GERARDINE
My love’s chaste smile to all the world doth speak
Her spotless innocence.
LIPSALVE
Women’s smiles are more of custom than of courtesy. Women are creatures: their hearts and they are full of holes, apt to receive, but not retain affection. Thou wilt tomorrow thou sayest be gone: if thou wilt know the worst of a country’s, marry before thou goest; for if thou canst endure a curst wife, never care what company thou comest in.
GERARDINE
Come, merry gallants, will you associate me to my cousin Purge’s the pothecary’s and take part of my parting feasts tonight?
GUDGEON
O, his wife is of the Family of Love, I’ll thither: perhaps I may prove of the fraternity in time; we’ll thither, that’s flat.
Exeunt.
Act I Scene 3.
A ROOM IN Purge’s house.
Enter Mistress Purge.
[MISTRESS PURGE]
What, Club, Club! Is Club within there?
Enter Club.
CLUB
Mistress?
MISTRESS PURGE
I pray, what said Master Doctor Glister, will ‘a come?
CLUB
‘A sent word ‘a would, for ‘a was but to carry a diet to one of his patients: what call you her? She that paints a day-times, and looks fair and fresh on the outside, but in the night-time is filthier than the inside of Bocardo, and is indeed far more unsavoury [to those] that know her, forsooth.
MISTRESS PURGE
Went ‘a to her?
CLUB
‘A had a receipt for the grincomes in his hand, and ‘a said ‘a would take that in his way.
MISTRESS PURGE
’Tis well; and what guest besides him and his wife will be here at supper?
CLUB
The first in my account is Master Gerardine your cousin, Master Doctor Glister and his wife, Master Dryfat the merchant, Master Lipsalve the courtier, Master Gudgeon the gallant, and their pages. These I take will be your full number.
MISTRESS PURGE
Then belike my room shall be stuffed with courtiers and gallants tonight. Of all men I love not these gallants: they’ll prate much but do little; they are people most uncertain: they use great words, but little sense; great beards, but little wit; great breeches, but no money.
CLUB
That was the last thing they swore away.
MISTRESS PURGE
Belike they cannot fetch it again with swearing, for if they could, there’s not a page of theirs but would be as rich as a monarch.
CLUB
There’s nothing, mistress, that is sworn out of date that returns. Their first oath in times past was “by the mass”, and that they have sworn quite away; then came they to their faith, “as by my faith, ’tis so”: that in a short time was sworn away too, for no man believes now more than ‘a sees; then they swore “by their honesties”, and that, mistress, you know is sworn quite away; after their honesties was gone, then came they to their gentility, and swore “as they were gentlemen”: and their gentility they swore away so fast, that they had almost sworn away all the ancient gentry out of the land, which indeed are scarce missed, for that yeomen and farmers’ sons, with the help of a few Welshmen, have undertook to supply their places; that at the last they came to silver, and their oath was “by the cross of this silver”: and swore so fast upon that, that now they have scarce left them a cross for to swear by.
MISTRESS PURGE
And what do they swear by now their money is gone?
CLUB
Why, by [ ] and “God refuse them.”
MISTRESS PURGE
And can they not as well say men refuse them, as God refuse them?
CLUB
No, mistress, for men, especially citizens and rich men, have refused them their bonds and protestations already.
Enter Purge.
MISTRESS PURGE
’Tis well; see how supper goes forward, and that my shoes be very well blacked against I go to the Family.
Exit Club.
Now, sweet chick, where hast thou been? In troth, la, I am not well; I had thought to have spent the morning at the Family, but now I am resolved to take pills, and therefore I pray thee desire Doctor Glister that ‘a would minister to me in the morning.
PURGE
Thy will is known; and this for answer say,
’Tis fit that wise men should their wives obey.
And now, sweet duck, know I have been for my cousin Gerardine’s will and have it: ‘a has given thee a legacy, but the total is Maria’s.
Enter Glister, Dryfat and Mistress Glister.
Master Doctor, your wife and Master Dryfat are most welcome; now were my cousin Gerardine and Master Lipsalve here, our
number were complete.
GLISTER
Is this frantic will done? will Master Gerardine to sea? Let me tell you I am no whit sorry; let such as will be headstrong bite on the bridle.
PURGE
’Tis here, Master Doctor; all his worth is Maria’s and locked in a trunk, which by tomorrow sun shall be delivered to your custody.
DRYFAT
Methinks ‘twere a reasonable match to bestow your niece on Master Gerardine: ‘a is a most hopeful gentleman, and his revenue such, that having your niece’s portion to clear it of all incumbrances, ‘twill maintain them both in a very worthy degree.
GLISTER
Tut, you are Master Dryfat the merchant; your skill is greater in cony-skins and woolpacks than in gentlemen. His lands be in statutes; you merchants were wont to be merchant staplers, but now gentlemen have gotten up the trade, for there is not one gentleman amongst twenty but his land be engaged in twenty statutes staple.
Enter Lipsalve, Gerardine and Gudgeon.
LIPSALVE
[Singing] Let every man his humour have,
I do at none repine;
I never regard whose wench I kiss,
Nor who doth the like by mine:
Th’ indifferent mind’s I hold still best,
Whatever does befall;
For she that will do with me and thee
Will be a wench for all.
And how goes the squares?
PURGE
Your stay, gentlemen, does wrong to a great many of good stomachs; your suppers expect you.
GUDGEON
And we our suppers.
GLISTER
And from what good exercise come you three?
GERARDINE
From a play, where we saw most excellent Sampson excel the whole world in gate-carrying.
DRYFAT
Was it performed by the youths?
LIPSALVE:
By youths? Why, I tell thee we saw Sampson, and I hope ’tis not for youths to play Sampson. Believe it, we saw Sampson bear the town-gates on his neck from the lower to the upper stage, with that life and admirable accord that it shall never be equalled, unless the whole new livery of porters set their shoulders.
MISTRESS PURGE
Fie, fie, ’tis pity young gentlemen can bestow their time no better; this playing is not lawful, for I cannot find that either plays or players were allowed in the prime church of Ephesus by the elders.
DRYFAT
Aha, I think she tickled you there.
PURGE
Cousin Gerardine, shall the will be read before supper?
GERARDINE
Before supper, I beseech you.
LIPSALVE
Ay, ay, before supper, for when these women’s bellies be full, their bones will be soon at rest.
DRYFAT
Well, Master Doctor, pity the state of a poor gentleman: it is in you to stay his journey, and make him and yourself happy in his choice.
GLISTER
Hold you content. Shall this will be read?
PURGE
It shall. Read you, good Master Lipsalve.
LIPSALVE
Command silence then.
GUDGEON
> Silence.
LIPSALVE
[Reading the will] “In the name of God, amen. Know all men by these presents that I Gerardine, being strong of body and perfect in sense—”
DRYFAT
That’s false, there’s no lover in his perfect sense.
GUDGEON
Peace, Dryfat.
LIPSALVE
“Do give and grant to Maria Glister, daughter of John Glister, and niece to Doctor Glister, physician, all my leases, lands, chattels, goods and moveables whatsoever.” This is stark naught: you cannot give away your moveables, for Mistress Doctor and Mistress Purge claim both shares in your moveables by reason of their legacies.
DRYFAT
That’s true, for their legacies must go out of your moveables.
LIPSALVE
Ay, put it in: “all my moveables, these following legacies being paid.”
GERARDINE:
Do so, good Master Lipsalve.
LIPSALVE
[Writes.] ’Tis done.
MISTRESS PURGE
I pray read only the legacies, for supper stays.
LIPSALVE
Well, the legacies: “First, I give to my cousin, Mistress Purge, a fair large standing—” What’s this? O, cup: “a fair large standing cup, with a closestool.”
DRYFAT
’Tis not so, ’tis not so.
LIPSALVE
I cry you mercy: “a close cover” ’tis. “To Mistress Doctor I give a fair bodkin of gold, with two orient pearls attending the same: all which are in my trunk to be delivered to the keeping of Maria. In witness, &c.” Is this your will?
GERARDINE
’Tis.
LIPSALVE
To it with your hand and seal.
[Gerardine signs and seals the will.]
MISTRESS PURGE
[Aside to Purge] How is it, chick, I must have the standing cup, and Mistress Glister the bodkin?
PURGE
[Aside to Mistress Purge] Right, sweet duck.
GERARDINE
I pray, gentlemen, put to your hands.
DRYFAT
Come, your fists, gentlemen, your fists.
GERARDINE
[Aside, while the witnesses sign the will] Mistress Glister, I have found you always more flexible to understand the estate of a poor gentleman than your husband was willing; therefore I have thought it a point of charity to reveal the wrongs you [sustain] by your husband’s looseness. Let me tell you in private that the doctor cuckolds Purge oftener than he visits one of his patients; what ‘a spares from you ‘a spends lavishly on her. These pothecaries are a kind of panders; look to it: if ‘a keep Maria long close, it is for some lascivious end of his own.
MISTRESS GLISTER
She is his niece.
GERARDINE
Tut, these doctors have tricks. Your niceness is such that you can endure no polluted [shoes] in your house; take heed lest ‘a make you a bawd before your time, look to it.
LIPSALVE
Come, our hands are testimonies to thy follies. Shall’s now to supper? We’ll have a health go round to thy voyage.
GUDGEON
Ay, and to all that forswear marriage, and can be content with other men’s wives.
GERARDINE
Of which consort you two are grounds: one touches the bass, and the other tickles the minikin.
But to our cheer; come, gentles, let’s away,
The roast meat’s in consumption by our stay.
Exeunt.
Act II Scene 1.
A ROOM IN Purge’s house.
Enter Purge.
PURGE
The grey-eyed morning braves me to my face, and calls me sluggard; ’tis time for tradesmen to be in their shops, for he that tends well his shop, and hath an alluring wife with a graceful “what d’ye lack” shall be sure to have good doings, and good doings is that that crowns so many citizens with the horns of abundance. My wife, by ordinary course, should this morning have been at the Family, but now her soft pillow hath given her counsel to keep her bed. Master Doctor should indeed minister to her: to whose pills she is so much accustomed, that now her body looks for them as duly as the moon shakes off the old and borrows new horns. I smile to myself to hear our knights and gallants say how they gull us citizens, when indeed we gull them, or rather they gull themselves. Here they come in term-time, hire chambers, and perhaps kiss our wives: well, what lose I by that? God’s blessing on’s heart, I say still, that makes much of my wife; for they were very hard-favoured that none could find in’s heart to love but ourselves. Drugs would be dog-cheap, but for my private well-practised doctor and such customers. Tut, jealousy is a hell, and they that will thrive must utter their wares as they can, and wink at small faults.
Exit.
Act II Scene 2.
A street.
Enter Glister.
GLISTER
The tedious night is past, and the jocund morn looks more lively and fresh than an old gentlewoman’s glazed face in a new periwig. By this time my humorous lover is at Gravesend, and I go with more joy to fetch his trunk than ever the valiant Trojans did to draw in the Grecian jade; his gods shall into the walls of my Troy, and be offered to a face more [lovely] than ever was that thrice-ravished Helen: yet with such caution that no danger shall happen to me.
Exit.
Act II Scene 3.
ANOTHER STREET.
Enter Lipsalve and Gudgeon at several doors with their pages, Shrimp and Periwinkle.
GUDGEON
Master Lipsalve, welcome within ken; we two are so nearly linked, that if thou beest absent but one two hours, thy acquaintance grows almost mouldy in my memory.
LIPSALVE
And [thine] fly-blown in mine; how dost thou do?
SHRIMP
Fellow page, I think our acquaintance runs low too; but if it run not o’ the lees, let’s set it a-tilt, and give ’em some dregs to their mouldy, fly-blown compliments.
PERIWINKLE
No, rather let’s pierce the rundlets of our running heads, and give ’em a neat cup of wagship to put down their courtship.
SHRIMP
Courtship? cartship: for the tongues of complimenters run on wheels. But mark ’em, they ha’ not done yet.
GUDGEON
And i’faith how is’t? Methinks thou hast been a long vagrant.
LIPSALVE
The rogation hath been long indeed: therefore we may salute as ceremoniously as lawyers when they meet after a long vacation, who, to renew the discontinued state tale, they stretch it out with such length, that whilst they greet before, their clients kiss them behind.
SHRIMP
If his nose were put i’ the remainder of that state tale, he would say ‘twere an unsavoury one.
PERIWINKLE
I wonder why many men gird so at the law.
SHRIMP
I’ll tell thee, because they themselves have neither law nor conscience.
GUDGEON
But what news now? How stands the state of things at Brussels?
LIPSALVE
Faith, weak and limber, weak and limber; nothing but pride and double-dealing. Virtue is vice’s lackey; beggars suck like horse-leeches at the heart of bounty, and [leaves him] so tired and spur-galled that he can be no longer ridden with honesty.
GUDGEON
Well fare the city yet. There virtue rides a cock-horse, cherished and kept warm in good sables and fox-fur, and with the breath of his nostrils drives pride and covetousness before him, like’s own shadow. Beggars have whipping cheer: bounty obliges men to’t, [and liberality gives money for scrips and scrolls, sealed] with strong arms and heraldry to outlive mortality. Love there will see the last man born, never give over while there’s an arrow i’ th’ quiver.
LIPSALVE
Now we talk of love, I do know not far hence so good a subject for that humour, that if she would wear but the standing collar and her things in fashion, our ladies in the court were but brown sugar-candy, a
s gross as grocery to her.
GUDGEON
She is not so sweet as a pothecary’s shop, is she?
LIPSALVE
A plague on you, ha’ you so good a scent? [Aside] For my life, he’s my rival.
GUDGEON
Her name begins with Mistress Purge, does it not?
LIPSALVE
True, the only comet of the city.
GUDGEON
Ay, if she would let her ruffs stream out a little wider; but I am sure she is ominous to me: she makes civil wars and insurrections in the state of my stomach. I had thought to have bound myself from love, but her purging comfits makes me loose-bodied still.
LIPSALVE
What, has she ministered to thee then?
GUDGEON
Faith, some lectuary or so.
LIPSALVE
Ay, I fear she takes too much of that lectuary to stoop to love; it keeps her body soluble from sin: she is not troubled with carnal crudities nor the binding of the flesh.
GUDGEON
Thou hast sounded her then, belike.
LIPSALVE
Not I, I am too shallow to sound her, she’s out of my element. If I show passion and discourse of love to her, she tells me I am wide from the right scope; she says she has another object, and aims at a better love than mine.
GUDGEON
O, that’s her husband.
LIPSALVE
No, no, she speaks pure devotion; she’s impenetrable: no gold or oratory, no virtue in herbs nor no physic will make her love.
GUDGEON
More is the pity, I say, that fair women should prove saints before age had made them crooked. [Aside] ’Tis my luck to be crossed still, but I must not give over the chase.
LIPSALVE
Come hither, boy, while I think on’t
Lipsalve and Shrimp confer.
GUDGEON
[Aside] Faith, friend Lipsalve, I perceive you would fain play with my love. A pure creature ’tis, for whom I have sought every angle of my brain; but either she scorns courtiers as most of them do, because they are given to boast of their doings, or else she’s exceeding strait-laced. Therefore to prevent this smell-smock, I’ll to my friend Doctor Glister, a man exquisite in th’ art magic, who hath told me of many rare experiments available in this case. — Farewell, friend Lipsalve.
LIPSALVE
Adieu, honest Gregory; frequent my lodging, I have a viol de gambo and good tobacco.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 133