AMBUSH
I have had many a man by the back, sir.
MONOPOLY
Well said, in troth. I love your quality. ‘Las, ’tis needful every man should come by his own. But as God mend me, gentlemen, I have not one cross about me, only you two. Might not you let a gentleman pass out of your hands, and say you saw him not? Is there not such a kind of mercy in you now and then, my masters, as I live, if you come to my lodging tomorrow morning, I’ll give you five brace of angels. Good yeomen, persuade your graduate here. I know some of you to be honest faithful drunkards; respect a poor gentleman in my case.
TENTERHOOK
Come, it will not serve your turn. Officers, look to him upon your peril.
MONOPOLY
Do you hear, sir, you see I am in the hands of a couple of ravens here. As you are a gentleman, lend me forty shillings. Let me not live if I do not pay you the forfeiture of the whole bond, and never plead conscience.
TENTERHOOK
Not a penny, not a penny. God night, sir. [Exit.
MONOPOLY
Well, a man ought not to swear by anything in the hands of sergeants, but by silver, and because my pocket is no lawful justice to minister any such oath unto me, I will presently encounter the counter. Which is the dearest wad in prison, sergeant. The knight’s ward?
AMBUSH
No, sir, the master’s side.
MONOPOLY
Well, the knight is above the master though his table be worse furnish’d. I’ll go thither.
AMBUSH
Come, sir, I must use you kindly. The gentleman’s wife that hath arrested you —
MONOPOLY
Ay, what of her?
AMBUSH
She says you are her aunt’s son.
MONOPOLY
Ay, I am.
AMBUSH
She takes on to pitifully for your arresting, ’twas much against her will — good gentlemwoman — that this affliction lighted upon you.
MONOPOLY
She hath reason, if she respect her poor kindred.
AMBUSH
You shall not go to prison.
MONOPOLY
Honest sergeant, conscionable officer, did I forget myself even now, a vice that sticks to me always when I am drunk to abuse my best friends. Where didst buy this buff? Let me not live but I’ll give thee a good suit of durance. Wilt thou take my bond, sergeant? Where’s a scrivener, a scrivener, good yeoman? You shall have my sword and hangers to pay him.
AMBUSH
Not so, sir, but you shall be prisoner in my house. I do not think but that your cousin will visit you there i’th’morning, and take order for you.
MONOPOLY
Well said. Wast not a most treacherous part to arrest a man in the night, and when he is almost drunk, when he hath not his wits about him to remember which of his friends is in the subsidy? Come, did I abuse you? I recant. You are as necessary in a city as tumblers in Norfolk, sumners in Lancashire, or rake-hells in an army. [Exeunt.
Act Three, Scene Three
ENTER JUSTINIANO AS Parenthesis, like a collier, and a Boy.
JUSTINIANO
Buy any small coal, buy any small coal.
BOY
Collier? Collier?
JUSTINIANO
What sayst thou, boy?
BOY
‘Ware the pillory.
JUSTINIANO
Oh, boy, the pillory assure many a man that he is no cuckold, for how impossible were it a man should thrust his head through so small a loophole if his forehead were branch’d, boy?
BOY
Collier, how came the goose to be put upon you, ha?
JUSTINIANO
I’ll tell thee. The term lying at Winchester in Henry the Third’s days, and many French women coming out of the Isle of Wight thither — as it hath always been since — though the Isle of Wight could not of long time neither endure foxes nor lawyers, yet it could brook the more dreadful cockatrice. There were many punk in the town — as you know our term is their term — your farmers that would spend but three pence on his ordinary, would lavish half a crown on his lechery, and many men — calves as they were — would ride in a farmer’s foul boots before breakfast; the commonest sinner had more fluttering about her than a French punk hath when she come to a town of garrison, or to a university. Captains, scholars, servingmen, jurors, clerks, townsmen and the blackguard used all to one ordinary, and most of them were call’d to a pitiful reckoning, for before two returns of Michaelmas, surgeons were full of business, the cure of most secrecy grew as common as lice in Ireland., or as scabs in France. One of my tribe, a collier, carried in his cart forty maim’d soldiers to Salisbury, looking as pitifully as Dutchmen first made drunk, than carried to beheading. Everyone that met him cried, “Wear the goose-collar,” and from that day to this, there’s a record to be seen at Croydon how that pitiful waftage which indeed was virtue in the collier, that all that time would carry no coals, laid this imputation on all the posterity.
BOY
You are full of tricks collier.
JUSTINIANO
Boy, where dwells Master Wafer?
BOY
Why, here! What wouldst? I am one of his juveniles.
JUSTINIANO
Hath he not a child at nurse at More-clack?
BOY
Yes. Dost thou dwell there?
JUSTINIANO
That I do. The child is wonderous sick. I was will’d to acquaint thy master and mistress with it.
BOY
I’ll up and tell them presently. [Exit.
JUSTINIANO
So, if all should fail me, I could turn collier. Oh, the villainy of this age! How full of secrecy and silence — contrary to the opinion of the world — have I ever found most women. I have sat a whole afternoon many times by my wife, and look’d upon her eyes, and felt if her pulses have beat, when I have nam’d a suspected love, yet all this while have not drawn from her the least scruple of confession. I have lain awake a thousand nights, thinking she would have revealed somewhat in her dreams, and when she had begun to speak anything in her sleep, I have jogg’d her, and cried “Ay, sweetheart.” But when will your love come, or what did he say to thee over the stall? Or what did he do to thee in the garden-chamber? Or when will he send to thee any letters, or when wilt thou send to him any money? What an idle coxcomb jealousy will make a man!
Enter WAFER,MISTRESS WAFER, and Boy.
Well, this is my comfort that here comes a creature of the same head-piece.
MISTRESS WAFER
Oh, my sweet child! Where’s the collier?
JUSTINIANO
Here, forsooth.
MISTRESS WAFER
Run into Blackfriarsbury for two ounces of dragon water, some spermacæty and treacle. What is it sick of, collier? A burning fever?
JUSTINIANO
Faith, mistress, I do not know the infirmity of it. Will you buy any small coal, say you?
WAFER
Prithee, go in and empty them. Come, be not so impatient.
MISTRESS WAFER
Ay, ay, ay, if you had groadn’d for’t as I have done, you would have been more natural. Take my riding hat, and my kirtle there. I’ll away presently.
WAFER
You will not go tonight, I am sure.
MISTRESS WAFER
As I live, but I will.
WAFER
Faith, sweetheart, I have great business tonight. Stay till tomorrow and I’ll go with you.
MISTRESS WAFER
No, sir, I will not hinder your business. I see how little you respect the fruits of your own body. I shall find somebody to bear me company.
WAFER
Well, I will defer my business for once, and go with thee.
MISTRESS WAFER
By this light, but you shall not! You shall not hit me i’th’teeth that I was your hindrance. Will you to Bucklersbury, sir? [Exit Boy.
WAFER
Come, you are a fool. Leave your weeping.
MI
STRESS WAFER
You shall not go with me, as I live. [Exit WAFER.
JUSTINIANO
Pupil.
MISTRESS WAFER
Excellent master!
JUSTINIANO
Admirable mistress, how happy be our Englishwomen that are not troubled with jealous husbands. Why, your Italians in general are so sunburnt with these dog days that your great lady there thinks her husband love her not if he be not jealous. What confirms the liberty of our women more in England than the Italian proverb, which say if there were a bridge over the narrow seas, all the women in Italy would show their husbands a million of light pair of heels, and fly over into England.
MISTRESS WAFER
The time of our meeting. Come?
JUSTINIANO
Seven.
MISTRESS WAFER
The place?
JUSTINIANO
In Blackfriars; there take water, keep aloof from the shore, on with your masks, up with your sails, and Westward Ho!
MISTRESS WAFER
So. [Exit.
JUSTINIANO
Oh, the quick apprehension of women! They’ll grope out a man’s meaning presently. Well, it rests now that I discover myself in my true shape to these gentlewomen’s husbands; for though I have play’d the fool a little to beguile the memory of mine own misfortune, I would not play the knave, though I be taken for a banquerout; but indeed as in other things, so in that, the world is much deceived in me, for I have yet three thousand pounds in the hands of a sufficient friend, and all my debts discharg’d. I have received here a letter from my wife, directed to Stode, wherein she more repentantly entreateth my return, with protestation to give me assured trial of her honesty. I cannot tell what to think of it, but I will put it to the test. There is a great strife between beauty and chastity, and that which pleaseth many is never free from temptation. As for jealousy, it makes many cuckolds, many fools, and many banquerouts. It may have abused me and not my wife’s honesty. I’ll try it. But first to my secure and doting companions. [Exit.
Act Three, Scene Four
ENTER MONOPOLY AND MISTRESS TENTERHOOK.
MONOPOLY
I beseech you, Mistress Tenterhook.
Before God, I’ll be sick if you will not be merry.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
You are a sweet beagle.
MONOPOLY
Come, because I have help from town a little, let me not live if I did not hear the sickness was in town very hot. In troth, thy hair is of an excellent colour since I saw it. Oh, those bright tresses like to threads of gold.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Lie and ashes suffer much in the city for that comparison.
MONOPOLY
Here’s an honest gentleman will be here by and by, was born at Foolham. His name is Goslin Glowworm.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
I know him. What is he?
MONOPOLY
He is a knight. What ail’d your husband to be so hasty to arrest me?
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Shall I speak truly? Shall I speak not like a woman?
MONOPOLY
Why not like a woman?
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Because women’s tongues are like to clocks; if they go too fast they never go true. ’Twas I that got my husband to arrest thee, I have.
MONOPOLY
I am beholding to you.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Forsooth, I could not come to the speech of you. I think you may be spoken with all now.
MONOPOLY
I thank you. I hope you’ll bail me, cousin?
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
And yet why should I speak with you? I protest I love my husband.
MONOPOLY
Tush! Let not any young woman love a man in years too well.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Why?
MONOPOLY
Because he’ll die before he can requite it.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
I have acquainted Wafer and Honeysuckle with it, and they allow my wit for’t extremely. Oh, honest sergeant!
Enter AMBUSH.
AMBUSH
Welcome, good Mistress Tenterhook.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Sergeant, I must needs have my cousin go a little way out of town with me, and to secrue thee, here are two diamonds. They are worth two hundred pound. Keep them till I return him.
AMBUSH
Well, ’tis good security.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Do not come in my husband’s sight in the meantime.
Enter WHIRLPOOL, SIR GOSLIN, LINSTOCK, MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE, and MISTRESS WAFER.
AMBUSH
Welcome, gallants!
WHIRLPOOL
How now? Monopoly arrested?
MONOPOLY
Oh, my little Honeysuckle, art come to visit a prisoner?
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Yes, faith, as gentlemen visit merchants, to farewell; or as poets young quiant revellers, to laugh at them. [To MISTRESS TENTERHOOK.] Sirrah, if I were some foolish justice, if I would not beg thy with never grust me.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Why, I pray you?
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Because it hath been conceal’d all this while. But come, shall we to boat? We are furnish’d for attendants as ladies are; we have our fools and our ushers.
SIR GOSLIN
I thank you, madam. I shall meet your wit in the close, one day.
MISTRESS WAFER
Sirrah, thou knowest my husband keeps a kennel of hounds?
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Yes?
WHIRLPOOL
Doth thy husband love venery?
MISTRESS WAFER
Venery?
WHIRLPOOL
Ay, hunting and venery are words of one signification.
MISTRESS WAFER
Your two husbands and he have made a match to go find a hare about Bushy Causy.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
They’ll keep an excellent house till we come home gain.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Oh, excellent! A Spanish dinner, a pilcher, and a Dutch supper, butter, and onions.
LINSTOCK
Oh, thou art a mad wench.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Sergeant, carry this ell of cambric to Mistress Birdlime; tell her but that it is a rough tide, and that she fears the water, she should have gone with us.
SIR GOSLIN
Oh, thou hast an excellent wit.
WHIRLPOOL
To boat, hay?
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Sir Goslin, I do take it your legs are married?
SIR GOSLIN
Why, mistress?
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
They look so thin upon it.
SIR GOSLIN
Ever since I measur’d with your husband, I have shrunk in the calf.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
And yet you have a sweet tooth in your head.
SIR GOSLIN
Oh, well, dealt for the calf’s head; you may talk what you will of legs, and rising in the small, and swelling beneath the garter. But ’tis certain when lank thighs brought long stockings out of fashion, the courtier’s leg and his slender tilting staff grew both of a bigness. Come, for Brainford! [Exit.
Act Four, Scene One
ENTER MISTRESS BIRDLIME and LUCE.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Good morrow, Mistress Luce. How did you take your rest to night? How doth your good worship like your lodging? What will you have to breakfast?
LUCE
A pox of the knight that was here last night! He promis’d to have sent me some wild fowl. He was drunk, I’ll be stewed else.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Why do not you think he will send them?
LUCE
Hang them! ’Tis no more in fashion for them to keep their promises then ’tis for men to pay their debts. He will lie faster than a dog
trots. What a filthy knocking was at door last night; some puny Inn-a-court-men, I’ll hold my contribution.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Yes, in troth, were they, civil gentlemen without beards, but to say the truth, I did take exceptions at their knocking; took them aside and said to them, “Gentlemen, this is not well that you should come in this habit, cloaks and rapiers, boots and spurs. I protest to you, those that be your ancients in the house would have come to my house in their caps and gowns, civilly and modestly.” I promise you they might have been taken for citizen, but that they talk more like fools. Who knocks there? Up into your chamber. [Exit LUCE.
Enter MASTER HONEYSUCKLE.
Who are you? Some man of credit that you come in muffled thus?
HONEYSUCKLE
Who’s above?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Let me see your face first. Oh, Master Honeysuckle! Why, the old party, the old party.
HONEYSUCKLE
Phew! I will not go up to her. Nobody else?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
As I live, will you give me some sack? Where’s Opportunity?
Enter CHRISTIAN.
HONEYSUCKLE
What dost call her?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Her name is Christian, but Mistress Luce cannot abide that name, and so she calls her Opportunity.
HONEYSUCKLE
Very good, good.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Is’t a shilling? Bring the rest in aqua vitæ.[Exit CHRISTIAN.
Come, shall’s go to noddy?
HONEYSUCKLE
Ay, and thou wilt for half an hour.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Here are the cards. Deal. God send me deuces and aces with a court card, and I shall get by it.
HONEYSUCKLE
That can make thee nothing.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Yes, if I have a coat card turn up.
HONEYSUCKLE
I show four games.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
By my troth, I must show all and little enough too, six games. Play your single game; I shall double with you anon. Pray you, lend me some silver to count my games.
Enter CHRISTIAN.
How now, is it good sack?
CHRISTIAN
There’s a gentleman at door would speak with you.
HONEYSUCKLE
God’s so! I will not be seen by any means.
Enter TENTERHOOK.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Into that closet then? What, another muffler?
TENTERHOOK
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 152