Never Look Back

by Lilliam Rivera

  I take a deep breath. I’ll be fine. More families enter wearing their Sunday best. Mass is about to start. From where I sit, the sky is still very gray. I exhale.

  An older lady with a warm smile sits next to me. I recognize her from the weekday masses I attend. Her name is Doña Petra. Of course, she knows Penelope and Titi Sylvia.

  “Qué calor,” Doña Petra says. She pulls out a sequined fan. The church is extra stuffy today. The air feels so heavy. Doña Petra drops the fan down by me and gets up to open the window even wider.

  “Ah, allí está Orfeo,” Doña Petra says when she returns. “¿Él es tu novio?”

  Of course she would know Pheus too. I respond with a no, but my grin is hard to conceal.

  Pheus is placed amid the choir of young kids. He seems so at ease. The choir director, who also strums a guitar, motions for Pheus to begin. The song, “Vienen con Alegría,” is a welcome song, happy and cheerful. The choir is strong. They know what to do. After the first verse, they stop singing and allow Pheus to take the reins. The acoustics in the church project so far. His voice is sonorous and so soothing. Everyone—the priest, the churchgoers, even Doña Petra—is enraptured.

  Pheus pulls a handkerchief from his back pocket and wipes his forehead. I mime a quiet clap for him. He does a slight bow and flashes his dimples. This is where Pheus truly shines. When Pheus is in front of an audience, it’s as if he becomes another person, a more heightened version of himself.

  Father Vincent stands by the podium. He raises his hand to signal to everyone mass is about to begin.

  Toward the back of the church, a baby starts to cry. It’s a guttural wail made all the louder because of the sudden silence. Another toddler joins in. A boy throws himself on the floor and begins to kick and scream. Throughout the church, babies fuss and bellow. Crying children are everywhere, as if they all caught the same tragedy. Even Father Vincent is unsure how to proceed.

  Pheus has a look of surprise. More kids join in. They weep in unison.

  And I realize what this is. I know what’s coming.

  I look out the open window. Raindrops hit the windowsill. The babies will not stop screaming.

  I see him. He’s here.

  Ato.

  CHAPTER 11

  Pheus

  Outside, the wind picks up and rattles the stained-glass windows. I can’t hear a damn thing. The children won’t stop crying. The hairs on my arms stand. Something is not right. I look to Eury, and her face tells me all I need to know.

  I drop the guitar and run to her. She stares in fear toward the open window. I don’t see what she’s seeing.

  “Ayúdala,” the old lady says, urging me to help her.

  “Hey, Eury!” I grab her shoulders. She finally sees me. The rain enters the inside of the church from the window.

  “He’s out there,” Eury says.

  “Who is? Who’s trying to get to you?”

  She can’t say, so I do what I do. I grab her hand and move away from the crowd—the mothers trying to soothe the babies and those offering unwanted advice on how to do so.

  I don’t know this place. I don’t know shit. There’s only Eury’s trembling hand that I clutch in mine. We run downstairs to the church’s basement. Remnants of last night’s party are still intact with deflating balloons and a Happy Birthday sign taped to the wall.

  I make sure the windows in the basement are closed.

  “Who’s out there that has got you like this?” I ask. “Tell me who and I’ll go out and confront them. Who is he?”

  The windows begin to shake. It must be the wind.

  “He’s trying to get in,” she says, freaking out.

  “Ain’t nobody coming in here. And if they do, they have to come through me.”

  I puff my chest out. I’ve been in fights before. This isn’t new. I can handle myself. If I have to throw down, I’m ready. The rattling continues. We can still hear the babies screeching upstairs.

  “It’s Ato. He’s out there.”

  Eury points to the window. I grab a chair and press my face against the glass. There’s no one there. Only the rain. What is it?

  “He’ll find a way in,” she says. Eury cries. She can’t stop trembling.

  “Where? I don’t see him.” Whoever is messing with her is about to get beat. I sit Eury down. I’m going to find him. I’m not here for stalkers or fools trying to mess with my people. I’mma let him know. I may not be from the Bronx, but I gets down like I am.

  “I’mma take a good look around. Make sure whoever is out there trying to scare you is going to stop, because I’m going to make him stop.”

  “Don’t go out there. Please.”

  I kneel in front of her.

  “Just gonna poke my head out. That’s all. I’ll be right back. No one is going to come in here. No one.”

  There is a stick used to open the large stained-glass windows. It’s not a bat, but it will do.

  I head back up the stairs and do a slow creep around the corner to where Eury said this guy Ato was standing. I hold tight to the stick, ready to wield it across Ato or whoever is causing Eury such harm.

  I turn the corner and for a split second, I see a figure. The slender body of a boy crouched down, peeking into the basement window. It’s got to be him. I make a run for it.

  But when my footsteps get closer, there is no one there. I could have sworn I saw a person. He probably ran as soon as he heard me stomping toward him.

  The blocks surrounding the church are equally deserted. Not a soul around except for some churchgoers lingering in front. This Ato guy must be quick to be able to bounce without a trace. Damn. This stalker followed Eury to the park, and now he’s trying to show up at church. I’m not having that.

  “Stop messing with Eury or I’m going to end you!”

  I yell this at the top of my lungs. Let them all know what’s up. Whoever is doing this is not going to get away with it. Not while I’m around. He’s going to know what’s what.

  “Yo, shut the fuck up!”

  A guy from the apartment building across the way responds the only way people from the BX do, by cursing me out. I know he ain’t the one, so I let it go and return to the basement. Inside, Father Vincent has once again taken control of the mass. Babies are no longer having a fit.

  Eury sits where I left her. Although her hair shields her face, I can still follow her tears streaming. I feel all kinds of bad. I kneel down in front of her.

  “He’s gone.”

  “Did you see him?” she asks with urgency. “Did you see Ato?”

  She knows this dude. A guy she used to roll with, huh? His name is Ato. What kind of name is that? Ato is the type of nickname a guy gives himself to sound cryptic and cool.

  “I thought I saw him. A guy crouched down looking through that window.” I point to the same spot she was glued to earlier. “When I reached him, he was gone. I don’t know where he booked it to. It was still raining.”

  “Did you really see him?”

  She clutches my arm. This is important. There is this fire in her eyes. She needs this validation. I wish I had grabbed the guy. Given him the four knuckles. No one should be afraid to walk the streets. No one should have to live a life in fear because of some dude.

  “What did he do to you? He was at the park, wasn’t he?” I shake my head. I don’t like this. My anger rises up. I feel like breaking something fragile, hearing a bottle shatter into pieces. She hesitates. I don’t want to push her into reliving trauma. But who am I kidding, as if she’s not reliving it right now.

  “I’m sorry you are going through this. What can I do to help?”

  The sun pierces through the window, shining a light on her. I brave it and place my palm over hers. I don’t want Eury to be scared. Whoever is doing this to her must know they are also doing this to me. We stay like this for a long minute, until her hands stop shaking.

  “You good leaving?”

  Eury nods. We walk up the stairs alongside each other.
The mass has reached the part where they are giving out the body and blood of Christ. I wait to see if Eury wants in on this. She stops before the exit, squeezing my hand. I squeeze back. I’m here for her. Whatever she wants or needs. I’m here for Eury.

  She closes her eyes tight, mouthing the words to a prayer. I pay real close attention to who is around us. A guy walks his pit bull. A family is ready to enter the church for the next mass. Every single person is a suspect in my book.

  “The D. Pater Company has given me their word that the church will not be put up for sale.” Father Vincent has moved on to community announcements. “The new buildings will be multi-use. This will be a great time to welcome new parishioners into our flock.”

  “I’m ready,” Eury says.

  We step out to the front of the church. There are no clouds in the sky. It’s hard to believe just minutes ago there was a downpour. I feel myself checking corners for this shadow of a guy.

  “I want to tell you about Ato,” Eury says.

  I nod to her. This is a good thing. I need to get information on this boy Ato so I can start sending out my feelers. Everyone knows everyone on this block. If homeboy is making moves around Eury, I can easily find out.

  “Okay. My father isn’t home. We can talk there,” I say. “I’m on the up-and-up. Te lo juro. You can trust me.”

  Eury accepts my invitation. She walks to the building, not really saying anything. We go extra quiet when we pass her aunt’s apartment. My heart races a bit. I will get the biggest beatdown from Penelope’s father if he thinks I’m up to no good with Eury.

  My guitar rests against the wall where I usually leave it. I tap the wood for good luck as if I’m letting the guitar know I’m home. I also tap the ceramic elephant after placing the keys down beside it. I pick up my clothes spread all over the place in my rush to meet her this morning.

  “Sorry.” I shove them into my duffel bag. Why can’t I be just a little bit more on top of things in my life? I can hear my mother’s voice in my head telling me that a mess is a sure sign of disorder and mayhem. She never allows my room to be in disarray. How will Eury trust me if I can’t even manage to put away my clothes or get to her on time? I got to do better. When I finish clearing up the mess and converting the bed back into a sofa, I urge Eury to sit down.

  “You want tea? I can make us some. Chamomile. It’s supposed to be good.” I put the water to boil, and like a doofus, I wait for it. Man, I have no game in front of Eury. The player moves I’ve done before with other girls fall out the window. I don’t know where to even place my hands. I grab a couple of mugs, then fill them with hot water and the tea bags. I sit down and wait for her to begin.

  “Ato has been a part of my life for so long, ever since I was little.” Eury takes her time. With every pause she looks up to make sure I’m following. “He appeared out of nowhere, right after my father left us.”

  “He came to the Bronx to torment you. That’s messed up.”

  A long pause again. I need to shut up. I need to listen and keep my comments to myself because this is hard for her.

  “Ato was my friend for a long time. He helped me, but this changed as I got older, and I realized he wanted more from me.”

  Of course, sex. Homeboy tried to play that and it didn’t go his way. Jerk.

  “He wants to take me away from here. He keeps saying we belong together. The hurricane was his first act.”

  I shake my head. The hurricane? Ato did that? Eury is losing me. I don’t understand.

  “What do you mean the hurricane? How? Who is he?”

  She’s afraid to continue. The mug stays on the coffee table. Steam rises from the hot tea.

  “Ato is Death,” she says.

  CHAPTER 12

  Eury

  He saw Ato. He saw him. Finally, Ato is no longer a secret I harbor alone. He is real and Pheus is my witness. This has to be enough. These scenes are not manifestations of stress like Mami says. It proves I am not making this up. I cling to this sliver of hope although Pheus nervously bounces his legs. His whole body generates anxiety. So does mine.

  I’m at a crossroads here, the same turning point I faced earlier with Penelope. Do I continue to lie or do I allow Pheus a glimpse into this trauma? Penelope was unable to meet me halfway, but maybe Pheus will prove different.

  He must. I have to continue.

  “Ato isn’t human. He’s something unsettled. A spirit.” I sound unsure. If I turn to Pheus, I will see how he doesn’t believe me. He will give me the look Titi, Mami, and Penelope have given me, so I don’t. I stare at the mug in front of me and go on.

  “Ato’s not from this plane. He wants me to leave this place and be with him forever.” My voice trembles because this is the first time I am actually admitting this to another person, the horror of Ato’s unrelenting hunt to take me from this world.

  “A spirit. You’re talking about ghosts and shit?” Pheus says. He gets up. He sits down again. “Damn. Damn. But I saw him. I mean, I think I did.”

  He finds doubt, and because of that, I must try harder to change Pheus’s mind. I keep talking, although this is way more painful than I could have ever imagined. Pheus can’t turn away from the truth now, not when he stands so close.

  “Ato wants me to live with him in el Inframundo. That’s what he calls it. His home. Inframundo,” I say. “He thinks I will be safe there. He destroyed Puerto Rico because I refused to go with him. Hurricane Irma was just a preview. Hurricane María showed what he was truly capable of doing. He followed me from Puerto Rico to Tampa, and now he’s found me here. I don’t know how to stop him.”

  Pheus shakes his head. But Ato did cause the hurricane. It was barely a year ago. I was there, and I will never forget it.

  Our neighbors help us secure the house again. Mami gives them a gallon of water before they leave.

  “Llámanos si necesitan algo,” Blanca says.

  “¡No va pasar nada! Va ser como Irma,” Mami says before kissing Blanca ’bye. I’m glad Mami is so confident. I find myself checking the tarps on the window once more while she works in the front of the house. I go over our food and water supplies in my head. I think about the candles and the lighters we placed in ziplock bags.

  “You don’t have to bother.” I jump at the sound of Ato’s melodious voice. It’s been almost three weeks since I last saw him, and in those weeks, I felt peace. I guess I just really believed he was gone, that my prayers were answered.

  “Did you like it?” he asks.

  “The jewelry box?” The gift is still hidden underneath my clothes. “Sure.”

  He laughs, and it sounds so jarring. “I mean the hurricane.”

  I stop what I’m doing. “What do you mean?” My heart races.

  “I knew you didn’t like the gift. I thought I might do something more to get your attention.” He paces in front of me like a tiger ready to pounce.

  “You are lying,” I say.

  “A little wind and rain to remind you how fragile life is here,” he says. “In el Inframundo—”

  “Stop this!” I am done with his threats that are masked in supplications. “Why would you think I would leave with you? I don’t love you.”

  Over the years I’ve explained away his irrational behavior. Made excuses for his hostility toward anyone who befriended me. I’ve tried to be patient. It was never enough for Ato. It’s over. He must see what we had no longer exists, only in his warped mind.

  “I will build you a home exactly the way you want it to be,” he says. “You won’t lack anything.”

  “You need to leave and don’t ever come back.” Although I’m trembling I must stand my ground. Ato can’t have his way.

  He faces me, and I know what will happen next. I have seen how his anger transforms him into a sinister beast. He is turning, and there is nothing I can do but watch in horror.

  “I’ll make you understand,” Ato says. The sky loses its beautiful azure color. In its place the clouds roll deep and loom large. �
��You are meant to be with me. The sooner you see this, the easier it will be for you. Until then, you leave me no choice.”

  Ato’s eyes turn completely black. The eyes of a demon. He loses his smile, his nose. His face becomes a blur.

  “I will destroy what you call a home, and you’ll realize this place is held up by the weakest foundation.”

  Oh my god. I run to the front of the house to find Mami.

  “We have to take cover,” I say, but Mami doesn’t understand. She thinks I’m talking about Hurricane María.

  “Eury, what’s going on?” she asks.

  I look out the window, and Ato stands there. First, he starts with the wind. The rains soon follow. He gestures, and a palm tree goes down. Then another. His face is unrecognizable. A flick from his wrist and a gust of wind shatters the living room window as if the tarps were made of tissue.

  “¡Ay, Dios mío!” Mami screams. I grab her and run to the bathroom.

  Ato continues the onslaught. Hours go by with Mami and me cowering in the bathtub. Crying and screaming with every jolt.

  The walls on the house make an unnatural sound as if moaning. I look up toward the ceiling. Bits and pieces of the stucco start to fall down upon us. The ceiling itself shifts, jostled back and forth by Ato. Another groan from the foundation and I cling tighter to Mami. I am certain we are about to die.

  “You are telling me this guy, this spirit, created the hurricanes that drove you out of the island? Is that what you are saying? How?” He slaps his hands together. “This is X-Men stuff, Storm levels. A being controlling the weather. Straight from the movies, yo.”

  He is trying to make sense of something indescribable. I’m losing him. Proof doesn’t matter. I feel as if I am once again falling down a dark abyss.

  “I don’t know anything about this stuff,” Pheus says. “Otherworld stuff. Evil ghosts. For real. I only know what’s in front of me.”

  My heart slowly breaks. Pheus owes me nothing. Still, I try even when his denial fills me with a deep and utter hopelessness. Pheus said he saw him. Why can’t that be enough?