MISTRESS WAFER
We’ll eat and drink with ’em.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE & MISTRESS WAFER
Oh, ‘twill be excellent!
MISTRESS WAFER
But how shall we shift ’em off?
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Not as ill-debtors do their creditors, with good words, but as lawyers do their clients wit they’re overthrown by some new knavish trick, and thus is shall be: One of us must dissemble to be suddenly very sick.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
I’ll be she.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Nay, though we can all dissemble well, yet I’ll be she; for men are so jealous, or rather envious of one another’s happiness — especially in this out of town gossiping — that he who shall miss his hen, if he be a right cock indeed, will watch the other from treading.
MISTRESS WAFER
That’s certain. I know that by myself.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
And like Æsop’s dog, unless himself might eat hay, will lie in the manger and starve; but he’ll hinder the horse from eating any. Besides, it will be as good as a Welch hook for you to keep out the other at the stave’s end, for you may boldly stand upon this point, that unless every man’s heels may be tripp’d up, ou scorn to play at football.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
That’s certain. Peace, I hear them spitting after their tobacco.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
A chair, a chair. One of you keep as great a coil and calling, as as if you ran for a midwife; th’other hold my head whilst I cut my lace.
MISTRESS WAFER
Passion of me! Master Monopoly, Master Linstock, and you be men, help to draw Mistress Tenterhook! Oh, quickly, quickly, she’s sick, and taken with an agony.
Enter as she cries MONOPOLY, LINSTOCK, and WHIRLPOOL.
OMNES
Sick? How? How now? What’s the matter?
MONOPOLY
Sweet Clare, call up thy spirits.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Oh, Master Monopoly, my spirits will not come at my calling. I am terrible and ill. Sure, sure, I’m struck with some wicked planet, or it hit my very heart. Oh, I feel myself worse and worse.
MONOPOLY
Some burnt sack for her, good wenches, or posset drink. Pox a’ this rogue chamberlain! One of you call him. How her pulses beat! A draught of cinnamon water now for her were better than two tankards out of the Thames. How now? Ha?
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Ill, ill, ill, ill, ill.
MONOPOLY
I’m accurst to spend money in this town of iniquity. There’s no good think ever comes out of it, and it stands upon such musty ground, by reason of the river, that I cannot see how a tender woman can to well in’t. ‘Sfoot! Sick now! Cast down now ’tis come to the push.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
My mind misgives me that all’s not sound in London.
WHIRLPOOL
Pox on ’em that be not sound. What need that touch you?
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
I fear you’ll never carry me thither.
OMNES
Puh, puh, say not so.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Pray, let my clothes be utterly undone, and then lay me in my bed.
LINSTOCK
Walk up and down a little.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Oh, Master Linstock, ’tis no walking will serve my turn. Have me to bed, good sweet Mistress Honeysuckle. I doubt that old hag Gillian of Brainford has bewitch’d me.
MONOPOLY
Look to her, good wenches.
MISTRESS WAFER
[Aside.] Ay, so we will, and to you too. This was excellent!
[Exeunt MISTRESS TENTERHOOK, MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE, and MISTRESS WAFER.
WHIRLPOOL
This is strange.
LINSTOCK
Villainous spiteful luck! No matter. T’other two hold bias.
WHIRLPOOL
Peace, mark how he’s nipp’d. Nothing grieves me so much as that poor Pyramis here must have a wall this night between him and his Thisbe.
MONOPOLY
No remedy, trust Troilus; and it grieves me as much, that you’ll want your false Cressid tonight, for here’s no Sir Pandarus to usher you into your chamber.
LINSTOCK
I’ll summon a parley to one of the wenches and see how all goes.
MONOPOLY
No whispering with the common enemy, by this iron. He sees the devil that sees how all goes amongst the women tonight. Nay, s’foot? If I stand piping till you dance, damn me.
LINSTOCK
Why, you’ll let me call to ’em but at the keyhole.
MONOPOLY
Puh, good Master Linstock, I’ll not stand by whilst you give fire at your keyholes. I’ll hold no trencher till another feeds; no stirrup till another gets up; be no doorkeeper. I ha’ not been so often at court, but I know what the backside of the hangings are made of. I’ll trust none under a piece of tapestry, viz. a coverlet.
WHIRLPOOL
What will you say if the wenches do this to gull us?
MONOPOLY
No matter. I’ll not be double gull’d, by them and by you. Go, will you take the lease of the next chamber and do as I do?
BOTH
And what’s that?
MONOPOLY
Any villainy in your company, but nothing out on’t. Will you sit up, or lie by’t?
WHIRLPOOL
Nay, lie sure, for lying is most in fashion.
MONOPOLY
Troth then, I’ll have you before me.
BOTH
It shall be yours.
MONOPOLY
Yours, i’faith. I’ll play Janus with two faces and look asquint both ways for one night.
LINSTOCK
Well, sir, you shall be our doorkeeper.
MONOPOLY
Since we must swim, let’s leap into one flood.
We’ll either by all naught, or else all good. [Exeunt.
Act Five, Scene Two
ENTER A NOISE of Fiddlers, following the Chamberlain.
CHAMBERLAIN
Come, come, come, follow me, follow me. I warrant you ha’ lost more by not falling into a sound last night, than ever you got at one job since it pleas’d to make you a noise. I can tell you, gold is n money with ‘hem. Follow me and fum, as you go. You shall put something into their ears, whilst I provide to put something into their bellies. Follow close and fum. [Exeunt.
Act Five, Scene Three
ENTER SIR GOSLIN and MISTRESS BIRDLIME pull’d along by him.
SIR GOSLIN
What kin art thou to Long Meg of Westminster? Th’art like her.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Somewhat alike, sir, at a blush. Nothing akin, sir, saving in height of mind, and that she was a goodly woman.
SIR GOSLIN
Mary Ambree, do not you know me? Had not I a sight of this sweet phisnomy at Rhenish wine-house, ha? Last day i’th’Stillyard, ha! Whither art bound, galleyfoist? Whither art bound? Whence com’st thou female yeoman a’the guard?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
From London, sir.
SIR GOSLIN
Dost come to keep the door, Ascapart?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
My reparations hither is to speak with the gentlewoman here that drunk with your worship at the Dutch-house of meeting.
SIR GOSLIN
Drunk with me? You lie. Not drunk with me, but, faith, what wouldst with the women? There are abed. Art not a midwife? One of ‘hem told me thou wert a night woman. [Music within; the fiddlers.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
I ha’ brought some women abed in my time, sir.
SIR GOSLIN
Ay, and some young men too, hast not, Pandora? How now? Where’s this noise?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
I’ll commit your worship.
SIR GOSLIN
To the stocks? Art a justice Shalt not commit me.
Dance first, i’faith. Why, scrapers, appear under the wench’s comical window, by th’lord! Ud’s daggers! Cannot sin be set ashore once in a reign upon your country quarters, but it must have fiddling? What set of villains are you, you perpetual ragamuffins?
Enter the Fiddlers.
FIDDLERS
The town consort, sir.
SIR GOSLIN
Consort with a pox! Cannot the shaking of the sheets be danc’d without your town piping? Nay, then let all hell roar! [Draws sword.
FIDDLERS
I beseech you, sir, put up yours and we’ll put up ours.
SIR GOSLIN
Play, you lousy Hungarians! See, look, the maypole is set up. We’ll dance about it. Keep this circle, Maquerelle.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
I am no mackerel, and I’ll keep no circles.
SIR GOSLIN
Play, life of Pharao, play. The bawd shall teach me a Scotch jig.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Bawd! I defy thee and they jigs whatsoever thou art. Were I in place where I’d make thee prove thy words!
SIR GOSLIN
I would prove ‘hem, mother, best be trust. Why do not I know you, granam? And that sugarloaf? Ha! Do I not, Magæra?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
I am none of you Megs; do not nickname me so. I will not be nick’d.
SIR GOSLIN
You will not, you will not. How many of my name — of the Glowworms — have paid for your furr’d gloves, thou woman’s broker?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
No, sir, I scorn to be beholding to any Glowworm that lives upon Earth for my future. I can keep myself warm without Glowworms.
SIR GOSLIN
Canst sing, woodpecker? Come, sing and wake ’em.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Would you should well know it. I am no singing woman!
SIR GOSLIN
Howl then! S’foot, sing or howl, or I’ll break your estridge eggshell there.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
My egg hurts not you. What do you mean to flourish so?
SIR GOSLIN
Sing, Madge, Madge, sing, owlet.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
How can I sing with such a sour face? I am haunted with a cough and cannot sing.
SIR GOSLIN
One of your instruments, mountebanks. Come, here clutch, clutch.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Alas, sir, I’m an old woman and know not how to clutch an instrument.
SIR GOSLIN
Look, mark to and fro as I rub it. Make a noise. It’s no matter. Any hunts up to waken vice.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
I shall never rub it in tune.
SIR GOSLIN
Will you scrape?
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
So you will let me go into the parties, I will saw and make a noise.
SIR GOSLIN
Do then. Shat into the parties, and part ‘hem. Shat my lean, Læna.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
If I must needs play the fool in my old days, let me have the biggest instrument, because I can hold that best. I shall cough like a broken winded horse if I gape once to sing once.
SIR GOSLIN
No matter. Cough out thy lungs.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
No, sir, though I’m old and worm-eaten, I’m not so rotten.[Coughs.
A Song
Will your worship be rid of me now?
SIR GOSLIN
Fain, as rich men’s heirs would be of their gouty dads; that’s the hothouse where your parties are sweating. Amble. Go, tell the he parties I have sent ‘hem a mast to their ship.
MISTRESS BIRDLIME
Yes, forsooth, I’ll do your errand. [Exit.
SIR GOSLIN
Half must still, by thundering Jove! With what wedge of villainy might I cleave out an hour or two? Fiddlers, come; strike up, march before me. The chamberlain shall put a crown you into his bill of items. You shall sing bawdy songs under every window i’th’town. Up will the clowns start, down come the wenches. We’ll se the men a-fighting, the women a-scolding, the dogs a-barking, you shall go on fiddling, and I follow dancing Lantæra. Curry your instruments. Play and away! [Exeunt.
Act Five, Scene Four
ENTER TENTERHOOK, HONEYSUCKLE, WAFER, JUSTINIANO, and his Wife, with AMBUSH and Chamberlain.
HONEYSUCKLE
Sergeant Ambush, as th’art an honest fellow, scout in some back room, till the watchword be given for sallying forth.
AMBUSH
Dun’s the mouse.
TENTERHOOK
A little low woman, sayest thou, in a velvel cap, and one of ‘hem in a beaver? Brother Honeysuckle, and Brother Wafer, hark, they are they.
WAFER
But art sure their husbands are abed with ’em?
CHAMBERLAIN
I think so, sir. I know not. I left ’em together in one room, and was division fell amongst ‘tm, the fates can discover, not I.
TENTERHOOK
Leave us, good chamberlain. We are some of their friends. Leave us, good chamberlain. Be merry a little. Leave us, honest chamberlain. [Exit Chamberlain.
We are abus’d. We are bought and sold in Brainford Market. Never did the sickness of one belayed nurse-child suck so cold to the hearts of three fathers. Never were three innocent citizens so horribly, so abominably wrung under the withers.
HONEYSUCKLE & WAFER
What shall we do? How shall we help ourselves?
HONEYSUCKLE
How shall we pull this thorn out of our foot before it rankle?
TENTERHOOK
Yes, yes, yes, well enough. One of us stay here to watch, do you see? To watch. Have and eye, have an ear. I and my brother Wafer and Master Justiniano will set the town in an insurrection, bring hither the constable and his bill-men, break open up ’em, take ’em in their wickedness, and put ’em to their purgation.
HONEYSUCKLE & WAFER
Agreed
JUSTINIANO
Ha, ha, purgation!
TENTERHOOK
We’ll have ’em before some country justice of coram — for we scorn to be bound to the peace — and this justice shall draw his sword in our defence. If we find ’em to be malefactors, we’ll ticklem ’em.
HONEYSUCKLE
Agreed. Do not stay, but do’t. Come.
JUSTINIANO
Are you mad? Do you know what you do? Whither will you run?
ALL THREE
To set the town in an uproar.
JUSTINIANO
An uproar! Will you make the townsmen think that Londoners nver come hither but upon Stain Thomas’s night? Say you should rattle up the constable, thrash all the counry toether, hedge in the house with flails, pike-staves, and pitchforks, take your wives napping, these western smelts nibbling, and that like to many Vulcans, every smith should discover his Venus dancing with Mars in a net? Would this plaster cure the headache?
TENTERHOOK
Ay, it would.
HONEYSUCKLE & WAFER
Nay, it should.
JUSTINIANO
Nego, nego, no, no. It shall be prov’d unto you, your heads would ache worse; when women are proclaimed to be light, they strive to be more light, for who dares disprove a proclamation?
TENTERHOOK
Ay, but when light wives make heavy husbands, let these husbands play mad Hamlet and cry revenge. Come, and we’ll do so.
MISTRESS JUSTINIANO
Pray, stay, be not so heady at my entreaty.
JUSTINIANO
My wife entreats you, and I entreat you to have mercy on yourselves, though you have none over the women. I’ll tell you a tale. This last Christmas, a citizen and his wife — as it might be one of you — were invited to the revels one night at one of the inns a’ court. The husband, having business, trusts his wife thither to take up a room for him before. She did so. But before she went, doubts a rising, what blocks her husband would stumble at, to hinder his entrance. It was consulted upon, by what token, b
y what trick, by what banner or brooch he should be known to be he when he rapp’d at the gate.
ALL THREE
Very good.
JUSTINIANO
The crowd, he was told, would be great; their clamours greater, and able to drown the throats of a shoal of fishwives. He himself therefore devises an excellent watchword, and the sign at which he woud hang out himself, should be a horn. He would wind his horn, and that should give ’em warning that he was come.
ALL THREE
So.
JUSTINIANO
The torchman and whifflers had an item to receive him. He comes, rings out his horn with an alarum, enters with shout, all the house rises — thinking some sowgelder pressed in — his wife blushed, the company jested, the simple man like a beggar going to the stocks laugh’d, as not being sensible of his own disgrace, and hereupon the punies set down this decree that no man shall hereafter come to laugh at their revels — if his wife be entered before him — unless he carry his horn about him.
WAFER
I’ll not trouble them.
JUSTINIANO
So if you trumpet abroad and preach at the market cross your wives’ shame, ’tis your own shame.
ALL THREE
What shall we do, then?
JUSTINIANO
Take my counsel. I’ll ask no fee for’t. Bar our host, banish mine hostess, beat away the chamberlain, let the ostlers walk, enter you the chambers peaceably, lock the doors gingerly, look upon your wives woefully, but upon the evildoers, most wickedly.
TENTERHOOK
What shall we reap by this?
JUSTINIANO
An excellent harvest, this. You shall hear the poor mousetrapp’d guilty gentlemen call for mercy; your wives you shall see kneeling at your feet and weeping, and wringing, and blushing, and cursing Brainford, and crying “pardona moy, pardona moy, pardona moy,” whilst you have the choice to stand either at judges to condemn ’em, beadles to torment ’em, or confessors to absolve ’em. And what a glory will it be for you three to kiss your wives like forgetful husbands, to exhort and forgive the young men like pitiful fathers, then to call for oars, then to cry “Hay for London!” then to make a supper, then to drown all in sack and sugar, then to go to bed, and then to rise and open shop, where you may ask any man what he lacks with your cap off, and none shall perceive whether the brims wring you.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 155