“Oh Ever, what did you do?” Mia spoke aloud and winced as her voice echoed eerily in the empty room. She exited and closed the door behind her. She only knew two things for sure. One, Ever was gone, and two, she needed to find her.
Ever drove mindlessly down the dark road, no particular destination in mind at all. She just had to go away. All she did was hurt people anymore she thought angrily to herself. She remembered the look of hurt and disappointment in Mia’s eyes. She couldn’t stop the tears from falling again. She was so tired of crying, of feeling weak and helpless. She knew she shouldn’t have just left the way she did, but what could she possibly say? Mia had stood there brave and beautiful and said that she loved her and Ever ran. She didn’t deserve Mia, or her love, she was sure of that. After driving for more than an hour she finally stopped for gas at an all-night station. She could only think of one person to call for help, she just hoped that she answered.
“Hullo?” Jill answered in a sleepy voice. Damn Ever thought, she should have waited until morning to call.
“Hi Jill, it’s uh, Ever. Sorry I woke you.” Ever regretted making the call when she heard how tired Jill sounded.
“Ever? Are you ok? What time is it?” Ever could hear rustling on the other end of the line as Jill struggled to wake up. Ever looked down at her watch.
“Shit. It’s three am. I’m sorry Jill, I’ll call back later.”
“No, It’s ok, I’m up. What’s going on?” Jill asked sounded more awake and concerned.
“Does your family still have that cabin up in the mountains?”
“Yeah, of course. Why? Are you ok Ever?”
“No, not really. Listen Jill, can I stay there for a few days? I just need to get away and I don’t have anywhere else to go.” Ever felt the grasp on her control slipping. She just needed to think.
“Of course, you can, you know that. I’ll call the grounds keeper and tell him to leave the key inside the light outside the door for you. Stay as long as you want, no one is using it right now. Ever are you ok? You’re scaring me.” Jill was now wide awake and she could hear very clearly the shaky quality of Ever’s voice.
“I’m ok Jill, or I will be, I think. I just need to get away somewhere I can think. Don’t worry.” Ever felt slightly better knowing she had the cabin to go to. She and Caroline had spent some time there when they first started college. It was peaceful and remote. Two things that Ever desperately needed right now. Jill was going to worry no matter what Ever told her but she also knew that she wasn’t going to get anything else out of Ever, not tonight. She made a mental note to call Mia later and find out what the hell was going on.
“OK, that cabin is yours. IF you need anything, I’m a phone call away. I love you Ever and I’m here for you.” Jill heard Ever take a deep breath, but she stayed silent.
“Thanks Jill, I appreciate that, and thanks for the use of the cabin.” The two said their goodbyes with Jill promising to call the grounds keeper as soon as they hung up. Ever returned to her car, started the engine and sat there for a moment collecting her thoughts. She thought about Mia, and Caroline, about the past and the future. She had no idea what she was going to do. Just the thoughts that swirled in her head were overwhelming to her right then. She put the car in drive and started towards the cabin and hopefully, some answers.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Mia had found the note Ever had left after about fifteen minutes of frantic searching. It didn’t say much, just that Ever was sorry and that she had to get away to think. That was it, sweet and to the point like Ever herself Mia thought. After reading the note for a second time, Mia sat down defeated on the couch. She was at a loss. “Damnit Ever, you can’t run forever.” Mia said aloud rubbing her face in frustration. She was about to get dressed and just start driving around looking for her when the phone rang. She raced to the cushion where she had tossed her cell, cursing when she dropped it. She finally hit the send button to answer.
“Hello!” She said in a near frantic voice.
“Mia? Mia it’s Jill. Are you ok?” Now hearing the panic in Mia’s voice Jill was sure something was wrong. “Mia what the hell is going on?”
“Did Ever call you? Do you know where she is?” Mia was desperate for answers and hearing Jill’s voice she knew she had them, or at least some of them.
“Whoa, calm down a minute Mia. Yes, Ever called me early this morning. She asked if she could go to the cabin for a few days. What’s going on Mia? What happened with you two?” Jill waited patiently for Mia to take a deep breath and fill her in.
“Sorry Jill. TO be honest, I have no idea what’s going on, but I’m scared to death.” Mia relayed to Jill everything that had happened right up to the point where Mia had found the note and Jill had called. Jill was silent for a few minutes trying to comprehend everything that Mia had just told her.
“So, everything was going ok, well, more than ok and she just freaked out and left?” Mia winced knowing how it made Ever look.
“I think the more intimate we became, the more memories of and guilt over Caroline creeped up on her. It all just became too much, I guess. I have to go to her Jill; I have to make sure she’s ok.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea Mia.” Mia started to interrupt and Jill stopped her. “Wait, I spoke to her, I heard her voice. She said she needed some time alone, to get her head straight, to figure things out. I think she meant it. Going to her now Mia, well I think it would be a mistake.” Mia stayed quiet. She knew Jill was right. If Ever had been in the frame of mind to talk to her, she would never have left in the first place.
“I’m so tired of losing the people I love, Jill. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.” Mia wept quietly and Jill wished more than anything she could be there.
“You haven’t lost Ever Mia, not yet. She just needs some time, some closure. Listen, I have some time coming to me, why don’t I come up there and stay with you. I’ll get a mini vacation and you won’t have to be alone.”
“You don’t have to do that Jill. I’m a big girl.” Mia really did want Jill to come, but she didn’t want to seem needy.
“Nonsense, I know I don’t have to, I want to. I can be there tomorrow ok.” Jill help her breath and hoped that Mia’s stubbornness wouldn’t prevent her from asking for the things she needed.
“That would be nice. Thanks Jill.” Both Mia and Jill breathed a sigh of relief.
“It’s settled then, I’ll see you tomorrow and Mia? It’s all going to be ok, I just have a feeling.” The women said their goodbyes and hung up. Mia held the phone in her hand not wanting to miss a call from Ever if she did decide to call. She laid her head back on the couch and closed her eyes. Every instinct she had told her to go to Ever, protect her, but she couldn’t. Not this time, and not from this. Ever had to figure things out on her own now and Mia prayed that when she did, it would lead her back home.
Ever arrived at the cabin a little after sunrise. She was exhausted and her body ached everywhere from the long drive and the emotional upheaval had taken a toll on her as well. She couldn’t wait to just fall into bed and sleep for a little while without thinking of anything. She hoped that was even possible, but she doubted it. She knew when she closed her eyes, she would see them, the women she loved. Ever shut off the engine and stared at the cabin for a moment. She remembered coming here with Caroline, Mia too. They had been so young, and innocent then before tragedy had touched their lives. They lived each day knowing that tomorrow would come, they never doubted it for a moment. Well, Ever thought, that wasn’t exactly true. That’s how she and Mia lived, Caroline she wasn’t so sure. It seemed that Caroline always knew she would leave us one day. The clues were there, we were3 all just too blind to see them at the time. Ever thought that in her own way, Caroline did what she could to prepare both her and Mia of what she thought, knew, was an eventuality. Ever covered her eyes with both hands and sighed. She couldn’t get into this now, not right this second. She just didn’t have the st
rength, but she knew she would have to examine all of those things and more if she ever hoped to move on and live a life worth living again. She gathered her bag from the backseat, opened her door and made her way to the front door where the key was waiting exactly where Jill said it would be. She entered the large room of the cabin and was assaulted with the scent of her memories. She breathed deeply and smiled.
Freshman Year- Binghamton University. Spring break, the Cabin
“Come on slow pokes!!!” Caroline ran up the hill and stopped to take a deep breath. “Oh my God, the air, the view!” Caroline ran like a child to the cabin’s front door. Ever and Mia looked at each other and smirked.
“I guess that means we’re carrying in the bags.” Mia laughed as she reached into the trunk and grabbed a large duffel.
“Looks that way.” Ever replied, grabbing hers and Caroline’s bags with a smile. “She seems better right? Since she left the hospital?” Mia stopped and looked at Ever sadly.
“Yes, she usually is on a high for a while after an admission. It’s like she has a new lease on life for a while and then reality sets in again. It’s always been that way, even when we were kids. At first it gave us hope. We were naïve enough in the beginning to believe that maybe she was cured.” Mia shook her head, frustrated and sad. “Then we had to watch that hope disintegrate when she would go into another depressive spiral.” Mia shouldered her bag and gave Ever a smile. “One day at a time, right?” Ever nodded.
“One day at a time.” She repeated as they both followed Caroline into the cabin where they were spending the week in much needed relaxation.
After putting away their clothes and toiletries the three women cooked hamburgers on the grill that sat on the deck overlooking the woods. Caroline sighed in contentment and she scooted her chair closer to Ever.
“I’m so glad we’re here. Isn’t it beautiful?” Caroline said and laid her head on Ever’s shoulder. Ever never looked away from Caroline’s face.
“Gorgeous.” She replied, kissing the top of Caroline’s head lightly. Mia stretched and closed her eyes.
“I’m full and exhausted. I’m going to turn in. Be good kiddies, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Ever gave Mia a smirk and Caroline rose to give her a hug.
“I love you Mia.” Caroline whispered as she held her best friend close.
“I love you too. Get some rest.” Mia kissed Caroline’s cheek and gave Ever a little wave before heading upstairs to the guest bedroom where she was staying.
Ever and Caroline cleaned up the dinner dishes and headed inside to make a fire and cuddle on the couch, enjoying the alone time they were given. It had been the first real alone time they had together since Caroline had been released from the hospital two weeks ago.
“I’m so glad you’re out of that place.” Ever said kissing Caroline’s temple and holding her tighter.
“Hmm, me too, but it wasn’t all bad, really. I met some neat people there actually and even learned a few things that I’m hoping will help next time.”
Ever stiffened at the words next time. She thought she had hidden her reaction from Caroline, but when she reached her hand up behind her to caress Ever’s face, she knew she had failed.
“It’s ok baby. I’m ok right now, and right now is all we really have.”
“I know.” Ever replied softly. “But maybe we should think positively here. Maybe there won’t be a next time now.” Car9line smiled sadly and leaned her head back to kiss Ever softly.
“There’s no cure love.” She said to Ever.
“I know that. Maybe this time though they prescribed the right combination of medications, and you received the right therapy. You said you had learned new things.” Ever said all of this with such hope and faith that it hurt Caroline’s heart.
“That’s true, I did. It’s just… well honestly, the thought of my depression just disappearing for good, well I know this is going to sound crazy but it scares me a little. “Ever sat up and turned Caroline around to face her. Her eyes squinted in confusion.
“Scares you? It makes you miserable. It hurts you!” Caroline looked Ever directly in the eyes.
I know, and everything you said is true, it’s just…”
“What?” Ever asked desperate to understand.
“Well, it’s just that it's been a part of who I am for so many years. In a way it’s shaped the person I am today, or at least had a hand in it. What if… what if it’s the one thing I can point to and say that’s me. What if, if it disappeared completely it takes with it all the parts that make me… me?”
Ever was still confused, but that didn’t matter now, what mattered most right now was that Caroline knew she was there for her no matter what. She put a hand on each side of Caroline’s face.
“I don’t know if it has anything to do with making you who you are. What I do know is that I love the person you are. I always will. No matter what.”
Caroline closed her eyes and a single tear escaped. “Ever.” She whispered almost reverently. “I wish I had met you so much sooner so that I could love you longer.” She said and kissed Ever again.
“We have the whole rest of our lives baby.” Ever said.
“Yes, the rest of our lives.” Caroline replied with a note of sadness in her voice that Ever didn’t care to examine at that time as Caroline laid her head on Ever’s chest and they held each other, the only noise the crackling of the fire.
Ever sat now on that same couch staring at the now cold and unused fireplace. She tried desperately to reign in the sob stuck in her thought determined to make its way out. Did Caroline know that night that the rest of her life would only be a matter of three short years? Ever believed now that she did. Not the exact amount of time but Caroline knew that the rest of their lives would be a much shorter time than Ever believed in that moment. The tears flowed freely from her eyes as she lay in a fetal position on the couch. If she closed her eyes and concentrated, she believed she could still smell Caroline’s scent on the fabric.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Jill arrived in record time and Mia didn’t think she had ever been so happy to see someone in her life. The two friends hugged tightly before Jill even put down her luggage.
“How are you doing?” Jill asked looking concerned at the bags that had developed on Mia’s eyes.
“I’ve definitely been better. I’m worried about her and… I miss her. I feel so helpless just sitting here you know?” Jill nodded her understanding and took Mia’s hand leading her to the sofa.
“I do know. If it means anything, I think you’re doing the right thing, staying here. Ever is lost, and she is the only one that can find her way again. I know you want to help, but sometimes we help best by stepping back.” Mia knew that Jill was right, and she hated it. She had never been very good at staying silent when someone she loved was hurting.
“I just want to fix everything. Make it ok again.” Mia said her voice catching as she tried to control her emotions. Jill put her arms around her again.
“I know, you always did.” Mia nodded.
“Well, I’m not very good at it. I couldn’t fix Caroline then, and I can’t fix Ever now.” Mia couldn’t keep her tears at bay any longer and she lay with her head on Jill’s lap as the younger woman stroked her hair trying to comfort her.
“It’s not your fault Mia. None of it is your fault. Not Caroline, not Ever.”
“I tried so hard for so many years with Caroline. Mia sobbed. “I thought that if I could be a better friend to her, that she would want to stay, but she left me anyway. She left and now, so has Ever.” Mia cried harder than she had since Caroline died as Jill said nothing, just held her and comforted her.
“Oh Mia. You and later Ever were the best things that ever happened to Caroline. You brought her joy in her sadness and light in her darkness. Without the two of you I think we would have lost her much sooner.” Jill was crying herself now. She missed her sister so much. “Ever isn’t gone for good though Mia. She just need
s time, and closure and I for one believe that her heart will lead her back to where it belongs, with you.”
“Do you really believe that?” Mia asked sitting up and looking at Jill. “That Ever and I belong together? I mean her and Caroline were so perfect together.”
“Ever and Caroline were perfect together, then. That was a different time, and that time has passed. Now is your time, yours and Ever’s. I believe that. You need to believe it too.” Mia nodded. She was so appreciative of Jill’s support and her words, she hoped she was right. The women decided to order a pizza and sat and talked for a few more hours until Jill started yawning.
“I’m sorry, Jill, you must be exhausted. Let’s go to bed, I think after talking to you and knowing you’re here I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Thank you so much for coming, for everything.” Mia hugged Jill again.
“You don’t have to thank me. That’s what friends do.” Jill yawned again, and both women laughed. “I guess I should get to bed before I fall down right here.” With one last hug both women headed to their respective rooms and hopefully a good night’s rest.
With Love, Caroline Page 8