Exeunt Gudgeon and Periwinkle.
Thou wilt do this feat, boy?
SHRIMP
Else knock my head and my pate together.
LIPSALVE
Away then; bid him bring his measure with him.
Exit Shrimp.
Gerardine is travelled, and I must needs be cast into his mould. My flesh grows proud, and Maria’s a sweet wench, &c. But yet I must not let fall my suit with Mistress Purge, lest, sede vacante, my friend Gudgeon join issue:
I’ll rather to my learned doctor for a spell,
For I have a fire in my liver burns like hell.
Exit.
Act II Scene 4.
A ROOM IN Glister’s house.
Enter Mistress Glister and Maria.
MISTRESS GLISTER
[To a servant offstage] I pray let’s have no polluted feet nor rheumatic chaps enter the house; I shall have my floor look more greasy shortly than one of your inn-of-court dining-tables. [To Maria] And now to you, good niece, I bend my speech: let me tell you plainly, you are a fool to be love-sick for any man longer than he is in your company; are you so ignorant in the rules of courtship, to think any one man to bear all the prick and praise? I tell thee, be he never so proper, there is another to second him.
MARIA
Let rules of courtship be authentic still
To such as do pursue variety;
But unto those whose modest thoughts do tend
To honour’d nuptials and a regular life,
As far from show of niceness as from that
Of impure thoughts, all other objects seem
Respectless, of no proportion, balanc’d with esteem
Of what their souls affect.
MISTRESS GLISTER
No marvel sure you should regard these men with such reverend opinion: there’s few good faces and fewer graces in any of them; if one among a multitude have a good pair of legs, he never leaves riding the ring till he has quite marred the proportion. Nay, some, as I have heard, wanting lineaments to their liking and calf to support themselves, are fain to use art, and supply themselves with quilted calves, which oftentimes in revelling fall about their ankles; and for their behaviour, wit and discourse (except some few that are travelled) it is as imperfectious and silly as your scholars new come from the university. By this light, I think we lose part of our happiness when we make these weathercocks our equals.
MARIA
Disgrace not that for which our sect was made,
Society in nuptial beds; above these joys
Which lovers taste when their conjoined lips
Suck forth each other’s souls, the earth, the air,
Yea gods themselves, know none. Elysiums sweet,
Ay, all that bliss which poets’ pens describe,
Are only known when soft and amorous folds
Entwine the corps of two united lovers,
Where what they wish they have, yet still desire,
And sweets are known without [satiety].
Enter [Vial].
[VIAL]
Here’s Club, forsooth, and his fellow prentice have brought Master Gerardine’s trunk.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Let them come in if their feet be clean.
Exit Vial.
So then, your best-beloved is gone: fair weather after him! All thy passions go with him. Recomfort thyself, wench, in a better choice: his love to thee would have been of no longer continuance than the untrussing of his hose; then why shouldst thou pine for such a one?
MARIA
[Aside] She’s foolish sure; with what imperfect phrase
And shallow wit she answers me.
Enter Club and another, with the trunk.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Honest Club, welcome; is this Master Gerardine’s trunk? He is gone then?
CLUB
Ay, indeed, Mistress Glister, he is departed this transitory city, but his whole substance is here enclosed; which, by command, we here deliver to your custody, to the use of Mistress Maria, according to the tenor of the premises.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Place it here, my honest Club, well done. And how does thy mistress? Was she at the Family today?
[Club spits.]
Spit not, good Club, I cannot abide it.
CLUB
Not today, forsooth: she hath over-charged herself and her memory; she means to use a moderation, and take no more than she can make use of.
MISTRESS GLISTER
And I prithee, Club, what kind of creatures are these Familists? Thou art conversant with them.
CLUB
What are they? With reverence be it spoken, they are the most accomplished creatures under heaven; in them is all perfection.
MISTRESS GLISTER
As how, good Club?
CLUB
Omitting their outward graces, I’ll show you only one instance, which includes all other: they love their neighbours better than themselves.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Not than themselves, Club.
CLUB
Yes, better than themselves, for they love them better than their husbands, and husband and wife are all one; therefore better than themselves.
MISTRESS GLISTER
This is logic. But tell me, doth she not endeavour to bring my doctor of her side and fraternity?
CLUB
Let him resolve that himself, for here he comes.
Enter Glister.
GLISTER
O, hast thou brought the trunk, honest Club? I commend thy honest care; here’s for thy pains.
CLUB
I thank you, Master Doctor, you are free and liberal still; you’ll command me nothing back?
GLISTER
Nothing but commendations; farewell.
Exit Club.
Your sweetheart Gerardine is by this time cold of his hope to enjoy thee: he’s gone, and a more equal and able husband shall my care ere long provide thee. What clients have been here in my absence, wife?
MISTRESS GLISTER
Faith, mouse, none that I know more than an old woman that had lost her cat, and came to you for a spell in the recovery.
GLISTER
I think egregious ignorance will go near to save this age; their blindness takes me for a conjuror. Yesterday a justice of peace salutes me with proffer of a brace of angels to help him to his footcloth, some three days before stolen, and was fain to use his man’s cloak instead on’t.
Enter Vial.
[VIAL]
Here’s a gentleman craves speech with you, sir.
GLISTER
Go in, sweet wife, and give my niece good counsel.
Exeunt Mistress Glister and Maria.
His name?
[VIAL]
He will not tell it me.
GLISTER
His countenance?
[VIAL]
I can see nothing but his eyes; the rest of him is so wrapped in cloak that it suffers no view.
GLISTER
Admit him.
Exit Vial.
What should he be for a man?
Enter Lipsalve.
What, Master Lipsalve, is’t you? Why thus obscured? What discontent overshadows you?
LIPSALVE
A discontent indeed, Master Doctor, which to shake off I must have you extend your art to the utmost bounds. You physicians are as good as false doors behind hangings to ladies’ necessary uses: you know the very hour in which they have neither will to deny nor wit to mistrust; faith now, by the way, when are women most apt?
GLISTER
Shall I unbutton myself unto you? After the receipt of a purgation, for then are their pores most open. But what creature of a courtier is it hath drawn your head into the woodcock’s noose?
LIPSALVE
A courtier? Nay, by this flesh, I am clean fallen out with them; they have nothing proportionable.
GLISTER
O, I perceive, then ’tis some city star that attracts your aspect.
>
LIPSALVE
[Aside] He knows by his art. — In plain terms, a certain pothecary’s wife.
GLISTER
Upon my life, Master Purge; I smell you, sir.
LIPSALVE
You may smell a man after a purgation indeed; sir, ’tis she. Now, for that fame hath bruited you to be a man expert in necromancy, I would [endear] myself to you for ever, would you vouchsafe to let one of your spirits bring Mistress Purge into some convenient place, where I might enjoy her. I have heard of the like; can you perform this?
GLISTER
With much facility, I assure you; but you must understand that the apparition of a spirit is dreadful, and withal covetous, and with no small sum of gold hired to such feats.
[Enter Vial.]
[VIAL]
Sir, here’s another gentleman, muffled too, that desires present conference with you.
GLISTER
Walk you into that room; I will bethink myself for your good, and instantly resolve you.
Exit Lipsalve.
Let the gentleman come in.
Exit Vial.
Lipsalve in love with my vessel of ease? Come to me to help him to a morsel most affected by mine own palate? No more but so. I have shaped it; the conceit tickles me.
Enter Gugdeon.
Sir, as a stranger I welcome you — what, Master Gudgeon, have I caught you? I thought it was a gallant that walked muffled. Come, let me behold you at full; here are no sergeants, man.
GUDGEON
Master Doctor, this my obscure coming requires an action more obscure; and, in brief, this ’tis. Sir, you are held a man far seen in nature’s secrets; I know you can effect many things almost impossible: know then, I love Mistress Purge, and opportunity favours me not, nor indeed is she so tractable as I expected, if either by medicine or your art magical you can work her to my will, I have a poor gallant’s reward, sir.
GLISTER
[Aside] That’s just nothing. — But how, sir, would you have me to procure you access to Mistress Purge? You never knew a physician a bawd.
GUDGEON
Why, by conjuration, I tell you, wherein you are said to be as well practised as in physic; here’s the best part of my present store to effect it.
GLISTER
Not a penny for myself; but my spirits, indeed they must be fed. Walk you by here, while I think upon a spell. [Aside] What mystery should this be? Lipsalve and Gudgeon both in love with Mistress Purge, and come to me to help ’em by art magic? ’Tis some gullery sure; yet if my invention hold, I’ll fit them. — Who’s within there?
Enter [Servant].
Fetch me in all haste two good whips; I think you may have them not far hence.
[Exit Servant.]
[Aside] It shall be so. — Now tell me, Master Gudgeon, does no man know of your love to Mistress Purge?
GUDGEON
Not a man, by my gentry.
GLISTER
Then, sir, know I’ll effect it; but understand withal the apparition will be most horrid if it appear in his proper form, and will so amaze and dull your senses, that your appetite will be lost and weak, though Mistress Purge should attend it naked. Now, sir, could you name a friend with whom you are most conversant, in his likeness should the spirit appear.
GUDGEON
Of all men living my conversation is most frequent with Lipsalve the courtier.
GLISTER
’Tis enough. I’ll to my spirit.
Enter [Servant] with whips.
Are these whips come there?
[SERVANT]
Ready here, sir.
GLISTER
[Taking the whips and setting one aside] So, lie thou there. [Aside] My noble gallants, I’ll so firk you. — Sir, my spirit agrees in Lipsalves shape. Tomorrow, ‘twixt the hours of four and five, shall Mistress Purge be rapt with a whirlwind into Lipsalve’s chamber: that’s the fittest place, for by the break of day Lipsalve shall be mounted and forsake the city for three days; so my spirit resolves me. Now, sir, by my art, at that very hour shall his chamber-door fly open; into which boldly enter in this sort accoutred: put me on a pure clean shirt, leave off your doublet (for spirits endure nothing polluted), take me this whip in your hand, [giving him a whip] and being entered you shall see the spirit in Lipsalve’s shape, in the self-same form that you appear; speak these words here ready written, [giving him a paper] take three bold steps forward, then whip him soundly, who straight vanisheth and leaves Mistress Purge to your will.
GUDGEON
Ay, but shall your spirit come armed with a whip too?
GLISTER
He shall, but have no power to strike.
GUDGEON
Is this infallible? Have you seen the proof?
GLISTER
Probatum, upon my word, I have seen the experience; if it fail, say I am a fool, and no magician.
GUDGEON
Master Doctor, I would you had some suit at court; by the faith of a courtier, I would beg it for you. Fare you well, sir; I shall report of you as I find your charm.
GLISTER
And no otherwise, sir; let me understand how you thrive.
Exit Gudgeon.
Ha, ha, ha! Now to my friend Lipsalve; I must possess him with the same circumstance, wherein I am assured to get perpetual laughter in their follies and my revenge.
Exit. Enter Maria over the trunk.
MARIA
O, which way shall I turn, or shift, or go,
To lose one thought of care? No soothing hope
Gives intermission, or beguiles one hour
Of tedious time, which never will have end,
Whilst love pursues in vain my absent friend.
Thou continent of wealth, whose want of store,
For that it could not peize th’ unequal scale
Of avarice, giv’st matter to my moan.
O dross, the level of insatiate eyes,
The devil’s engine and the soul’s corrupter,
Thou play’st th’ attorney ‘gainst the lawful force
Of true affection, dost interpose a bar
‘Twixt hearts conjoin’d: curs’d be thy seed of strife,
Whose progress chokes the natural course of life!
Gerardine rising out of the trunk, she seems fearful and flies.
MARIA
O, help, help, help!
GERARDINE
Stay, sweet Maria, I bring thee ample joy
To check that sudden fear; let thy sweet heart,
That constant seat of thy affection,
Repay that blood exhausted from thy veins.
Fear not, sweet wench; I am no apparition,
But the firm substance of thy truest friend:
Know’st thou me now?
MARIA
Gerardine my love?
What unheard-of accident presents
Thy unexpected self, and gives my heart
Matter of joy, mix’d with astonishment?
I thought thou hadst been cabin’d in thy ship,
Not trunk’d within my cruel guardian’s house.
GERARDINE
That cruelty gives fuel to desire,
For love suppress’d fares like a raging fire
Which burns all obstacles that stop his course,
And mounts aloft. The ocean in his source
May easier hide himself and be confin’d
Than love can be obscur’d; for in the mind
She holds her seat, and through that heavenly essence
Is near when far remote; her virtual presence
Fills, like the air, all places, gives delight,
Hope in despair, and heart ‘gainst fell despite.
That worst of men, thy cruel guardian, may
Keep down awhile, but cannot dissipate
What heaven hath join’d: for fate and providence
Gave me this stratagem, to let him know
That love will creep where ’tis restrain’d to go.
MARIA
I see thy travel happily was feign’d
To win access, which with small ease thou hast gain’d.
This trunk, which he so greedily supposes
Contains thy substance (as it doth indeed),
Upon thy fair pretence in lieu of love
Bequeath’d to me if death should stop the course,
This trunk, I say, he hugs; sink thou or swim,
So he may feed his wolf, that root of sin,
His avarice; but heaven, that mocks man’s might,
Gives this close means t’ insist upon our right.
GERARDINE
Ingenious spirit, true oracle of love,
Thou hast prevented me. This was my plot,
Whose end and scope I long to imitate
With accents free, and uncontroll’d with fear.
Does opportunity stand fair?
MARIA
Not now,
Danger stands sentinel.
GERARDINE
Then I’ll retire;
We must be cautelous.
MARIA
So, so; and time
Shall not oft turn his hour-glass ere I’ll find
Peace and occasion fitting to thy mind.
Exeunt.
Act III Scene 1.
MARIA’S ROOM.
Enter Gerardine and Maria.
GERARDINE
The coast is clear, and Argus’ wakeful eyes
Securely sleep: time turns to us his front.
Come sweet Maria, of th’ auspicious hours
Let’s take advantage.
MARIA
With all my heart;
I do embrace the motion with thyself.
Welcome sweet friend to liberty of air,
Which now, methinks, doth promp[t] our breaths to move
Sweet accents of delight, the joys of love.
How dost thou brook thy little-ease, thy trunk?
GERARDINE
That trunk confines this chest; this chest contains
Th’ unbounded speculation of our love
Incomprehensible: grief, joy, hope and fears,
Th’ affections of my mind, are like the spheres,
Which in their jarring motions do agree,
Through th’ influence of love’s sweet harmony.
MARIA
Are not inferior bodies here on earth
Produc’d and govern’d by those heavenly ones?
GERARDINE
They are.
MARIA
They jar, you say, yet in that strife maintain
Perpetual league: why should their influence
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 134