EARL
Thee?
JUSTINIANO
Do I look ugly that you put thee upon me? Did I give you my hand to horn my head — that’s to say, my husband — and is it come to thee? Is my face a filthier face, now it is yours, than when it was his? Nor have I two faces under one hood. I confess I have laid mine eyes in brine, and that may change the copy. But, my lord, I know what I am.
EARL
A sorceress. Thou shalt witch mine ears no more.
If thou canst pray, do’t quickly, for thou diest.
JUSTINIANO
I can pray, but I will not die, thou liest.
My lord, there drops your lady, and now know
Thou unseasonable lecher, I am her husband,
Whom thou wouldst make whore. Read, she speaks there thus, [Shows letter.
Unless I came to her, her hand should free
Her chastity from blemish. Proud I was
Of her brave mind. I came, and seeing what slavery,
Poverty, and the frailty of her sex
Had, and was like to make her subject too,
I beg’d that she would die, My suit was granted,
I poison’d her, thy lust there strikes her dead,
Horns fear’d, plague worse than sticking on the head.
[Draws a curtain and discovers MISTRESS JUSTINIANO as though dead.
EARL
Oh God, thou hast undone thyself and me.
None live to match this piece; thou art too bloody.
Yet for her sake, whom I’ll embalm with tears,
This act with her I bury, and to quit
Thy loss of such a jewel, thou shalt share
My living with me. Come, embrace.
JUSTINIANO
My lord.
EARL
Villain, damn’d merciless slave, I’ll torture the
To every inch of flesh. Who ho! Help! Who’s there?
Come hither. Here’s a murderer; bind him. How now!
What noise is this?
Enter Servingmen.
FIRST SERVINGMAN
My lord, there are three citizens face me down that hears one Master Parenthesis, a schoolmaster with your lordship and desire he may be forthcoming to ’em.
JUSTINIANO
That borrowed name is mine. Shift for yourselves.
Away, shift for yourselves. Fly! I am taken.
EARL
Why should they fly, thou screech owl?
JUSTINIANO
I will tell thee,
Those three are partners with me in the murder.
We four commixt the poison. Shift for yourselves.
EARL
Stop’s mouth and drag him back. Entreat ’em enter.
Enter TENTERHOOK, HONEYSUCKLE, and WAFER.
Oh, what a conflict feel I in my blood.
I would I were less great to be more good.
Y’are welcome. Wherefore came you? Guard the doors.
When I behold that object, all my senses
Revolt from reason. He that offers flight,
Drops down a corse.
ALL THREE
A corse?
FIRST SERVINGMAN
Ay, a corse. Do you scorn to be worms’ meat more than she?
JUSTINIANO
See, gentlemen, the Italian that does scorn
Beneath the moon, no baseness like the horn
Has pour’d through all the veins of yon chaste bosom
Strong poison to preserve it from that plague,
This fleshly lord. He doted on my wife,
He would have wrought on her and play’d on me.
But to pare off these brims, I cut off her
And gull’d him with this lie, that you had hands
Dipp’d in her blood with mine, but this I did,
That his stain’d age and name might not be hid.
My act, though vild, the world shall crown as just.
I shall die clear, when he lives soil’d with lust.
But come, rise, Moll. Awake, sweet Moll. Th’ast played
The woman rarely, counterfeited well.
FIRST SERVINGMAN
Sure, sh’as nine lives.
JUSTINIANO
See, Lucrece is not slain.
Her eyes, which lust call’d suns, have their first beams,
And all these frightments are but idle dreams.
Yet, afore Jove, she had her knife prepar’d
To let her blood forth ere it should run black,
Do not these open cuts now cool your back?
Methinks they should; when vice sees with broad eyes
Her ugly form, she does herself despise.
EARL
Mirror of dames, I look upon thee now
As men long blind, having recovered sight,
Amaz’d; scarce able are to endure the light.
Mine own shame strikes me dumb. Henceforth the book
I’ll read shall by thy mind, and not thy look.
HONEYSUCKLE
I would either we were at Brainford to see our wives, or our wives here to see this pageant.
TENTERHOOK
So would I. I stand upon thorns.
EARL
The jewels which I gave you, wear; your fortunes
I’ll raise on golden pillars. Fare you well.
Lust in old age like burnt straw, does even choke
The kindlers and consumes in sticking smoke. [Exit.
JUSTINIANO
You may follow your lord by the smoke, badgers.
FIRST SERVINGMAN
If fortune had favor’d him, we might have followed you by the horns.
JUSTINIANO
Fortune favours fools. Your lord’s a wise lord.[Exeunt Servingmen.
So how now? Ha? This that makes me fat now, is’t not ratsbane to you gentlemen, as pap was to nestor? But I know the invisible sins of your wives hang at your eye-lids, and that makes you so heavy-headed.
TENTERHOOK
If I do take ’em napping, I know what I’ll do.
HONEYSUCKLE
I’ll nap some of them.
TENTERHOOK
That villain Monopoly and that Sir Goslin treads ’em all.
WAFER
Would I might come to that treading.
JUSTINIANO
Ha, ha! So would I. Come, Moll. The book of the siege of Ostend, writ by one that dropp’d in the action, will never sell so well, as a report of the siege between this grave, this wicked elder and thyself, an impression of you two, would away in a May-morning. Was it ever heard that such tirings, were brought away from a lord by any wench but thee, Moll, without paying, unless the wench conycatch’d him? Go thy ways. If all the great Turks’ concubines were but like thee, the ten-penny-infidel should never need keep so many geldings to neigh over ’em. Come, shall this western voyage hold, my hearts?
ALL THREE
Yes, yes!
JUSTINIANO
Yes, yes! S’foot, you speak as if you had no hearts, and look as if you were going westward indeed, to see how plain dealing women can pull down men. Moll, you’ll help us to catch smelts too?
MISTRESS JUSTINIANO
If you be pleas’d.
JUSTINIANO
Never better, since I wore a smock.
HONEYSUCKLE
I fear our oars have given us the bag.
WAFER
Good. I’ll laugh at that.
JUSTINIANO
If they have, would whores might give them the bottle. Come, march whilst the women double their files. Married men, see, there’s comfort. The moon’s up. ‘Fore Don Phbus, I doubt we shall have a frost this night; her horns are so sharp. Do you not feel it bite?
TENTERHOOK
I do, I’m sure.
JUSTINIANO
But we’ll sit upon one another’s skirts i’th’boat, and lie close in straw, like the hoary courtier. Set on!
To Brainford now, where if you meet frail wives,
Ne’er swear ‘gainst
horns, in vain Dame Nature strives.[Exeunt.
Act Five, Scene One
ENTER MONOPOLY, WHIRLPOOL, LINSTOCK, MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE, MISTRESS WAFER, and MISTRESS WAFER, their hats off.
MONOPOLY
Why, chamberlain? Will not these fiddlers be drawn forth? Are they not in tune yet? Or are the rogues afraid a’th’statute, and dare not travel so far without a passport?
WHIRLPOOL
What chamberlain!
LINSTOCK
Where’s mine host? What, chamberlain!
Enter Chamberlain.
CHAMBERLAIN
Anon, sir, here, sir, at hand, sir.
MONOPOLY
Where’s this noise? What a lousy town’s this? Has Brainford no music in’t?
CHAMBERLAIN
They are but rosining, sir, and they’ll scrape themselves into your company presently.
MONOPOLY
Plague a’ their cat’s-guts, and their scraping! Dost not see women here, and can we thinkst thou be without a noise then?
CHAMBERLAIN
The troth is, sir, one of the poor instruments caught a sore mischance last night: his most base bridge fell down, and belike they are making a gathering for the reparations of that.
WHIRLPOOL
When they come, let’s ham ’em with a pox.
CHAMBERLAIN
Well, sir, you shall, sir.
MONOPOLY
Stay, chamberlain. Where’s our knight, Sir Goslin? Where’s Sir Goslin?
CHAMBERLAIN
Troth, sir, my master, and Sir Goslin are guzzling; they are dabbling together fathom deep. The knight hath drunk so much health to the gentleman yonder, on his knees, that he has almost lost the use of his legs.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Oh, for love, let none of ’em enter our room. Fie!
MISTRESS WAFER
I would not have ’em cast up their accounts here, for more than they mean to be drunk this twelvemonth.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Good Chamberlain, keep them and their healths out of our company.
CHAMBERLAIN
I warrant you, their healths shall not hurt you. [Exit.
MONOPOLY
Ay, well said. They’re none of our giving. Let ’em keep their own quarter. Nay, I told you the man would soak him if he were ten knights. If he were a knight of gold they’d fetch him over.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Out upon him!
WHIRLPOOL
There’s a lieutenant and a captain amongst ’em too.
MONOPOLY
Nay, then look to have somebody lie on the earth for’t. It’s ordinary for your lieutenant to be drunk with your captain and your captain to cast with your knight.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Did you never hear how Sir Fabian Scarecrow — even such another — took me up one night before my husband being in wine?
MISTRESS WAFER
No indeed. How was it?
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
But I think I took him down with a witness.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
How? Good Tenterhook.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Nay, I’ll have all your ears take part of it.
OMNES
Come on, then.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
He used to frequent me and my husband diverse times, and at last comes he out one morning to my husband, and says, “Master Tenterhook,” says he, “I must trouble you to lend me two hundred pound about a commodity which I am to deal in,” and what was that commodity but his knighthood?
OMNES
So.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
“Why, you shall, Master Scarecrow,” says my good man. So within a little while after, Master Fabian was created knight.
MONOPOLY
Created a knight! That’s no good heraldry. You must say dubb’d.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
And why not created, pray?
OMNES
Ay, well done. Put him down at’s own weapon?
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Not created! Why, all things have they being by creation.
LINSTOCK
Yes, by my faith, is’t.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
But to return to my tale.
WHIRLPOOL
Ay, marry; mark now.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
When he had climb’d up this costly ladder of preferment, he disburses the money back again very honourably; comes home, and was by my husband invited to supper; there supp’d with us besides, another gentleman incident to the court, one that had bespoke me of my husband to help me into the banqueting bouse and see the revelling; a young gentlewoman, and that wag, our schoolmaster, Master Parenthesis, for I remember he said grace, methings I see him yet, how he turn’d up the white a’th’eye when he came to the last gasp, and that he was almost past grace.
MISTRESS WAFER
Nay, he can do’t.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
All suppertime, my new-minted knight made wine the wagon to his meat, for it ran down his throat so fast that before my chambermaid had taken half up, he was not scarce able to stand.
MONOPOLY
A general fault at citizens’ tables.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
And I, thinking to play upon him, ask’d him, “Sir Fabian Scarecrow,” quoth I, “what pretty gentlewoman will you raise up not to stall her your lady?” But he, like a foul-mouthed man, swore, “Zounds, I’ll stall never a punk in England. A lady! There’s too many already.” “Oh, fie, Sir Fabian,” quoth I, “will you call her that shall be your wife such an odious name?” And then he sets out a throat and swore again, like a stinking breath’d knight, as he was, that women were like horses.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE & MISTRESS WAFER
Oh, filthy knave!
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
“They’d break over any hedge to change their pasture, though it were worse.” “Fie, man, fie,” says the gentlewoman.
MONOPOLY
Very good.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
And he, bristling up his beard to rail at her too, I cut him over the thumbs thus, “Why, Sir Fabian Scarecrow, did I incense my husband to lent you so much money upon your bare work, and do you backbite my friends and me to our faces? I thought you had had more perseverance. If you bore a knightly and a degenerous mind you would scorn it; you had wont t be more deformable amongst women. Fie, that you’ll be so humoursome! Here was nobody so egregious towards you, Sir Fabian!” And thus, in good sadness, I gave him the best words I could pick out to make him asham’d of his doings.
WHIRLPOOL
And how took he this correction?
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Very heavily, for he slept presently upon’t; and in the morning was the sorriest knight, and I warrant is so to this day that lives by bread in England.
MONOPOLY
To see what wine and women can do, the one makes a man not to have a word to throw at a dog, the other makes a man to eat his own words, though they were never so filthy.
WHIRLPOOL
I see these fiddlers cannot build up their bridge, that some music may come over us.
LINSTOCK
No, faith, they are drunk too. What shall’s do therefore?
MONOPOLY
Sit up at cards all night?
MISTRESS WAFER
That’s servingman’s fashion.
WHIRLPOOL
Drink burnt wine and eggs then?
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
That’s an excuse for your suburb wenches.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
No, no, let’s set upon our posset and so march to bed, for I begin to wax light with having my natural sleep pull’d out a’ mine eyes.
OMNES
Agreed. Be’t so. The sack posset and to bed.
MONOPOLY
What, chamberlain! I must take a pipe of tobacco.
THREE WOMEN
MISTRESS WAFER
I’ll rather love a man that takes a purse than him that takes tobacco.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
By my little finger, I’ll break all your pipes and burn the case, and the box too, and you draw out your stinking smoke afore me.
MONOPOLY
Prithee, good Mistress Tenterhook, I’ll ha’ done in a trice.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Do you long to have me swoon?
MONOPOLY
I’ll use but half a pipe, in troth.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Do you long to see me lie at your feet?
MONOPOLY
Smell to’t. ’Tis perfum’d.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Oh God, oh God, you anger me. You stir my blood. You move me. You make me spoil a good face with frowning at you. This was ever your fashion, so to smoke my husband when you come home, that I could not abide him in mine eye. He was a mote in it, methought, a month after. Pray, spawl in another room. Fie, fie, fie!
MONOPOLY
Well, well, come, we’ll for once feed her humour.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Get two rooms off at least, if you love us.
MISTRESS WAFER
Three, three, Master Linstock three.
LINSTOCK
‘Sfoot, we’ll dance to Norwich, and take it there, if you’ll stay till we return again. Here’s a stir, you’ll ill abide a fiery face that cannot endure a smoky nose.
MONOPOLY
Come, let’s satisfy our appetite.
WHIRLPOOL
And that will be hard for us, but we’ll do our best.
[Exeunt MONOPOLY, WHIRLPOOL, and LINSTOCK.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
So, are they departed? What string may we three think that these three gallants harp upon, by bringing to this sinful town of Brainford, ha?
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
I know what string they would harp upon, if they could put us into the right tune.
MISTRESS WAFER
I know what one of ’em buzz’d in mine ear, till like a thief in a candle he made mine ears burn, but I swore to say nothing.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
I know as verily they hope, and brag one to another, that this night they’ll row westward in our husbands whirries, as we hope to be row’d to London tomorrow morning in a pair of oars. But, wenches, let’s be wise and make rooks of them that I warrant are now setting pursenets to conycatch us.
MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE & MISTRESS WAFER
Content.
MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
They shall know that citizens’ wives have with enough to outstrip twenty such gulls; though we are merry, let’s not be mad. Be as wanton as new-married wives, as fantastic and light-headed to the eye as feather-makers, but as pure about the heart, as if we dwelt amongst ’em in Blackfriars.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 154