CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Ever woke up with a start breathing heavy not remembering what it was she had been dreaming or why it had woken her. It took her a few minutes to remember where she was and why. The sun had gone down hours ago, but Ever had lost all sense of time. She rose from the couch and stretched cramped muscles. She turned a small lamp on the end table on to illuminate the room thinking that maybe she would make a fire later if she could find any wood. Her stomach growled, and she realized she hadn’t eaten anything in over 24 hours. She knew that there was always cans of soup and staples of that kind in the cupboards here and she went in search of something for dinner.
After finding a can of soup and some crackers in the cupboard she put the soup on the stove to warm and went in search of her bag and a sweatshirt to ward off the chill in the cabin. She pulled the first thing she saw out of her bag and realized it wasn’t one of her sweatshirts, but Mia’s. Ever held the hoodie up to her nose and breathed deeply of Mia’s scent. Without thinking she pulled the sweatshirt over her head and sighed. She wished it were Mia’s arms around her now. She so much wanted to be free to be with Mia, to start a life with her because the truth of the matter was, she was in love with her, even if she hadn’t said it out loud yet. She was still trapped in the past though and unless she could figure out a way to break free, she and Mia didn’t have a chance. Ever took a deep breath and prayed for answers. She put her hands in her back pockets and started back towards the kitchen to check on her soup when she felt the envelope. She hadn’t even realized she taken it with her. With trembling hands, she pulled it out of her pocket and looked at the neat script written on the outside. My Forever. How many times had Ever read those two words over the past year? Hundreds? Thousands? She turned the envelope over and put her finger under the flap. She hesitated and then took her hand away quickly as if it had been burned. She couldn’t, not yet. She closed her eyes in frustration and was brought back to that day, that horrible day. The day Caroline died.
Binghamton University Campus- One Year Ago
The ringing of Ever’s phone irritated her as she rushed to get to class. She had so much going on right now that she simply didn’t have time for chit chat. What if it’s Caroline or Mia though she thought and with a sigh put her pack on the ground and rummaged through it for her ringing phone. Grabbing the phone hastily she saw Caroline’s face on the caller ID. Ever told Caroline she was running late, Caroline told Ever that she loved her. Ever felt weird, something niggling in the back of her mind that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Then he saw her friend Jordan, and she hastily said her goodbyes to Caroline and hung up.
That was it. That was the last time Ever had heard Caroline’s voice. She had been so concerned about being late and getting her notes that she hadn’t even told Caroline that she loved her. She knew. She knew something was wrong, she had felt it and she did nothing. Ever dropped to her knees her head in her hands sobbing. She could smell her soup now burning on the stove and she didn’t care. All of those things, all of those things that she had thought were so important meant nothing without Caroline and she hadn’t even told her that she loved her. Ever dropped her hands from her face and still on her knees looked up. “I’M SORRY!” She screamed at the sky. “I’m so fucking sorry.” Her head slowly fell forward as her tears continued to fall onto the wooden floor beneath her.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
“Two days. It’s been two days since anyone has heard anything from her Jill!” Mia paced back and forth in front of Jill, the anxiety coming off of her in waves like a sonic boom.
“Mia, you have got to calm down. Just because we haven’t heard from Ever doesn’t mean anything is wrong.” Jill tried to be the voice of reason but knew by the look on Mia’s face that she had failed.
“It doesn’t mean she’s ok either though, Jill.” Mia was in full panic mode by this time. “I can’t sit here and not know Jill. I wasn’t there for Caroline when she needed me most, I won’t make that same mistake with Ever.” Jill looked absolutely stunned at Mia’s words. She reached up grabbed her hand and pulled her to sit next to her on the couch.
“What are you talking about Mia? You were always there for my sister. Always, even as kids!” Mia looked at Jill and smiled sadly shaking her head.
“Not when it counted, Jill.” Mia started to say more and her voice caught in her throat. “Not when it counted.” Jill gave Mia a moment. She kept holding her hand and sat back and waited. She knew Mia would talk to her when she was ready. “That day. That goddamn day that Caroline died, she called me.” Mia shook her head again as Jill waited patiently for her to continue. “She called me that morning, asked if I could come home for a bit. I had a lunch date that afternoon and so I told her I would come back after that was done. By the time I got back to the house, well… it was too late. I was on a date with a woman whose name I can’t even remember as my best friend lay dying. So no, Jill I wasn’t always there for her. She needed me that day and I should have felt something or heard something in her voice, but I didn’t. She needed me and I didn’t go and now I have to live with that for the rest of my life.” Mia broke down in tears and Jill held her gently, not really knowing what to say to make her feel better.
“Mia, it’s not your fault. My sister was sick, you know this. I don’t think that anything anyone could have said or done would have stopped her from leaving us. You had a life to live of your own. I know that, Caroline knew it too.”
Mia shook her head. “It’s true Mia. You and Ever were the best things that ever happened to my sister. I am convinced we would have lost her much sooner if it weren’t for the two of you. You gave my sister life and I could never thank you enough for that Mia.”
Jill allowed a few tears of her own to fall as Mia took her in her arms. Both women took comfort in the other, both lost in thoughts of the past.
Ever woke up in a fetal position still on the floor. She had no idea how long she had been there but her stiff muscles told her it had been too long. She slowly made it to her feet and tried to walk off the stiffness. The awful burned smell coming from the kitchen made her gag as she remembered the soup. She quickly hobbled over to the blackened mess, grabbing a dish towel and throwing the entire disaster in the sink running cold water over it. She was glad she only had the stove on the warm setting or she could have burned the whole place down. She shut off the stove, left the gooey mess in the sink for tomorrow and set about trying to find some wood for a fire. She knew she should call Jill… or Mia but she just couldn’t talk to anyone right now. She out on her coat and walked outside. The weather was crisp and clear and she stopped to look up at the stars. There looked to be a million of them. She wondered if Mia was looking at them as well. If nothing else right now, it was a comfort to Ever to know that they were at least under the same sky. She missed Mia, more than she thought she would. She missed the easy way Mia had about her, the way Ever always felt comfortable and safe when she was with her. She missed the way Mia touched her, as if she were something to be revered, worshipped. Ever saw a shooting star then and closed her eyes and made a wish. She made her way to the side of the cabin and was relieved to find a stack of cut wood under a tarp. She grabbed a handful and went back inside to start a fire. She had completely lost her appetite but thought that she should probably find something small to eat, anyway. She set about stacking the logs in the fireplace and starting a flame. She sat back on the floor leaning against the sofa and watched as the tiny flame caught and grew. She looked up on the mantle above the fireplace and saw a family portrait she never remembered seeing before. There was Jill, looking young and fresh faced, standing next to Caroline, who only sported a half smile that somehow never reached her eyes. Ever stood and walked to the photo, running one finger down the side of Caroline’s image. “You looked so sad, baby, even then. I miss you so much and I don’t know how to do this without you. What’s the answer love?” Ever closed her eyes as her fingers wrapped around the edge of the photo frame.
She opened them suddenly when she felt something out of place on the back of it. She gently took the frame off of the mantle and turned it around. There, stuck in the corner was a folded piece of paper jammed between the metal of the frame and its cardboard backing. Ever took the paper with two fingers, replacing the frame on the mantle before unfolding it and reading what was written inside. There in pencil in childlike script that Ever knew was undoubtedly Caroline’s was written one word, faded with time but still legible. Love. That was what was written there for who knew how many years waiting Ever thought, for her to find it. Love was the answer.
Mia stood on the back deck looking up at the stars. She took a deep breath and thought of Ever. She prayed that she was ok and getting the answers that she needed. She wasn’t angry with her at all, she knew that Ever cared for her in her way, but she also realized that if they were going to have any kind of chance together that Ever needed to make peace with the past. After tonight’s confession to Jill about the day that Caroline died, Mia thought that she may need to find some of that peace as well. She heard the door slide open behind her, Jill came and stood next to her, looking up at the sky as well.
“Such a beautiful night. So clear.” Jill said taking a deep cleansing breath.
“Hmm, it really is. It looks like you can just see forever up there. All the universes and planets, I bet you could even see Heaven if you look hard enough.” Mia smiled as she looked over at Jill who nodded.
“I talk to her you know.” Jill said looking back at the sky. “I tell her about my day, the date I went on the night before. I tell her… I tell her that I miss her, that I love her.”
Mia moved closer to Jill and put her arm around the younger woman as Jill laid her head on Mia’s shoulder. Mia kissed the top of Jill’s head. She had always thought of Jill as her sister too.
“I miss her too. More than I can even say in words. I get so angry sometimes, at her. She left us. I know she was sick; I know she was suffering but… she just left us.” Jill nodded. She understood, and no words were needed. The two women stood there in silence for a while longer. Looking at the sky, each finding their peace in their own way.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Ever had been at the cabin for five full days now. Every one of those days for at least an hour she sat and held onto the letter that Caroline had left her. She stared at it and turned it over and over in her hands, but she never opened it, she couldn’t, not yet. She was closer, or at least she felt that she was and that was an improvement. She had called Jill yesterday to check in and let her know that she was ok. Jill told what a mess Mia had been since she had left. Ever promised to call and talk to her soon. She stared down at the envelope that now lay on her lap again. “I’m sorry.” She whispered as she set the envelope to the side and picked up her cell and dialed Mia’s number.
“Hello?” Mia sounded rushed and by the casual tone of her voice Ever knew she hadn’t checked the caller I.D.
“Hi, it’s, it’s me.” Ever said in a low voice. She felt bad that she had waited this long to call Mia. There was a pause on the other end of the line and Ever prayed Mia wouldn’t just hang up on her.
“Ever?” Mia half whispered. “I’m so glad to hear you called. How are you?” Mia said all of this in a fast jumble and Ever smiled into the phone.
“I’m good, well… not good but I’m ok and working towards good. How are you?”
“I’m ok. I miss you, Ever,” Mia said her nervous voice had disappeared and Ever’s heart clenched at the sadness she heard in her voice now.
“I miss you too Mia. I’m sorry, for the way I left. I’m sorry for so many things Mia.” There was so much that Ever wanted to say to her and she couldn’t find the words.
“It’s ok, Ever, I get it, really I do. I just want you to be ok.” Mia wanted to say that she would come to the cabin, that she would help Ever through this, she wanted to tell her that she loved her. Somehow though, Mia didn’t think Ever was ready to hear any of those things quite yet. “What have you been doing up there by yourself? I mean you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to or if it’s private.” Mia closed her eyes feeling like she had stuck her foot directly into her mouth. If Ever wanted to share she would, she didn’t need her hounding her about it.
“No, it’s fine really. I’ve been spending time thinking. A lot about the past, about Caroline. I’ve been thinking about the future too, about you.”
Mia smiled; she couldn’t help it. She loved that Ever was thinking of her and possibly even planning for a future together or at the very least thinking about one. “Is it helping at all, this time?” Mia hoped that it was.
“I think so. I have thought about a lot of things that I have just avoided for the past year. It was past time really.” Mia silently agreed. Ever told her about the note she found behind the picture and about not yet being able to read the letter from Caroline.
“What is it do you think that’s stopping you from reading it?” Mia asked. She had her own thoughts on why Ever had never read the letter but she wanted to hear it from Ever herself.
“A lot of reasons I guess,” Ever Began. “But these were her last words to me. I feel that once I open it, and read it, that she’ll really be gone. I mean I know she’s gone but it all just seems so final.” Ever didn’t know if she was explaining this right. She wasn’t really ready to let go yet, but she didn’t want to hurt Mia’s feelings by saying so out loud.
“I get it, Ever, really I do.” Mia said softly. “You don’t owe me, or anyone else an explanation but I’m glad that you felt you could share that with me.”
“I want to, share things with you I mean. You have been such an important part of my life for so long Mia. You have always been there for me, just like you were always there for Caroline.”
Ever didn’t understand why Mia started crying then.
“There’s something I need to tell you, Ever,” Mia said wiping her tears away. She continued to tell Ever the story of the day Caroline had died, that she had shared with Jill earlier. Ever listened to everything Mia said, her heart went out to her.
“Looks like we both have some forgiving to do. Starting with ourselves.” Ever said and really wished she was there in person to hold Mia and comfort her.
Ever and Mia talked for a little while more, mainly just assuring the other that they were ok. They said their goodbyes with a promise to talk again in the next couple of days. Ever hung up the phone feeling good about the conversation they had. Honesty was the key she thought. If Mia and her couldn’t be honest with each other, even about things that hurt they didn’t stand a chance. Ever set down the phone and her eyes tracked to the envelope sitting on the side table once again. It really was becoming a millstone around her neck. She knew that sooner rather than later she would have to open it and face whatever as inside, but not today. She looked out the window and figured she had about an hour of sunlight left in the day. She decided to take a walk and with that decided she left her phone and the envelope where they lay on the table, grabbed her coat and headed outside.
After walking for about thirty minutes trying to clear the cobwebs from her head, Ever realized the temperature was dropping far faster than she had anticipated. She shoved her hands in her jacket pocket in an attempt to warm them and pulled her collar up as far as it would go around the back of her neck. She was walking by the lake not far from the property and the wind was picking up all around her. The sun was setting quickly, and she decided it was time to turn around and head back to the cabin. As she reached a part of the trail that had a slant down to the lake, she heard a soft mewling sound carried towards her on the wind. Ever couldn’t tell at first if it was a child or an animal but whatever it was, it was clearly in distress. Ever followed the sounds as best she could trying not to get tangled up in the brush off the side of the trail. She finally came to a large tree that had a low-hanging branch that protruded half way out over the water. In the setting sunlight she made out a small all black figure perc
hed towards the end of the branch crying softly, clearly terrified. As Ever inched closer he realized it was a kitten.
“It’s ok little one, I’ll help you.” She said as she carefully made her way onto the branch and inched towards the frightened animal. She kept one foot back behind her and extended her other leg and arm close enough to be able to grab the tiny animal by the scruff of its neck. She quickly pulled the kitten to her chest and checked for injuries as the animal licked her face in gratitude. Ever could find no injury to the tiny animal, it was just cold and scared. She kissed the top of its head. “There you go, you’re safe now.” Just as Ever bent down to place the kitten on the ground she heard a loud CRACK and knew that the branch that was holding her was about to break. The kitten, frightened by the sound jumped from Ever’s arms to safety just as the branch gave way and sent Ever into the cold blackening water of the lake.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Mia hated to see Jill go. They had spent so much time together this past week and Mia felt like maybe both of them had gotten a little of the closure they needed surrounding Caroline’s death. Jill had to return to work though and so did Mia. The women hugged each other fiercely.
“We’ll get together again soon,” Jill promised.
“Yes, much less time in between visits. Thank you, Jill, for everything.” Mia hugged Jill again.
“Anytime, you know that. Don’t worry Mia, Ever will come around, she loves you.” Mia nodded and hoped Jill’s words were true as the younger woman grabbed her suitcase and headed out to the waiting car. Giving Mia one last small wave before getting into the back seat. Mia shut the door and hugged herself. She missed Ever so much she wished she could talk to her again. No sooner had that thought run through her head than her phone rang. She looked at the caller I.D. and saw Ever’s name.
With Love, Caroline Page 9