Enter Glister above.
GLISTER
[Aside] I have taken up this standing to see my gallants play at barriers with scourge-sticks, for the honour of my punk. And in good time I see my brave spirits shining in bright armour, nakedly burning in the hell-fire of lechery, and ready for the hot encounter. Sound trumpets, the combatants are mounted.
Enter Gudgeon [into the chamber].
GUDGEON
The apparition! Mistress Purge peers through him; I see her.
LIPSALVE
The spirit appears! But he might have come sooner: I am numbed with cold, a shivering ague hath taken away my courage.
GLISTER
[Aside] They are afraid one of another; look how they tremble; the flesh and the devil strengthen ’em! Ha, ha, ha!
GUDGEON
Has ‘a no cloven feet? What a laxative fever shakes me.
LIPSALVE
Will ‘a not carry me with him to hell? Well, I must venture: Clogmathos.
GUDGEON
My cue: Clogmathathos.
LIPSALVE
My cue: Garrazin.
GUDGEON
Garragas.
LIPSALVE
Garrazinos.
GUDGEON
Ton tetuphon.
LIPSALVE
Tes tetuphes.
BOTH
With a whirly twinos.
They lash one another.
Hold, hold, hold!
Gogs nowns, gogs blood!
A pox, a plague, the devil take you!
Truce, truce, I smart, I smart.
GLISTER
[Aside] Ha, ha, ha! O, for one of the hoops of my Cornelius’ tub!
I must needs be gone, I shall burst myself with laughing else.
Magic hath no such rule; men cannot find
Lust ever better handled in his kind.
Exit.
GUDGEON
What art thou? With the name of Jove I conjure thee!
LIPSALVE
With any name, saving the whip; I’ll no more of that conjuration, a plague on’t!
GUDGEON
Speak, art not a spirit in the likeness of my friend Lipsalve, that should transform thyself to Mistress Purge?
LIPSALVE
How, a spirit? I hope spirits have no flesh and blood; and I am sure thou hast drawn blood out of my flesh with the spirit of thy whip.
GUDGEON
Then shall we prove to be honest gulls, and the doctor an errant knave.
LIPSALVE
A plague upon him for a Glister! He has given our loves a suppositor with a recumbentibus. I’ll tell thee, sirrah —
GUDGEON
Tell not me, let me prevent thee; the wind shall not take the breath of our gross abuse; we feel the gullery. Therefore let us swear by our naked truths, and by the hilts of these our blades, our flesh-tamers, to be revenged upon that paraperopandentical doctor, that pocky doctor.
LlPSALVE
Agreed; we’ll cuckold him, that he shall not be able to put his head in at’s doors; and make his precise, puritanical and peculiar punk, his pothecary’s drug there, a known cockatrice to the world.
GUDGEON
If report catch this knavery, we have lost our reputations for ever; wherefore let’s be secret.
Ill tax we women of credulity,
When men are gull’d with such gross foppery.
LIPSALVE
Come, let us in and cover both our shames.
This conjuration to the world’s a novelty;
Gallants turn’d spirits and whipped for lechery.
Exeunt.
Act III Scene 4.
Maria’s room.
Enter Maria.
MARIA
Gerardine, come forth, Maria calls!
Enter Gerardine out of the trunk.
Those ribs shall not enfold thy buxom limbs
One minute longer: the cincture of mine arms
Shall more securely keep thy soul from harms.
GERARDINE
What heavenly breath of Phitonessa’s power,
That raised the dead corpse of her friend to life,
Prevails no less on me; for even this urn,
The figure of my sadder requiem,
Gives up my bones, my love, my life, and all,
To her that gives me freedom in my thrall.
MARIA
Be brief, sweet friend, salute and part in one;
For niggard time now threats with imminent danger
Our late joy’d scope. Thy earnest, then, of love,
Ere Sol have compass’d half the signs, I fear
Will show a blushing fault; but ’twas thine aim,
T’ enforce consent in him that bars thy claim.
GERARDINE
Love salves that fault; let time our guilt reveal,
I’ll ne’er deny my deed, my hand and seal.
The elements shall lose their ancient force,
Water and earth suppress the fire and air,
Nature in all use a preposterous course,
Each kind forget his likeness to repair,
Before I’ll falsify my faith to thee.
MARIA
The humorous body’s elemental kind
Shall sooner lose th’ innated heat of love,
The soul in nature’s bounds shall be confin’d,
Heaven’s course shall retrograde and leave to move,
Ere I surcease to cherish mutual fire,
With thoughts refin’d in flames of true desire.
GERARDINE
These words are odours in the sacred shrine
Of love’s best deity. The marriage-god
Longs to perform these ceremonious rites
Which terminate our hopes; till mine grow full,
I’ll use that intercourse amongst my friends
That erst I did. Then in the height of joy,
I’ll come to challenge interest in my boy.
Till then, farewell.
MARIA
You’ll come upon your cue?
GERARDINE
Doubt not of that.
MARIA
Then twenty times adieu.
Exeunt.
Act IV Scene 1.
A STREET BEFORE the meeting-house of the Family of Love.
Enter Lipsalve and Gudgeon, Shrimp and Periwinkle.
GUDGEON
Come boys, our clothes, boys; and what is the most current news, Periwinkle?
PERIWINKLE
Faith, sir, fortune hath favoured us with no news but what the pedlar brought from Norfolk.
LIPSALVE
Is there nothing stirring at court, Shrimp?
SHRIMP
Faith, there is, sir, but nothing new.
LIPSALVE
[To Gudgeon] Good wag, faith, thou smellest somewhat of a courtier, though thy mother was a citizen’s wife. Off with that filthy great band, nay, quick; on with your robe of sanctity, nay, suddenly, man.
[Lipsalve and Gudgeon don Puritanical robes.]
GUDGEON
And why must we shift ourselves into this demure habit, if impossible to be of the Family and keep our own fashion?
LIPSALVE
Tut, man, the name of a gallant is more hateful to them than the sight of a corner-cap. Hadst thou heard the protestations the wife of a bellows-mender made but yesternight against gallants, thou hadst for ever abjured crimson breeches. She swore that all gallants were persons inferior to bellows-menders, for the trade of bellows-making was very aerial and high; and what were men and women but bellows, for they take wind in at one place and do evaporate at another; evaporate was her very phrase.
GUDGEON
Methinks, her phrase flew with somewhat too strong a vapour.
LIPSALVE
Nay, she proves farther, that all men receive their being chiefly from bellows, without which the fire burns not; without fire the pot seethes not; the pot not seething, powdered beef is not to be eaten; of which she then averred our
nation was a great devourer, and without which they could neither fight for their country abroad, nor get children at home; for, said she, powdered beef is a great joiner of nerves together.
GUDGEON
What answer madest thou?
LIPSALVE
Marry, that I thought a bawd was a greater joiner of nerves together than powdered beef; with that she protested that a bawd was an instrument of the devil, and as she had proved that bellows-makers were of God’s trade, so bawds were of the devil’s trade: for (and thereupon she blew her nose) the devil and bawds did both live by the sins of the people.
Enter Club and Mistress Purge.
GUDGEON
No more; Mistress Purge is at hand.
LIPSALVE
Vanish boys, away. Make haste; before Jove, she’ll be with us ere we can be provided for her.
[Exeunt Shrimp and Periwinkle.] Lipsalve and Gudgeon retire.
MISTRESS PURGE
Advance your link, Club. At what time wert thou bound, Club? At Guttide, Hollantide or Candletide?
CLUB
I was bound indeed about midsummer.
MISTRESS PURGE
And when hath thy prenticeship end? At Michaeltide next?
CLUB
So I take it.
MISTRESS PURGE
They say, Club, you fall very heavy on such you love not; you never learnt that of me.
CLUB
Indeed, mistress, I must confess my falling is rustic, gross and butcher-like; marry, yours is a pretty, foolish, light, [courtlike] falling. Yet believe me, my master smells somewhat too gross of the purgation; he wants tutoring.
MISTRESS PURGE
And why, I pray?
CLUB
My master being set last night in his shop, comes Master Doctor Glister, as his manner is, squirting in suddenly; and after some conference, tells my master that by his own knowledge you were young with child; to which my master replied: “Why, Master Doctor, will you put me to more charges yet?”
MISTRESS PURGE
Thou art a fool, in that my husband spake as wisely as if the master of his company had spoke. He knows doctors have receipts for women, which makes them most apt to conceive; and he promising a’ had ministered the same lately to me, thereupon spake it. Lead on with your link.
LIPSALVE
[To Gudgeon] Art ready ?
GUDGEON
[To Lipsalve] Ready.
LIPSALVE
[To Gudgeon] Then speak pitifully, look scurvily, and dissemble cunningly, and we shall quickly prove two of the Fraternity. — Benediction and sanctity, love and charity fall on Mistress Purge, Sister of the Family.
MISTRESS PURGE
And what, I pray, be you two?
LIPSALVE
Two newly converted from the rags of Christianity to become good members in the house of the Family.
MISTRESS PURGE
Who, I pray, converted you?
[GUDGEON]
Master Dryfat the merchant.
MISTRESS PURGE
And from what sins hath he converted you?
LIPSALVE
From two very notorious crimes; the first was from eating fish on Fridays, and the second from speaking reverently of the clergy. But a’ resolved us your talent in edifying young men went far beyond his.
Enter Purge[, hiding himself].
MISTRESS PURGE
A talent I have therein, I must confess, nor am I very nice at fit times to show it; for your better instructions, therefore, you must never hereafter frequent taverns nor tap-houses, no masques nor mummeries, no pastimes nor playhouses.
GUDGEON
Must we have no recreation?
MISTRESS PURGE
Yes, on the days which profane lips call holydays, you may take your spaniel and spend some hours at the ducking-pond.
LIPSALVE
What are we bound unto during the time we remain in the Family?
MISTRESS PURGE
During the light of the candle you are to be very attentive; which being extinguished, how to behave yourselves I will deliver in private whisper.
PURGE
[Aside] ’Tis now come to a whisper. What young Familists be these? I’faith, I’ll make one; I’ll trip you, wife; I scent your footing, wife.
For [Galen] writes, Paracelsus can tell,
Pothecaries have brains and noses eke to smell.
LIPSALVE
We shall with much diligence observe it.
PURGE
[Aside] I fear I shall have small cause to thank that diligence; but do your worst:
He that hath read [five] herbals in one year
Can find a trick which shall prevent this gear.
They are going; follow, Purge, close, close and softly, like a horsekeeper in a lady’s matted chamber at midnight.
Mistress Purge knocks.
WITHIN
Who knocks?
MISTRESS PURGE
Brethren and a Sister in the Family.
WITHIN
Enter in peace.
Exeunt Gudgeon, Lipsalve and Mistress Purge [and Club].
PURGE
Brethren and a Sister; that’s the word. How beastly was I mistaken last day: I should have said “A Brother in the Family” and I said “A Familiar Brother”; for which I and my family were thrust out of doors. But as Titus Silus of Holborn Bridge most learnedly was wont to say, “Q.d.”
He knocks.
WITHIN
Who’s there?
PURGE
A Brother in the Family.
WITHIN
Enter, and welcome.
Exit Purge.
Act IV Scene 2.
A STREET.
Enter Gerardine disguised [as a porter].
GERARDINE
Thou sacred deity, Love!
Thou power predominate, more to be admir’d
Than able to be express’d, whose orb includes
All terrene joys which are, all states which be,
Pay to thy sacred throne, as tribute-fee,
Their thoughts and lives. Like Jove’s, so must thy acts
Endure no question; why, thy hidden facts
The gods themselves obey; heaven-synod holds
No gods but what thy awful power controls.
The Delphian archer proud with Python’s spoil,
At Cupid’s hand was forc’d to take the foil;
Nor Mars his warlike adamantine targe
Could free his warlike breast at Cupid’s charge;
And Jove, whose frown all mortal lives bereaves,
[His] marble throne and ivory sceptre leaves,
And in the likeness of a bull was seen,
As forc’d by him to bear the Tyrian queen
Through Neptune’s watery kingdom. If these submit,
My metamorphose is not held unfit.
And see, in most wished occasion, Dryfat the merchant presents himself. Sir, in the best of hours met; my thoughts had marked you out for a man most apt to do them the fairest of offices.
DRYFAT
What! Art thou a Welsh carrier or a northern landlord, th’ art so saucy?
GERARDINE
ls’t possible, sir, my disguise should so much fool your knowledge? How? A northern landlord? Can you think I get my living by a bell and a clack-dish?
DRYFAT
By a bell and a clack-dish? How’s that?
GERARDINE
Why, by begging, sir. Know you me now?
DRYFAT
Master Gerardine, disguised and ashore! Nay, then I smell a rat.
GERARDINE
Master Dryfat, shall I repose some trust in you? Will you lay by awhile your city’s precise humour? Will you not deceive me?
DRYFAT
If I deceive your trust, the general plague seize me; that is, may I die a cuckold.
GERARDINE
And I say thou shall die a true citizen, if thou conceal it. And thus in brief: it stands with thy knowledge how seriously I h
ave and do still affect Maria. Now, sir, I have so wrought it, that if thou couldst procure me a fellow that could serve instead of a crier, I myself would play Placket the paritor, and summon Doctor Glister and Maria to appear at thy house; and as [I play] the paritor, so wouldst thou but assume the shape of a proctor, I should have the wench, thou the credit, and the whole city occasion of discourse this nine days.
DRYFAT
How’s this, how’s this? I should procure a fellow to play the [crier] and I myself should play the proctor? But upon what occasion should they be summoned?
GERARDINE
Upon an accusation that Doctor Glister should get Maria his niece with child, and have bastards in the country, which I have a trick to make probable.
DRYFAT
And now I recall it to memory, I heard somewhat to that effect last night in Master Beardbush the barber’s shop; but how will this sort? Who shall accuse him?
GERARDINE
Refer that to me, I say, be that my care; all shall end in merriment, and no disgrace touch either of their reputations.
DRYFAT
Then take both word and hand, ’tis done; Club, Mistress Purge’s prentice, shall be the [crier].
GERARDINE
O my most precious Dryfat, may none of thy daughters prove vessels with foul bungholes, or none of thy sons hogsheads, but all true and honourable Dryfats like thyself.
DRYFAT
Well, Master Gerardine, I hope to see you a Familist before I die.
GERARDINE
That’s most likely, for I hold most of their principles already. I never rail nor calumniate any man but in love and charity; I never cozen any man for any ill will I bear him, but in love and charity to myself; I never make my neighbour a cuckold for any hate or malice I bear him, but in love and charity to his wife.
DRYFAT
And may those principles fructify in your weak members. I’ll be gone, and with most quick dexterity provide you a crier. Tomorrow at my house, said you, they should appear?
GERARDINE
Be that the time, most honoured Dryfat; but be this known to none, most loved sir, save Club, or to some other whom your judgment shall select as a fit person for our project.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 136