MONOPOLY
Well, sing over her ditty when I’m in tune.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Nay, but will you send her a box of mithridatum and dragon water — I mean some restorative words. Good Master Monopoly, you know who welcome y’are to the city, and will you, Master Monopoly, keep out of the city. I know you cannot, would you saw how the poor gentlewoman lies.
MONOPOLY
Why, how lies she?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Troth, as the way lies over Gads-hill, very dangerous. You would pity a woman’s case if you saw her. Write to her some treatise of pacification.
MONOPOLY
I’ll write to her tomorrow.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Tomorrow? She’ll not sleep then but tumble, and if she might have it tonight, it would better please her.
MONOPOLY
Perhaps I’ll do’t tonight. Farewell.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
If you do’t tonight, it would better please her than tomorrow.
MONOPOLY
God so, dost hear? I’m to sup tonight at the Lion in Shoreditch with certain gallants. Canst thou not draw forth some delicate face that I ha’ not seen, and bring it thither, wut thou?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
All the painters in London shall not fit for colour as I can. But we shall have some swaggering?
MONOPOLY
All as civil, by this light, as lawyers.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
But I tell you, she’s not so common as lawyers that mean to betray to your table; for as I’m a sinner, she’s a knight’s cousin, a Yorkshire gentlewoman, and only speaks a little broad, but of very good carriage.
MONOPOLY
Nay, that’s no matter. We can speak as broad as she. But wut bring her?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
You shall call her cousin, do you see? Two men shall wait upon her, and I’ll come in by chance. But shall not the party be there?
MONOPOLY
Which party?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
The writer of that simple hand.
MONOPOLY
Not for as many angels as there be letters in her paper. Speak not of me to her, nor our meeting, if you love me. Wut come?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Mum. I’ll come.
MONOPOLY
Farewell.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Good Master Monopoly, I hope to see you one day a man of great credit.
MONOPOLY
If I be, I’ll build chimneys with tobacco, but I’ll smoke some, and be sure, Birdlime, I’ll stick wool upon thy back.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Thanks, sir. I know you will, for all the kindred of the Monopolies are held to be great fleecers. [Exeunt.
Act Two, Scene Three
ENTER SIR GOSLIN, LINSTOCK, WHIRLPOOL, and the Three Citizens’ Wives masked; JUDITH HONEYSUCKLE, MABEL WAFER, and CLARE TENTERHOOK.
SIR GOSLIN
So, draw those curtains, and let’s see the pictures under ’em.
LINSTOCK
Welcome to the Stilliard, fair ladies.
ALL THREE
Thanks, good master Linstock.
WHIRLPOOL
Hans! Some wine, Hans!
Enter HANS with cloth and buns.
HANS
Yaw, yaw, you sall hebben it mester. Old vine or new vine?
SIR GOSLIN
Speak, women.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
New wine, good Sir Goslin. Wine in the must, good Dutchman, for must is best for us women.
HANS
New vine? Vell, two pots of new vine. [Exit.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
An honest butterbox, for if it be old, there’s none of it comes into my belly.
MISTRESS WAFER
Why, Tenterhook, pray thee, let’s dance friskin, and be merry.
LINSTOCK
Thou art so troubled with Monopolies, they so hand at thy heart-strings.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Pox a’ my heart then!
Enter HANS with wine.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Ay, and mine too, if any courtier of them all set up his gallows there; wench, use him as thou dost thy pantables. Scorn to let him kiss thy heel, for he feeds thee with nothing but court holy bread, good words, and cares not for thee. Sir Goslin, will you taste a Dutch what’s-you-call-’em?
MISTRESS WAFER
Here, Master Linstock, half mine is yours. Bun, bun, bun, bun.
Enter JUSTINIANO as Parenthesis.
JUSTINIANO
Which room? Where are they? Wo ho, ho, ho, so, ho, boys!
SIR GOSLIN
S’foot, who’s that? Lock our room.
JUSTINIANO
Not till I am in, and then lock out the devil though he come in the shape of a puritan.
ALL THREE
Schoolmaster, welcome! Welcome, in troth.
JUSTINIANO
Who would not e scretch’d with the briars and brambles to have such burs sticking on his breeches? Save you, gentlemen. Oh, noble knight!
SIR GOSLIN
More wine, Hans.
JUSTINIANO
Am I not, gentlemen, a ferret of the right hair, that can make three conies bold at a clap into your pursenets? Ha? Little do their three husbands dream what copies I am setting the wives now? Wert not a rare jest if they should come sneaking upon us like a horrible noise of fiddlers?
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Troth, I’d not care. Let ’em come. I’d tell ’em, we’d ha’ none of their dull music.
MISTRESS WAFER
Here, Mistress Tenterhook.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Thanks, good Mistress Wafer.
JUSTINIANO
Who’s there? Peepers, intelligencers, eavesdroppers!
OMNES
‘Ods food, throw a pot at’s head.
JUSTINIANO
Oh lord! Oh, gentlemen, knights, ladies, that may be, citizens’ wives that are, shift for yourselves, for a pair of your husband’s heads are knocking together with Hans his, and enquiring for you.
OMNES
Keep the door lock’d.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Oh, I do, do; and let Sir Goslin — because he has been in the low countries — swear Got’s sacrament, and drive ’em away with broken Dutch.
JUSTINIANO
Here’s a wench has simple sparks in her. She’s my pupil, gallants. Good God! I see a man is not sure that his wife is in the chamber, though his own fingers hung on the padlock. Trapdoors, false drabs, and spring-locks may cozen a covey of constables. How the silly husbands might here ha’ been gull’d with Flemish money. Come, drink up Rhine, Thames, and meander dry; there’s nobody.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Ah, thou ungodly master!
JUSTINIANO
I did but make a false fire, to try your valour, because you cried let ’em come. By this glass of woman’s wine, I would not ha’ seen their spirits walk here, to be dub’d deputy of a ward, I. They would ha’ chronicled me for a fox in a lamb’s skin. But come, is this merry midsummer night agreed upon? When shall it be? Where shall it be?
LINSTOCK
Why, faity, tomorrow at night.
WHIRLPOOL
We’ll take a coach and ride to Ham, or so.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Oh, fie upon’t! A coach? I cannot abide to be jolted.
MISTRESS WAFER
Yet most of your citizens’ wives love jolting.
SIR GOSLIN
What say you to Blackwell or Lime-house?
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Every room there smells too much of tar.
LINSTOCK
Let’s to mine host Dogbolts at Brainford then. There you are out of eyes, out of ears, private rooms, sweet linen, winking attendance, and what cheer you will.
OMNES
Content. To Brainford.
MISTRESS WAF
ER
Ay, ay, let’s go by water, for, Sir Goslin, I have heard you say you love to go by water.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
But, wenches, with what pulleys shall we slide with some cleanly excuse, out of our husbands’ suspicion, being gone westward for smelts all night?
JUSTINIANO
That’s the block now we all stumble at. Wind up that string well, and all the consorts in tune.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Why, then good man scraper, ’tis wound up. I have it. Sirrah Wafer, thy child’s at nurse. If you that are the men could provide some wise ass that could keep his countenance —
JUSTINIANO
Nay, if he be an ass he will keep his countenance.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Ay, but I mean, one that could set out his tale with audacity, and say that the child were sick, and ne’er stagger at it. That last should serve all our feet.
WHIRLPOOL
But where will that wise ass be found now?
JUSTINIANO
I see I’m born still to draw dun out a’th’mire for you. That wise beast will I be. I’ll be that ass that shall groan under the burden of that abominable lie. Heaven pardon me, and pray God the infant be not punish’d for’t. Let me see. I’ll break out in some filthy shape like a thrasher, or a thatcher, or a sowgelder, or something, and speak dreamingly, and swear how the child pukes and eats nothing — as perhaps it does not — and lies at the mercy of God — as all children and old-folks do — and then scholar Wafer, play you your part.
MISTRESS WAFER
Fear not me, for a veny or two.
JUSTINIANO
Where will you meet i’th’morning?
SIR GOSLIN
At some tavern near the waterside that’s private.
JUSTINIANO
The Greyhound, the Greyhound in Blackfriars. An excellent rendezvous.
LINSTOCK
Content. The Greyhound by eight?
JUSTINIANO
And then you may whip forth two first, and two next, on a sudden, and take oat at Bridewell dock most privately.
OMNES
Be’t so. A good place?
JUSTINIANO
I’ll go make ready my rustical properties. Let me see, scholar, hie you home, for your child shall be sick within this half hour. [Exit.
Enter MISTRESS BIRDLIME.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
’Tis the uprightest dealing man! God’s my pity, who’s yonder?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
I’m bold to press myself under the colours of your company, hearing that gentlewoman was in the room. A word, mistress?
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
How now? What says she? [Talks apart with MISTRESS BIRDLIME.
SIR GOSLIN
Zounds, what’s she? A bawd, bi’th’lord, is’t not?
MISTRESS WAFER
No, indeed, Sir Goslin. She’s a very honest woman, and a midwife.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
At the Lion in Shoreditch? And would he not read it, nor write to me? I’ll poison his supper.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
But no words that I bewrayed him.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Gentlemen, I must be gone. I cannot stay in faith, pardon me. I’ll meet tomorrow. Come, nurse. Cannot tarry, by this element.
SIR GOSLIN
Mother, you, grannam, drink ere you go.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
I am going to a woman’s labour, indeed, sir. Cannot stay.
[Exeunt MISTRESS TENTERHOOK and MISTRESS BIRDLIME.
MISTRESS WAFER
I hold my life the black-beard her husband whistles for her.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
A reckoning. Break one, break all.
SIR GOSLIN
Here, Hans, draw not. I’ll draw for all, as I’m true knight.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Let him. Amongst women, this does stand for law,
The worthiest man, though he be fool, must draw.[Exeunt.
Act Three, Scene One
ENTER TENTERHOOK AND MISTRESS TENTERHOOK.
TENTERHOOK
What book is that, sweetheart?
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Why, the book of bonds that are due to you.
TENTERHOOK
Come, what do you with it? Why do you trouble yourself to take care about my business?
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Why, sir, doth not that which concerns you concern me? You told me Monopoly had discharged his bond; I find by the book of accounts here, that it is not cancell’d. Ere I would suffer such a cheating companion to laugh at me, I’d see him hanged, I. Good sweetheart, as ever you loved me, as ever my bed was pleasing to you, arrest the knave. We were never beholding to him for a pin, but for eating up our victuals. Good mouse, enter an action against him.
TENTERHOOK
In troth, love, I may do the gentleman much discredit, and besides, it may be other actions may fall very heavy upon him.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Hang him! To see the dishonesty of the knave!
TENTERHOOK
Oh, wife, good words. A courtier; a gentleman.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Why, may not a gentleman be a knave? That were strange in faith; but as I was a-saying, to see the dishonesty of him that would never come since he received the money to visit us, you know. Master Tenterhook, he hath hunt long upon you. Master Tenterhook, as I am virtuous, you shall arrest him.
TENTERHOOK
Why, I know not when he will come to town.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
He’s in town. This night he sups at the Lion in Shoreditch. Good husband, enter your action, and make haste to the Lion presently. There’s an honest fellow, Sergeant Ambush, will do it in a trice. He never salutes a man in courtesy, but he catches him as if he would arrest him. Good heart, let Sergeant Ambush lie in wait for him.
TENTERHOOK
Well, at thy entreaty, I will do it. [Call to Servant within.] Give me my cloak there. Buy a link and meet me at the Counter in Wood Street. [To MISTRESS TENTERHOOK.] Buss me, Clare.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Why, now you love me! I’ll go to bed, sweetheart.
TENTERHOOK
Do not sleep till I come, Clare. [Exit.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
No, lamb. Baa sheep! If a woman will be free in this intricate labyrinth of a husband, let her marry a man of a melancholy complexion. She shall not be much troubled with him. By my sooth, my husband hath a hand as dry as his brains, and a breath as strong as six common gardens. Well, my husband is gone to arrest Monopoly. I have dealt with a sergeant privately to entreat him, pretending that he is my aunt’s son. By this means shall I see my young gallant that in this has play’d his part. When they owe money in the city once, they deal with their lawyers by attorney, follow the court though the court to them not the grace to allow them their diet. Oh, the wit of a woman when she is put to the pinch! [Exit.
Act Three, Scene Two
ENTER TENTERHOOK, SERGEANT AMBUSH, and YEOMAN CLUTCH.
TENTERHOOK
Come, Sergeant Ambush, come Yeoman Clutch; yon’s the tavern. The gentleman will come out presently. Thou art resolute?
AMBUSH
Who I? I carry fire and sword that fight for me, here and here. I know most of the knaves about London, and most of the thieves too, I thank God and good intelligence.
TENTERHOOK
I wonder thou dost not turn broker then.
AMBUSH
Pew! I have been a broker already, for I was first a puritan, then a banquerout, then a broker, then a fencer, and then sergeant. Were not these trades would make a man honest? Peace, the door opes. Wheel about, Yeoman Clutch.
Enter WHIRLPOOL, LINSTOCK, and MONOPOLY unbraced.
MONOPOLY
And ere I come to sup in this tavern again! There’s no more attendance than in a jail! And there had been a punk or two in the company the
n we should not have been rid of the drawers; now were I in an excellent humour to go to a vaulting house. I would break down all their glass windows, hew in pieces all there join stools, tear silk petticoats, ruffle their periwigs, and spoil their painting. Oh the gods, what I could do! I could undergo fifteen bawds by their darkness, or if I could meet one of these varlets that wear Pannier-alley on their back — sergeants — I would make them scud so fast from me that they should think it a shorter way between this and Ludgate than a condemned cutpurse thinks it between Newgate and Tyburn.
LINSTOCK
You are for no action tonight.
WHIRLPOOL
No, I’ll to bed.
MONOPOLY
Am not I druink now? Implentur veteris bacchi, pinguisque Tobacco.
WHIRLPOOL
Faith, we are all heated.
MONOPOLY
Captain Whirlpool, when wilt come to court and dine with me?
WHIRLPOOL
One of these days, Frank, but I’ll get me two gauntlets for fear I lose my fingers in the dishes; there be excellent shavers, I hear, in the most of your under offices. I protest I have often come thither, sat down, drawn my knife, and ere I could say grace all the meat hath been gone. I have risen, and departed thence as hungry, as ever came country attorney from Westminster. Good night, honest Frank, do not swagger with the watch, Frank. [Exeunt WHIRLPOOL and LINSTOCK.
TENTERHOOK
So now they are gone, you make take him.
AMBUSH
Sir, I arrest you.
MONOPOLY
Arrest me? At whose suit, you varlets?
CLUTCH
At Master Tenterhook’s.
MONOPOLY
Why, you varlets, dare you arrest one of the court?
AMBUSH
Come, will you be quiet, sir?
MONOPOLY
Pray thee, good yeoman, call the gentlemen back again. There’s a gentleman hath carried a hundred pound of mine home with him to his lodging, because Id are not carry it over the fields. I’ll discharge it presently.
AMBUSH
Thats a trick, sir. You would procure a rescue.
MONOPOLY
Catchpole, do you see, I will have the hair of your head and beard shaved off for this, and ere I catch you at Gray’s Inn, by this light law.
AMBUSH
Come, will you march?
MONOPOLY
Are you sergeants Christians? Sirrah, thou lookest like a good pitiful rascal, and thou art a tall man too it seems; Thou hast back’d many a man in thy time, I warrant.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 151