DRYFAT
Thus enough; time out of sight.
Exit.
GERARDINE
Maria, thou art mine.
Earth’s [perfection] and nature’s glory:
Woman; of what an excellency, if
Her thoughts and acts were squared and levelled
With the first celsitude of her creation!
T’ enjoy a creature, whose dishevell’d locks,
Like gems against the repercussive sun,
Gives light and splendour; whose star-like eyes
Attract more [gazers’] loves to see there a move
Then the Tartarians’ god, when Egeon’s hill
‘A mounts in triumph; a skin more pure and soft
Than is the silk-worm[‘s] bed; tooth more white
Than new-fall’n snow or shining ivory,
Is happiness sought by the gods themselves.
Celestial Venus, born without a mother,
Be thou propitious; thee [do] I implore,
Not vulgar Venus, heaven’s scorn and Mars his whore.
Exit.
Act IV Scene 3.
A ROOM IN Glister’s house.
Enter Mistress Glister and Maria.
MARIA
Good aunt, quiet yourself; ground not upon dreams, you know they are ever contrary.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Minion, minion, coin no excuses; I grant dreams are deceitful, but a true judgment grounded upon knowledge never fails. What? Have not I observed the rising and falling of the blood, the coming and going of the countenance, your qualms, your unlacings, your longings? Most evident tokens. Besides, a more certain sign than all these, too; you know’t, I need not speak it; nay, l am as skilful in that point as my husband. I can tell you, Aristotle speaks English enough to tell me these secrets. Body of me, so narrowly looked to, and yet fly out! Well, I see maids will ha’t in spite of laws or locks that restrain ’em; they will open, do men what they can.
MARIA
I see my fault appears; simplicity
Hath no evasion. ’Tis bootless to deny
Where guilty blood, cited by touch of shame,
Runs through my veins, and leaves my conscience’ stain
Even in my face. Forbear, I do beseech you,
To publish my defame; what I have done
You shall not answer; I must bear mine own.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Bear your own? Ay, marry, there it goes;
What must you bear?
MARIA
My sins, forsooth.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Your sins, forsooth? Confess to me, and go not about the bush; you have been doing, that’s flat; you have caught a clap, that’s round; and answer me roundly to the point, or else I’ll square. Come, whose act is’t? I cannot devise unless it be my husband’s, for none else had access to thee; I am sure time has turned his bald side to thee, and I do but wonder how thou tookest opportunity. Speak, tell me.
MARIA
Now, good aunt, press me not; let time reveal
What you suspect; for never shall my tongue
Confess an act that tends unto my wrong.
Enter Gerardine like a porter.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Will you not bolt? I must ha’t out on you, and will.
GERARDINE
By your leave, mistress —
MISTRESS GLISTER
Passion of my heart, what art thou?
GERARDINE
No ghost forsooth, though I appear in white.
MISTRESS GLISTER
No, but a saucy knave I perceive by your manners.
GERARDINE
None of that livery neither. I am of the bearing trade forsooth; you may see by my smock-frock, I would say. I am, if it please you, of the spick and span new-set-up company of porters. Here’s my breastplate; and besides our own arms we have the arms of the city to help us in our burdens; ecce signum: here’s the cross and the sword of justice in good pewter, I can tell you, which goes as current with us as better metal.
MISTRESS GLISTER
What’s your name, sir?
GERARDINE
Nicholas Nebulo. There’s but a straw’s-breadth between that and the arms; ’tis in the backside of the cross here, and well known in the city for an ancient name and an honest, an’t like your worship.
MARIA
You are none of the twelve, are you?
GERARDINE
No forsooth, but one of the twenty-four —
MISTRESS GLISTER
Orders of knaves; I thought so. Sirrah, you’re a rascal, to come thus bluntly into my house with your dirty startups; get you without doors, like a filthy fellow as you are; a place more fit for you.
GERARDINE
O, good words, mistress. I may be warden of my company for aught you know, and for my bluntness we have a clause in our charter to warrant that; for as we bear, so likewise we may be borne with, and have free egress and regress where our business lies.
MISTRESS GLISTER
And what’s your business here?
GERARDINE
I have a letter, an’t please you, to Master Doctor.
MISTRESS GLISTER
From whence?
GERARDINE
That I cannot show your worship; but I had it of Curtal the carrier, whose lawful deputy I am.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Leave your scraping, sirrah. Fie, how rank the knave smells of grease and taps-droppings.
Gerardine coughs and spits.
What, are you rheumatic too, with a vengeance!
GERARDINE
Yes indeed, mistress; though I be but a poor man, I have a spice of the gentleman in me; Master Doctor could smell it quickly, because he’s a gentleman himself. I must to the diet, and that is tobacco at the ale-house; I use n’other physic for it.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Did ever such a peasant defile my floor, or breathe so near me? I’faith, sirrah, you would be bummed for your roguery, if you were well served.
GERARDINE
I am bummed well enough already, mistress; look here else. Sir-reverence in your worship, Master Doctor’s lips are not made of better stuff.
MISTRESS GLISTER
What an impudent rogue is this. Sirrah, be gone I say; I would be rid o’ you.
GERARDINE
Be rid o’ me? I shall gallop then. You mistake me, forsooth; I am a foot post, I do not use to ride.
MISTRESS GLISTER
I think the rascal be humorous or drunk. Well, I will read the letter and send him packing, or else he will spew or do worse before me. Fie on him, I think he will infect me with some filthy disease.
GERARDINE
[Aside] Or else I lose mine aim.
MISTRESS GLISTER
[Takes the letter and reads it] What’s here? “Your poor nurse, Thomasine [Tweedles]?” For my life, now shall I find out my husband’s knavery I have so long suspected.
GERARDINE
[Aside] She begins to nibble; ‘twill take, i’faith. — Mistress,
I see some discontentment in your looks;
Care ill befits so delicate a spirit.
Be frolic, wench, for he that is so near thee
Has been much nearer.
MARIA
That accent sounds sweet music; ’tis my love.
That tongue breathes life into my lifeless spirits:
[Aside to Gerardine] Gerardine? O rapture! Why thus disguis’d?
GERARDINE
[Aside to Maria] No more, be mute. Thus must I vary forms
To bring our cares to end; her jealousy
Ensues this drift, which, if it take true scope,
Love’s joy comes next; be fearless in that hope.
MISTRESS GLISTER
’Tis so. Rats-bane! I ha’t; it racks on, it torments me! Here ’tis: “Woe worth the time that ever I gave suck to a child that came in at the window, God knows how.” Villainous lecher! “Yet if you did but see how li
ke the little red-headed knave is to his father.” Damnable doctor! A bastard in the country, and another towards here. I am out of doubt this is his work. [To Maria] You are an arrant strumpet! Incest, fornication, abomination in my own house! Intolerable! O, for long nails to scratch out his eyes!
GERARDINE
Or the breeches, to fight with him.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Out of my sight, quean; thou shalt to Bridewell! O, I shall be mad with rage!
GERARDINE
Then you shall go to Bedlam.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Hence, you slave.
GERARDINE
I must have a penny; you must pay me for my pains.
MISTRESS GLISTER
The devil pay thee.
GERARDINE
O, that’s the doctor; but he wants his horns.
MISTRESS GLISTER
But I’ll furnish him ere long, if I live.
GERARDINE
[Aside to Maria] It works as I would wish. Farewell Maria;
This storm once past, fair weather ever after.
Exit.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Was ever woman so moved? But you shall be talked withal; and for mine old fornicator, he shall ha’t as hot as coals, i’faith. Here’s stuff indeed! Come, minx, come; there’s law for you both. Have I found your knavery? If I wink at this, let me be stone blind, or stoned to death; bear this, and bear all!
Exit with Maria.
Act IV Scene 4.
A STREET.
Enter Lipsalve and Gudgeon, [Shrimp and Periwinkle].
LIPSALVE
Our hopes are cross’d; sure there’s some providence
Which countermands libidinous appetites,
For what we most intend is counter-check’d
By strange and unexpected accidents.
For by disguise procuring full access,
Nay, ready to have [seiz’d] th’ expected prize,
The candle out, steps ‘twix my hopes and me
Some pleasant groin, possess’d and full enjoy’d
That sweet for which our vigilant eyes have watch’d,
And in one moment frustrates all our hopes.
GUDGEON
Upon my life, we are bewitched: the greasy rascal that first seized Mistress Purge, by the last reflection of the light, appeared to my sight not much unlike her husband.
LIPSALVE
The court’s gall, the city’s plague, and Europa’s sea-form be his perpetual crest, whate’er ‘a was. To lose Mistress Purge for lack of dexterity, is a disgrace insalveable. The like opportunity will never present itself.
GUDGEON
’Twas an egregious grief, I must confess, to see a knave slip betwixt us both and take occasion by the foretop; but since these projects have had so star-cross events, let’s lay some plot how to revenge our late disgrace on the doctor by making him cuckold.
LIPSALVE
Agreed; but what melancholy sir with acrostic arms now comes from the Family?
Enter Purge.
GUDGEON
Purge the pothecary; I prithee, let’s step aside and hear the issue of this discontent.
[They retire with the two pages.]
PURGE
O, the misery of married men’s estate!
LIPSALVE
[Aside] ‘A begins very pitifully.
PURGE
O women, what are many of you?
LIPSALVE
[Aside] Why, disease to bachelors, and plagues to married men.
PURGE
O marriage, the rage of all our miseries! My wife is a dissembling strumpet.
GUDGEON
[Aside] So is many a man’s besides yours; and what of that?
PURGE
I would have a law that all such which pray little should instantly be married; for then would they pray continually, if it were but to be rid of their wives.
LIPSALVE
[Aside] This is a charitable request and surely would pass the Lower House.
PURGE
Surely if affliction can bring a man to heaven, I cannot see how any married man can be damned; I have made myself a plain cuckold.
[GUDGEON]
[Aside] A pile on ye, want you? Had you not been so manable, here are some would have saved you that labour.
PURGE
What shall I do in this extremity? Had I but witness of the fact, I would make her answer it before authority. This is my wedding ring; ’tis it, I know it by the posy. This I took from her finger in the dark, and she was therewith very well pleased; were not this, trow, a sufficient testimony? She knows not that it was myself got so near her; I will take counsel. Well, little know bachelors the miseries they undergo when they prostrate themselves to women.
LIPSALVE
[Coming forward with Gudgeon] O most true, Master Purge: little knows a man what elements ‘a is to pass, when ‘a puts his head under a woman’s girdle. Your passion, Master Purge, is overheard, and, plain tale to tell, we were eye-witnesses of your wife’s treachery, and if need be will be ready to depose as much.
PURGE
What, Master Lipsalve and Master Gudgeon, are you disguised testimonies?
Nay then, revenge look big! Elf and fairy
Help to revenge the wronged pothecary!
GUDGEON
Why, now ‘a speaks like himself; get me a paritor for her straight.
LIPSALVE
Conceal the ring, my little Purge; let not thy wife know thou hast it, until she comes to her trial.
Enter Dryfat, and Gerardine [disguised as an apparitor].
PURGE
Your advices are very pithy; therefore in private let me disclose my intent.
GUDGEON
Off, boys.
[Purge, Lipsalve and Gudgeon retire.]
SHRIMP
What dost thou think of thy master? Is ‘a not a rare gull?
PERIWINKLE
I think ‘a will swallow and pocket more disgraces than large-conscienced lawyer fees in a Michaelmas term. Thy master, my honest [Shrimp], comes not much short of a fool too, but that ‘a is a courtier.
SHRIMP
Draw somewhat near, and overhear their conference.
[Shrimp and Periwinkle retire.]
GERARDINE
This shape of the crier must Club tomorrow assume. Are you fitted for Poppin the proctor?
DRYFAT
Excellent, and have spent some study in the mystical cases of venery. I can describe how often a man may lie with another man’s wife before ‘a come to the white sheet —
GERARDINE
How long is that?
DRYFAT
Why, till ‘a be taken tardy; — how long all women-kind may by the statute profess and swear they are maids.
GERARDINE
And how long is that?
DRYFAT
Why, till their bellies be so big, that it cannot be no longer concealed; but come forward towards Glister’s.
LIPSALVE
It must be so. Let the summer tickle her; you shall bring in these allegations and let us alone to swear them. Who’s this? Master Dryfat? Opportunely met, sir; and whether so fast? The news, the news?
DRYFAT
Faith, gentlemen, I think to relate for news what I hear of Doctor Glister would come stale to your hearings.
LIPSALVE
O, the getting of his niece with child; tut, that’s apparently known to all the company. But, in the name of Jupiter, what art thou? Or from whence camest thou?
GERARDINE
Why, sir, I come from compassing the corners of the land.
GUDGEON
Of what trade, in the name of Pluto?
GERARDINE
Of the devil’s trade; for I live as he does, by the sins of the people. In brief, sir, I am Placket the paritor.
LIPSALVE
As the devil would! We have, my noble paritor, instant employment for thee; a grey groat is to be purchased without sneaking, my lit
tle sumner; where’s thy quorum nomina, my honest Placket?
GERARDINE
Sir, according to the old ballad,
“My quorum nomina ready, have I,
With my pen and inkhorn hanging by.”
Her name, sir, her name?
GUDGEON
Is’t no more but so?
PURGE
I have most right to her name. Her name, Master Placket, is my wife, Mistress Purge, sir. To what place dost thou belong?
GERARDINE
To the commissioners which sit tomorrow at Master Dryfat’s upon the crimes of Doctor Glister and others.
LIPSALVE
Sits there a commission, Dryfat? Now for the love of lechery, let’s have Mistress Purge summoned thither.
GERARDINE
She makes my quorum nomina reasonable full. My grant, sir, and she shall appear there upon a crime of concupiscence: is not that your meaning?
PURGE
Yes, my honest paritor; here’s thy fee. [Gives him money.]
Enter Club and Mistress Purge.
GUDGEON
And see how happily it succeeds: Mistress Purge is new come from the Family. Let us step aside whilst Placket the paritor gives her a summons.
LIPSALVE
Content. To her, Placket, but see for the bribery of twelvepence you strike her not out of your quorum nomina.
GERARDINE
Fear not, sir.
MISTRESS PURGE
Forward apace, Club.
GERARDINE
Your name I take to be Mistress Purge, fair gentlewoman?
MISTRESS PURGE
I am Mistress Purge, Purge’s wife the pothecary; what of that?
DRYFAT
[Aside] Now you shall see him tickle her with a quorum nomina.
GERARDINE
I cite you by virtue of my quorum nomina to make your personal appearance by eight of the clock in the morrow morning, before certain commissioners at Master Dryfat’s house, to answer to an accusation of a crime of concupiscence.
MISTRESS PURGE
To answer a crime of concupiscence? What’s that, I pray?
GERARDINE
Why, ’tis to answer a venereal crime, for having carnal copulation with other besides your husband.
MISTRESS PURGE
What are you, I pray?
GERARDINE
By name Placket, by trade a paritor.
MISTRESS PURGE
And must I answer, say you, to a venereal crime? I tell thee, Placket the paritor, I am able to answer thee or any man else in any venereal crime they’ll put me to; and so tell your commissioners.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 137