry in daily life, everyone needs a break from time to time.” They finished their lunch and left the café to walk the three blocks back to their house. After they had walked about a block in silence, Ever tentatively reached for Mia’s hand. Mia smiled to herself and clasped Ever’s hand in her own linking their fingers. Every part of Mia tingled in anticipation of the party. Being with Ever, even if it was something as simple as walking home on a sunny day felt so right to Mia. She believed with everything that she was that this was just meant to be. Just as they were about to turn the corner onto their own block both women were stopped short by someone calling their names from behind.

  “Ever! Mia! Wait up!” Nicole Moore. Other than Ever, Mia and her family, Nikki was probably the closest friend Caroline had. Ever hadn’t seen her since she had left school. Mia had run into her from time to time but they never shared more than a passing hello. Both Mia and Ever stopped and turned toward Nikki. “I thought that was you.” Nikki said out of breath when she reached them. Mia smiled politely as Ever stood next to her looking rather uncomfortable. “How long has it been? It’s good to see you.” Nikki looked directly at Ever largely ignoring Mia.

  “It has been a long time.” Ever replied. “How are you Nikki?”

  Nikki smiled and just as she was about to answer she glanced down and saw Ever and Mia’s linked hands.

  “Well, it looks like you two are doing well.” Nikki said snidely. Ever immediately let go of Mia’s hand and wiped her own down the front of her jeans. Nikki continued. “It’s good to see that you two are still together.”

  The way she said together made it sound like a dirty word and almost against her will, Ever felt ashamed. She didn’t even know exactly what she felt shame about and that made her feel even worse. She glanced quickly to Mia and saw the hurt in her eyes.

  “Damnit!” Ever thought to herself. Nikki prattled on for another five minutes about her life but neither Mia nor Ever heard more than a few words. Finally, Nikki’s cell phone started ringing from inside of her purse. Nikki groped for it, finally pulling it out and looking at the caller I.D. display. “Oh shoot, I have to take this. It was nice seeing you again, Ever… Mia.”

  With that Nikki turned back the way she had come chatting animatedly on the phone. Mia and Ever both stood there stunned for a moment. Finally, Mia broke their trance like state by saying

  “We should probably get home and start getting ready.”

  Mia started walking slightly ahead of Ever. Ever nodded and jogged to catch up with Mia but didn’t attempt to take her hand again. She felt she didn’t deserve that pleasure now, and both lost in their own thoughts they entered their house and went off to their separate rooms to shower and get ready for the party that evening.

  Mia was angry at herself that she was so upset. She wasn’t a damn teenage girl anymore. They were adults and none of this got any easier. She wiped away a tear from her eye and shook her head at herself. Who cares what someone like Nikki Moore thought, anyway? Mia never had understood what Caroline had seen in her, or why they were friends. Nikki had been stuck up all through high school and Mia couldn’t imagine that her superior attitude had changed much through college even though Mia didn’t see her much. Judging from what she witnessed today, it hadn’t changed at all. But Caroline’s was a gentle soul and Mia was sure that she had her reasons for caring about the girl. It had hurt when Ever had let go of her hand, she couldn’t help it. Neither of them was doing anything wrong. She sat on her bed and took a deep breath, trying really hard to reign in her emotional response and think logically. She was sure that Ever hadn’t meant to hurt her. This was all so new for Ever, much more so than for Mia herself. Mia had dated off and on throughout the years, and even though she had never felt anything even close to love, she had the experience behind her. Ever had only been with Caroline. This was completely uncharted territory for her and people could be cruel. Mia was sure this wouldn’t be the last time that they would encounter someone who had been friends with Caroline when she was alive, and not all of them would understand or even try to. She was too old to live up to other people’s expectations. She had enough trouble living up to her own. She made a point to let Ever know that everything was fine and started to get ready for the party.

  “Way to go Ever, you fucked up everything.” Ever chastised herself for about the tenth time since entering her bedroom. She looked at the outfit she had chosen for that night on the back of her door and wondered if Mia would even want to take her to the party anymore. Ever sat on the edge of her bed and lowered her head into her hands. Why did everything good never seem to last? She had tortured herself with this question over and over in the past year. She knew that some of it, a lot of it, was her own doing. She didn’t seem to engage in life anymore. Lately though, with Mia, she felt like she was coming back into herself and now she had ruined that as well. She stood from the bed and crossed the hall to Mia’s door. She knocked and waited. She wouldn’t blame Mia at all if she didn’t even want to talk to her right now, but thankfully, the door opened and Mia peeked out, curlers in her hair and wrapped in a towel.

  “Hi.” Said Ever as she rubbed the back of her neck nervously.

  “Hi yourself.” Mia replied with a smile. Ever took heart that if Mia was smiling maybe everything was completely ruined after all.

  “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, for everything.” Ever had trouble keeping her eyes on Mia’s face but she forced herself.

  “You don’t have anything to apologize for Ever. I understand, really, I do. There are always going to be people like Nicole Moore who feel they have a right to judge us. The question is, will we let them?”

  “I don’t want to. I don’t think anyone has the right to judge someone else until they’ve walked a mile in their shoes so to speak, and Nikki Moore hasn’t even come close.” Mia smiled at that and Ever returned it.

  “No, she hasn’t. What we do, or don’t do is between us and no one else. I’m certainly not going to let Nikki or anyone else decide where my future lies, and you shouldn’t either.” Ever nodded feeling so much better.

  “I’ll try, I promise.” Ever said taking one of Mia’s hands in her own.

  “That’s all I can ask.” Mia replied and leaned in and kissed the corner of Ever’s mouth. “Now, leave me be so I can get ready for our date. You need to do the same!” Ever squeezed Mia’s hand and held it for a second longer before she winked at Mia and went back to her own room, excited again about the night ahead.

  Surprisingly it was Mia who had gotten ready first. She was wearing a bright pink and red mini dress with swirling tie dye patterns throughout. She wore white boots that came to her knees, a la’ Nancy Sinatra and her hair was teased up with a little flip in the back. She grabbed a small clutch and put her keys, license, credit card and lipstick inside and she was ready. When Ever’s bedroom door opened, Mia was checking her makeup in the mirror on the wall in the hallway. When she turned around to see Ever, she stopped dead in her tracks. Ever’s dark hair was slicked back on her head and she wore black jeans rolled at the cuff, a tight white V-Neck t-shirt and motorcycle boots. She looked sexy as hell and Mia didn’t care at all that she was staring open mouthed at her now. Ever smiled wide as she took in Mia’s outfit and Mia felt pleased when she saw lust flash in Ever’s eyes momentarily. Mia did a little spin in the living room.

  “Do I look ok?” She asked as she touched up her lipstick one last time.

  “You look amazing,” Ever said as she stepped closer. She looked down at Mia’s boots and grinned. “Are those boots made for walking?”

  Mia laughed and rolled her eyes. Ever chuckled. “How about me?” she asked as she held her arms out.

  “Smoking hot.” Mia replied seriously. “I love the whole Elvis, James Dean thing you have going. It definitely works for you.” Mia took her time looking Ever up
and down, humming in approval. Ever blushed adorably and stuck her hands in her front pockets.

  “Are we ready to go?” Ever asked as Mia threaded her arm through Ever’s and kissed her cheek.

  “Most definitely.” She said and the two women headed out the door looking to all the world like a couple straight out of the sixties themselves.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  The party seemed to be in full swing by the time Ever and Mia arrived. Ever handed her keys to the valet and then ran around to the passenger side of the car to open the door for Mia. As they walked hand in hand into the venue Mia waved at a few people she knew. There was tie-dyed shirts, teased hair and leather jackets as far as the eye could see. The DJ was playing The Monkees “I’m a Believer” and the music was so loud that Ever could feel it vibrate from the soles of her feet. Everyone seemed to be having a great time, dancing and gathering in small groups to talk and laugh. Everyone seemed relaxed and Ever felt her muscles untense themselves. She looked to Mia, she looked beautiful and her eyes sparkled at the scene as she took everything in. Ever was so glad they had come together; Mia deserved a night of fun.

  “Can I get you a drink?” Ever asked and Mia turned a dazzling smile her way.

  “Sure, I’ll have some punch, although I’m sure it’s spiked, but that’s ok. Living on the edge tonight!” Mia laughed and Ever did as well. It was good to see Mia so relaxed and I her element.

  “One spiked punch coming up.” Ever said and Mia winked at her. The music played “Then I saw her face, now I’m a believer.” Indeed, thought Ever as she made her way to the long table that held an enormous punch bowl.

  Ever and Mia hadn’t danced yet. Mia had introduced Ever to a few of her work friends who were all welcoming and friendly. Ever saw Mia’s closest friend, Trevor, a very openly gay man give Mia the thumbs up sign and wink at her. Mia blushed adorably and Ever smiled. The current song ended, and the DJ started to play I can’t help Myself by the Four Tops. Ever grabbed Mia’s hand and dragged her away from her friends to the dance floor. Mia threw her head back and laughed as she grabbed onto Ever’s shoulders and started dancing. Ever didn’t know if she had ever seen Mia look more beautiful than she did in that moment. It took Ever’s breath away, and she tightened her grip around Mia’s waist and pulled her closer. Mia seemed to melt into Ever and the music and the crowd faded away as they looked at each other, bodies swaying to the music.

  “Thank you for coming with me tonight. I’m having a great time,” Mia said in a low voice, just loud enough for Ever to hear her.

  “I’m glad I did. You look beautiful Mia, truly.” Ever’s voice was breathless and Mia leaned closer to hear her. Ever’s body vibrated everywhere Mia touched her. The song ended, and another began. Elvis’ Can’t Help Falling in Love. Mia made to exit the dance floor but Ever held her closer, moving her left hand to rest on the small of her back. Mia laid her head on Ever’s shoulder as she heard Ever sing the words to the song, her lips right over Mia’s ear.

  “Shall I stay? Would it be a sin, If I can’t help falling in love with you.” Mia shivered at the words and at Ever’s gentle touch. When Ever leaned closer and placed a kiss on the rim of Mia’s ear, Mia gasped. She could hear Ever’s breath ragged in her ear and feel her heart jackhammer in her chest where she leaned against her.

  “Do you want to get out of here?” Mia asked urgently. Ever just nodded having lost her ability to speak in that moment. She couldn’t ever remember being this turned on before and all she wanted was to be alone with Mia somewhere, anywhere. Clasping hands they hurriedly left the dance floor to their table and their jackets. Trevor smiled knowingly at Mia who blushed.

  “We’re going to take off.” Mia said, trying to sound normal when she felt anything but. The entire table smirked and Mia knew she would never hear the end of it when they all returned to work on Monday. Right then though, she couldn’t care less.

  “It was nice meeting you all.” Ever said helping Mia on with her coat.

  “The pleasure was all ours I assure you, stud.” Replied Trevor. “Take care of our girl here ok.” Ever nodded seriously. “I will.” She said and with that they were gone.

  “Well,” started Trevor looking at the rest of the group. “If Mia has trouble walking on Monday, we’ll know why!” Everyone laughed out loud and Janet the office secretary smacked Trevor’s arm.

  “You’re terrible!” Janet said through peals of laughter.

  “Yes, and you love every second of it.” Trevor replied kissing Janet’s cheek as the rest of the table laughed even harder at his antics.

  The ride home was tense and silent. No words were needed. They both knew where tonight was headed and they were both anxious to get there. Ever pulled her car into their driveway in record time. She barely had her key in the front door and Mia was on her. Stripping off her leather jacket as she untucked her pure white t-shirt and ran her hands along the bare skin of her back as she kissed the back of her neck. Ever moaned and finally got the door unlocked and they both fell through it tangled together. Mia’s eyes had a hungry look as she led Ever to her bedroom. No sooner was the door closed behind them when Mia shoved Ever against it, removing her shirt in one fluid motion. Ever wasn’t wearing a bra and Mia stopped to look at her.

  “You’re beautiful.” She said in a breathy voice, her green eyes had gone dark, the color of turbulent deep water. Ever looked at her as if seeing her for the first time. She wanted to burn the way Mia looked in that moment into her memory forever. She wanted to say something, anything but words were lost to her now. Mia leaned closer and brought her lips to Ever’s. The kiss, gentle at first then became demanding as their tongues danced together, fighting for dominance. Mia’s hands moved down the front of Ever’s body, taking just a moment to rub her thumbs across her nipples before heading lower. She began to unbutton Ever’s jeans and Ever threw her head back and closed her eyes. As soon as she did so, a movie started playing behind her lids. Caroline sitting on her lap at a football game, smiling down at her. Caroline on the first night they made love, so innocent, giving her love and her body to Ever. Caroline laying so still in that bed, so cold.

  “Oh God.” Ever exclaimed and moved quickly away from Mia.

  “What is it? What’s wrong?” Mia had gone from half lidded bliss to concern in the blink of an eye.

  “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Ever scrambled to put her shirt back on and button her pants. She was on the verge of tears and she didn’t want to cry. Not in front of Mia. She was scrambling around the room looking for the door in the dark. Her head was spinning and saturated with memories of Caroline. “Mia… I can’t.” was all she could get out. Mia reached out her hand and stopped Ever’s frantic movement.

  “What’s happening Ever. Talk to me. Did I hurt you?” Mia had been so turned on and lost in the moment she couldn’t even remember all she had done.

  “No! God no Mia, it’s not you.” Ever took a deep breath and ran her hand through her hair.

  “Then what is it exactly Ever? Because last I looked, we were both kind of in the same place here.” Mia’s frustration was showing in her voice. And she felt guilty when she saw Ever wince at her tone. “Just talk to me. It’s me Ever, you can tell me anything.” Mia plead with ever as she straightened her own clothes and sat on the corner of the bed.

  “It’s… it’s Caroline. Every time I close my eyes, I see her. She’s there all the time and I… I just can’t.” Mia closed her own eyes and nodded knowingly. She had known that’s what it would be. She stood and walked over to Ever, stopping about 3 feet in front of where she cowered in the corner.

  “Ever? Ever I need you to look at me.” Ever slowly rose her head and Mia could see the tears trail down her cheeks. It broke her heart, but she needed to say this and Ever needed to hear it.

  “Ever, I loved Caroline too, like a sister and I miss her every single day, believe me. But Caroline, she’s gone Ever. She’s gone, and she is never coming back.” Ever flinched at her words bu
t Mia continued. “I wish things were different, I do. But the reality is that Caroline left us to figure things out on our own and sometimes… sometimes I get so angry at her for that.” Mia shook her head and hastily wiped away her own tears. “She’s gone Ever, but I’m not. I’m right here standing in front of you and I love you. I didn’t mean for it to happen, I didn’t even necessarily want for it to happen but it did as life often does, without my permission. So, there it is. I love you Ever. I’m standing here, right in front of you and I love you, but I can’t make you love me back, I can’t make you stop living in the past and start living for today, for us. I can’t make you do any of those things. The choice, is yours.”

  Mia sat back down on the bed heavily as if the words had taken everything out of her, and maybe they had. Ever stayed still for a moment and then walked slowly to Mia. She stood in front of her for just a second and then leaned down and kissed the top of her head.

  “I’m so sorry.” Was all she said and then walked out the door leaving Mia sobbing and alone.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Mia stayed in her room, even after she heard the front door open and close. She didn’t have the strength or even the desire to face anything else right now. It had been such a perfect night, and she had been happy, truly happy for the first time in so long. Where did it all go wrong? She wondered if she had pushed Ever too far too fast, but no, Ever was right there with her the entire night. They had definitely been thinking the same thing. Maybe Ever just wasn’t as ready as she thought she had been? If that was the case though Mia thought, how long would she have to wait? How long could she wait? She made her way into the bathroom to wash her face and change her clothes. She didn’t hear anything in the house and thought that maybe Ever was sitting outside, giving Mia her space. That’s the kind of thing Ever would do, even thought she was hurting herself; she would be more worried about how she had hurt Mia. Mia shook her head, they both worried so much about each other that she wondered if they left any room at all for anything else. After she had changed her clothes, she stood in front of the mirror and took a deep breath. She had to talk to Ever and even though the thought of doing that right now was painful, Mia had never been the type to put things off just because they weren’t exactly comfortable. She straightened and left her room. She went first to check the deck to see if Ever was still outside. When she saw it was empty, she figured that Ever must have returned to her bedroom when Mia was changing. She knocked lightly on Ever’s door. She was met with silence. Mia’s stomach began to tie itself into knots. It was too silent, and she knew that no matter what Ever was feeling, she wouldn’t just ignore her. She turned the knob slowly and entered the dimly lit room. Dresser drawers were haphazardly thrown open as if items were taken from them in a hurry. Ever’s jacket and keys weren’t on the dresser where she usually kept them and her duffel bag no long sat in the corner of the room. Mia hugged herself as she tried to remain calm.