IMPERIA
Music there to close our stomachs. How do you like him, madonna?
SECOND COURTESAN
O, trust me, I like him most profoundly. Why, he’s able to put down twenty such as I am.
THIRD COURTESAN
Let them build upon that. Nay, more, we’ll henceforth never go to a cunning woman, since men can teach us our lerry.
FOURTH COURTESAN
We are all fools to him, and our husbands, if we can hold these reins fast, shall be fools to us.
FIFTH COURTESAN
If we can keep but this bias, wenches, our goodmen may perchance once in a month get a foregame of us; but if they win a rubbers, let them throw their caps at it.
IMPERIA
No, no, no, dear features, hold their noses to the grindstone and they’re gone. Thanks, worthy signior. Fie, fie, fie, you stand bare too long. Come, bright mirrors, will you withdraw into a gallery and taste a slight banquet?
FIRST COURTESAN
We shall cloy ourselves with sweets, my sweet madonna.
SECOND COURTESAN
Troth, I will not, Madonna Imperia.
IMPERIA
No, no, no, fie, fie, fie! Signior Lazarillo; either be you our foreman, or else put in these ladies at your discretion into the gallery and cut off this striving.
LAZARILLO
It shall be my office, my fees being, as they pass, to take toll of their alablaster hands.
Exeunt [courtesans]. Imperia stays[, along with Simperina].
Admired creature, I summon you to a parley; you remember this is the night?
IMPERIA
So, so, so, I do remember. Here is a key, that is your chamber. Lights, Simperina. About twelve a’ clock you shall take my beauty prisoner. Fie, fie, fie, how I blush. At twelve a’ clock.
LAZARILLO
Rich argosy of all golden pleasure!
IMPERIA
No, no, no, put up, put up your joys till anon; I will come, by my virginity. But I must tell you one thing, that all my chambers are many nights haunted, with what sprites none can see; but sometimes we hear birds singing, sometimes music playing, sometimes voices laughing. But stir not you, nor be frighted at anything.
LAZARILLO
By Hercules, if any spirits rise, I will conjure them in their own circles with toledo.
IMPERIA
So, so, so; lights for his chamber. [To Simperina] Is the trapdoor ready?
SIMPERINA
’Tis set sure.
IMPERIA
So, so, so, I will be rid of this broiled red sprat that stinks so in my stomach, fih. I hate him worse than to have a tailor come a-wooing to me. [To Lazarillo] God’s me, the sweet ladies, the banquet, I forget. Fie, fie, follow, dear signior. [To Simperina] The trapdoor, Simperina.
Exit.
SIMPERINA
Signior, come away.
LAZARILLO
Cupid, I kiss the nock of thy sweet bow!
A woman makes me yield; Mars could not so.
[Exeunt.]
Act IV Scene 1.
A STREET BEFORE Imperia’s house
Enter Curvetto [with a lantern].
CURVETTO.
Just ten? ’Tis ten just: that’s the fixed hour
For payment of my love’s due fees; that broke,
I forfeit a huge sum of joys. Ho love!
I’ll keep time just to a minute, ay;
A sweet guide’s loss is a deep penalty.
A night’s so rich a venture to taste wrack,
Would make a lover bankrupt, break his back.
No, if to sit up late, early to rise,
Or if this goldfinch, that with sweet notes flies
And wakes the dull eye even of a puritan,
Can work, then wenches, Curvetto is the man.
I am not young, yet have I youthful tricks,
Which peering day must not see; no, close, close,
Old courtier, perilous fellow. I can lie,
Hug in your bosom, close, yet none shall spy.
Stay, here’s the door, the window; hah, this, this
Cord? Umh? Dear cord, thy blessed knot I kiss;
None peeps I hope. Night clap thy velvet hand
Upon all eyes! If now my friend thou stand,
I’ll hang a jewel at thine ear, sweet night;
And here it is: “Lanthorne and Candlelight!”;
A peal, a lusty peal, set, ring love’s knell;
I’ll sweat, but thus I’ll bear away the bell.
[Pulls the cord and is drenched with water. Enter] Simperina above.
SIMPERINA
Signior? Who’s there? Signior Curvetto?
CURVETTO
Umh! Drown’d? Noah’s flood? Duck’d over head and ears?
O sconce! and O sconce! an old soaker, oh!
I sweat now till I drop. What villainies, oh!
Punks, punkateroes, nags, hags, I will ban.
I have catch’d my bane.
SIMPERINA
Who’s there?
CURVETTO
A water-man.
SIMPERINA
Who rings that scolding peal?
CURVETTO
I am wringing wet,
I am wash’d; foh, here’s rose-water sold by th’ ounce.
This sconce shall batter down those windows. Bounce!
SIMPERINA
What do you mean? Why do you beat our doors?
What do you take us for?
CURVETTO
Y’are all damn’d whores!
SIMPERINA
Signior Curvetto?
CURVETTO
Signior coxcomb, no.
SIMPERINA
What makes you be so hot?
CURVETTO
You lie, I am cool;
I am an old courtier, but stinking fool!
Foh!
SIMPERINA
God’s my life, what have you done? You are in a sweet pickle if you pull’d at this rope.
CURVETTO
Hang thyself in’t, and I’ll pull once again.
SIMPERINA
Merry muff, will you up and ride? Y’are mine elder. By my pure maidenhead, here’s a jest. Why, this was a waterwork to drown a rat that uses to creep in at this window.
CURVETTO
Fire on your waterworks! Catch a drown’d rat?
That’s me, I have it, God a’ mercy head!
Rat? Me! I smell a rat, I strike it dead!
SIMPERINA
You smell a sodden sheep’s-head. A rat? Ay, a rat! And you will not believe me, marry, foh! I have been believ’d of your betters; marry, snick up!
CURVETTO
Simp, nay, sweet Simp. Open again. Why, Simperina?
SIMPERINA
Go from my window, go; go from, etc., away. Go by, old Jeronimo; nay, and you shrink i’ th’ wetting. Walk, walk, walk.
CURVETTO
I cry thee mercy, if the bowl were set
To drown a rat. I shrink not, am not wet.
SIMPERINA
A rat by this hemp, and you could ha’ smelt. Hark you, here’s the bell; ting, ting, ting. Would the clapper were in my belly, if I am not mad at your foppery. I could scratch, fie, fie, fie, fie, fie, as my mistress says; but go, hie you home, shift you. Come back presently; here you shall find a ladder of cords. Climb up, I’ll receive you. My mistress lies alone; she’s yours. Away!
CURVETTO
O Simp!
SIMPERINA
Nay, scud, you know what you promis’d me. I shall have simple yawling for this; be gone and mum.
Clap [the window shut, exit].
CURVETTO
Thanks, mum, dear girl; I am gone. ’Twas for a rat,
A rat upon my life. Thou shalt have gifts;
I love thee, tho’ thou puts me to my shifts.
I [knew] I could be overreach’d by none.
A [parlous] head; lie close, lie close, I am gone.
Exit.
Act IV Scene 2.
LAZARILLO’S ROOM IN Imperia’s house
Music suddenly plays, and birds sing. Enter Lazarillo bareheaded, in his shirt, a pair of pantaples on, a rapier in his hand and a tobacco pipe; he seems amazed, and walks so up and down.
LAZARILLO
Saint Jaques and the seven deadly sins — that is the Seven Wise Masters of the world — pardon me for this night! I will kill the devil.
WITHIN
Ha ha ha!
LAZARILLO
Thou prince of blackamoors, thou shalt have small cause to laugh if I run thee through. This chamber is haunted; would I had not been brought a bed in it, or else were well-delivered, for my heart tells me ’tis no good luck to have anything to do with the devil, he’s a paltry merchant!
A song within.
Midnight’s bell goes ting, ting, ting, ting, ting;
Then dogs do howl, and not a bird does sing
But the nightingale, and she cries twit, twit, twit, twit.
Owls then on every bough do sit,
Ravens croak on chimney tops,
The cricket in the chamber hops,
And the cats cry mew, mew, mew;
The nibbling mouse is not asleep,
But he goes peep, peep, peep, peep, peep;
And the cats [cry] mew, mew, mew,
And still the cats [cry] mew, mew, mew.
LAZARILLO
I shall be mous’d by puss-cats, but I had rather die a dog’s death; they have nine lives apiece — like a woman — and they will make it up ten lives if they and I fall a-scratching. Bright Helena of this house, would thy Troy were a-fire, for I am a-cold; or else would I had the Greeks’ wooden curtal to ride away! Most ambrosian-lipp’d creature, come away quickly, for this night’s lodging lies cold at my heart.
The Spanish pavin.
The Spanish pavin! I thought the devil could not understand Spanish, but since thou art my countryman, O thou tawny [Satan], I will dance after thy pipe.
He dances the Spanish pavin.
Ho, sweet devil, ho! Thou wilt make any man weary of thee, tho’ he deal with thee in his shirt.
Sweet beauty, she’ll not come. I’ll fall to sleep,
And dream of her; love-dreams are ne’er too deep.
Falls down [through a trapdoor. Enter] Frisco above, laughing.
FRISCO
Ha, ha, ha!
LAZARILLO
Ho, ho, Frisco! Madonna! I am in hell, but here is not fire; hellfire is all put out. What ho? so, ho, ho? I shall be drown’d. I beseech thee, dear Frisco, raise Blurt the constable, or some scavenger, to come and make clean these kennels of hell, for they stink so, that I shall cast away my precious self.
[Enter Imperia.]
IMPERIA
Is he down, Frisco?
FRISCO
He’s down; he cries out he’s in hell. It’s heaven to me to have him cry so.
IMPERIA
Fie, fie, fie; let him lie, and get all to bed.
Exit.
FRISCO
Not all; I have fatting knavery in hand.
He cries he’s damn’d in hell; the next shall cry
He’s climbing up to heaven, and here’s the gin:
One woodcock’s ta’en; I’ll have his brother in.
Exit.
Act IV Scene 3.
A STREET BEFORE Imperia’s house, a rope ladder hanging from the window
Enter Curvetto.
CURVETTO
Brisk as a cap’ring tailor! I was wash’d,
But did they shave me? No, I am too wise.
Lie close i’ th’ bosom of their knaveries;
I am an old hoary courtier, and strike dead.
I hit my marks; ‘ware, ‘ware, a perilous head.
Cast: I must find a ladder made of ropes.
Enter Blurt and watch.
Ladder and rope; what follow? Hanging. Ay,
But where? Ah ha, there does the riddle lie!
I have ‘scap’d drowning, but, but, but I hope
I shall not ‘scape the ladder and the rope.
WOODCOCK
Yonder’s a light, master constable.
BLURT
Peace, Woodcock, the sconce approaches.
CURVETTO
Whew!
BLURT
Ay, whistling? Slubber, jog the watch and give the lanthorn a slap.
CURVETTO
Whew, Simp, Simp?
[Enter Frisco above.]
FRISCO
Who’s there?
CURVETTO
Who’s there?
FRISCO
Signior Curvetto, here’s the ladder. I watch to do you a good turn. I am Frisco. Is not Blurt abroad and his bill-men?
CURVETTO
No matter if they be; I hear none nigh.
I will snug close; out goes my candle’s eye.
My sconce takes this in snuff; all’s one, I care not.
FRISCO
Why, when?
CURVETTO
I come, close, close; hold, rope and spare not.
[Begins to ascend ladder.]
SLUBBER
Now the candle’s out.
BLURT
Peace.
CURVETTO
Frisco, light, light! My foot is slipp’d; call help!
FRISCO
Help, help, help! Thieves, thieves! Help, thieves, etc.
BLURT
Thieves? Where? Follow close: Slubber, the lanthorn! [To Curvetto] Hold! I charge you in the duke’s name, stand. Sirrah, y’are like to hang for this. Down with him.
They take him down.
FRISCO
Master Blurt, master constable, here’s his ladder; he comes to rob my mistress. I have been scar’d out of my wits above seven times by him and it’s forty to one if ever they come in again. I lay felony to his charge.
CURVETTO
Felony? You cony-catching slave!
FRISCO
Cony-catching will bear an action; I’ll cony-catch you for this. If I can find our key, I will aid you, Master Blurt; if not, look to him as you will answer it upon your deathbed.
BLURT
What are you?
CURVETTO
A Venetian gentleman. Woodcock? How dost thou, Woodcock?
WOODCOCK
Thank your worship.
BLURT
Woodcock, you are of our side now, and therefore your acquaintance cannot serve; and you were a gentleman of velvet, I would commit you.
CURVETTO
Why, what are you, sir?
BLURT
What am I, sir? Do not you know this staff? I am, sir, the duke’s own image; at this time the duke’s tongue, for fault of a better, lies in my mouth. I am constable, sir.
CURVETTO
Constable, and commit me? Marry, Blurt, master constable!
BLURT
Away with him!
He strives.
OMNES
It’s folly to strive.
BLURT
I say away with him! [To Curvetto] I’ll Blurt you; I’ll teach you to stand cover’d to authority. Your hoary head shall be knock’d when this staff is in place.
CURVETTO
Ay, but master constable —
BLURT
No, pardon me, you abuseth the duke in me, that am his cipher. [To watch] I say away with him! Gulch, away with him; Woodcock, keep you with me. I will be known for more than Blurt.
Exeunt [Blurt and the watch with Curvetto]. Enter Lazarillo.
LAZARILLO
Thou honest fellow, the man in the moon, I beseech thee set fire on thy bush of thorns to light and warm me, for I am dung-wet. I fell like Lucifer, I think, into hell, and am crawl’d out, but in worse pickle than my lean Pilcher. Hereabout is the hothouse of my love. Ho, ho; why, ho there!
FRISCO
Who’s that? What devil stands ho-ing at my door so late?
LAZARILLO
I beseech thee, Frisco, take in Lazarillo’s ghost.
FRISCO
Lazarillo’s ghost? Haunt me not, I charge thee. I know thee not. I am in a dream of a dry summer, therefore appear not to me.
LAZARILLO
Is not this the mansion of the cherry-lipp’d Madonna Imperia?
FRISCO
Yes; how then? You fly-blown rascal, what art thou?
LAZARILLO
Lazarillo de Tormes. Sweet blood, I have a poor Spanish suit depending in your house. Let me enter, most precious Frisco; the mistress of this mansion is my beautiful hostess.
FRISCO
How? You turpentine pill, my wife your hostess? Away, you Spanish vermin!
LAZARILLO
I beseech thee, most pitiful Frisco, allow my lamentation.
FRISCO
And you lament here, I’ll stone you with brickbats; I am asleep.
LAZARILLO
My slop and mandillion lie at thy mercy, fine Frisco. I beseech thee, let not my case be thine; I must and will lament.
FRISCO
Must you? I’ll wash off your tears! Away, you hog’s-face!
[Drenches him with urine, then] exit.
LAZARILLO
Thou hast soused my poor hog’s-face. O Frisco, thou art a scurvy doctor to cast my water no better; it is a most rammish urine. Mars shall not save thee; I will make a brown toast of thy heart, and drink it in a pot of thy strong blood!
Enter Blurt and all his watch.
BLURT
Such fellows must be taken down. Stand; what white thing is yonder?
SLUBBER
Who goes there? Come before the constable.
LAZARILLO
My dear host Blurt.
BLURT
You have blurted fair; I am by my office to examine you. Where have you spent these two nights?
LAZARILLO
Most big Blurt, I answer thy great authority that I have been in hell, and am scratch’d to death with puss-cats.
BLURT
Do you run a’ th’ score at an officer’s house, and then run above twelve score off?
LAZARILLO
I did not run, my sweet-fac’d Blurt: the Spanish fleet is bringing gold enough to discharge all, from the Indies. Lodge me, most pitiful bill-man!
BLURT
Marry, and will. I am in the duke’s name to charge you with despicions of felony; and burglary is committed this night, and we are to reprehend any that we think to be faulty. Were not you at Madonna Freckleface’s house?
LAZARILLO
Signior, sí.
BLURT
Away with him, clap him up.
LAZARILLO
Most thund’ring Blurt, do not clap me; most thund’ring Blurt, do not clap me!
BLURT
Master Lazarus, I know you are a sore fellow where you take, and therefore I charge you in the duke’s name to go without wrastling, though you be in your shirt.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 107