MALEVENTO
Mine, Andrada Malevento.
KING
Andrada Malevento, we make you
Vice-admiral of our navy.
CORDOLENTE
Oh, spiteful comedy. He’s not a courtier of half an hour’s standing, and he’s made a vice already.
KING
We make thy husband —
CORDOLENTE
A cuckold, do you not?
MALEVENTO
Son, you forget yourself.
CORDOLENTE
Meddle with your own office; there’s one will look that none meddles with mine.
MALEVENTO
Is not a change good?
CORDOLENTE
Yes, of a lousy shirt.
KING
Take hence that fellow; he’s mad.
CORDOLENTE
I am indeed horn-mad. Oh, me! In the holiest place of the kingdom have I caught my undoing; the church gave me my banes.
TORMIELLA
What the church gave thee, thou hast still.
CORDOLENTE
Half parts; I thought one had ta’an thee up.
TORMIELLA
Take me home with thee. I’ll not stay here.
KING
Ha!
TORMIELLA
Let me not come to court.
MALEVENTO
The king is vex’d; let me persuade thee, son,
To wink at small faults.
CORDOLENTE
What, Sir Pandarus?
TORMIELLA
Sends the king you to blush in’s room.
MALEVENTO
Y’are a baggage.
KING
Go tell the lunatic so. Andrada, hark —
IAGO
The king bids me sing into your ear
Sweet notes of place and office which shall fall —
CORDOLENTE
Into my mouth. I gape for ’em.
IAGO
He bids me ask what will content you.
CORDOLENTE
Nothing, nothing; why, sir, the powers above cannot please us and can kings thank you? When we are brought forth to the world we cry and bawl as if we were unwilling to be born; and when we are a-dying we are mad at that.
KING
Take hence that wolf that barks thus.
CORDOLENTE
I am muzzl’d, but one word with your majesty. I am sober, sir.
KING
So, sir.
CORDOLENTE
You oft call parliaments, and there enact
Laws good and wholesome, such as who so break
Are hung by th’purse or neck. But as the weak
And smaller flies i’th’spider’s web are ta’en
When great ones tear the web, and free remain,
So may that moral tale of you be told
Which once the wolf related: in the fold
The shepherds kill’d a sheep and eat him there;
The wolf look’d in, and seeing them at such cheer,
“Alas,” quoth he, “should I touch the least part
Of what you tear, you would pluck out my heart.”
Great men make laws that whosoe’er draws blood
Shall die, but if they murder flocks, ’tis good.
I’ll go eat my lamb at home, sir.
KING
Part, and thus reckon never to see her more.
CORDOLENE
Never!
TORMIELLA
Never thus, but thus a prince’s whore.
[Exeunt. Manent CORDOLENTE and GAZETTO.
CORDOLENTE
Thou dar’st not, if thou do’st; my heart is great.
Thus wrong’d, thou canst do little if not threat.
GAZETTO
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
CORDOLENTE
At what dost laugh ?
GAZETTO
At a thing of nothing, at thee. Why shouldst thou be afraid to fall into the cuckold’s disease?
CORDOLENTE
Because it makes a doctor an ass; nothing can cure it. Are you answer’d, sir?
GAZETTO
Come, th’art a fool to grieve that thy wife is taken away by the king to his private bedchamber.
Now, like a book call’d in, she’ll sell better than ever she did.
CORDOLENTE
Right, sir, but could he choose no stock to graft upon, but that which was planted in my nursery?
GAZETTO
I’ll show thee a reason for that.
CORDOLENTE
Why?
GAZETTO
Leachers coming to women are like mice amongst many cheeses; they taste every one, but feed upon the best. Horns rightly weigh’d are nothing.
CORDOLENTE
How, nothing! Oh, sir, the smallest letters hurt your eyes most, and the last headache which come by a woman’s knocking hurts more than a cut to the skull by a man’s knocking.
GAZETTO
Yet I warrant thou dar’st swear thy party’s honest?
CORDOLENTE
Ha, swear! Not I. No man durst ever swear for his wife but Adam, nor any woman for her husband but Eve. Fare you well, sir.
GAZETTO
Whither art flying?
CORDOLENTE
In pieces. Dost not see I’m shot out of a cannon?
GAZETTO
Downwards I’ll shoot thee, but as devils use,
I’ll tickle at thy tortures, dance at thy stumbling,
Play with thee, and then paw thee. Shalt make me merry.
The crown of black deeds that are hatch’d in hell
Is to outlive and laugh, and all’s play’d well. [Exeunt.
Act Four, Scene Two
ENTER BILBO AND COXCOMB.
BILBO
I have not pass’d by a don to touch whose hand mine own was never more troubled with a more terrible itch.
COXCOMB
I have not met a signior at whom mine own eyes, as if roasted enough, did ever burn more in desire to fly out; so that whether to recoil or advance on, I am between hawk and buzzard.
BILBO
The honey of sweet compliment so turn up your tusks or mochatoes that they be not too stiff, to bristle against my acquaintance.
COXCOMB
Your acquaintance is a limbeck, out of which runneth a perfum’d water, bathing my nostrils in a strong scent of your embracings. Are you of court, Signior?
BILBO
No, Signior, of the city. Are you a don of the city?
COXCOMB
No, Signior, of the court. City, I smile.
BILBO
Why?
COXCOMB
I assure you, Signior, you are to us of the court but animals. You are held but as shoeing horns to wait on great lords’ heels.
BILBO
Let ’em pay us what they owe then, and pull on their shoes, and we’ll wait no more.
COXCOMB
You are our apes.
BILBO
But you are fuller of apish tricks.
COXCOMB
No sooner leap our ladies into a fashion but your wives are ready to creep into the same.
BILBO
Why not? For though some of your ladies invent the fashion, some of our wives’ husbands are never pay’d for the stuff or making.
COXCOMB
Give way with your poor scull to our oars, for I tell thee, Signior, you of the city are the flatten milk of the kingdom and we of the court the cream.
BILBO
I tell thee, Signior, we of the city eat none of your court butter, but some of you munch up our flatten milk cheese.
COXCOMB
Be not too loud; for you might be good singers at court but that most of you are spoiled in learning your pricksong.
BILBO
Be not you too loud; though you are good ringers in the city, for most of you have bells at your doors.
COXCOMB
Be temperate. I will show you your city cinquipace; you bear, swear, tear,
rear, and wear; you bear the tankard, swear shop oaths, tear money out of debtors’ throats, rear rich estates, wear good clothes, but carry your conscience in torn pockets.
BILBO
Be attentive. I will show you your court coranto pace; it consisteth of five B’s and three C’s. You borrow of any man, are brave on any terms, brag at any hand to pay, bellow at any that demands it, bite any catchpole that fangs you, but carry neither conscience nor coin in your whole pockets.
COXCOMB
Tell me, Signior, tell me why in the city does a harmless sign hang at the door of a subtle Nicodemus sitting in a shop?
BILBO
And tell me, Signior, tell me, why when you eat our good cheer i’th’city, have you handsome wide chops, but meeting us at court, none. Your gum’s glue’d up, your lips coop’d like a ferret, not so much as the corner of a custard. If a could cup and a dry cheat loaf, ’tis well.
COXCOMB
Come, come. You are acorns and your sons the prodigals that eat you up.
BILBO
Go, go. You are prodigals and glad of the yellow acorns we leave our sons
COXCOMB
I will cross myself when I owe money to a citizen and pass by his door.
BILBO
I will bless myself when a courtier owing me no money comes near my door.
COXCOMB
You are descended from the tankard generation.
BILBO
You are ascended up to what you are, from the black Jack and bumbard distillation.
COXCOMB
Dear Signior!
BILBO
Delicious don! [Exeunt.
Act Four, Scene Three
ENTER DON JOHN and PACHECO his boy.
JOHN
Boy.
PACHECO
My lord.
JOHN
Art sure thou sawst the admiral at court?
PACHECO
Am I sure I see your lordship in your gown?
JOHN
And talking with the king?
PACHECO
Most familiarly.
JOHN
And what say the people about my committing to mine own house?
PACHECO
The beast grins at it; there’s a libel already of you, my lord.
JOHN
A libel! Away!
PACHECO
Yes, faith, my lord, and a song to the tune of “Lament, Ladies, Lament.”
JOHN
I’m glad the stinkards are so merry. A halter on ’em; it’s music to them to have every man thrown off. You have seen the king’s mistress, boy, have you not? What manner of piece is’t?
PACHECO
Troth, my lord, I know not. I never saw her shot off. A pretty little pocket dog.
JOHN
What report gives she?
PACHECO
A very good report of her husband, but he gives an ill report of her.
JOHN
How does the ladies take it, now the King keeps a wench under the Queen’s nose?
PACHECO
They take it passing heavily. It goes to the heart of some of them that he keeps not them too.
JOHN
I heard say they were all once leaving the court.
PACHECO
True, sir, but there was a device which stopp’d ’em. [Knocking within.
JOHN
Who are you?
VALASCO
[Within.] My lord, we must speak with you.
JOHN
What are you? [To PACHECO.] Fetch me a weapon.
OMNES
[Within.] Your friends.
KING
[Within.] ‘Sdeath, break it down!
Enter KING, VALASCO, and Others.
JOHN
The King.
I did not understand your majesty.
KING
You shall, for I’ll speak plain to you. Know you these? [Shows papers.
JOHN
Not I.
KING
You do not; a king’s arm, thou seest,
Has a long reach, as far as Portugal
Can we fetch treason back hatch’d here by you.
JOHN
Me!
KING
Thee and the traitorous Portugals to deprive me
Of life and crown, but I shall strike their king
And them, and thee beneath into the earth.
JOHN
And lower then earth you cannot.
KING
Half your body
Is in the grave; it only lacks our hand
To cast the dust upon you, yet you stand
On slippery ice yourself and trip at us
Whose foot is fix’d on rocks, but since th’ast thrown
Thyself down, never look to rise.
JOHN
I care not. I will be little so
In debt to you, that I will not owe you
So much as God a’ mercy for my life.
KING
You shall not then; stand not to aim at marks.
Now rove not but make choice of one fair white.
Th’ast but one arrow to shoot, and that’s thy flight.
The admiral knows our pleasure. [Exit with train.
JOHN
And heaven knows mine.
Left in mine enemy’s hand. Are you my gaoler?
VALASCO
No, my lord. I think I’m rather left
To be your confessor.
JOHN
I need not any,
That you and I should both meet at one ball,
I being the stronger, yet you give the fall.
VALASCO
A kind of foot-ball slight, my lord. Men use
Exceeding much at court; yourself has heard
Little shrimps have thrown men higher than the guard;
But barring this rough play, let’s now consider
For what I stay, and what you are to do.
JOHN
Do what?
VALASCO
To die.
JOHN
And must you play the hangman?
VALASCO
Break in, fellows.
Enter Guards.
JOHN
‘Sdeath, what are these?
VALASCO
Your executioners appointed by the King.
JOHN
These my executioners,
And you my overseer. Wherefore kneel they?
VALASCO
To beg your pardon, for they fear their work
Will never please you.
JOHN
What book’s that they hold?
This is no time for dedications.
VALASCO
That book is sent in love to you from the king.
It contains pictures of strange sundry deaths.
He bids you choose the easiest.
JOHN
Then I choose this. [Snatches a halberd.
VALASCO
Your choice is ill-made.
JOHN
I’m more sorry, sir.
I had rather have my body hack’d with wounds
Then t’have a hangman fillip me.
VALASCO
My lord, pray pardon me.
I’m forc’d to what I do; ’tis the King’s pleasure
To have you die in private.
JOHN
Anywhere;
Since I must down, the King might let me fall
From lofty pinnacles, to make my way
Through an arm’d field, yet for all that, even then,
Unless I slew a kingdom full of men
I should at last be paid home; blackest fate
Thy worst; I here defy thee, what the state
Appoints ’tis welcome.
VALASCO
That’s to have your head.
JOHN
’Tis ready.
VALASCO
He’ll be quiet when you are dead. [Exeunt.
Act Four, Scene Four
>
ENTER TORMIELLA, MALEVENTO and ALPHONSO.
ALPHONSO
Madam, there’s a fellow stays without to speak with you.
TORMIELLA
With me!
Enter CORDOLENTE, disguised.
ALPHONSO
Your shoemaker, I think.
TORMIELLA
Hast brought my shoes?
CORDOLENTE
Yes, madam.
TORMIELLA
You drew them not on last.
CORDOLENTE
No, madam. My master that serv’d your last has very good custom, and deals with other ladies as wella s you, but I ahve fitted you before now. I should now the length of your foot.
TORMIELLA
I do not remember thee.
CORDOLENTE
I’m sorry you have forgotten me.
TORMIELLA
What shoe was the last you drew on?
CORDOLENTE
A yellow.
TORMIELLA
A yellow! I never wore that colour.
CORDOLENTE
Yes, madam, by that token when I fitted you first, you wore not your shows so high i’th’instep, but methinks you now go clean awry.
TORMIELLA
A fault I cannot help; many ladies besides me go so. I hope ‘twill grow to a fashion.
MALEVENTO
Has not that fellow done there?
CORDOLENTE
Yes, sir. I have now done. I have a suit to you, madam, that none may be your shoemaker but I.
TORMIELLA
Thy master thou sayse serves me; I should wrong him then.
CORDOLENTE
Yet do you me more wrong. Oh, my Tormiella!
Is the leaf torn out where our love was writ?
Then I am quite forgot.
TORMIELLA
Softly, my sweet.
CORDOLENTE
Oh, misery! I make myself a thief
To steal mine own; another at my fire
Sits whiles I shake with cold, I fatten a stranger
And starve myself.
TORMIELLA
Danger throws eyes upon thee;
Thus visit me, watch time for my escape
To any country by thy dearest side;
I’ll lackey the world o’er; I’ll not change
Thee for a thousand kings. There’s gold.
MALEVENTO
Not yet done?
CORDOLENTE
Yes, sir. I’m only taking instructions to make her a lower chopeen; she finds fault that she’s lifted too high.
MALEVENTO
The more fool she.
Enter IAGO.
IAGO
The king comes, madam; he enquires for you.
Enter KING, VALASCO, GAZETTO as LUPO, and others.
KING
My brother John is gone then?
VALASCO
I ha’ bestow’d him as you commanded, in’s grave.
KING
He’s best there.
Except the gods, kings love none whom they fear.
How now!
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 85